Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
A Fundamentalist Mormon with more than one wife
Joshua sat back and examined his life.
Four lovely brides and a dozen tykes
A garage full of cars and a yard filled with bikes.
All of the shopping at Sam's and Costco
Buying in bulk is the only way to go.
To keep up with the milk, he bought him a cow.
To keep up with bacon, he bought him a sow.
He didn't realize how happy he could be
Except for that special time of the month when it is PMS times three.
And somehow it doesn't seem right.
How can three women have a headache on the same night?
Michael and Writer Chick take on the topic of polygamy at BvB this week.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
I had never heard of this practice. What an awesome idea. I have never wanted a traditional service with people either mourning or trying to suppress the church giggles as they showed up to make sure that I was really dead and not just perpetrating a cruel hoax.
Instead of a minister hosting the event, a strip club DJ would officiate. Instead of some old woman singing some lame hymn, the entertainment would be dazzling with hot strippers. Instead of eulogies, their would be outrageous toasts as bikini clad shot girls dispensed kamakazis and tequila.
Oh what a great day as I receive one last lap dance before the final long dirt nap. Shave my balls with a rusty razor, if this isn't one of the most awe inspiring examples of just why I am a happy man in this sick and twisted world.
Click here for the Yahoo news story.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thanks Siren for allowing me to keep your great site going once more. If anyone has topic ideas or wishes to be a guest author, just post a comment either here or there, or shoot me an e-mail. Thanks to all in advance for your help and support.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Every day I add to the list of assholes and bitches that can Kiss My Ass. Here a couple of additions that make the list in the Food Service Industry.
Okay, I order my medium rare steak with all the fixin's, the waiter brings me a cold cerveza, and I happily saunter to the salad bar. What I see there makes me see fucking red; BIG LETTUCE!!! Oh you lazy ass cocksucking douchebag salad bar preparer! Would it be too fucking much to cut up the damned lettuce. It looks like you just grabbed the whole fucking head and shook the living piss out of the son of a bitch until it had shaken lettuce syndrome. Run the motherfucker through a fucking salad shooter, Amazing Moulee, or a damned food processor. For Christ's sake chop that shit up!!! Do you know how fucking stupid it looks to cut up a damned salad with a steak knife? You get all the rest of the shit precariously perched on the big fucking lettuce and go to cut the shit and a fucking cherry tomato rolls out of the damn salad plate and cruises down the fucking aisle spreading cheese and bacon bits in it's wake. So you think, I will just try to use my fork skills to pierce the big lettuce roll the bitch over and pierce it again till you have managed to get it into a serviceable size, you get the fucker two centimeters from your mouth and this rubberized piece of shit explodes and smears dressing all over your damned face. So for any motherfucker out there subjecting innocent patrons to this horror: Kiss My Ass!!! I hope you fucking choke on a big slimy brown chunk of rotten lettuce.
The other day Angry Joyce and I had the misfortune of going to a restaurant and drawing an extreme waiter. You know the type. The jerkwad that would be better off being a used car salesman. This cumbubble's service bordered on sexual harassment his nose was so far up my ass. Business was pretty light but damn don't these assholes have something better to do. I swear to God that by midway through our meal, this asshole had his hands laying on the table with his chin propped on them making idle chit chat. At least he was handy for drink refills. But still. Kiss My Ass and get a damned life. Your tip isn't going to increase by hovering. You are just pissing me the fuck off. I don't know what's worse a waiter that forgets your fucking alive or one of these douchebags.
If you want to join the ranters or just want to know where to find a few good ones, go here and check the blogroll.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Granny was feeling horny and hot.
But Pa, he was not.
Pa was feeling a little down and out
His mind was only on his gout.
Granny decided to try a trick or two
She crushed up a little blue pill and slipped it in his stew.
Pa slurped it down to the very lastest spoon.
Then Granny donned a wicked grin cause Pa would soon need poon.
As the pill coursed through him and the blood began to flow,
By the leer in his eye, Granny knew he was good to go.
Granny said to Pa, 'What cha thinkin', you old goat.'
Pa said back to Granny, ' I think I'll rock your boat.'
They soon retired to their orthopedic bed.
He knew that she still cared as she started giving head.
For she had left out her Poli-Grip
And a no denture adventure is one awesome trip.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I have oft heard the expression hornier than a two peckered billy goat but had never give thought to the truth of the sentiment. The current odd news story out of India gave me reason to re-examine this expression.
A businessman admitted himself to a hospital in New Delhi. He wishes to remove one of his penises. He was born with penile duplication, or diphallus. This occurs in one out of 5.5 million men. Most of the time one of the penises is not fully formed or functional but this guy has got the goods twice over.
I would imagine that there are a few people that are upset over him removing his extra appendage.
The Porn Industry - Here is an Ultimate Double Penetration Superstar.
Calvin Klein - This guy would make a ready made spokesmodel for a two-pack of briefs.
Conjoined Twin Sisters - They could share a husband but not have to share a sex organ.
For the Yahoo news story click here.
Friday, August 18, 2006
In a mind blowing research project, Italian researchers have discovered that kids watching tv suffered less pain from a hypodermic needle than those not watching the boob tube. Even more startling to these researchers was the fact that kids were more soothed by the idiot box than by their own mothers.
A doctor not affiliated with the study has surmised that it wasn't the tv, it was the distraction and would work just as well with a story from a story teller.
So as a public service I will hereby give you a little story to tell your young ones in order to alleviate their pain in the doctors office.
Billy Bob Buzzard
A Simple Tale From Fuzz
Once upon a time in the rolling plains of West Texas, there lived a friendly but not too bright buzzard that went by the name Billy Bob. Billy Bob Buzzard loved the hills and canyons of West Texas. Soaring proudly in the sky above the plains in search of roadkill, he wondered to himself if there was a way to stay here year round.
Being not so bright Billy Bob was confused about just why all his friends and family flew south to Mexico as soon as winter approached. Billy Bob went and talked to the oldest and wisest buzzard in all the plains. The old sage told him that in the winter the hot West Texas sun did not shine as brightly and this meant that there were no hot upward drafts that allowed them to effortlessly glide over the plains in search of fresh roadkill. Without these drafts known as thermals, the buzzards would starve so every year before winter the buzzards must fly to Mexico.
Billy Bob Buzzard now understood why he must fly south. But still he wished to stay. He came up with a plan. He must ask the creatures that did stay in West Texas through the winter, just how they managed to find food. With a smile on his beak and a song in his heart, he went along his merry way to find the answer.
First he talked to Buddy Bunny. Buddy told him that he scrambled among the dead grasses and searched for the meager morsals for enough food to survive. Billy Bob knew that this was not the answer for him. There was no safe way for him to scramble on the road in search of fresh road kill. Saddened he went to find another answer.
Next he went and talked to Rocky Rattlesnake. Rocky told him that he survived by going deep into the rocks and slept through the winter. This hibernation allowed him to survive. Billy Bob Buzzard knew that there was no way that he could sleep a whole winter. Billy Bob was an early riser as if he slept late he always pee'd the nest and this was not very good at all as he might freeze stuck to the nest. So once again Billy Bob went out to find another creature that could give him an answer to his problem.
Finally he went to Sammy Squirrel. Sammy told him that all spring, summer, and fall, he collected food and stored them high in the trees in little knotholes. Billy Bob was elated. This was something that he could do.
The next day Billy Bob started working on his plan. He rose early with the sun and sailed and soared over the plains of West Texas in search of fresh roadkill. He ate but little and would pick up the ran over critters and fly them to a little cave high upon a canyon. He did this all spring, summer, and fall.
When winter came, all the buzzards were ready to fly to Mexico but Billy Bob stayed in the West Texas home that he loved so well. All winter he snacked on the stash of goodies in his high canyon cave. But Billy Bob was not as happy as he thought he would be. He missed his friends and as he gnawed on a cold dead flattened lizard, he missed more than anything standing on the scorching road and sharing a fresh hot road kill with his buddies.
He decided that next year, he would fly away with his friends. As much as he loved West Texas. He loved his friends more. And that was a thing worth knowing.
Click here for the news story on Yahoo.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
This isn't a story of bad cops. This is a story of a government that is more concerned with political bullshit pandering than the safety and security of it's citizens. It is a story of how fucking stupid this country's border policy has become.
What did these two agents do? In case you haven't heard the story, it boils down to this. A scumbag drug smuggler with 800 pounds of pot in his van ran from the border patrol but couldn't outrun the Border Patrol. He then takes off running on foot, the smuggler then turns to Ramos and appears to the agent to be holding a gun. Ramos fires but does not stop the smuggler. In fact, he does not think that he is hit because he does not slow down. The bastard gets away into Mexico where the agents cannot pursue him.
After a few days had passed by, this douchebag drug smuggler's Mommy got in touch with another Border Patrol Agents mother-in-law and whined about her precious little baby being shot in the ass by the big bad Border Patrol. After the chickenshit reports it, the Department of Homeland Insecurity goes to Mexico, brings him back to America for the best of medical treatment, and offers him full immunity from prosecution in exchange for his testimony.
The depth of stupidity in this case boggles my mind. I would think that shooting a drug smuggler in the ass would be cause for a fucking medal. Instead the government pandering to the illegal alien question, sics prosecuters on them and browbeats a jury into convicting two men charged with the thankless and daunting task of protecting a border that is a leaking sieve. So what do you think will happen the next time this happens. My guess is these guys will look the other way, clock out, and collect a damned check. That's what they will do if they play it the smart way. But thankfully for us, I don't think that will happen. These men must have honor and a sense of duty because they damn sure aren't doing it for the money.
So fuck the fucktards at the Office of Homeland Insecurity and fuck all the asslicking chickenshits responsible for convicting these two brave agents.
Click here for the full story.
Click here for Friends of the Border Patrol
Click here for the online petition for a Presidential Pardon. I damn sure signed it.
I am too much of an anarchist for the FOADT linky thing. That and I am quitting it before I get kicked out of their little club. I have always enjoyed ranting and giving vent to everything from fuckwidgets in the news to assholes at drive-through fast food joints that are paid a commission to fuck a person out of napkins and condiments. I also like the idea of posting these rants weekly on Thursday's. I was perplexed on what to do until Angry Joyce reminded me of one of my favorite posts. So that is just what I will do. From now on every Thursday, I will share with everyone the additions to the list of assholes and bitches that can kiss my ass.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Starting next week, I will no longer post daily. Daily posting has it's upside and I may return to doing so on down the road but for now I will cut back to three posts weekly. I will post assorted topics on Sunday's, twisted poetry on Tuesday's, and my weekly rant on Thursday's. I will probably end up posting other days when something comes up that I really want to write about but for the most part I hope to keep to my schedule. Who knows, maybe my posts will even get better if I take more time with them rather than just trying to bang one out daily. But I wouldn't count on it. Basically if it doesn't come right off the top of my head then there is no telling what will pop out of my noggin when I am digging around in there.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
It's the Cathouse Blues for Big Ass Bob,
So much trouble for a simple knob job.
He saved up his nickels and he saved up his dimes
And went to a hooker to have a good time.
He took off his clothes and laid on the floor
My respect to the girl. Sometimes it's tough being a whore.
She moved his gut here and she moved his gut there
But to no avail she couldn't find his pecker anywhere.
But this gal was a pro, she knew just what to do
She sidled beside him and cooed in his ear, 'I have just the trick for you.'
She bent him over and spread his cheeks wide
And with a gloved hand she put two fingers inside.
Anal Masterbation might have been the only way
But the poor girl should have got hazard pay.
Big Ass Bob's burritoes for breakfast and Chili Dogs for lunch
Made for not quite smooth sailing if I have a hunch.
But After it was over and all said and done
He had to admit that it was a lot of fun.
As he limped out the door with a sheepish grin on a face filled with glee
He wondered if next time she could use fingers three.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Once again Siren has called upon me to play the Beast in an upcoming post at Beauty vs. The Beast. I have always enjoyed doing these guest posts. It's always nice to break out the beast in myself and be as politically incorrect is I want to be. As usual, I will most likely get spanked by the Beauty but, as you might guess, I kind of like that.
The subject this time around is 'What are the keys to a long lasting relationship.' As I have been married now for over a decade and most marraiges these days do not last half that long, I suppose I should know a thing or two about the subject. So head on over there and watch as Ranea spanks me. It should be a lot of fun. I know that I will enjoy it. And besides, every one likes to watch. Don't they?
In case it hasn't been posted yet. Here are my guest posts over there for those that haven't seen them or for those who wish to revisit my humiliating spankings.
Weirdgirl v Fuzz
Vic v Fuzz
Green Eyes v Fuzz
Siren v Fuzz
Saturday, August 12, 2006
They say that you haven't hit the bigtime until you have a hatepost written about you. Thanks bud. I appreciate you. First the google whack and now this and I thought that I would never hit the big time.
It's too bad that he said some nice things about me too. I am far to vain to curse someone who says nice things about me. Especially when they link both my sites. Glad that I can return the favor.
Friday, August 11, 2006
This phrase has always bothered me. People should really say what they mean and not just say you know what. I do not know what the show scared out of these people. There are so many things to scare out of a person. You can scare the piss out of someone, you can scare the shit out of someone, you can scare the bejesus out of someone, you can scare the hell out of someone, you can scare the stuffing out of someone, and you can even scare the living fuck out of someone.
I was so confused that I couldn't go on watching the show in order to find out. So if anyone actually watched the show and knows just what in the blue blazes got scared out of these yo-yo's please tell me. Enquiring minds want to know.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Yeh fuckin' right. The world is so full of dipshits and fuckwidgets that it is surprising that I can keep it down to three douchebags a week to rant about. So on with the asshats:
Recently my friend, Michael, from Smoke and Mirrors, was spammed by some douchebag. Michael had posted his utter disgust of rap music and this piss-complected cumbubble wrote a stupid ass post labeling him as a fucking racist because he happened to hate rap music. What a crock of shit!!! I hate fucking rap and I guarenfuckintee that I am no racist. What I am is pissed off that just because I happen to loathe listening to two bit thugs with four bit names spout out complete bullshit, this fuckwad would label me a racist. I don't give a flying fuck what race this crap comes from, It Sucks. The only people that irritate me worse than these asshole rappers is the dumbasses that drive by with their fucking thumpin' ass piece of shit cars with the fucktarded spinners. If I wanted to listen to that horseshit then I would turn the shit on my stereo. Shut that shit off right before you Fuck Off And Die. And no I am not going to link that chickenshit pigfucker. The dipshit has a readership of two and a half and they are probably related to the asshole.
What the flying fuck is up with disposable appliances. My parents had the same damn console TV, the whole time I was growing up. Now you buy a damned TV and if you get five years out of the son of a bitch then count yourself lucky. And fucking dvd players are built to implode almost instantaneously. The same holds true for refrigerators, freezers, and just about anything else with a fucking plug in. We import cheap ass shit from foreign countries because the corporations are to tight assed to pay decent fucking wages to build decent assed appliances. So to all you corporate chickenshit assholes that fill dumps with your worthless piece of shit appliances Fuck Off And Die.
A dear loyal friend and reader e-mailed me that it would be a good thing to hear my take on rude drivers this week as the amount of asshole drivers that she endures on her daily commute is really getting to her. Since rude and bad drivers are one of my biggest gripes in general, I am more than happy to oblige her request.
You no blinker using, red light running, can't pick a fucking lane, don't have a clue where the fuck you are going, speeding like hell or slower than frozen spunk, no merging, cutting me off, cell phone yaking, super-size fries eating, fuckbubbles. Kiss my fucking ass and get the fuck off the damn road!!!! Pay attention at the fucking red light, don't wait for someone to honk while you are talking on your cell and jazzin' your tiny fuck stick or punchin' your love button. While I am at it, how the flying fuck do you think that I can pull out of the damned parking spot that you are slobbering over if you don't back the fuck off my damned ass. Fuck Off And Die.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Yesterday I received an e-mail, that quite literally floored me. A kind gentleman directed me to this site. And told me that I was a googlewhack. As this site explains, a google whack occurs when a two word phrase is typed into a google search and only one result comes out. What great phrase would hit my site, hold onto your hats, flopless vagina.
Woo Hoo, I am the only place on the entire world wide web to go if you want to know about flopless vaginas. The search hit because of this post. This post was a word game that was introduced to my by Dear Jane. The rules of the game are simple. You must alter a word by changing, adding, or subtracting one letter and then define that new word. Thanks to Phred's new word of flopless dancer (even though in all actuality, he changed two letters to alter the word) and the various vagina phrases on the post, a googlewhack occurred.
It is nice that something good came out of this post. It was a lot of fun for the five or six people that read this blog at that time. I haven't thought about doing it in a while but I managed to think of another one.
- crapsule- When a capsule prematurely ruptures in your mouth and puts a nasty taste in your mouth.
Thanks Jim T. for alerting me to this great honor.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Screw the plates just give him a tray
Then Step aside and give him room
Body parts in the way spells their doom.
Big Ass Bob skips the salads and soups
And hits instead the heartier groups.
Kill another pig. He's hit the Pork Chops.
With one more steak, he just might pop.
But no, Big Ass Bob has stamina as well as speed.
A whole pan of meat loaf he gulps down with greed.
And then the dessert tray piled to the sky
With ice cream, cakes, candies, cookies, and pie.
When every morsel is gone from the place
Big Ass Bob leans back and belches into space.
The cooks are all weary and the owner is spent.
Down Big Ass Bobs gullet his profits have went.
Though the cooks be weary and tired
They may wish that they were fired.
For with a smile on his face and grease on his chins
Lunch may be over but soon dinner begins.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
I have come up with a solution that would combine a persons love of animals with the solution to their thinning hair. That solution is hatdog. Many dogs are both small enough to wear on a persons head and hairy enough to make a good hairpiece. Breeds such as Lhaso Apsos, Shih Tzus, Pekinese, Toy Poodles, and Scottish Terriers would make excellent hatdogs. Besides making attractive hairpieces there are many other excellent reasons to why a hatdog would make a great companion toupee/wig:
If you found yourself at a dinner party and the host served you a truly nasty appetizer, you would be able to divert the hosts attention and quickly feed the appetizer to the hat dog.
- Nothing would make a warmer head cover in the winter than a living warm blooded animal.
The hatdogs ability to lick it's own nuts would make it a snap for it to give a person's ears a good cleaning should the need arise.
The product even has a built in commercial jingle by rewording the theme song to the animated series CatDog.
Hatdog, Hatdog, go get yourself a little hatdog.
For the entire line-up of Nicktoon theme songs. Click here and cringe.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Today I had the honor and privilege of standing with the Patriot Guard. Big D and I traveled to Lubbock, TX in support of a cause that both of us care deeply about. I posted about this cause earlier in this post. I had explained then that there was no way that I could stand idly by and let these religious nutjobs demean a hero who had gave the ultimate sacrifice in defense of our country.
Big D and myself stood with the riders at the funeral home while others were at the church. There were about ten of the Westborough wackos at the church but left early and did not come to the funeral home. The memorial service is tomorrow and my step-daughter and me will be there to stand again. It has been said that you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything.
I was proud of the many people that drove by and honked, waved flags, or cheered encouragement and blessings. I am most proud of these riders. Many traveled long distances in a short time to devote their time and effort to the most important of causes; the sanctity and dignity of another human being.
As the patch on one riders vest proudly stated, ' A nation which forgets it's defenders will also be forgotten. '
Click here for the yahoo news story.
Click here for a video that shows just how crazy these Westborough wackos are.
Click here for the home site of the Patriot Guard.
For those West Texas Readers and Bloggers the Patriot Guard and supporters will meet at 9:00 a.m. at the Academy Parking Lot on 19th Street. Your support would be more than welcome.
I will be posting some pictures tomorrow when I get back at FuzzTexas. *** posted***
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I really had to think hard this week for a Fuck Off And Die post. Sure there are plenty of worthy entries, such as oil companies, electric companies, Hezbollah, and Mel Gibson. But really those are much too easy targets. But as I was thinking about it an insipid little ditty popped into my head and I had my topic.
I am one of those people that are blessed (or cursed) with being able to relate just about any spoken phrase with a song lyric. This makes it far too easy for the slightest ambiguous phrase to bring some truly hideous tune into my head where it stays for days or even weeks at a time. So here is a list of songs that are constantly a source of pain for me.
- ' I Would Walk 500 Miles' by The Proclaimers - Words cannot express how much I hate this piece of shit. And just when I thought that I could possibly erase this crap from my sub-conscious, Visa ups and uses it for a damned commercial. Thanks a lot assholes. You can both fuck off and die.
- ' That Thing You Do' - If I come across this damn movie while I am flipping through the channels, I cannot get it out of my head for a minimum of two days. So here's something you can do Tom Hanks; Fuck Off And Die.
- ' Mr. Roboto' by Styx: I cannot prove it but I know that after listening to this song for the first time, my hair started falling out. Fuck Off And Die Styx for making me bald.
- ' Do You Think I'm Sexy?' by Rod Stewart - Fuck No!!! Fuck Off And Die
- ' MmmBop' by Hanson' - Aaagh, you demon spawn motherfuckers, get the fuck out of my head.
- The Mmmm Mmmm song by The Crash Test Dummies - Think of some damned lyrics shitbags. That humming has to be a major cause of suicides and hate crimes in elevators.
I am sure that everyone can think of many more but with all those songs running through my head, I am not going to push it any farther. So to any annoying piece of shit song among the thousands in ipod hell, Fuck Off And Die.
Remember to go here and check out other great FOAD rants.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I have been intrigued by the psychic arts since Jackie Stallone has brought back the ancient art of rumpology. Now that even a blind man has mastered the art, it might be time for me to seriously study this ancient practice.
The numbers may lie, the stars confuse, the palms may obscure, but the ass tells all. It seems that according to this practice of fortune telling, everyone's rump has lines just like palms and not just panty lines or skidmarks. I am not fully trained in rumpology but I will make a couple of celebrity predictions using my limited knowledge of the subject.
J. Lo. has a wandering ass. An ass that is hard to tame. An ass that does not settle but is always looking for the next best thing. Until her ass settles down she will not find a lasting relationship, but will probably never lack for someone that will be more than willing to smack that ass.
Mel Gibson at first glance would appear to have a self-riotous ass but upon further study it becomes clear that he actually has a dumb ass. I predict that if he does not go to rehab then his drunk ass will get him a boot in the ass.
Now I must go and do further studies in this mystical science of rumpology. I really need to see what the future has in store for the good people in the world. Maybe a googgle search for nice ass would work. A bloggers job is never done.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
She chewed and chewed and chewed some more
She chewed until her jaws were sore.
She chewed half the night and most the day
She chewed each and every care away.
And with every chew her smile grew more wide
For the happy gumball had a surprise inside.
But then the flavor and fun came to an end.
So off to Taco Bell for the munchies to mend.
Click here to read the news story that was the inspiration for this nonsense.
( Blugstuff does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drugs, the chewing of gum, or eating at Taco Bell. Remember in the case of all three things Blugstuff urges to just say No Thanks. Have a nice day. )