Thursday, August 24, 2006

Kiss My Ass: Not So Fine Dining

Every day I add to the list of assholes and bitches that can Kiss My Ass. Here a couple of additions that make the list in the Food Service Industry.

Okay, I order my medium rare steak with all the fixin's, the waiter brings me a cold cerveza, and I happily saunter to the salad bar. What I see there makes me see fucking red; BIG LETTUCE!!! Oh you lazy ass cocksucking douchebag salad bar preparer! Would it be too fucking much to cut up the damned lettuce. It looks like you just grabbed the whole fucking head and shook the living piss out of the son of a bitch until it had shaken lettuce syndrome. Run the motherfucker through a fucking salad shooter, Amazing Moulee, or a damned food processor. For Christ's sake chop that shit up!!! Do you know how fucking stupid it looks to cut up a damned salad with a steak knife? You get all the rest of the shit precariously perched on the big fucking lettuce and go to cut the shit and a fucking cherry tomato rolls out of the damn salad plate and cruises down the fucking aisle spreading cheese and bacon bits in it's wake. So you think, I will just try to use my fork skills to pierce the big lettuce roll the bitch over and pierce it again till you have managed to get it into a serviceable size, you get the fucker two centimeters from your mouth and this rubberized piece of shit explodes and smears dressing all over your damned face. So for any motherfucker out there subjecting innocent patrons to this horror: Kiss My Ass!!! I hope you fucking choke on a big slimy brown chunk of rotten lettuce.

The other day Angry Joyce and I had the misfortune of going to a restaurant and drawing an extreme waiter. You know the type. The jerkwad that would be better off being a used car salesman. This cumbubble's service bordered on sexual harassment his nose was so far up my ass. Business was pretty light but damn don't these assholes have something better to do. I swear to God that by midway through our meal, this asshole had his hands laying on the table with his chin propped on them making idle chit chat. At least he was handy for drink refills. But still. Kiss My Ass and get a damned life. Your tip isn't going to increase by hovering. You are just pissing me the fuck off. I don't know what's worse a waiter that forgets your fucking alive or one of these douchebags.

If you want to join the ranters or just want to know where to find a few good ones, go here and check the blogroll.


Catch said...

Im with you on those damn big hunks of in the hell are you supposed to eat your salad??? It just totally pisses me off too. Especially when your knife slips and lettuce flies everywhere.

And waitresses must be getting degrees in being social.....I worry that some are going to join us for dinner! they hover and hover...I just keep sending them for more drinks. We had one waitress recently that was going to get married, she told us all about the wedding....I figured we would be on the invitation list before it was all over!

Big Pissy said...

You and Catch said it all....

I hate it when they hover!

Anonymous said...

They either hover or they ignore you completely. Hello? How do you spell no tip?

And "cumbubble"? Brilliant. My vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds because of this blog. ;)

tubawench said...

Fuzz, I so love your Kiss My Ass more than your FOADT. And once again, you are dead on with your rants. There is a happy medium between ignoring your table and hovering, it's called attentive. And I too, hate it when they don't shred the lettuce. Call me crazy, but when I am at the salad bar, I put the lettuce in my bowl and then tear it up before I add the toppings. I figure as long as I don't return any of the pieces to the serving bowl, I am not contaminating anyone. Plus, I have clean hands.

angel, jr. said...

I hate hoovering waiters, especially cause you can't have good conversation with the people you are dining with. On the otherhand I despise absentee waiters.

Ben Heller said...

I never thought the day would come when I visit my favourite blog and read dear Mr Fuzz ranting on about Rabbit food.

What has become of you my friend ?

For some reason I always pictured you as a meat and no garnish man.

LOL (good rant really)

David Amulet said...

Good rant. The hovering waiter is one of the sorriest characters in modern restaurantdom, and he deserves all the scorn you can hurl at him.

-- david

Mike said...

I agree. Be my waiter, not my friend. Leave us the fuck alone! If he was looking for something constructive to do, he should have gone to break up the lettuce!!

Ol' Lady said...

fuzzbox - another one to add to my list of 'why I don't eat out'

Crazy Dan said...

cumbubble....hehehehehehe...I have not heard that in forever, I think its going to be my WORD OF THE DAY!!

The Phoenix said...

I'm still trying to picture you throwing a fit at the salad brain just can't wrap itself around that image ;)

Green Eyes said...

I hate salad bars and buffets in general. I never eat enough food for the price and I feel wasteful when I throw the majority away. I'm too picky, I guess.

But, the lettuce? Right on, Fuzz! And, btw, thanks for your support. Very much appreciated!

oldfartswife said...

Nice azz picture!
I have not eaten from a salad bar in 5 years, very rarely eat out. I have been a waitress fuzz(that's why I eat at home),when customers gave me shit, I would phuck with their food, or scratch my azz and put my finger in their water glass, and then watch them eat and drink while I hovered over them

:P fuzzbox said...

catch: I agree their is a difference in being friendly and being a pain in the ass.

big pissy: As long as they stay in hollerin' distance then that is fine with me.

jenna: Slowly but surely I build upon my vast curse vocabulary.

tubawench: That is a great idea. But it is like doing their job for them.

:P fuzzbox said...

angel, jr: I don't know which is worse.

ben: Sometimes it is good to eat the stuff that real food eats. It builds empathy for your food and makes that slab of meat taste even better.

david: Thanks and you are absolutlely correct.

mike: Hell fuckin' yeah!!!That would surely kill two birds with one stone.

ol' lady: There does seem to be quite a few of them. I could have made the list quite extensive.

:P fuzzbox said...

cd: Glad I brought back some happy memories.

phoenix: I try to be calm but some shit has a tendency to set me off.

green eyes: You are welcome. You will do fine. Just keep your head up and don't let the stresses overwhelm you. Once again I send you my best wishes. Luv ya!

old fart's wife: Angry Joyce was a waitress for a long time and I am an extremely nice to all wait staff even when they piss me off. If I have to pitch a bitch it is as I am leaving and I never go back there again. It is a hard job and I tip my hat to the many that do a great job.

starbender said...

Have U seen the movie

This post kinda reminded me of it!

Have a nice ROMANTIC dinner at home!
...I can't stand unsatisfactory service!


yellowdog granny said...

well fuck..of course we all agree with you..who likes bigass lettuce and waiters that act like they are up for adoption...but what i really hate are those damn t-tiny round tubs of butter..about the size of a dime i hate them..and why don't they bring you water first they just plop you down and hand you a menu... no water..i like me something to do while they decide if they are going to take my order or not..
lets open our own resturant...
all ya'll can et

ozymandiaz said...

I used to be a waiter (not a particularly good one) and I hated these pricks. The only ones that were worse were the ones who could divulg their intire life stories (or at least the sob story parts) in about five minutes while giving the daily specials. Even worse, the no life regulars who would encourage them.
Fuck an A, get a fucking life.

Big D said...

Why are you eating a salad anyway ya puss.

:P fuzzbox said...

starbender: Never seen it. But I always think back to the French Toast scene in Road Trip.

granny: I hate those fuckin' baby size tubs. One of the coolest eating places that I have ever been to was in Sweetwater, Tx. It was a family style dining place. They seated you on a big table until that table was full of people. Slapped all the food on the table and passed it around. It was like a big family reunion with total strangers.

ozy: They give waiters a bad name.

big d: Not everyplace serves good chili and I have never been that big of a soup eater.

jane said...

I hate it when restaurants skimp on the food, especially a steakhouse!
That waiter reminds me of those sales people who follow you around the store. Ugh

michaelm said...

I've had many a fuckwad waiter/waitress in my time.
Yes, they can all FOAD.
Hovering is deserving of castration for male waiters, not sure for waitresses...
Stop talking and just get me my Beefeater and Tonic, doucheface!


michaelm said...


nice pic, dude.
Yeah, I'm a slut. ;)


Phats said...

You have to be nice to food service people or they will piss in your food.

Janelle might be gone this coming week :( so sad

Andie D. said...

It's been a loooooong time since I've run into the hover waiter!

Having a hover waiter is bad, but it's just plain worse to dine with someone who actually enjoys and buys into the attentions of a hover waiter. What's the point? Someone who enjoys paid attention should just go sit at the bar by herself. Mother.

Gerald Ford said...

Yeah, I like it when the waiter's just serve the food and leave you alone. No, I don't want conversation. I am here with the wife, and want to talk with *her*, not some bozo who can't find a decent job.

As for big lettuce, it's good roughage, so stop whining. ;p

:P fuzzbox said...

jane: Commision chasers can be a pain but I like to screw with those guys heads, if they are being to big of a pain. I start looking at all the really big ticket items and then when dollar signs are flashing through their head, I walk.

michael: Sadly I am a slut also. The cleavage factor comes into play when a waitress hovers.

phats: I think she has finally come to a point of no return. Erica will bounce her butt.

andie: That is masochistic to the extreme.

gerald: A big lettuce lover? Aaarrrggghhhhh, Say it ain't so.

starbender said...

U really do need 2 see Waiting!
It will be a cult classic!
run down 2 the nearest Blockbuster---and CHECK IT OUT!
It Is Hysterical!!!
(that's all I can tell You)

:P fuzzbox said...

I will definately do that.

starbender said...

Let me know how U liked it!

LisaBinDaCity said...

I absolutely love your rants, but am not sure I would want to go to supper with you ;-)

:P fuzzbox said...

starbender: Will do.

lisa: I am and excellent dinner companion. :P

Writer Chick said...

Hey Fuzz,
I used to wait tables and I always hated the smarmy wait staff who would move in on their customers. True I had a few regulars who I would joke around with - but if you have any awareness at all, you should be able to tell if people want to be left alone to talk to their dinner companion - not you.

As to the lettuce - yeah, it's a bitch - I stay away from that stuff on the salad bars, you never know where their hands were before they handled that stuff. If I want salad, I make it at home.

Metal Mark said...

I honestly never get much of a chance to eat anywhere but fast foor and that's just through the drive through. I went to a steak place last year that a buffet. The food was great as was the price and the service. Yet I felt like I was in a pinball machine as everyone was like flying in front of me to get to the food they wanted. It was frustrating to be approaching something and someone darts in front of you like you aren't even there.

:P fuzzbox said...

wc: Great advice!!!

mark: I hate crowded resteraunts. But occasionally one must succomb to their call.