Monday, August 29, 2005
As men grow older, we all find that hair can pop up in the most unappealing and unhoped for places. To the best of my knowledge no one has attempted a total body grooming guide for the real man so I have took it upon myself to tackle the subject.
1) The noggin - Remember that there is no such thing as a good combover and a good rug is hard to find and damned expensive. Most rugs look as if you have a dead animal camped out on your head. If you are balding you might as well shave the whole damn thing provided you have a good smooth noggin free of any scars, blemishes, or bumps. If you do wear a cap or let your bald spot shine on.
2) The eyebrows - Unless you are attempting a world record or have entered a drag queen Brooke Sheilds look alike contest trim your eyebrows before they start rubbing your sunglasses.
3) The nose - For god's sake trim your nosehairs before they merge with your moustache. That is nasty and no one needs to see that. Get one of those rotary cutters that you just stick in your nose and voila no hair. It works for your ears too.
4) Facial Hair - This is a personal preference issue. Clean shaven, bearded, or goateed is all good provided it is kept trim and neat. Long beards might work for ZZ Top and Santa Claus but not so much for the rest of us and Elvis sideburns are out of the question. As an old sage told me long ago, "Never cultivate anything on your face that grows wild on your ass".
5) Chest Hair - Don't worry about it. A lot of women dig it unless it grows so thick that it doubles for a turtleneck sweater. The only others shaving it are body builders, gays, or extremly pussy-whipped sissy boys. If you don't fit in these four catagories, forget about it.
6) Back hair - If you have a significant other have them shave it. It shows love on their part and an obscene amount of backhair is sick. If you have the bucks opt for lasar hair removal.
7) Pubes - Trim if you want more trim. From your significant other to the skank on the street, they all will go down quicker if they don't have to choke on two foot pubic hair.
8) Ass - Let it go wild. Kiss my hairy ass sounds so much better than just Kiss my ass.
9) Legs - Unless you are an athlete needing taped or living on the pink side of life don't worry about it. The exception that proves the rule are those with mermaids tattooed on their calves. No one wants to see a bearded fish woman.
Hopefully this guide will be helpful. Remember it is not a comprehensive map but only a starter guide. Try to remember that you want to be presentable enough to score with the ladies but not so prissy that you score with the men. So get a beard trimmer and a nose hair clipper and embark on your way to avoid being mistaken for a Sasquatch.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Yes this program was just the sick and twisted show that the promos promised. The chronicle of the Honolulu strip where most of the prostitutes are transgenders, post-sex change ops, and various chicks with dicks is a tour-de-force spectacular. Their is no words to describe the depravity and glory of the human spirit. From the chick with a dick describing how "she" was paid 50 bucks to watch a woman shit in a johns mouth to the chick with a dick who was paid 120 bucks to ream a john's bunghole, the show never surprised to shock and deliver.
The show also showed just how different the mindset of some of the transgenders are from the norm. One of the interviewees described how she detested sex with gay men but only had sex with straight men. I am sorry but sex with a chick with a dick is still gay sex in my mind. A cock is a cock although another interviewee gave the view that a hole is a hole. This view was exposed as he/she described "fish fucking" or the screwing of a tucked penis against a testicle. Another described who he/she feels like a woman in everyway but refuses to contemplate getting rid of it's penis because he/she enjoys using it.
One of the interviewees was bragging about it's breast augmentation surgery and was amazed at how men are attracted to breasts but now has realized that men want pussy too, Duh. Their was also a "woman" who underwent a sex change operation two years ago and both strips and hooks. If you didn't know you would think that she had always been an attractive woman and she has won numerous beauty contests including "Ms Penis". She explained that she would probably give up stripping due to the fact that the other strippers were jealous and would tell customers that she was a man.
My favorite line of the show was when one john asked the size of the she-males penis, the she-male replied "It's bigger than yours". In the words of the old Kinks tune "Lola", Girls will be boys and boys will be girls. Its a mixed up, shuffled up, shook up world except for Lola.
Friday, August 26, 2005
What criteria was more important when choosing female contestants this year, Big Boobs or Big Bitches? It seems a toss-up... The originator of Big Brother in Europe is forming a new reality show network. One of his first shows is about a woman choosing her perfect sperm donor from a group of contestents. I have the perfect name; The Right Jizz... Big Brother here in America would be much better if it was produced by HBO,s Real Sex and could show the downright sluttiness of the European version...
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Frank Ames of New York now holds the Guinness World Record for the Worlds Longest Eyebrow at over three inches. Which has to be at least a half an inch longer than Brooke Sheilds. Good job sticking in there and not caving in to the pressure of trimming it off no matter how many chicks you repulsed. Now the nose hair record is yours for the taking.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Hats off to Brian Zemback. He is the author of " The Man with $100,000 Breasts and Other Gambling Stories." Six years ago he accepted a wager for $100,000, that he couldn't wear breast implants for a year. Why has he kept them so long? He gives two main reasons: Number One- He has just got used to them. Number Two - Chicks dig them. They can lick, suck and fondle them without seeming like a lesbian.
Of course he shaves them on date night. But most times he wears spandex to bind them up and a loose shirt. But now he has accepted a bet to go from a C cup to a D cup. I say Good Luck with the manly mammeries and thanks for showing that there are other happy men in this sick and twisted world.
Friday, August 19, 2005
This week I found myself behind some buttmunch sitting in the road bullshitting with some fat chick. When he finally realized someone was behind him he took his damn sweet time moving his ass out of the way. The whole time I'm staring at his bumper sticker that reads,"Smile, God loves you." I'm thinking, God might love me but I'm pretty sure he knows you're a dickhead... The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports that 13,963 men every year have breast reduction surgery... Will there ever be a charity dedicated to providing chubby chicks with pot guts and a large asses with full length mirrors so they will know they don't look good in midriff tops and hip-hugger jeans?
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I had planned on a three post vent about my weekend but now it even bores me to tears. The abridged version includes a four hour trek through a flash flood including changing a flat tire in a mudhole. Now that I am over the bullshit I can concentrate on the important things in life like why are the numbers on a snack vending machine in braille when there is no braille menu of the items. I can picture a waiting room of blind people trying to trade a bag of pork rinds for a Hershey Bar. I can contemplate how white trash beautiful the new Jason Lee sitcom "Earl" will be. And I can investigate the claim that Nicole Richie has contracted a flesh eating bacteria.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Thursday, August 11, 2005
While perusing through odd news today, I came across a story that related that a goat has been proclaimed King of Ireland. It seems that during a street fair named Puck Fair a goat presides as King over the festivities during the three day event. The fair is a hold over from an ancient Celtic festival where the goat symbolized fertility. Before the event a mountain goat is captured and then kept on top of a fifteen foot pedestal overlooking the event and then released back to it's mountain home.
I couldn't help but think of the differences in this Irish festival and if a like festival happened here in the Rolling Plains of West Texas. Here any three day event involving a goat would most likely involve one day of drunken rednecks lined up around a barn waiting for their turn at screwing the goat, one day of getting drunk and barbequeing the goat, and one day of these same rednecks praying for forgiveness of their sins of beastiality and public drunkeness.
As they say when in Rome do as the Romans but I have not been invited to any goat festivals and two days would be all I could take anyway.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
This weekend I caught the latest episode of Cathouse: The Series. This show has it all. In only a thirty minute episode, the encapsulated how it is a sick world and why I am a happy man. They showed how to properly spank a bare ass, trained a total wuss how to be sexually dominant, showed how these sex workers are so oversexed that when they fire all of their sextoys up the lights dimmed and cavorted in lesbian relationships on their downtimes, they also featured a lesbian transexual, and at the end had a cameo of Bridget the Midget a bonified dwarf porno superstar. In only one thirty minute episode, they managed to pack six months of mastabatory fantasies. To top it off after the show was a promo for Honolulu Hookers which will feature she-male strippers and prostitutes. If that isn't sick and twisted Must See T.V., I don't know what is.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Mermaid Week Draws to an End
I have always been intrigued of the ingenuity of ancient man to create fantasies that still endure in the human psyche today. Ancient men sailing far from home created in their mind the fantasys of beautiful creatures and dangerous temptresses of the deep. Last night in order to celebrate the end of mermaid week, I took my wife to the lake to celebrate a little recreational water sports. As I was driving home with rocks in my sandels and sand in my buttcrack, I felt rejuvanated knowing that even as a approach forty, I have enough lead left in my pencil to get a stiffy in some damn cold water.
Friday, August 05, 2005
If an adminasstrative assistant from the Corporate Office signs off each report with "Have a blessed day" is she being rude to those wanting a day of debauchery... Overheard on A&E's Intervention, "I am addicted to Methamphetimine and Sex." Is this like Reese's Peanut Buttercups, Two great tastes that go great together?... Is Kathy Griffin right about Anna Nicole Smith? Is Trimspa 95% heroin?... Why would anyone buy a candy bar from an anorexic American Idol winner? Wouldn't the pregnant Britney Spears work better as their spokesmodel? At least she looks like she is eating candy bars these days and she probably needs the work...Isn't winning Rock Star INXS like getting the boobie prize? I would prefer second place so as to get the exposure but not have to sing with these has-beens....Lastly have a blessed weekend fuckers...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Last night I finally got around to watching an episode of Chris Angel Mindfreak. I had been meaning to catch it for a while it seemed like my kind of trainwreck. It might be mortifying but actually I enjoyed it. Last night they showed back-to-back episode. The first episode culminated with "Mindfreaks" suspended by nothing more than fishhooks to his back from a helicopter. Although I can not understand the motivation for a person to take this act of mutilation to such an extreme, I admire his testicular fortitude which far exceeds his intelligence. At the end of the episode he gets back to the ground, his back a bloody, throbbing, oozing mess, proceeds to hug all his freinds, family, and entourage so I guess inflicting massive pain upon oneself gives off touchy feely endorphins. Although anytime I stub my toe on the damn coffeetable in the dark, I only feel like cursing and burning the damn thing. Never once have I felt like waking the wife and kids having a big hugfest.
In all The Mindfreak was damn well worth watching eventhough he seemed like an update of the 70's and 80's magician Doug Henning only minus the tiedye and gay overtones.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
( Disclaimer the first part of this blog is true my wife does use this term in this fashion. The second part regarding my cock is a joke stolen from the Maxim website in an article entitled, "How to tell an offensive joke." But it sounded funny and fit so thanks to maxim.)