Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I do not know why I always seem to be the last to pick up on internet legends but this one really takes me back to my bachelorhood. In Ogden, Utah, a single man had been renting a townhouse for eight years. He was a model tenant. He never complained, he kept a low profile, and he was always on time with the rent. But then he moved.
It seems that the tenant was a Coor's Light drinker and due to the estimated 70,000 cans left in the apartment must have drank a 12 pack a day for the length of his stay. Not only did he keep the cans but he also kept the empty carton containers. I hope the 800 bucks that was garnished for turning in the cans to the recycler paid the cleaning bills.
I have heard of packrats but this is a little out of control. I bet the cleaning staff bitched to high heaven about the fetid smell of rotten beer but it could have been worse. He might have started collecting worse things than beer cans.
A) Used condoms.
B) Used tampons or feminine napkins.
C) Used toilet paper.
F) A giant Booger Ball.
G) Overflowing jars of urine.
H) Sticky Vials of Semen.
The list of items worse than used beer cans is endless when you really think of it. So the Silver Bullet is really a silver lining.
For the complete news story and more pics, click here or here.
I might add that Angry Joyce should be happy. I didn't have half that many cans when she moved in.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The Villages, a small retirement community near Orlando, Florida, has reported a dramatic increase in the rise of STD's. Authorities are reporting the increase may be blamed on the fact that there is no risk of pregnancy at their age, Viagra, and a lack of education and awareness.
Personally I can think of a few more reasons that may be contributing to this increase in STD's among the elderly.
1) Without dentures, oral sex has to be da bomb.
2) It is hard to work a condom with arthritic fingers.
3) When you are already dealing with gout, failing eyesight, heart conditions, and the long list of ailments brought on by old age, what is a little herpes among friends.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
The ghosts of American soldiers
wander the streets of Balad by night,
unsure of their way home, exhausted,
the desert wind blowing trash
down the narrow alleys as a voice
sounds from the minaret, a soulfull call
reminding them how alone they are,
how lost. And the Iraqi dead,
they watch in silence from rooftops
as date palms line the shore in silhouette,
leaning toward Mecca when the dawn wind blows.
From His Book, 'Here Bullet'
Friday, May 26, 2006
Yesterday, my brother Big D gave me a call. He asked if I would allow our brother, Crazy Dan, to guest post on Blugstuff. I asked him why since he is a team member at West Texas Rocks and posts there at times. He would not tell me the reason. I tried to call Crazy Dan but he was not home at the time.
I started thinking of why he might want to post here and not at his usual place and the answer came to me as a bright flash of light (sort of like in cartoons.) Recently, Crazy Dan was ripped to shreds at the site italk2much for making a comment to a friend telling him keep his chin up after his blogsite was given the once over by these self-proclaimed bitches. To the best of my knowledge, he did not go to their site to do so but only commented to his friend on his friends site.
After getting in touch with him later in the evening, I found that this was indeed the fact and since Big D is a fan of the site and even has them on his blogroll. Dan did not wish for his post to give Big D any grief if there was a mix up in just who posted the response.
I have no problem letting Crazy Dan post that response to them here. It is true that I keep tabs on this site. Quite a few of the blogs that are listed on my blogroll have received ill treatment at these self-proclaimed bitches. Therefore I like to see if any more will suffer from a scathing review.
I would have no problem with this site that reviews other blogs as long as the criticism is kept to the blog and not a personal attack by these self appointed mistress' of the blog world (and they do have one token male.) If constructive criticism was offered and not just roasting a blog for the sake of their sheer demented pleasure and the whims of their readership, I would have no problem with it at all.
Whenever a blogger that is on my blogroll gets treated shabbily by this site the same thought always echoes in my mind; Why in the world would anyone submit their blog to these people? If you have any questions or doubts, Ask your readers! They are the ones that count not some site where the authors only interest is seeing how much humiliation they can heap upon you.
It is true that I have seen the authors of this blog give good reviews to a few blogs but that is by far a lesser number than those that they humiliate. I fully expect that they will see this response; in fact I am sure that Crazy Dan will let them know, if not then I shall. I also expect that they will retaliate in some way. I do not know whether they will choose to legitimize either Crazy Dan's or my words on their site. I can only state that I will never submit my blog for their hatchet and if my site is reviewed, I wish for it to be known that it is not by any submission of mine.
I have built this site, as humble as it is, by being courteous to my guests, keeping my readers in mind, and telling my story in as entertaining of a way as I possibly can. Not by humiliating and demeaning others and gaining readers over the broken bodies that litter the Blogosphere. Their readership is far greater than mine so I suppose their method works best but it is a method that I cannot and will not use.
Enough of my rant. One word of caution to those readers not familiar with Crazy Dan. He can get a tad bit foul at times. Take it away Crazy Dan.
Stand Up For Your Brothers And Sisters
The ladies of 'I Talk Too Much' want my balls and used the high school method of being a bitch so that they can try and wrestle with the anaconda. Unfortunately for them I am getting married soon so they can not experience the joy that is my cock.
Their site is all about talking shitty about other blogs. I have no problem with that. I love talking shit myself but at least I can take it when someone decides to sling some of that shit back my way. However, they have some gay ass disclaimer telling people not to talk back to them if you don't like what they say.
For standing up for my fellow blogger they have decided to attack me. I did not go back to my blog and talk shit about them. I merely commented to a friend on his site to keep his chin up. Sure he asked for the criticism, after all he did submit his blog to their site in hopes of getting some feedback. However, I am going to defend my friends eventhough their site tells you not to defend them. Only a piece of shit cocksucker would not defend their friends. I do not care if my friends pants are covered in shit and smells like Ms. Chatty's trailer house, to me the smell reminds me of rain in the summer if some questions them about hygiene.
Still I would not post anything bad against their blog but they told me, "Can you get a little more original? Think of something on your own?" So I will attempt to be more creative for them.Note I can not use the following:Fat, Whores, or Bitches (This one really is not fair since they call themselves bitches) Ignorant, uneducated and stupid.
"I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING KIDS K?" Thank you Jesus for making this woman's vagina so horrible that no man will enter it for fear of the noxious fumes. (A simple sentence that actually shows that she is not a whore because no one on Earth would want to have sex with her.)
"I also make more money in a month than you will in 6 so obviously I'm very good at what I do." I am sure by being one of the few professionals that will engage in double anal, fisting, and bukake your business schedule is filled and no one could hope to compete with your bank account. Not only do I applaud you for making more then I do but I would like to inquire as to your anal gang bang charge. (Some might argue that I am saying she is a whore here but whores do not get paid for their services.)
"If you hate us so much why the fuck are we on your blogroll?" First off it is not my blog Big D is generous and lets me post there sometimes. I never said that I hated you. I can be friends with fat bitchy housewives that play cum gurgling queen games for their grandfathers because they are uneducated and do not realize that being a whore is not something that is considered good. Enjoy being the toothless donkey fucking skidmark of bloggerdom. (Damn, I guess your right I am an unoriginal bastard that steals all my creativity from other people. Thanks for the idea though.)
by Crazy Dan
Thursday, May 25, 2006
We arrived back at the picnic area. The teachers had brought along some Match-Light charcoal as it is against the parks regulations to gather firewood. A little plan was formulated. Mrs. B. had two rocks that she was striking together over the fire and I slipped around and lit the fire with a Bic lighter. Mrs. J. yelled a cheer and the kids turned around as with the final clack of the rocks the fire leapt into the air. Soon the fire ebbed down and the kids held their weinies over the fire from the end of a wire clothes hanger. Although I had brought no beer, the S'mores for dessert took a lot of the sting out of the pain of cooking out without a cold beer.
After the meal, the class loaded back up into the Suburbans and made the twenty mile drive down the highway to the other end of the park. We finally made it to the point of the old railroad track. Once at that point, the ranger unlocked the gate and we made our journey down the 10 miles of track to reach Clarity Tunnel. The tracks crossed several wooden bridges and one long concrete one. I could not believe how narrow these bridges were. I had always thought that trains were wider than that but the side mirrors of the Suburbans had only a few inches of clearance on both sides. The kids had been warned of the bridges in advance so there were a few gasps but thankfully no screams.
Once we reached the tunnel, we were able to turn around and park about 100 yards away from the entrance to the tunnel in order not to scare the bats. The class took a short walk down the old railroad tracks and reached one of the bridges to gaze over the canyon beneath. As it was quickly approaching dusk, the ranger led the way back to the tunnel. When we got back, the first of the Mexican Freetail Bats were exiting the tunnel to make their nightly rounds. The ranger had explained that the bats fanned out over a fifty mile radius to forage for insects.
The bats as they were flying out in magnificent columns reminded me of schools of fish. All going in the same general path but taking various routes flying around each other in what appeared to be orchestrated confusion. Most of the bats were flying off to our right but soon the bats started flying directly over our heads, some flew so low that you could hear the whoosh of their passing and the soft beating of their wings. Watching two million bats flying overhead like columns of winged warriors is an experience that I will never forget. It seemed almost majestic in a way.
The trip back home was uneventful. The days excitement had worn down most of the kids so there was very little antics of the morning. I am glad that I was asked to go along. I cannot remember a fieldtrip half as enjoyable when I was a kid. I plan to go back this summer with the whole family to share this experience. There may be bigger canyons and there may be caves with greater numbers of bats but I doubt that any of those can equal this experience that I shared with my son and his class.
( The picture of the bats in flight were taken off of the web. The park does not allow flash photographs of the bats as it is disorienting to them and might in fact make them aggressive. Two million aggressive bats is something that I really did not want to experience.)
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The group loaded up and after a short drive made it to the starting point for the hike down Eagle's Point Trail. After dropping off the kids, Mrs. B. and Mrs J. drove off so as to leave one of the Suburbans at the other end of the trail. I was left with Mrs. P., to watch the urchins. After the long drive they were as twitchy as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I was having a blast watching Mrs. P. using the old school method of keeping a herd of schoolkids in line. It was nice to hear a teacher jump all over an out of line kid and not be the one getting their butt jumped on.
During this wait, Bratly introduced himself to me. Bratly is one of those type of kids that we are all familiar with. The kid has a pretty good heart but he is always in trouble. He is active to the point of consternation and would probably explode if he had to shut his yap for more than a span of a minute. He started taking pictures with his disposable camera right and left to the point that his entire roll of film would be used up before we even started the excursion. Watching him running around giving a non-stop running commentary of the surroundings and the world in general and taking pictures of mesquite trees, cactus, his classmates, and puffs of clouds, I couldn't help but think of the remarkable similarity to a famous urchin of the film world.
The other teachers arrived and we started our hike. The temperature was already starting to reach 90 degrees and it was only mid-morning. The canyon was remarkable not to the degree of The Grand Canyon but it was still remarkable the way nature had sculpted a work of art on a grand scale. Mrs. B. had taken a two week course in the park concerning the various aspects of the park so she proved a very good guide. The first real stop of the trip was a spot along a dry creekbed where the water running down the canyon had cut a natural bridge. We climbed off the main trail and gazed through the bridge.
The hike then resumed with the teachers pointing out the various plants along the trail including the sensitive plant. The sensitive plant is one that I have seen many times in the past but I had never before knew it's actual name although I had always been amazed by it's properties. Once touched, the leaves of the plant curl up to protect itself. The kids were also shown one of my favorite plants, the Stinkberry Bush, so named because the berries of the plant mimic the odor of a skunk.
That is when the trail took a turn for the worse. The trail started to climb back out of the canyon. And as the trail climbed, the temperature started climbing right along with it. I had been walking at the rear of the pack in order to keep company with the slower walkers among the children. I was pleasantly surprised by the stamina of the kids though for I heard very little moaning and groaning. Maybe those journalists who bitch and moan about today's kids should go on one of these nature hikes and just see that these kids still have some get up and go, including one little lady who had made the hike in a walking cast.
We arrived about at the end of the trail which was just another short walk down the paved road to the picnic tables and a sack lunch. The lunch ladies had known just what to pack; a sandwich, chips, and chocolate chip cookies. The lunch layover lasted quite a while as everyone was pretty well worn out from the hike and the heat.
After the layover was a trip to the Ranger Station where the Park Ranger gave a talk and a slide show presentation of the various bats that we would see at the bat fly out later that day. After the slide show the ranger passed out the hides and skulls of the various creatures found in the park including raccoons, deer, bobcats, badgers, and coyotes. Then she spoke of the parks history and the archeological site of Mammoths located at the park and of the Paleo-Indians that once inhabited it. We went outside and were given a short demonstration on throwing a spear with an atlatl.
The kids lined up and took turns attempting to throw the atlatl. One large kid chunked his spear about 100 feet. It was finally my turn and the damn spear went about 20 feet and that was about it. Mrs. B. had some practice with the device and was barely able to match the kid. I could have chunked the spear farther with my bare hand but I can see how with a little practice it would really make a spear fly.
While watching the final group throw their spears, Danielle introduced herself and attempted to teach me various phrases in German, French and Italian but it was rather odd hearing all of these languages spoken in the same redneck twang of an accent. After the throwing demonstration, the group loaded up for a trip back to the picnic area for a wienie roast; Hot dogs and Smores, but could I survive a barbeque without cold beer.
Tomorrow I will post the third and final installment of The Fieldtrip. Which will include the viewing of the bat fly out at Clarity tunnel.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Yes, the day had come; The day, which had been consuming me with a mixture of dread and excitement for the the past 10 days. It was a bright sunshiny day and the weatherman had forecasted clear skies and a temperature of 100 degrees. I was thinking to myself that this should make for an interesting bus ride. When I arrived at the school to my surprise there were no buses so I assumed that they would just be running a bit late.
I went to the cafeteria to meet up with the class as they were passing out breakfast to the urchins. After the breakfasts were handed out, the class lined up in two lines of boys and girls. I took my place in the rear of the boys line. One boy asked how tall I was and when I replied six foot, they oohed and aahhed over my height. Evidently their dads were little people. To my great fortune, I discovered that we would not be riding in any old yellow schoolbus but would be traveling in a fleet of oversized Suburbans ( If you can call two a fleet.) I would be traveling in the air-conditioned lap of luxury.
Another prayer answered was the fact that the teachers looked less like the principal from Uncle Buck than the teacher from the Van Halen, 'Hot for Teacher' video. Although in perfect honesty the teacher that was driving the Suburban is 5 months pregnant but you can't have everything can you? So I loaded my gear in the Suburban and helped load the days supplies and helped get the young 'uns climb aboard.
The kids were mostly quiet as we left out, with the sounds of munching, crunching and slurping of their breakfast. But as the chocolate milk kicked in on the spawn, the first sign of discontent started. The kids were clambering for music but the teacher for some unknown reason did not want to turn on the radio. Yikes, a two hour trip listening to nothing but the sound of urchins and Jr. Underachievers. It might be a long day after all.
Minus the music, the urchins started a game of 'I Spy' but when one of the boys spied with his little eye a fat ugly girl, the teacher put a temporary halt to the game. I was a bit pissed because I knew the answer right away and I had always sucked at this game when I was a kid and now I had thought that years of perfecting my observance skills would finally pay off.
After the long trip, we finally arrived in the town of Quitaque (pronounced Kitty Quay.) The park was only a short distance away. First stop, The Restrooms, so I held the door open for the kids to get out and use the facilities. By the time the last of the little people had got out, the ruckus had already started in the men's room. One of the teachers went to the door of the men's room and told the guys to quiet down. They did but only slightly. I needed to go myself and could not resist using my drill sergeant voice, so I slung the door open and barked, 'Settle Down, Get your business done, and Step lively.' That got the little grunts humping, although the effect would have had a little more impact if I could have resisted laughing when they all turned and looked at my with big wide eyes.
And then it was time to load back up and begin a two mile hike through the rugged canyons of Caprock Canyon State Park. Stay tuned tomorrow for Part Two of The Fieldtrip.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Last night, I fell and banged my arm and shoved my hand through a glass window. This morning, I went and had it x-rayed on the off chance that it was broken since I was still in a bit of pain.
After getting it x-rayed, the doctor said it wasn't broken but I had quite a bit of soft tissue damage. He gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer and a 1/4 pound of medicinal marijuana for the pain. The nurse then gave me a tetanus shot and an antibiotic and bandaged me up.
The direction on the bag of medicinal marijuana said to smoke two doobies three times daily as needed for pain for the first week. Then a doobie daily as needed in order to wean me off the doctor's doobage. The pharmacist explained to me the side effects of medicinal marijuana. I warned me to keep plenty of snacks around as I might get what is known as the munchies. He said that Chee-to's worked very well to combat this symptom but to stay away from hot and spicy foods as they have a tendency to go down really well but the aftereffects after they are digested could be a pain in the ass. He also explained that this medicine could seriously effect my give-a-shitter. Another effect that he explained to me was the fact that this medication has been known to cause people to take on certain Chinese facial features and the red eye so I might want to carry some Visine.
So if I seem even more incoherent and lackadaisical than usual it is the medicine or at least that is my story and I am sticking to it.
(In all actuality, I was only given a prescription for a muscle relaxer and Vicodin. But wouldn't that be cool if natures alternative was an option.)
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Day has arrived that I spoke of here. I will be boarding a bus and playing Gandalf to a bunch of babbling halflings. Although the tunnel that we will be visiting to watch the bat fly out is no Mine Of Moria, I still think that I will carry a walking stick. Maybe if there is a teacher or another parent that is a shrew, I can re-enact the Balrog scene from LOTR.
" I am a servent of the Secret Fire, weilder of the Flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udan. Go Back to the Shadow. You shall not pass. You nappy assed biatch!!!"
Have a great weekend everyone and Wish me luck! If I do not check back in awhile, You will know that one of three things has happened.
A) The demon spawn have driven me into an insane asylum.
B) I got too drunk and fell to my demise in the Canyon.
C) I lost the battle with the Balrog. ( I hope she doesn't have a wart like that principal in the movie 'Uncle Buck.' That would be just plain nasty.)
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Sometimes you give shit and sometimes you take shit. Sometimes you get shit fed to you with a spoon. Some people know their shit and some people don't know shit. In fact some people are so full of shit that their eyes are brown. But every once in a while you meet a pretty good shit.
Sometimes you have a shitty day but some days are shit-free until the shit hits the fan and the bluebird of happiness shits on your birthday cake. Sometimes you come up with some good shit but other days shit happens and you can't come up with shit.
Some things are worth a shit and some things aren't worth shit for nothing. Some things make you stand in awe and nothing can describe it but Holy Shit while other things only make you curse shit on a shingle.
Some people give a shit and some couldn't give shit all. And some people are just so happy that they could shit. Some people you wish would shit and fall back in it, some you would be happy to see suck shit through a straw, and still others you would like to see eat shit and die.
Well that should be just about enough shit for one post so fuck this shit, I'm outta here. Here's hoping that your day is not a shitty one. Because I for one have had enough of the bullshit.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Something has come to my attention that flat out sickens me. It is starting to become big news but since it has just come to my attention, I thought that I would speak my piece about it.
Fran O'Briens Steakhouse, located inside The Hilton Hotel in the Capitol, has been serving free steak dinners to veterans from Bethesda Naval Hospital, who have been injured during the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. The cook there went so far to make sure that all guests would enjoy their outing that for one patient who had lost his lower jaw, he perfected a way to puree a steak and make it not only edible but tasty.
During lease negotiations the owners of the steakhouse requested that the hotel fix a lift so that handicapped veterans could have fair and equal access to the restaurant as the law prescribes. The only entrances to the restaurant were a stairway, ( the escalator broke in 1998 and the hotel will not fix) or through a service lift located through the security desk and a coat room. Instead of installing an elevator to fix the problem, Hilton Hotel Corporation chose to provide equal access by evicting the owners and closing the restaurant down. Nothing like good sound business decisions, huh.
It will be a cold day in hell before I ever stay in a Hilton Hotel or any of their subsidiaries: Conrad Hotels, Doubletree, Embassy Suites, Hampton Inn, Hampton Inn & Suites, Hilton Garden Inn, Homewood Suites, and Scandic. Another suggestion that I have seen mentioned is the letter writing campaign with a twist. When you are staying at a hotel ( not any of these listed ), use that hotels stationary and write a letter to Hilton Hotel Corporation telling them just what you think of their attitude towards veterans and the handicapped addressed to:
Executive Vice President,
Hilton Hotel Corporation,
9336 Civic Center Drive
Beverly Hills, California 90210
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
The current topic over at Beauty vs. The Beast is, "What are the three main attributes that make a great lover." I will paraphrase Jack Nicholson from the movie, ' Goin' South', " I don't want to put callouses on my hand pattin' myself on the back, but this is maybe my beastliest post yet." If practice makes perfect maybe after another couple of hundred posts, I might be worth a shit. But I wouldn't bet the farm on it.
Here's to a good nights sleep on a dry spot; if you can find one. If you can't then count yourself lucky and I don't have to tell you to have a good night.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Yes it is truly over. My mullet man neighbor is gone for good. No more will I hear the whine of the police siren and mullet man's wife's lilting voice screaming, "Take that sumbitch to jail." No more will I hear the sound of love as fine breakable Elvis memorabilia hits the wall.
How do I know that he is gone for good? How do I know that after the countless times that he has come and gone that now is truly the end? The answer is simple really. When he was going to be gone for a couple of days or a week, his beer cooler would be gone from under his carport. When he was going to be gone for a couple of weeks or months, his beer cooler would be gone from underneath his carport and he would take his dawg. But now the end is truly here for his beer cooler is gone from underneath the carport, he took his dawg, and this time he loaded up his barbeque pit and hauled ass.
Without the love of a redneck woman, he has cold beer, his dawg, and his barbeque pit. He has nothing for a redneck to come back for. It is over.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
One of the cornerstones of the internet has been network neutrality. This same exact principle behind the phone system. This means that each and every website is given fair and exact treatment by the internet. Large corporations like McDonalds website loads no faster or comes in more clearly than Joe Shmo selling homemade beer bongs. Just like no call is given priority over any other call and is given the same opportunity for a crisp clean call.
The large cable providers such as AT&T and Verizon are lobbying Congress to change this. They would like to prioritize sites paying a fee to load faster and have greater digital clarity than those sites that did not pay them their blackmail fee.
I know what you are asking. What does this mean to me. Well here are a few changes that I can foresee if this goes into effect.
1) On-Line Personals: Those with the bucks to pony up can be assured of the utmost in digital clarity while less incomed individuals pics will load slower than porn videos on dial up. Leaving everyone with the opportunity to check out skanks and butt ugly boneheads with cash in scarified living color but some poor hottie and beefcake are left grainy and unviewable.
2) Small Business: Every small business on the net will load like molasses but the companies forking over the cash will practically pop off your monitor. People will be frustrated by the long wait from some mom and pop operation and swoop down on the goods sold by some big company.
3) Blogging: If you think blogger is a pain now. Wait'll this hits. The only blogs that will come up worth a crap will be hawking loan consolidations and cheap Viagra.
4) Free Porn: There will be no such thing as free porn. All porn will be watered down for the masses as Playboy and other large pay-sites scramble to get the most hits by forking over large payments to the internet providers. No more donkey porn, no more foot fetish fanatics, no more obscure fetishes of any kind. You might as well watch underwear ads on Network TV.
There is something you can do. MoveOn is an organization dedicated to keeping the net neutral. I do not agree with this organizations politics in general but on this issue, I am fully in agreement. For more information click here. To sign their on-line petition click here.
Many Thanks to Michael at Smoke and Mirrors for passing this on.
I would also like to add that many feel that this is unnecessary due to the fact that the free market should correct itself due to the theory that people will just switch internet providers to choose the one that best fits their needs. It is also a hot issue among conservatives, who do not wish for any further government regulation in our lives, and that may very well be a valid point.
There is precedent for this law as it is modeled after the one that rules telephone communication. I know that this post paints a rather far fetched scenario but some truly feel that it could come to this. While I do not trust our government as far as I could throw them, I trust major corporations even less.
The choice is really yours to make. I can only say that it is an issue that will affect all users of the net one way or another, sooner or later.
Friday, May 12, 2006
A very special reader of this humble blog is having a birthday today. I wish her the best of day's. My birthday wish for her is that the muses whisper softly in her ear throughout the coming year and that she gets her wish of umpteen hundred comments of birthday wishes. Happy Birthday, Vic.
And to everyone else, Have a great weekend. And Hey, Hey, Hey, Be Safe Out There.
The artwork featured on this post is a piece done by Jonathon Earl Bowser entitled " The Muses. " For a close up and description of each of the nine Muses, click here. I suppose my patron Muse would be Thalia, the Muse of Comedy. She looks rather mischievous sitting cross legged in the middle of the picture.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
My son's fifth grade teacher contacted me and asked if I would help chaperone the classes field trip to Caprock Canyon State Park to witness the scores of bats fly out of an old railway tunnel that they call home. Like a boneheaded pushover, I agreed to help keep an eye on the group of fourth, fifth, and sixth graders.
So in a couple of weeks, I will be departing by school bus at 8:00 a.m. and traveling for over two hours. I plan on sitting at the back of the bus. I need to collect some straws and some paper. I would love to relive the days of my youth sitting at the back of the bus coating the drivers rearview mirror in spitwads.
Who knows, I might even enjoy myself at the park in spite of being surrounded by little demons. There is guided nature hikes and the park is the home of the Official Buffalo Herd started by Charles Goodknight. The hike to the tunnel, where the bats will fly out of at night, is two miles. Hopefully I won't have to cart out any of the munchkins, that are more use to the couch than the great outdoors. In fact, I wonder how it would go over if I rig up a chair on poles and have a horde of the spawn carry me to and from the tunnel, like a conquering Roman upon his litter.
The itinerary lists us as returning home about midnight. I think that I should pack some liquor and playing cards and teach the kids the intricacies of the game of poker for the long ride home. If I am going to be a chaperone then I should get a little bit back out of the ordeal.
I will update this post as the event draws closer and hopefully post a few pics after the adventure. Hell, this might even become a side-gig. My business card could read:
:P Fuzzbox - Chaperone For Hire: " Your personal Uncle Buck for the New Millinium "
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The rise of morbid obesity in children is no secret and a cause for concern but just like everything else that they get their mitts on the army of politically correct dumbasses are taking extreme measures to make the world a bland and tasteless place.
Their target in this war on fat kids is none other than that beloved glutton, Cookie Monster. And Sesame Street caved in to their demands like a thirty year old cesspool. First, Cookie Monster sang of cookies being a sometimes food and now on the Sesame Street website they have a game where the Big Blue Eating Machine tosses a salad.
The morons of political correctness know no boundarys and have now turned a lovable icon into just another salad tosser. How sad! I refuse to link this game as it is a complete travesty and affront to the dignity of a once proud Cookie Monster. I have but one thing to say to these political correctoids, "Toss My Salad!!!"
Monday, May 08, 2006
Sometimes I find a news story that lives up to my header; It's A Sick World And I'm A Happy Man.
A brothel in Berlin, Germany, where prostitution is legal, has become the first of its kind to offer special deals to virgins and first time brothel customers. Special prostitutes are given "sensitivity training" in order to delicately transition these first timers in the art of lust for hire.
It brings a tear to my eye and warms me to the bottom of my crusty old heart to see that we are truly becoming a kinder gentler society. As Tiny Tim would say, if he were alive today, " God Bless Us, Every One!"
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I have to go to work today and am not very enthusiastic about it. I hate working on Saturdays. I can hear the birds singing outside and know that I must be in the office and not out enjoying the weekend.
I thought that I would take a page from companies such as Wal-Mart and Best Buy, that gather up and do a morning cheer before starting the workday. That might pump up some enthusiasm for me. I don't know many cheers but I learned this one sometime in the mid '80's but have forgotten just who to give credit for coming up with this little gem. So anyway, here goes nothing:
Rat's Ass, Bat's Ass
Dirty Old Twat
69 Assholes Tied in a knot
Hey Lizard Shit
I feel better already.
Friday, May 05, 2006
The new post over at Beauty vs. The Beast delves into fantasy. Specifically the topic regards whether fantasizing of others is in some way cheating on your significant other.
I am more of a situational fantisizer. The partner in my fantasies is almost always Angry Joyce and the fantasies revolve of times and situations that we have not been through. She would probably say that most of my fantasies involve myself and a mirror.
She is much more open about her fantasies than I am. She will tell me of hers and we will then go about acting them out and fulfilling them. I, on the other hand, feel somewhat possessive of my fantasies. I do not mind her sharing her fantasies and I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed by mine. I am also secure and comfortable enough in our relationship to tell her my fantasies. Maybe I feel in some way that some of my fantasies would grow weaker in my mind if I shared them and that if I fulfilled them then they would no longer have the same luster in my mind.
A special thanks to The Weirdgirl and Angel Jr. for their guest posts. You both did a great job. I also must add that Siren did her usual excellent job in putting the post together. I loved the Jabba pic.
Happy Fantasies to all.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
They call it abusing yourself so I guess that it's true, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And sometimes you just have to be good to yourself.
May has been proclaimed Masturbation Month. Celebrate responsibly.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
At a good Tex-Mex Joint, with some good food on the table and a cold bottle of XX Equis in my hand, Tejano music is just the ticket, otherwise it is not on my lists of favorite genres. I would probably fall asleep at the wheel if forced to listen to the Agri-Business report for over five minutes. So I was forced with the lesser of three evils and chose to listen to Dr. Laura.
I do not really grasp the popularity of Rush Limbaugh in drag but each to their own as I like to say. Although it was cool when her nude pics splashed over the net took her down a peg or two.
A caller called in and told the doc that she was 21 years old and desperately wanted more than anything in the whole wide world to be a mom. She wanted advice on how to go about dating to find the father of her dreams. The doc suggested that on first dates that she simply ask the guy if he was ready to be a husband and to support a family right now.
I'm an old fart so I can't speak for all 21 year old guys but I can remember what I was like when I was 21. ( In patches, at least.) So I can say that I could gauge these guys reaction to this question with a 99 and 33/100'ths percent certainty.
If you want to see just how Roger Bannister was able to successfully break the four minute mile just rock on with your question. When I was 21 I would have cut and run like Forrest Gump in a cloud of dust, assholes and elbows to the nearest exit.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
While sitting in the doctor's office, I found this article in an old National Geographic. It concerns the East Wind community in Tecumseh, Missouri. From what I take of the article, this is a community of like minded individuals sharing a simple interest in communal living, organic gardening, and nudity.
As a public service to these individuals, I have taken it upon myself to make a list of inappropriate come on lines for the nude gardener looking for love.
1) How about going behind the corn crib and shucking my cob?
2) I hope you like pickles because I have a cucumber with your name written all over it.
3) I guarantee that my chili pepper is the hottest thing that you have ever put in your mouth.
For the gay gardener: 4) You look like a fruit lover. How do you like it, sweet and juicy or tart and tangy?
For the lady gardener: 5) If you like my melons now just wait until you get a taste of my honeydew!
Monday, May 01, 2006
My father has often told me the stories of it's heyday in the 50's and early 60's. With a barbershop in the side lobby filled with people. Where for a quarter, you could watch a double feature, get a Coke, have a candy bar. and have a nickel left over. When I pass by the sign at night and it is all aglow it is not hard to picture those days.
I have many memories of The Palace Theatre. I loved to sit up in the balcony listening to the hum of the projector and watching the thin beam of light put forth it's magic onto the screen. I loved watching the cartoons before the show, Chilly Willie, Woodie Woodpecker, Droopy, and all the rest. It was there during a showing of 'Jaws' that I had my first real date and my first real kiss.
It will be nice if and when it is back to running. It would be nice if a new generation of towns people could forge memories of their own, sitting in the dark and watching the visions on the screen. But maybe that is a bit optimistic on my part. Maybe the large screen TV's, the DVD players, and surround sound have effectively shut down any comebacks to the old time movie theatres of days gone by in rural America. Call me outdated if you will but somehow I don't like to think of that.