Thursday, March 16, 2006

What I Would Do


If you were God or George 'Dubya' Bush and could pass any law or rule that you could; What would you do? I know exactly what I would do. In fact, I could write a list a mile long if I were able to enact any law or regulation that all citizens would have to follow to make this a more perfect society. So in order to keep this post as brief as possible, I will only give a few of 'Fuzz's Fundamental Code of Conduct: Road Rules.'

Before starting the list of a few rules, I thought that I would give a brief overview of my idea of punishment. I feel that punishment should not have been taken out of the public arena and placed out of sight behind bars. That not only took away a cheap form of entertainment but also took away a good way to encourage people to stay on the right side of the law. Therefore all punishments will be given in a public arena. A large whipping post will be erected in the parking lots of all Wal-Marts. Wal-Mart has grown in recent years to become the hub of all human existence so it would make a convenient location to get the greatest number of the viewing populace. In addition to public viewings of punishments, pictures should be taken of all proceeds and these pictures put on the containers of Happy Meals at McDonald's and on Kid's Meals at all fast food establishments in order to reach the youth and keep them on the right track.

Now on with the list:

1) If you cruise down the highway for over three miles with your blinker on giving the illusion of going around the world to the left then you will be taken to the whipping post and given twenty lashes.
2) If you bust your ass to cut someone off in traffic and then slow down to twenty miles below the speed limit then you will be tied to the whipping post and given a Tobasco enema.
3) If you knowingly steal a parking space from someone who has been waiting for some douchebag to pull out of a spot in a Wal-Mart parking lot then you will be tied to the whipping post and given a Brazilian Bikini Wax.
4) If you run a red light while yaking on a cell phone then you will be tied to the whipping post and have your butt cheeks superglued together and force fed ranch style beans and Hormel Chili until the pent up gas rips your superglued butt cheeks apart.
5) If you have the super bright Halogen Bulbs and insist on bright lighting oncoming traffic then you will be tied to the whipping post and given a cavity search by Shaquille O'Neal.
6) People that drive too slow in the fast lane will be tied to the whipping post and slathered in menstrual fluid.
7) People that have one of those 'My child is an Honor Student' bumper stickers on their car will be tied to the whipping post and forced to listen to the Local Elementary's School kazoo recital of 'Three Blind Mice' until their ears bleed.
8) People that speed up to maximum velocity and pass other motorists just so they can slam on their brakes and turn into a driveway will be tied to the whipping post and have their private parts attacked by angry squirrels.

If the violator has a Jesus Fish attached to their bumper then they will also receive a high colonic as such a hypocrite must also be full of shit and needs to be relieved of this extra burden.

If all the rules enforcers look like this officer then I will be easy to pick out on the highway. I will be the guy going around the world to the left.

40 comments:

the coolest kid in the world said...

this post was what caught my attention. I was just out browsing around today looking for information on coolest kid in california, and happened accross your blog. Although it's not completely related to coolest kid in california, it certainly made me stop and ponder. Thanks for the great read :P fuzzbox...I'll be back.

michaelm said...

Fuzz-

I'll be the guy also with his left blinker on in the car directly behind you.
Please stop me officer, I've been a very, very bad little boy.
Great post. I've thought for many years that pay-per-view TV would be a great way to slow the crime rate.
Showing a few choice electrocutions could do the populace wonders.
Proceeds would go to the families affected. But maybe that would open up another can of squishy beans...

~m

David Amulet said...

What I was hoping for was a line that good drivers, those who don't violate your rules, get to "do time" with the pictured cop. Now THAT would be an incentive.

Your post caught my attention, because I was borwsing today looking for information on comment spam, and happened across your blog. Although it's not completely related to comment spam, it certainly made me stop and ponder. Thanks for the great read Fuzzmeister ... I'll be back.

-- david

Dr. Cissa Fireheart said...

ROFLMFAO Fuzz!!


HAHAHA David!

I needed the laugh this morning -- thanks!!

oh yeah and you forgot the one about people who switch lanes without using a blinker causing people to swerve to avoid being hit -- tied to the pole and their eyes super glued open and fresh cut onionins in their face for 5 minutes. unless they DID cause one, in that case, their eyes are superglued open and they are forced to withstand fresh cut onions in front of them for 60 minutes

Vic said...

ooooh, ooooh... If you pull out in front of me just to turn off again 100 yards down the road...

Wait, why do I suddenly feel the urge to break traffic laws? Hmmmm. Will you use the cuffs Fuzz?

:P fuzzbox said...

cool kid: Thanks for popping in. Aren't technorati searches strange?

michael: Pay per View executions? Who would make the best emcee? I am going with Ermy the guy from Mail Call and Platoon. He would make it entertaining.

david: That would be the best way to do 'hard time'.

cissa: Excellent punishments!!!

vic: I'd be happy to oblige!!!

ozymandiaz said...

Simple, legalize drugs and prostitution. Regardless of whether your for them or not is irrelevant because they both exist. If they were legal they could be licensed monitored. Drugs would be safer and hookers would be clean (and protected themselves). Also great sources of revenue for the govt.

Sherri said...

LOL! This was awesome!

I personally hate the guy who speeds up to the point where you can't pass when you have the opportunity to pass him, then slows right down to nothing when you don't have the opportunity anymore.

Mimi said...

You need to come up with a punishment for the pricks who take up two parking spaces. you are more creative than me so I will leave it up to you!

:P fuzzbox said...

ozy: Excellent ideas. I need to do a follow up post on Vice dreams.

sherri: Those people are the worst. I have received speeding tickets for passing those guys when I finally got so p.o.ed that I just blew by them and then the cop caught me and would not give me any slack for haveing to haul ass to pass some rude scumbag.

mimi: Those kind of people do deserve a special punishment. And why do they all seem to be driving some damn monster truck or SUV that forces you to back all the way into oncoming traffic before you can see around them. I say tie them to the whipping post and spread honey from one nipple to the other put ants on one nipple and create a trail of tears.

Shay said...

Finally!

Fuzz in 08!!

Ben Heller said...

LOL Fuzz.

I've got a funny feeling you have a little Jekyll and Hyde character transformation when someone puts a steering wheel in your hand.

I'll look out for you on the highway, and be extra well behaved.

You're not alone though, my normally mellow, mild mannered and sweet girlfriend, changes to a seething, filthy mouthed terror when she gets behind a wheel. When she swears at other motorists, I always say "What was that for ?", and she always replies "because he's on the road".

Perplexio said...

What about those yellow ribbon magnets? What's the punishment for those?

And what if the Jesus fish is wearing the yellow ribbon?

The Phoenix said...

I fear the tabasco enema and the angry squirrels.

angel, jr. said...

I like those rules. Would the chick wearing the fishnets be the one issuing the citations?

Bruce said...

I have just one: If you are a member of Jerry Falwell's Thomas Road Baptist Church cult, you will be tied to an anthill and have honey poured over you.

:P fuzzbox said...

shay: I will not run for office nor will I accept the nomination. I am more of a power behind the throne kind of a guy. An idea man if you will.

ben: My wife hates riding with me. I know it may sound hard to believe but I have a tendency to yell curse words and give obscene gestures while driving.

perplexio: I have never seen a Jesus fish with a yellow ribbon. That would be very odd. Like a clown fish or something.

phoenix: A tobasco enema would be a harsh penalty indeed. I am worried that it would attract a lot of fetishists.

angel jr: You gonna be going around the world to the left also?

:P fuzzbox said...

bruce: Until Judgement Day!!!

Johnny Wadd said...

I would defiantly pass a law that all cops have to look similiar to that picture.

Fuckkit said...

A-fucking-men to that! And may I add, people who take more than 2.5 seconds to get in gear and get the handbrake off when the light turns green will be tied to the whipping post and stabbed. Not particulary imaginative but fun all the same.

Green Eyes said...

LOL, you are soooo strict! But as they say, "let the punishment fit the crime!"

#8 reminded me of the new Willy Wonka. Pretty freaky shit with squirrels!

:P fuzzbox said...

mic: If all cops looked like that then I would definantly take my punishment like a man.

fukkit: I hate that. Especcially if they are reading a newspaper and have to be honked into awareness.

green eyes: I watched Charlie and The Chocalate Factory this weekend. Maybe it subconsciencely crept into my post. I loved Johnny Depp's line, 'Don't bother the squirrels nuts little girl.' Phunny.

:P fuzzbox said...

Spambot deletion :)

Perplexio said...

There are also those Christian "My boss is a Jewish Carpenter" bumper stickers.

I think we need to have one for Scientologists:

"My boss was a hack Sci-fi writer."

Green Eyes said...

Fuzz: A lot of people didn't like the movie. I though Depp was brilliant! And yeah, those squirrels will definitely stay hidden in the back of your mind forever!

Big D said...

You just like touching nude strangers you perv.

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: That is sheer poetic genius.

green eyes: Depp is the greatest actor of our times. Bar None.

big d: Damn Busted ;)

jane said...

#8 happened to Tarzan & I on Saturday. Heck, I like all of what you said. The menstrual fluid thing was TMI, but hey, I'd vote for you!

Keshi said...

Fuzz u forgot abt ppl who turn right straight in front of u when it's ur turn to GO...

U can write humorous stuff so well Fuzzy :)

Keshi.

April said...

For a cop that looks like that, I'll break all those rules and more...

She's hot, what can I say?? I'd do her. ;-)

AND...I really effin' HATE those "My child is an honor student..." stickers...grrr.

the weirdgirl said...

Number 6 - I'm pretty sure this is called childbirth.

Number 3 - Free Brazilians? Hot diggity! I need to go steal someone's spot!

:P fuzzbox said...

jane: Sorry about the roadway spot of #8. They are everywhere.

keshi: Thank you :) What would you do about those jokers?

april: Those stickers are irratating. I have seen the anti-stickers though that say, 'My kid can beat up your honor student.'

weirdgirl: It is as I feared. The fetishists will have a heyday with the punishments ;)

guerrilla blogger said...

i like the way you think.....

:P fuzzbox said...

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Rocky said...

Ha! Loved the post, Fuzz. Very impressive list and fitting punishments. I think if there is a repeat offender in the bunch, their new punishment should be getting strapped to a chair directly behind the person's ass that is glued shut, but will soon have a chili eruption.

:P fuzzbox said...

That should cure recitivism. After one follow up with that, I doubt that there would be a need for a three strike law.

Jamie Dawn said...

I had to read a few posts to get a taste of your blog style & content. You're a funny guy.
I know some people I'd like to send to the whipping post. Gosh, what a great concept!
Thanks for visiting my blog.

:P fuzzbox said...

Thanks jamie dawn, I appreciate it. Though I hope the taste didn't leave a foul taste in your mouth.

Sugardaddy said...

if you are standing in line at McD's (or any fast food place) for 10 minutes and when the kid asks the guy in front of you what he wants and he hesitates and looks at the menu he should have to bob for his owns fries.

:P fuzzbox said...

You are absolutely correct. The same punishment should await those boneheads who when asked, 'Would you like to supersize that.' Agonize like it is a question of monumental importance. Like it takes five minutes to debate internally whether you are hungry or if you are to fat to get some extra fries.