Thursday, March 16, 2006
What I Would Do
If you were God or George 'Dubya' Bush and could pass any law or rule that you could; What would you do? I know exactly what I would do. In fact, I could write a list a mile long if I were able to enact any law or regulation that all citizens would have to follow to make this a more perfect society. So in order to keep this post as brief as possible, I will only give a few of 'Fuzz's Fundamental Code of Conduct: Road Rules.'
Before starting the list of a few rules, I thought that I would give a brief overview of my idea of punishment. I feel that punishment should not have been taken out of the public arena and placed out of sight behind bars. That not only took away a cheap form of entertainment but also took away a good way to encourage people to stay on the right side of the law. Therefore all punishments will be given in a public arena. A large whipping post will be erected in the parking lots of all Wal-Marts. Wal-Mart has grown in recent years to become the hub of all human existence so it would make a convenient location to get the greatest number of the viewing populace. In addition to public viewings of punishments, pictures should be taken of all proceeds and these pictures put on the containers of Happy Meals at McDonald's and on Kid's Meals at all fast food establishments in order to reach the youth and keep them on the right track.
Now on with the list:
1) If you cruise down the highway for over three miles with your blinker on giving the illusion of going around the world to the left then you will be taken to the whipping post and given twenty lashes.
2) If you bust your ass to cut someone off in traffic and then slow down to twenty miles below the speed limit then you will be tied to the whipping post and given a Tobasco enema.
3) If you knowingly steal a parking space from someone who has been waiting for some douchebag to pull out of a spot in a Wal-Mart parking lot then you will be tied to the whipping post and given a Brazilian Bikini Wax.
4) If you run a red light while yaking on a cell phone then you will be tied to the whipping post and have your butt cheeks superglued together and force fed ranch style beans and Hormel Chili until the pent up gas rips your superglued butt cheeks apart.
5) If you have the super bright Halogen Bulbs and insist on bright lighting oncoming traffic then you will be tied to the whipping post and given a cavity search by Shaquille O'Neal.
6) People that drive too slow in the fast lane will be tied to the whipping post and slathered in menstrual fluid.
7) People that have one of those 'My child is an Honor Student' bumper stickers on their car will be tied to the whipping post and forced to listen to the Local Elementary's School kazoo recital of 'Three Blind Mice' until their ears bleed.
8) People that speed up to maximum velocity and pass other motorists just so they can slam on their brakes and turn into a driveway will be tied to the whipping post and have their private parts attacked by angry squirrels.
If the violator has a Jesus Fish attached to their bumper then they will also receive a high colonic as such a hypocrite must also be full of shit and needs to be relieved of this extra burden.
If all the rules enforcers look like this officer then I will be easy to pick out on the highway. I will be the guy going around the world to the left.