Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Crunch Time/ Update on Chupacabra

I like infomercials. It is an affliction I suppose. I never buy the crap that they are shelling out. For me, they are simple mindless entertainment of a special kind that allows me to turn off the stresses of the day. The thing that amazes me the most about them is how they can find such a plethora of down on their luck actors. How these actors can sit there and smile gracefully while stooping so low is a wonder in and of itself.

My favorite infomercial came out about 10 years ago and featured a barbeque grill that ran off newspaper. This is the most tempted that I have ever been to actually buy some of their crap. I caught myself reaching for the phone on countless occasions but alas I never bought one. It is kind of sad thinking that I will never know the taste of a brisket flavored with the news of the day.

Last night while watching a little boob tube, I came across an infomercial for Cross Crunch. It is a ab exercising device that can be yours for only two payments of $29.99, but wait they will make one payment for you. So it can be yours for under 30 bucks plus shipping and handling but wait. They will also send you another Cross Crunch for free, if you call in the next thirty seconds.

Why do you need two? You can use only one at a time. Maybe you could send one to a family member or friend. Nothing says 'Luv ya fatass" like the gift of exercise equipment. If I wait long enough, I might be able to pick up a couple at Walgreen's. They have a whole aisle dedicated to 'Seen on TV' crap. Can't wait to spread some of that 'Luv ya FatAss' luv come Christmastime. But knowing my luck, I will receive this damn thing come Christmastime. It will be added to my collection of received Info-crap, which includes a onion blossom maker, a deer whistle, a coin sorter, and heated socks. And no Crazy Dan, these are not gift ideas.

*************************

Update on Chupacabra Story

For the actual report of the Chupacabra incident in my Sunday Posting. Click Here. It is about midway down the page and is titled, 'Flesh Colored Creature Spotted Near Dickens, Texas---Chupacabra.' Be sure and click on the Bigfoot spotted in Dickens County link at the start of this story while over there. My hunting trip is going to kick ass this weekend. Hell who knows I might even be able to set up guided hunts. I am soo freakin' stoked!!!

As a little background into the story this is the same woman that reported seeing a UFO land in the yard of the correctional facility a few years back when she was working the tower as a night shift guard. So she is a certified UFO watcher or some other type of certifacation.

32 comments:

Curare_Z said...

My favorites are the weight loss ones where the people cry about how great it is to be in touch with their skinny selves. And any infomercial involved Chuck Norris just rocks.

But, it is not just down and out actors do these. Sometimes their just down: I saw P. Diddy (or whatever he is going by these days) and Jessica Simpson both on the same informercial for Proactiv.

Mimi said...

I love watching infomercials too. I don't know why. My sis in law bought me the Showtimes Rotisseire Oven. Never used it. A part was missing from the box and they wanted $35 to send me a new one!

Ranea said...

The have received info-crap gifts too.I got the bedazzler so I could put fake rinestone on my clothes and head to Dolly Wood I guess.And I got the flowbee. Now these are useless. I think I still have them in the boxes somewhere. You can't even regift something like those.

ozymandiaz said...

I'll have to differ with you here Fuzz as I can't stand those crapomercials, especially the ones where they holler at you like they are so fucking excited that you may actually buy some of the craptacular products they nearly jump out of their skin (which, conversely, I would watch). As for gift ideas, though, how about the one in the pic you have, that looks like the gift that keeps on giving...
By the way, your word verification for me is "FUBAR". No shit.

:P fuzzbox said...

cz: Chuck Norris is the King of the infomercial second only to Ron Popeil in his mastery of the art form.

mimi: Maybe that is why they make one payment for you. Bastards.

ranea: You wouldn't regift would you. I hope you dont send me that bedazzler.

ozy: They aren't for everybody, I suppose. The girl in the picture is Alicia from Survivor: Australia and Survivor: All Stars. I could think of no other celebraty that better exemplifies great abs.
Fubar, huh, those word verifacation people are weird. I had taken word verifacation out and it was doing fine until this weekend. A spambot hit hard everytime I deleted the message it would double after I had four on my screen I had enough and added word verifacation back. My apologies to everyone for these goofy letters.

kornfedrednek said...

hey fuzz
someone needs to start a blog
having people list all the crapola they have gotten suckered for, and tell me if it works. hehe
All the girls from work used to pitch in and buy the Walgreen seen on tv crap. For a few bucks a piece we all got to take it home and try it. The egg peeler thingy was a favorite. Never could get it to work. how bout the thigh master and suzanne summers?
My honey likes the one with lady jumpin on the matress, and the wine doesn't spill. He wants the lady and I want the wine. screw the matress :)

Sherri said...

I like a new one that just came out for seaweed. Swear to God! Some guy sits there with a shit eating grin talking about how eating seaweed has improved his life for the past 20 years.

It apparently makes you regular, improves your sex life, thickens your hair, and brings you out of depression. LOL!

kornfedrednek said...

sorry,
mattress

Ranea said...

Hey Fuzz, if you want the bedazzler,it's in the mail today!! You could bedazzle Elvis jumpsuits for you and the Vinyl Vagina!! Ya'll would look great!!:)

:P fuzzbox said...

kfrednek: I like the infomercial about the mattress myself. But I wonder if it sends the wrong message to our youth. They will try this on their own and spill wine. Promoting spilled wine is a bad thing to get into since it is just plain alcohol abuse. And don't worry about spelling. Mine can get pretty bad in the comment section since I don't have the luxury of spell check on them.

sherri: If seaweed can do all that I need to get a wheelbarrow load of the stuff.

ranea: I'm looking for a few good people to start up the band. You looking for a new gig.

Ranea said...

Fuzz count me in,but I want to be like that guy in Offspring. Just dancing around,not actually playing anything. I don't really want to work to be a rockstar.:)

Perplexio said...

It's only a matter of time before a religion/cult arises of people who religiously watch infomercials. Ron Popeil will be their Lord & Savior, all of their meals will be made using his various kitchen gadgets, at night they will sleep on buckwheat husk pillows, they will exercise using Thighmasters and Gazelles, and they will clean their homes laundry and dishes with OxyClean products....

It's just a matter of time... mark my words.

Ben Heller said...

Whatever happened to the little body builder guy with the pony tail who was tripping through his commercial. Tony Small ?. I used to piss myself at him. What a hilarious man. He HAD to be on drugs.

:P fuzzbox said...

ranea: That guy has one hell of a gig doesn't he.

perplexio: If you hear of one starting up it would be good to get on the ground floor. They are the last ones to drink the kool-aid.

ben: Tony Little was his name. And he is in a new Geico commercial. And I am guessing Crystal Meth. Noone is that damned bouncy.

Green Eyes said...

Ranea got a rhinestone machine???

That is so damn funny, lmao. I'd go around trying to rhinestone everything! Could come in useful for a Halloween costume!

Jim said...

and, when whatever it was arrives, you know the UPS guy knows what it is and thinks "sucker"

April said...

Infomercials?? Bleaghh...I will tell you I can't stand them but am usually drawn in to one or two.

I absolutely HATE the exercise ones with the blonde guy with the pony tail. Grrr...

siren said...

Stupid blogger...ate my first comment. I'll try again:

My mother bought an Eggstractor last year, figured out it does't work, and has been trying to give it to my sister-in-law ever since. I keep telling her that would be insulting :)

And Chuck Norris used to have a line of jeans out...Chuck Norris Kickin' Jeans. They had some sore of elastic/spandex crotch - I guess if you needed to whoop ass Texas Ranger style.

siren said...

Oops...that's "sort",not "sore". Hate to use sore in the same sentence as crotch.

Sorry.

jane said...

Heated socks? I think those sound cool! I wonder if they make heated bras. Now wouldn't that be steamin'? I gave Tarzan a coin sorter, but I didnt see it on T.V. and he does take rolls of coins to the bank. Do you think it was cheesy? Cuz no, he really doesn't use it. *sigh*

And onion blossom maker sounds kinda cool too. A deer whistle? Do they run to you when you whistle? Keep it away from Cheney!

:P fuzzbox said...

green eyes: I think that the first thing that I would bedazzle would be my drawers. I doubt that Angry Joyce could resist my bedazzled drawers.

jim: Yeah, the UPS guys probably get a good laugh at the expense of all the suckers buying this crap.

siren: Thats just what I need for the chupacabra hunt. Some ass kickin' britches. We don't take off for spelling so don't worry about it.

jane: Deer whistles are installed to the hood of your vehicle to keep deer from running out in the road so you won't hit them. In all actuallity the deer freezes when he hears the whistle. So if the deer is in the road he will freeze there. Kind of a damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of situation.

Green Eyes said...

Fuzz, flashy drawers, eh? I'm sure Joyce wouldn't be able to resist that! Turn on the strobe lights and start twinkling!

Perplexio said...

Fuzz: This is unrelated but I just noticed on the cover of Bust magazine there's a picture of Betty Page. In the magazine there's an interview with Gretchen Mol about what it was like to portray Betty in the biopic she recently starred in.

Oh, and if you're not familiar with Bust (and until the Betty Page cover jumped out at me, I wasn't really familiar with it myself) it's the "Magazine for Women with something to get off their chest." ;-) Now that's the kind of women's magazine I wouldn't mind if my wife left laying around. ;-)

Ranea said...

I read your link on the Chupacabra siting. That Diane is just two kinds of crazy!! They actually let her work at a prison? That's scary:O

The Phoenix said...

If you see a Chupacabra, just remember to wound it - don't kill it. We need it alive.

Also, Chupacabra's don't speak Spanish. They speak Puerto Rican ;)

:P fuzzbox said...

green eyes: It will be a sight to behold.

perplexio: Thanks for the update on the Betty Page movie. I appreciate it. I will try to get this mag. Sounds like some good stuff.

ranea: She even had access to weapons. That is really scary.

phoenix: By the sound of the reports, I'm liable to bag not only some chupacabras but some Bigfoots, and a passel of aliens. Damn I'm ready for this hunting expedition.

Crazy Dan said...

INstead of getting a ttto I am just going to bedazzle things into my skin. By the way that crazy bitch used to watch everyone through the scope in the rifle. Pretty scary thought isnt it.

Keshi said...

** 'Luv ya FatAss'

lol Fuzz!


Keshi.

The Phoenix said...

Bigfoot, Chupa, and aliens...OH MY!

:P fuzzbox said...

crazy dan: I wonder how hard it would be to actually fail their phsych test out there.

keshi: Thanks. Just trying to spread the luv.

phoenix: It's shaping up to be an expedition of a lifetime.

Jamie Dawn said...

If anoyone has the free Crunch Ab Thingie just sitting around, please send it to me. I'll use it a few times and then let it collect dust in my garage.

Infomercials make everything sound so wonderful. If I watch them, I feel like I can't live without their product.

:P fuzzbox said...

jamie dawn: You could always Oxy-Clean it when it got too dusty.