Monday, March 20, 2006

One Last Night And The Morning After


I know that it may be hard to imagine, but I was not always the sensitive, clean thinking and clean living poster child for political correctness that you have come to know ;)

Years ago on my last night of bachelorhood, my bachelor party was held at a Gentleman's Club. My friends took me out for one last time as a free man to the one place on earth where a man can glory in the excesses of being a man. There I went through the age old rite of passage known as the hay ride. For those not familiar with this event or might call it a different name, let me explain what a hay ride entails. I was led to the stage and my shirt removed, then I was seated in a chair and told to sit on my hands. After this was accomplished, six gorgeous strippers proceeded to give me a lapdance to remember for a lifetime. While distracted by the other dancers, each of them took turns writing upon my torso such gems as Eat me raw, Ride me hard, Fuck me like an animal, and Sasha was here. Upon arriving home, my bride-to-be (who was not in attendance for the festivities) led me to the darkened bedroom where we proceeded to spend a night of intense love making.

I awakened early and went to take shower and wash off the messages. The markings were done in black permanent marker but with the aid of Lava Soap and a lot of scrubbing, I had managed to remove all traces of these writings from my chest and abdomen. That is when my sweet bride-to-be entered the bathroom and climbed into the shower. For the first time, I witnessed the fury of the woman that I have come to know as Angry Joyce. She, not so tenderly, scrubbed all pornographic images from my back along with the first two layers of skin.

The wedding went along without a hitch but she has never let me forget just how big an ass that I am. She has also been handy about explaining to me on a moments notice just how thankful I should be for having such a sweet woman who would clean up my body from the filth that as a single man I wallowed in.

To find out what led me to relate this bit of personal trivia, head over to Siren's, Beauty vs. The Beast. While posting the responses of my bro, Big D and my lovely and multi-talented blogfriend Ranea, I was reminded of this story. I also made the mistake of mentioning it to Angry Joyce but no worries; I was able to dodge all of the heavier objects thrown my way. You would think that after nearly 11 years she would have got over it. But no such luck. So do yourself a favor and go check it out. They both did a great job and I would appreciate you letting them know what you think.

I would also like to express my appreciation to Big D for designing a new template in such a short time. I may be partial, since he built this template and he is my bro, but I think that Big D has built some of best templates out there. He also has a post up explaining his design concepts when building the template. I think that all his worries are unfounded. If you have any suggestions on the template please leave a comment on his post.

35 comments:

Curare_Z said...

Next time have them write it in chocolate Fuzz. Then you a simple shower will do. :-)

Ruben said...

Wow! I really am struck speechless by this one.

Ben Heller said...

My best friend had his pubes shaved off on stage by 3 strippers. I'll never know how he explained that one.

michaelm said...

Fuzz-
Got this in my email and thought of you when I read this post.
Sorry about the caps, I cut and pasted. I'm a lazy bastard sometimes...especially, Monday mornings.

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT
HIM AND SAY HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS
HER FROM.
SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?".
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE
FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS
"MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON
THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS
WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

Mimi said...

Same thing was done to my hubby! They wrote on his tshirt but it still went through to the skin. I did not care at all.I was more worried about my hubby puking a internal organ as sick as he was. Besides they were in WV, which is not known for hot strippers anyway,LOL!
I am glad you survived that shower Fuzz! Have you ever had the courage to get in the shower with her again after that scrub down? LOL!

Big D said...

Angry Joyce forget you were kidding yourself.

Thanks for the compliments

The Phoenix said...

Permanent marker on your skin is one thing, but pubes? Ben, sounds pretty crazy over there across the pond.

ozymandiaz said...

Ah, good 'ol honesty
Produces such results
Pehaps the best policy
Just not for adults
For there is one sure way
To really screw things up
For if the struth you say
And your not a virgin pup
She'll be as pissed as Hell
No matter how far in the past
So before a story you tell
You best think about your ass

:P fuzzbox said...

cz: I luv me sum chocolate too :P

ruben: Surely not.

ben: That is way cool. I have to go to one of those overseas strip clubs.

michael: Thanks. That is why I try to stay away from salad bars.

mimi: On many occasions, I have more balls than brains. I guess that shows though, huh.

big d: You are very welcome sir!

phoenix: Don't those club's sound cool!!!

ozy: A woman's memory is a very long and dangerous beast.

Green Eyes said...

I can't believe you didn't remove the evidence before you got home! Weren't you supposed to have a best man there to protect your back?

Live and learn.

(gotta love Joyce!)

Bruce said...

A woman's memory is a very long and dangerous beast.

Ain't that the truth....(he says as he runs for cover)

Vic said...

Yeah, theh chocolate sounds good to me. Course, another option is to send Angry Joyce and her lady friends out for their own night of pleasure...

guerrilla blogger said...

out of the many many many strip joints i have been to, thankfully i was never brought up on stage, and honestly, i don't think i missed anything. but it all seemed to go well for you, until the shower part...interesting facet of the diamond that is you...

Ranea said...

I am with Vic. Maybe if Angry Joyce had a crazy night out she wouldn't be so angry about your bachelor party.:)

:P fuzzbox said...

green eyes: I always thought that it was the best man's job on a bachelor party to try to put the groom to the test to see if he can handle marraige.

bruce: Duck and Dodge. Those pe classes with the dodgeball pay off afterall.

vic: I have tried to tell her that but she would rather gripe about my shenanigans I suppose.

gb: It was a blast. I don't know if I would say diamond maybe a lump of coal with a strange luster.

ranea: You are right she should get out and come home at 6:00 in the morning like you reported on your site awhile back. She should go out for something more exciting than painting even though you made it sound like fun.

Perplexio said...

I was "kidnapped" on a Thursday evening. My best man and a couple other friends took me to Vegas for my bachelor party.

On Friday night they took me to the Glitter Gulch and treated me to a couple of lap dances from a beautiful vixen of a lass.

I have an awesome wife, because she was in on the whole surprise leading up to my "kidnapping" and subsequent trip to Vegas.

April said...

oh, my...I'm with Green Eyes. I can't believe you still had the evidence there for her to see!

I'd have taken off more than the top two layers...

after I'd gotten through taking photos and laughing my ass off at ya!

David Amulet said...

Count yourself lucky that they wrote on you with markers instead of inking tattoos on you.

Now THAT would have made Joyce very, very angry.

-- david

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: She sounds like a keeper.

april: Joyce will appreciate the support ;p

david: But wanted 'Ride Me Hard' look good as a tribal tat.

SXYMMA said...

HAHAHA that's funny...what's even funnier is that all of those images were there during your "night of intense love making" LOL

siren said...

Fuzz - at least you didn't cross the line with the strippers...Angry Joyce may have stripped off something more precious than your skin ;)

Keshi said...

hahaha the things they do at bachelor parties!

My cousin bro was tied to some pole and some stripper showed him stuff that he can never forget...thats what he told me lol!

Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

sxymma: I am afraid Angry Joyce didn't have quite the same sense of humor. I noticed that you were from Amarillo. Heard y'all were getting some snow. I know your area needs moisture also.

siren: Soo true.

keshi: He just doesn't want to. Would be my bet ;)

Johnny Wadd said...

Never heard it called the "hay ride" however i have been responsible for sending many a men back to their finance and impending doom. I always have a marker handy for the rippers.

cleveland said...

ahhhhhhh memories i use to hang out a strip club called the harem it was an all nude club and the strippers there were actully nice looking which brings to mind this one stripper that could blow out a lit piece of notebook not using her mouth oh yess memories good post fuzz

the weirdgirl said...

I never got worked up over strip clubs. If my husband had been going regularly, that's one thing. But for bachelor parties and the occasional business trip, I really didn't care. Plus it made for some great stories! (And even a little karmic justice.)

For example, at my husband's bachelor party his brother took a bunch of the guys to Reno for the weekend. There, among other adventures, my husband ended up getting locked in a cage with his arms handcuffed above him and whipped by a stripper. Except the "whipping" wasn't just for show. She belted him some good!

Bwa ha ha!!

Big Ben said...

I can't wait till my bachelor party.

angel, jr. said...

My buddy got something done to him under a blanket while seated on stage, but three different women to the song "Don't Want No Short Short Man".

Keshi said...

**He just doesn't want to. Would be my bet

u may well be quite right abt that :)

Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

mic: You are the consummate professional. For all you do thanks from the rest of us guys.

cleveland: Talent should be applauded wherever it is found.

big ben: Have a great one!!!

angel jr: That was just wrong. Funny but wrong.

keshi: I just have a sense for these things.

Anelize said...

Sounds like you had a whole lot more fun than my husband did. His "boys" took him out for a night, and one of them actually had the balls (or not), to stop by his girlfriends house midway through the night and pick her up. She was, apparrently, having a fit because he was out without her. Henpecked does not begin to describe it. My husband was pissed, and bagged the whole night because the girlfriend brough friends. It turned into a girls night out.

Pitiful, huh?

:P fuzzbox said...

That is one of the saddest stories that I have ever heard regarding a bachelor party. I bet he was fit to be tied.

Keshi said...

aha aha...:)

Keshi.

Breezy said...

women never forget something they can hold a grudge for...just ask dan, i'm sure he can tell you a few things he wishes he had never said, maybe the first thing he ever told me, man he really know's how to get to a girl's heart...

ella m. said...

If i were Joyce I would've died laughing that you somehow managed to forget you had doodles on your back as well, no skin layer removal required.