Monday, March 06, 2006

Birth Control Baby

My daughter's homework assignment for home-ec was the care of one of those birth control babies for the weekend. The stated goal of this exercise was to teach teens that being a care giver to an infant isn't just fun and games with a cutesy little baby. I wager it is just teachers trying to get back at parents by sending home a noise making toy. It is not much different than the role of grandparents when they buy ear splitting, mind numbing toys and send them back to your house with the grandkids.

Saturday morning, she was complaining that the doll was supposed to be programmed to cry every four hours but that it had cried about every hour and a half. There are little keys that must be inserted to stop the doll from crying. One marked diaper change, one marked feeding, one marked burping, and one marked attention. She complained that no matter which keys she used sometimes the baby wouldn't stop crying. I told her that pretty much summed up a real baby. It wasn't all crying though for when it was content, the doll would softly coo.

Maybe this exercise does some good but I don't think that it goes far enough in being an effective deterrent to teenage pregnancy. So I have a list of improvements to the process.

1) Pre-Baby:

Having the cute little doll right off the bat eliminates an important lesson: Pregnancy Sucks. The teens should be made to wear an empathy belly at school for an entire six weeks grading period. During this phase of the exercise, they should be given fluid pills in the morning and forced to drink a dozen glasses of water. Points could be deducted for any accident.

During this phase, the teens should be hynotyzed into craving strange foods and food combinations. (Sardine Milkshake, anyone?) Points could be deducted for any excessive weight gain.

2) Birth Control Baby Updated:

The little keys are too easy. Sure they cry until you hit the right combinations of keys but what about the messy aftereffects of what the keys symbolize. The doll should be able to be fed some substance that will immediately start curdling as soon as it is ingested. That way when it is burped it will do anything from a light spotting of spit up to projectile hurling like the Exorcist Child. And you never know what it will be.

Diaper Changing by a little key is a big cop out. Whatever substance you feed in and doesn't come back up at you should be deposited in a diaper. Furthermore something inside the doll should chemically alter the odor of the diapers content. It should have a smell that would knock a maggot off of a gut wagon.

The volume is not near loud enough. (Which I am thankful for.) But nevertheless, it should be cranked up to the sound of a low-riding thumper car blasting rap music at four in the morning.

One weekend is not near long enough to understand the sleep deprivation that taking care of a new born. It takes at least a week for the bags under the eyes to set in. One week should be a sufficient time to understand how tired a person can get of hearing a baby cry all through the night. Especially if one out of every three birth control babies are programmed to have colic.

If all this doesn't teach them safe sex then they can watch my demon spawn for a week. That should cure them of sex altogether.


ella m. said...

Let's not forget random spit up and leaky diapers and the fact that very small infants think you've disappeared forever if you place them in someone else's arms and leave the room for two seconds.~ cue pratice baby to start wailing like a fire alarm~

Tai said...

Gosh, I think I'm really glad I don't have one of those 'baby' things you describe!

Green Eyes said...

You daughter isn't the only one who realized they weren't ready, hmmm? No Granddad status for you for the next 20 years? lol

Vic said...

Hey, what about not being able to walk right for weeks after birthing the 9lb "bundle o joy" and nipples that are so raw from being a milking machine that you can't even stand to let the water hit you in the shower - that is if you even have time for a shower. Shall I continue?

Ranea said...

They also should program those dolls to get their days and nights mixed up. And how about giving these teens a toddler stapped to their leg along with a newborn.:)

jane said...

What the school is doing is a good start. What you've suggested is EXCELLENT.
1 suggestion: Give them these little babies during the week when they have to wake up & attend school. Then let them try & learn while consoling their plastic spawns.

April said...

What you've suggested is indeed excellent. Teenagers NEED to know what will happen if they get pregnant, that babies aren't all love & sunshine.

:P fuzzbox said...

ella: I didn't think about the abandonment factor. Nice addition.

tai: It's a sickness.

green eyes: Sad to say but one of my older stepdaughters will make me one in only two more months. Damnit!!!

vic: No please stop before I have to hear about stretch marks or epesiotimies.

ranea: Also some good additions. Nothing like toting around a new born and a crumb cruncher.

jane: Or pay for day care while they are at school.

april: You are correct. It isn't all love and sunshine. It is also a lot of need and hard work.

Mimi said...

Your suggestions are great! I never had to do that in school.It still would not have prepared me for the diapers my son has been making lately! ICK!
Love your blog!!!:)

Big D said...

I think you need help. It's definitley time for the titty bar!

phred said...

Also..they should have to pack and tote a 20# '' diaper bag '' every time they leave the house.
Automobile must be equipted with an approved child car seat. Weight .. 15-18 #`s. (Takes an act of Congress to change from one vehicle to another.)
Baby should be programmed to become deathly ill no earlier than 10 pm on Friday night.
Bonus points would be given if mother was able to deal with any discharge of stinky body fluid in a public place.
Shaking, cursing, or screaming at the baby would be recorded and test results would reflect failure.

Vic said...

Neither, thank you very much. And with the help of Kegels everything is just a snug as when I was 16 - okay, maybe 20, but who's counting.

:P fuzzbox said...

mimi: Thanks for dropping by. Saw on your sight that it wasn't pronounced me me so is it pronounced my my?

big d: But I did it just for you :(
Just wait the next post will be right up your alley.

phred: Nice additions. Hysterical fits against the world at large should be recorded. It would make for a nice Mommies Gone Ballistic Video.

Vic: That Kegal guy never gets enough credit for his contributions to the world. Since August has no holidays. I propose that August the 14th be proclaimed 'Kegal Appreciation Day.' It would make for some cool parades.

whoami929 said...

I completely agree. It should also be during a very important teen weekend, like the prom. So they know what it's like to not be able to do what they want because you have a kid. Also, someone should give them money, like $1000 and then take it away from them. You know like the employer to parent to child financial relationship.

By the way, I used to be on your blogroll but I'm not anymore. Was it something I said?

Keshi said...

lol excellent suggestion there Fuzz! Now that u laid it all out here, Im afraid I dun ever wanna be preggie...Sardine Milkshake? YUIIIIIIIIIIIIIKZZZ!


:P fuzzbox said...

who: It must have been an oversight when I was updating my blogroll. Sorry about that. Nice to hear from you. It has been awhile since I have heard from you. And yes the financial side definantly needs to be addressed. Might as well just cut holes in their pockets. It is about the same difference.

keshi: It isn't all bad. There are those moments when they are asleep.

Mimi said...

Haven't gotten the MY before!:)
MIM like in mimic, MIM-E.I think I am gonna put that in my profile cause I get alot of teasing and questions! Thanks for stopping by and your comment! :) I like your blog and will add you to my links if you dont mind.

The Phoenix said...

When I was a high school teacher, I dreaded that assignment. In every class, I usually had about four or five students with this computer baby.

One class, one baby started crying...then another...then was like a domino effect.

Here I was trying to teach, and these babies started crying. The kids frantically used their keys, and most were successful. But there was always that one baby that wouldn't stop.

Back in the day, they made us carry a freaking egg around. That was so much easier.

angel, jr. said...

They've come a long way. When I was in high school, we had to carry around an egg-with the teacher's signature.

phred said...

Equipted ???? Brain fart .
I must start checking my spelling. Will you be counting off for spelling ?

Shay said...

I agree!!

These things should be harder!

Also - the sex education should be better. Did you know that studies show that the more kids are educated about sex the longer they will wait for their first sexual experience!

Laurie said...

LOL - I totally agree with you!

And I have a 3yr old that I'd be willing to loan out, too...

:P fuzzbox said...

mimi: I got you added :)

phoenix: I have seen a sack of flour used also. Less disruptive. But not near as effective.

angel jr.: Signature egg. Cool.

phred: Comment section misspellings actual imply a quick mind. You don't have time to spell correctly when your mind is racing with a response.

shay: Sex education is an area of concern. Here in the bible belt, there are way to many of the self-rightous in charge of what our children get taught.

laurie: Thanks for being there, willing to help. :)

Anelize said...

Speaking to the pregnancy "empathy belly" for six weeks...they should also have their feet wrapped up in layers and layers of something, so that they can't wear a single damn pair of shoes. I had to walk into the hospital in bare feet. My socks wouldn't even fit :(

:P fuzzbox said...

Angry Joyce said the same thing. Water retention never came to my mind. This story would have probably been better had she wrote it instead of me. Thanks for adding that.

siren said...

We never had anything like this when we were in high school. Which could explain the really high pregnancy rate :)

:P fuzzbox said...

All that can be done, should be done. The problem certainly won't fix itself.

David Amulet said...

I like the idea of making potential parents spend a week with a baby before they can have kids. Isn't it odd that's it's harder to get a dog in thhis country than have a baby?

-- david

David Amulet said...

I like the idea of making potential parents spend a week with a baby before they can have kids. Isn't it odd that's it's harder to get a dog in thhis country than have a baby?

-- david

David Amulet said...

Apparently, I also like the idea of hitting "Login and Publish" twice very quickly.

-- david

:P fuzzbox said...

Sometimes the publish button takes so long that it seems like it didn't take. I do it all the time myself. You are right though. To get a dog, you have to at least pay the pound. Our government pays people to have kids.

Sherri said...

Love the empathy belly idea. I'm quite certain, there is nothing on earth more uncomfortable then being 9 months pregnant.

I'll never forget the day my husband told me "you need to quit wearing so much black eye make up"

I wasn't wearing any makeup at all!!

:P fuzzbox said...

sherri: I didn't need an empathy belly when my wife was pregnant since I had sympathy weight gain.

Keshi said...

hehe those who sleep wake up too...


the weirdgirl said...

I missed both the computer baby and the egg assignment. But that's OK because my youngest brother was 13 years younger than me. It's no surprise I waited until my thirties to have kids. Best birth control ever!

michaelm said...

Amen, brother.
Kids have no idea. I've tried to teach my daughters that the responsibility for another life is sometimes frightening.
We talk often about it and I leave it at "people in cars cause accidents; accidents in cars, cause people."
That usually gets the point succinctly across.
Good creative stuff, Fuzz.


:P fuzzbox said...

keshi: That is so true.

weirdgirl: I know what you mean. My twin brothers were born when I was fifteen. It was a double whammy but sometimes I feel more like an uncle than a brother. But they do keep me feeling young at times.

michael: That's a good point.