Monday, March 06, 2006
Birth Control Baby
My daughter's homework assignment for home-ec was the care of one of those birth control babies for the weekend. The stated goal of this exercise was to teach teens that being a care giver to an infant isn't just fun and games with a cutesy little baby. I wager it is just teachers trying to get back at parents by sending home a noise making toy. It is not much different than the role of grandparents when they buy ear splitting, mind numbing toys and send them back to your house with the grandkids.
Saturday morning, she was complaining that the doll was supposed to be programmed to cry every four hours but that it had cried about every hour and a half. There are little keys that must be inserted to stop the doll from crying. One marked diaper change, one marked feeding, one marked burping, and one marked attention. She complained that no matter which keys she used sometimes the baby wouldn't stop crying. I told her that pretty much summed up a real baby. It wasn't all crying though for when it was content, the doll would softly coo.
Maybe this exercise does some good but I don't think that it goes far enough in being an effective deterrent to teenage pregnancy. So I have a list of improvements to the process.
Having the cute little doll right off the bat eliminates an important lesson: Pregnancy Sucks. The teens should be made to wear an empathy belly at school for an entire six weeks grading period. During this phase of the exercise, they should be given fluid pills in the morning and forced to drink a dozen glasses of water. Points could be deducted for any accident.
During this phase, the teens should be hynotyzed into craving strange foods and food combinations. (Sardine Milkshake, anyone?) Points could be deducted for any excessive weight gain.
2) Birth Control Baby Updated:
The little keys are too easy. Sure they cry until you hit the right combinations of keys but what about the messy aftereffects of what the keys symbolize. The doll should be able to be fed some substance that will immediately start curdling as soon as it is ingested. That way when it is burped it will do anything from a light spotting of spit up to projectile hurling like the Exorcist Child. And you never know what it will be.
Diaper Changing by a little key is a big cop out. Whatever substance you feed in and doesn't come back up at you should be deposited in a diaper. Furthermore something inside the doll should chemically alter the odor of the diapers content. It should have a smell that would knock a maggot off of a gut wagon.
The volume is not near loud enough. (Which I am thankful for.) But nevertheless, it should be cranked up to the sound of a low-riding thumper car blasting rap music at four in the morning.
One weekend is not near long enough to understand the sleep deprivation that taking care of a new born. It takes at least a week for the bags under the eyes to set in. One week should be a sufficient time to understand how tired a person can get of hearing a baby cry all through the night. Especially if one out of every three birth control babies are programmed to have colic.
If all this doesn't teach them safe sex then they can watch my demon spawn for a week. That should cure them of sex altogether.