Sunday, March 26, 2006

Goin' Huntin'


Friday night while working the night shift, I worked with an employee who is possibly the most gullible human being that I have ever known. It helps that he is not the sharpest tack in the posterboard but his gullibility stretches beyond even that excuse. He came up to me during the night and told me that I need to be careful while driving to work on the route that I must take. He was told that someone had reported having seen and attacked by a chupacabra.

I gave him my best blank stare and asked just what he had heard. He replied that a nine year old girl and her mother were traveling down this road and spotted a chupacabra sitting on a fencepost. As they passed it, the chupacabra jumped from the fencepost and chased the vehicle. I told him that I was sure that the whole chupacabra thing was bunk and even if there was such a thing that they have never been reported to be this far north.

Now I am not so sure. I suppose that there are strange and unexplained things in the world. Furthermore if some inbred redneck is going to be the first to actually bag a real life chupacabra then it might as well be me. ( In defence of my family, I should clarify my family tree does fork but I am a redneck.) So next weekend I am going hunting for a chupacabra.

I haven't decided on the best route to take on this little venture. At first I was thinking of staking out a place alongside of a bunch of goats at a goat ranch located along this road and disguise myself as a goat. I started thinking that this might not be the best of ideas as some drunk redneck with a goat fetish might come along and I would become entangled in my goat suit. Then I would be literally and figuratively fucked. But I have all week to plan my attack so any chupacabra in the area better watch their ass.

I am also questioning what caliber weapon it would take to bring one down. I have seen these things in a movie and damn do they look tough. I would need a large enough caliber to bring him down without damaging the meat. My dad always told me that whatever critter you killed, you better be prepared to eat it as killing should be reserved for food purposes. Although killing an occasional varmit such as a coyote is perfectly acceptable. But as chupacabra's are probably considered an endangered animal, I had better be prepared to fire up the grill and donate his bones and innards for scientific study.

Wish me luck folks. Maybe I should give The Phoenix a holler as he is more versed in these sort of things than I am. Then again his experience is with Bigfoots and I would imagine that Bigfoots probably aren't near as fierce as chupacabras. I have seen "Harry and The Henderson's" and frankly I thought Harry the Bigfoot was a big puss.

35 comments:

Laurie said...

A chupacabra?

What is that???

Laurie said...

I was first!!!!

golauriegolauriegolaurie.. LOL

Green Eyes said...

Fuzz, I wish you luck in the hunt! My boys' have a Scooby Doo book that has a chupacabra in it. lol

If Shaggy and Scooby can nab it, I have no doubts you'll be grilling by next weekend!

Vic said...

A what? I don't know, but I can promise you that 1. Hubby's got the perfect gun for you - given the looks of that damn gun cabinet and 2. My daddy will be happy to stuff the thing for you when you kill it - he's a taxidermist after all.

Oh, and when you get finished, I'd just love to take you snipe huntin'. You won't need the goat costume to get well, you know. ;-)

:P fuzzbox said...

laurie: I have added a link from the skeptics dictionary that gives a pretty good overview of the chupacabra. And congrats on first commenter status. You da shit.

green eyes: I have my scooby snacks and I should be chillin' and grillin' come this weekend.

vic: Always up for a good snipe hunt. If I see any snipes or cacooeys I plan on bagging a few of them as well.

siren said...

Best of luck with the chupacabra hunt. Based on all the interviews I've seen of the eyewitnesses, you may want to stop at the bar first to really get prepared :)

Ranea said...

Do you use B-B-Q sauce or a marinade for chupacabra?

angel, jr. said...

Oooh! That is the first I've heard of these creatures. If you do bag one, see if it tastes like chicken.

Keshi said...

**But as chupacabra's are probably considered an endangered animal, I had better be prepared to fire up the grill and donate his bones and innards for scientific study.

LOL!
Ur poor work-mate prolly has nightmares of Chupacabras every night...btw WTH r they????

Keshi.

The Phoenix said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mimi said...

I have seen things on Discovery channel etc, on those things. I hate to sound looney but I think there is some truth in the story. There are just too many unexplained and scary facts. I admit I am gullible. But just for the record I don't believe in Big Foot or Nessie!

The Phoenix said...

Chupacabra is a creature that is said to suck the blood of goats in Mexico, but reports come from all over the South West and even into South America.

I did a post on this creature, including pictures of a hunter that killed something in Texas that they thought might be Chupacabra.

Click Here

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: As any good hunter knows the key is preparation and the first key ingredient in any hunt is prodigous amounts of cold cerveza. There is a beer store not 5 miles from the goat ranch. My cooler will be stocked, I assure you. Have no fears.

ranea: As this is a southern creature, I was planning on a dry rub with lots of chili powder.

angel jr: I'm thinking that it will taste a lot like rattlesnake. A lot of people say that snake tastes like chicken but I think that it is more of a fishy taste. But I will have to see on the chupacabra.

keshi: I think a few people are looking over their shoulders. To get the definition of chupacabra just click on the link located where chupacabra is underlined in the post.

:P fuzzbox said...

mimi: There are strange and unexplained things in the world. Perhaps the aliens did leave a few stray pets around. They would probably be hard to keep caged up.

phoenix: I have seen pictures and autopsy photos. The most famous of the dead bodies was proven to be a hoax. I personnally don't take much validity in any of these accounts but you never know.

cleveland said...

hey fuzz save me a wing dude and watch out for accidental goat sodomy happy hunting

starbender said...

Nothing like a hunt---remember, It's the 'quick kill' syndrome!
Screw the BBQ~~
Bag 'em, and throw him up on e-bay!
:o

Keshi said...

oh goshh that definiton kinda made me fall off my chair...with laughing ofcourse!

Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

cleveland: That phucker better watch his ass. If I get any good videos of his antics then his fiancee is going to be pissed. And I can watch him squirm.

starbender: What do ya figgure one of them critters would bring anyway? I could use I new pick up. Maybe I could get a good trade.

keshi: It is kinda funny to think that aliens left a pet to roam around sucking goats blood. Wonder if there are any alien insects around I bet they would really be a pain.

the weirdgirl said...

Hilarious. Why don't you take a buddy and film your hunt for us? (You could even add a cheesy porno soundtrack!)

phred said...

Isn`t the Chupacarbra supposed to be a stranded alien or something ?

Be sure to watch your 6. He may still have an anal probe with him.

:P fuzzbox said...

weirdgirl: You can count on some video if I catch an inbreeder and a goat. As for the chupacabra, I still have my doubts about one being there.

phred: Actually they are supposedly an alien pet that got stranded, kinda like a puppy off the leash. At least according to some of the supposed experts. Wonder how much dope they had to smoke before they became an expert?

kornfedrednek said...

hey fuzz
do you have a chupacabra license?
do you know what season it is?
i love that daffy duck and bugs
bunny cartoon

I bet angry joyce has a life packed with excitement living with you

I admire your loyalty to her.

Happy huntin

Curare_Z said...

cervezas might not cut it Fuzz. I'd go with some tequila for pre-huntin' prep.

And if you decide not to put on that handy ol' goat suit in your closet, you can get some ground up goat meat from your local pet shop!

Let me explain...I went to buy dog food for my dog this weekend. I feed him raw meat. (That's another story). Anyway -- they had GOAT. Because I'm sure GOAT is what dogs ate in the wild. That and BISON. I can just seem my 16 lb. dog running down a BISON! HA HA.

ANYWAY -- HAPPY HUNTING.

RAVEN the PITA said...

ohmygod i was laughing through that entire post!!

My Dad lived on Bull Run Mountain in Virginia. He'd buy all these bails of hay and he'd invite all the kids to snipe hunt - and he was one lucky sumabitch! Damned if he didnt catch himself one everytime!! That brown bag would be jerkin all over the place from that rowdy snipe!!!! Those suckers are fast too - they always got away from him after! LOL

Ben Heller said...

You'd better go hunt him down Fuzz. If you need any traps or weapons etc, I've got an arsenal in my garage that I use for catching Wild Haggis that roam around my garden at night.

ozymandiaz said...

The Chupacabra is a pan dimensional being. To perceive one you must first alter your perceptional bias of reality. Peyote is the preferred method of being able to see one of these elusive creatures. Start by taking the substance in small increments and keep going till you see the little buggers. But be careful, if you take too much you'll see the little fuckers everywhere, believe you me. I've done it and the last thing you want is chupacabras crawling all over your walls...

Sherri said...

If you get one, please be sure to post a picture!! LOL

:P fuzzbox said...

kfredneck: Hell I might use that line on her next time she tells me how lucky I am to have found someone who puts up with my crazy shit.

cz: How much is goat meat going for in your neck of the woods? I used to grill up some cabrita every summer but when the price of a good eating goat went from 25 bucks to 150 bucks, I opted out.

pita: Yeah, them snipes are tricky. And greasy fast.

ben: When you grab you one of them haggisses give me a holler. I would love to throw one on the pit.

:P fuzzbox said...

ozy: Peyote huh. Haven't ate any of that stuff since I got back from the mountains on a spiritual quest with some Taos Indians. Didn't see any chupacabra's but it does expand the horizon.

sherri: If I get one I will post a picture and probably be on the front page of the Weekly World News.

Perplexio said...

And remember that the Loch Ness Monster was really Jack the Ripper! ;-)

I'm looking forward to Phoenix someday posting an entry about this mythical Chupacabra.

And fuzz, I think you're wise to avoid the goat suit idea... Because instead of getting attacked by libidnous redneck you might be attacked by a horny Star Trek fan whose idea of pillow-talk is telling you at length the differences between "trekkies" and "trekkers."

guerrilla blogger said...

bigfoots are not bad people, don't you remember when the six million dollar man made freinds with the bigfoot?..cupacabras, however, are mean hell-spawn beasts and possibly immune to mortal weapons, not sure just yet...

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: Phoenix has posted about the chupacabra. You can probably find it in his archives.

gb: Bigfoot's a puss. I have never seen a scary film with a bigfoot. But chupacabra's are a different story. Nothing is immune from mortal weopons or a good backyard grillin'.

The Phoenix said...

Bigfoot's a puss, but the Ricola guy is an absolute terror.

Chupacabras are misunderstood. They help reduce goat and chicken overpopulation in Mexico.

Keshi said...

hahahaha Fuzzy!

Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: That is why they must be hunted down. The price of cabrito is through the roof.

keshi: :)