Thursday, March 23, 2006

Goin' Soft


The local phone company where I get my internet access also offers TV. They have a lot of channels and give a good discount for using their phone service, internet service, and TV together as a package. There is one channel that I currently receive from my satellite dish that the phone company does not offer. I have been told that since Jesus is in their system then their is no room for Cinemax or as I lovingly refer to it; Skinamax.

I do not fault them for this decision. If they do not want to offer a particular channel for whatever reason then they should have the right not to. Other cable operators and satellite services are there to take up the slack in a free market economy. Just do not expect me to buy it. It is not often that I watch soft core porn on Skinamax but it is comforting to me to know that anytime I do want to watch it then it is no more than a click away on my remote control.

Here are three things that make Skinamax movies worth watching.

3) The cheesy soundtracks. Where do they find the people who write the songs that are a perfect accompaniment to simulated sex acts. Maybe they have special courses in music schools teaching the ins and outs of this unique art form.

2) Sometimes a person just wants to watch mindless entertainment with lots of gratuitous nudity. Sometimes I really don't want to watch the next coming of 'Citizen Kane'. My mind is frequently numbed to the point that I don't want to think about anything. When that happens it is nice to know that 'The Bikini Carwash Company' is there to the rescue.

1) Are they real or are they fake? I like to play a little game while watching Skinamax movies. When I first see the actresses clothed, I like to guess if their breasts are natural or if they are augmented. I am right a good deal of the time but there are always those times that surprise me and I love a good surprise.

***********************************

I sincerely hope that the phone company has room for both Jesus and me on the internet or I will be in trouble.

42 comments:

Big D said...

I know what you mean I have raised these suggestions many times along with a pv asortment of the more hardcore variety. All they seem interested in is weather and god.

mrsbeach said...

fuzz
I have to admit, I have quite a porn collection for an old lady.
This new stuff is not as good as the oldies.......might I suggest
"A Thousand and One Erotic Nights".

Everyone gets older, the picture aint as purty, but when lights are low, and the teeth come out...the lovin just gets better. haha

I enjoy reading your blog, I went to Burleson Texas about 25 years ago. Visited a family out in the boonies, the humidity darn near killed me, every time I went ouside these lizard things kept running all around, I really enjoyed the Beer Gardens. :)

Laurie said...

I used to catch my elderly mom watching Skinamax all the time when I lived at home, LOL..

RAVEN the PITA said...

My first porn experience was "Big Mama Jama" - can't beat that!!! LOL

Perplexio said...

I once conducted a telephone interview with Toto's former lead vocalist (and the son of film score composer, John Williams), Joseph Williams in which he admitted that in the years since his departure from Toto he's done a handful of film and TV scores. When he first started doing film scores it was for films of the lowest common denominator (Skinemax fodder) so he may very well have written/performed some of the scores to some mid-late 90s Skinemax fare. After he built up a bit more of a reputation he was able to "graduate" to doing TV show scores for shows like Early Edition, Roswell, and LA Doctors.

But I suppose everyone has to start somewhere and maybe if you want to be the next John Williams, John Barry, Allen Silvestri, Bill Conti, etc. etc. you might have to start out by living on Ramen noodles and writing/performing the scores for films like Vice Academy 8 or Women's Penitentary 18.

ozymandiaz said...

I'm all about #2. Gratuitous nudity is the single most important aspect of making a movie. That and all of those soft core b-movies made me believe that truly any one could make and be in a movie. I had made many a soggy sock watching cinimax late at night. Props.

kornfedrednek said...

cool blog ya got here
the games people play, are they real or not- yeah, I have played that game, but I figure if I can touch em they're real

The Phoenix said...

Soft porn is like the old Miller Lite commercials. Tastes great, with less filling.

:P fuzzbox said...

big d: And those are so polar opposite things in this part of the world since everyone refers to it as the fucking weather.

mrs beach: Humidity sucks. I live in rather the extreme dry part of the state. I have reletives that live in Center, Texas and when visiting them I feel as if I am visiting hell.

laurie: You came from good stock that is all I can say.

pita: Sure can't.

perplexio: I have always wondered about that. You are right though everyone has to start somewhere and somebody has to do it.

ozy: You are right and It gives me hope that I could write one.

cornfedredneck: They are all real. Real nice. No matter if enhanced for optimum performance or natural. Thanks for popping in. Good luck on your new site.

phoenix: Good real good.

Ranea said...

Fuzz, if your like my old man, it doesn't matter if they are fake or not. Just as long as they are nekked!

Green Eyes said...

Guilty. Enough said.

Bruce said...

Ah yes, Skinamax; the home of every bad movie ever made. The worst one I ever saw was called "Frankenhooker", and yes, the title tells the whole story. It was like a car wreck; I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

Mimi said...

When I was about 9 I went to summer camp. When I came back I screamed and balled that my mom got rid of the movie channels. She said it was cause I was wtching too many naked people on Skinamax.

siren said...

Fuzz - I play the same game! I'd like to think I'd know, having my own set and everything, but most of the time I'm saying, "Oh, THOSE can't be real."

:P fuzzbox said...

bruce: I have seen that flick. The only one that I have seen that was worse was the superhero take off of Spider Girl. It was truly without any socially redeeming value.

mimi: Sometimes it helps to start early in life on the way to enlightenment :)

siren: I am glad that I am not the only one. Maybe someone could come out with one of those DVD Games on the subject. I would definantly buy that.

:P fuzzbox said...

ranea: Can't complain about nekkid.

green eyes: I think that you should be let off with a warning :)

And I am sorry about not responding in order. Blogger was fidgeting around and I didn't catch your comments until I had already posted my responses. Beat me if you want ;)

COMMENT_POLICE said...

THE PHEONIX CANNOT RISE OUT OF THE ASHES OF THAT BOMB! BAD JOKE... ALSO LAURIE... THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU ADMIT... WE WILL ALL HAVE NIGHTMARES NOW SEEING YOUR MOM WATCHING PORN!
-COMMENT POLICE

Tina said...

The Sparkling Muskatel is from The Muppet Movie. Kermit orders it from waiter, Steve Martin. I am right?

:P fuzzbox said...

comment police: Thanks for dropping in. I am just glad that you aren't the post police.

tina: Woo Hoo!! I knew that you would get it. My hats off to a fellow appreciater of the finer things in entertainment like Muppets.

Green Eyes said...

OOOHH! I got a warning and a beat me, all in one day!

Thanks Fuzz!

Perplexio said...

fuzzbox: The little comment at the end of your post about having room for both you and Jesus reminded me that Britney Spears will be guesting on Will & Grace next month. She'll play the host of a Christian cooking show called Cruci-fixins when a Christian network takes over Jack's "OutTV" Normally Will & Grace bores me, but I might have to catch that episode, I mean who wouldn't want to watch a cooking show called "Cruci-fixins" It sounds like further proof that you can take Britney out of Louisianna but you can't take the Louisianna out of the Britney.

The Phoenix said...

I think the Comment Police needs to be jailed by the SPELLING POLICE.

It's Phoenix, you moron. Not Pheonix.

angel, jr. said...

Skinemax After Dark is some good mindless, kick your shoes off and no thinking television. Sex Games Vegas and Black Tie Nights!

Curare_Z said...

It's all about Red Shoe Diaries. I used to get embarrassed watching that show. And it didn't even have full nudity!

P.S. If you can't tell if the boobs are real, they probably are. If you know they aren't, they probably aren't. :-)

:P fuzzbox said...

green eyes: I aim to please :)

perplexio: Cruci-fixins', Sounds like Jimmy Swaggert and Justin Wilson rolled into one. Britney will do it proud. I am sure ;)

phoenix: Grammer Nazi :)

angel jr: Gotta Luv It!!!

cz: I have often wondered about nudity on these shows. They can show full frontal nudity of females provided there is no close ups but no penises. Not that I want to see one but it is censorship to say that a pecker is too pornographic compared to females body parts.

The Phoenix said...

Ya know - if the Comments Cop is gonna bust me, at least spell my name right! Sheesh...

Vic said...

You just crack me up Fuzz! See, I live so deep in the Bible belt that actual Cinemax isn't available. If hubby wants to see nekkid boobies he's stuck lookin' at mine.

phred said...

mrsbeach, ''when the lights are low and the teeth come out''
You are crackin me up !!
That`s phunny !!

ella m. said...

Have you ever seem "Playmate Of The Apes"? It my favorite sinemax flick simply for sheer weirdness and the always fun prescense of Misty Mundae.

:P fuzzbox said...

pheonix: Don't you hate it when people spell your name wrong. ROFLMAO

vic: I have seen your HNT pics. He should be pleased with that. Maybe you could reenact some scenes from The Bikini Carwash Company. It would be like watching a Skinamax film on a big screen.

phred: That was phunny.

ella: I have seen that flick. They should have awards for Skinamax movies. It would have taken the prize.

Keshi said...

never seen porn-yep, pretty embarassing :(

Funny post btw :)

Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

keshi: None whatsoever? I might quote Dr. Seuss here, 'Try it, Try it, You will see, you may like it. Just like me.'

I would start with the soft stuff at first though.

Shay said...

I'm sure Jesus wouldn't fault you for enjoyig porn.
I hear that he's very understanding and just wants us all to be nicer to each other. And what's nicer than aprisiating the beauty of god's creations having hot sweaty softcore sex (or not so softcore sex)

:P fuzzbox said...

Shay: I don't think that he would mind it a bit. He did hang out with prostitutes and wino's. This is a fact that is painted over here in the Bible Belt.

Keshi said...

well when I used to flat with my cousins, these guys used to see few things on video...and one day I walked in on them..lol..and they quickly swicthed it off cos u know Im their cousin...and they were not feeling all that comfy me walking abt :) I had a glimpse and thats abt it...some naked womn on a flight of steps...goshh she needed help lol!


Keshi.

COMMENT_POLICE said...

DAMN THOSE STUTTER-FINGERS... THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU TYPE IN THE CRUISER... AT LEAST YOU FOLKS HERE HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THIS... BUT THERE SEEMS TO BE NO SENSE ABOUT USING SMILEYS! UNLESS YOU ARE TWELVE, DON'T TYPE SMILIES... PEOPLE UNDERSTAND JOKES WITHOUT THEM!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT FROM THE 115TH PRECINCT
-THE COMMENT POLICE

COMMENT_POLICE said...

I THINK THE PHOENIX NEEDS A MYDOL...
-COMMENT POLICE

:P fuzzbox said...

keshi: I bet she got it the help too.

comment police: Thanks for the suggestion. I type smileys and winkies all the time. I am just one of those annoying type of people that laugh loud and long at my own jokes and enjoy a hearty laugh at the jokes of other. It is not that I am trying to emphasize a joke it is just denoting my own laughter whether it be at my own joke or the jokes of others. I am sorry if it bothers you but if it is any consolation it bugs the hell out of my wife when I laugh like hell at something that I have said and she doesn't think that it is all that funny. I doubt that I will stop laughing at my own jokes on the site or in my life. But your comment is duly noted.

:P fuzzbox said...

comment police: I took it all in fun. If I might make a small suggestion to you though, writing in all caps has a tendency to get on peoples nerves. It doesn't sound official. It just seems a bit pretentious.

COMMENT_POLICE said...

Sorry... didn't mean to offend you WITH MY ALL CAPS! MAKES ME STAND OUT... AND I AM PRETENTIOUS!
and, I wasn't sending that smiley coment to you... I like to piss of your commentors... that is all
-COMMENT POLICE

COMMENT_POLICE said...

RIGHT... P-H-E-O-N-I-C-K-S.... HOOKE ON PHOENIX WORKS FOR ME!
-COMMENT POLICE

Keshi said...

**I bet she got it the help too.

hmmm dunno...cos I didnt watch the whole thing :) but yeah, she wud have ;-)

Keshi.