Thursday, May 11, 2006

Goin' Batty



My son's fifth grade teacher contacted me and asked if I would help chaperone the classes field trip to Caprock Canyon State Park to witness the scores of bats fly out of an old railway tunnel that they call home. Like a boneheaded pushover, I agreed to help keep an eye on the group of fourth, fifth, and sixth graders.

So in a couple of weeks, I will be departing by school bus at 8:00 a.m. and traveling for over two hours. I plan on sitting at the back of the bus. I need to collect some straws and some paper. I would love to relive the days of my youth sitting at the back of the bus coating the drivers rearview mirror in spitwads.

Who knows, I might even enjoy myself at the park in spite of being surrounded by little demons. There is guided nature hikes and the park is the home of the Official Buffalo Herd started by Charles Goodknight. The hike to the tunnel, where the bats will fly out of at night, is two miles. Hopefully I won't have to cart out any of the munchkins, that are more use to the couch than the great outdoors. In fact, I wonder how it would go over if I rig up a chair on poles and have a horde of the spawn carry me to and from the tunnel, like a conquering Roman upon his litter.

The itinerary lists us as returning home about midnight. I think that I should pack some liquor and playing cards and teach the kids the intricacies of the game of poker for the long ride home. If I am going to be a chaperone then I should get a little bit back out of the ordeal.

I will update this post as the event draws closer and hopefully post a few pics after the adventure. Hell, this might even become a side-gig. My business card could read:

:P Fuzzbox - Chaperone For Hire: " Your personal Uncle Buck for the New Millinium "

35 comments:

phred said...

That`s almost as scary as Chupacabra hunting.
Good luck.

Big D said...

Cool get some good pics.

ozymandiaz said...

The scary thing is they would probably end up teaching you something about liquor and gambling. When I was a senior in high school (ever so many years ago) I took a stint as a chaperone/counselor at Camp Crystal (yes, THAT camp Crystal) and the chillin's were of the fifth grade variety. Several got sent home for having liquor in their possession. The really scary part was having to sleep in a cabin with about ten of the buggers. Oh my god the questions they would ask that I was totally unprepared for, it’s like they were quoting the Karma Sutra.
I've also performed bat exclusions from our courthouse and public health building.
You really spoke to me today, Fuzz.

Andie D. said...

I'd hire you in a flash to sub for me on any of my son's preschool outings. They all end up the same way: 1/2 the class falling asleep on the way home, 1/4 crying, and 1/4 spazzing the fuck out.

On the good side, most of his classmates know me now, and love to nark Ben out on everything. Oh, and they give me hugs. It's a good thing!

Vic said...

I definately recommend the liquor! I'm not much of a drinker, but school field trips neccesitate "knocking the edge off."

And what is this "nice nails" thing? I expected so much more of a reaction from you!

Green Eyes said...

I think they may end up teaching you a few things, Fuzz, but love your plan!

:P fuzzbox said...

phred: It just might be as dangerous to my sanity.

big d: I shall do my best it is a very cool place. I should have posted the Caprock link to the pics. I will remedy that this afternoon if I am able.

ozy: You are a brave man for doing the overnight thing.

andie: Pre-schoolers are cool. They are too young to realize how big of a goofball that I really am.

:P fuzzbox said...

vic: No doubt you will receive many great comments on the other attributes shown on the pic. I wanted to leave a comment that would show that I was looking at the whole picture. I am hurt that you did not appreciate my attention to the small details :(

green eyes: You are probably more right than I care to admit.

The Phoenix said...

Don't forget the porn. That's the age when they watch that goofy movie about the "birds and the bees." I think it's best to suppliment that lame film with more proper visual aides.

siren said...

You must be a glutton for punishment :) A field trip with fourth, fifth and sixth graders? With bats? I shudder at the thought.

Good call on the alcohol, it can only help.

Mimi said...

I bet you will come back with some new words and phrases for us. Throw a few spit balls for me!

Ranea said...

Fuzz you are a brave man indeed! Along with the alcohol may I suggest some tylenol! Good luck Fuzz:D

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: Those flicks are pretty lame aren't they.

siren: I take it as a personal challenge. I am always up for a challenge.

mimi: Will do! Hopefully the driver will have a bald spot giving me a target rich environment.

:P fuzzbox said...

ranea: I don't know that I would call it bravery. More like ignorance.

macho biscuit said...

:p Fuzzbox, the man who would be king...a new mini-series starring Johhny Depp as :p Fuzzbox ....sweet....

Sherri said...

Now THAT is going to be one heck of a field trip! :D

I wish they had chaperones like that when I was a kid.

:P fuzzbox said...

macho: Filmed entirely in Wonkavision and directed by Ed Wood. That would be sooo cool.

sherri: It should be a blast. But maybe I have bats in the belfry.

starbender said...

hahaaa! Fuzz U are sooo funny! I do these field trip things also. My goodness, children drive me crazy.
Do they know they might need a chaperone 4 U 2?
;]

Perplexio said...

Don't forget the stogies! And it's never too early to teach them the art of rolling their own...

:P fuzzbox said...

starbender: If they don't know beforehand, they will surely know afterwards.

perplexio: That certainly might help simmer them down a bit.

Perplexio said...

But the bus driver might get pissed off if the kids make him pull over at every convenience store because they've got the munchies AGAIN!

Whoops, those aren't stogies... ;-)

It reminds me of the ad for that delicious breakfast cereal, "Weed-eez."

jane said...

Let's see if I got this right: You're going with a shitload of 4-6 graders on a 2 hour ride, in a non-air conditioned bus & you're going to sit in the BACK of the bus???? Have you lost your friggin mind? (okay, don't answer the last one)

Have you ever been in a classroom with 4th, 5th or 6th graders? Hint: THEY STINK! They all need to wear deodrant, yet haven't come to that realization yet.
You poor, poor fool. There is only 1 way to resolve this: sit at the FRONT of the bus. That way, any of your smells & gasses that may omit from your body, will travel back to them. Not a bad idea, right. Afterall, you said you want to relive some of those childhood tricks. ;)

I hope you survive.

Perplexio said...

fuzz: Jane raises an excellent point. I suggest seeing her point and raising it with breakfast from Taco Bell. :-)

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: That reminds me. I need to pick up a bag of Chee-tos.

jane: The front of the bus? And be mistaken for a responsible adult. Not in this lifetime. But I hear your concern and will bring a can of Oust.

Catch said...

Dont get in trouble with the spitwads....lol...yo will embarass your son!!!!!

:P fuzzbox said...

Catch, I thought it was the duty of every parent to embarrass their children. Please don't tell me that I have been doing it wrong all these years.

Metal Mark said...

I used to have a full head of hair before I started working with children. Good luck.

oldfartswife said...

Good luck fuzz, I think you will enjoy it as much as the kids will!
Pat on the back for you :)

April said...

Be good to those kids, Uncle Buck...;-)

Jim said...

we all knew you would eventually go batty :)

:P fuzzbox said...

metal mark: Thanks, I will probably need it.

old farts wife: I am pretty much just a big kid so it should be a blast.

april: You know I will.

jim: And sooner rather than later.

michael said...

The itinerary lists us as returning home about midnight. I think that I should pack some liquor and playing cards and teach the kids the intricacies of the game of poker for the long ride home. If I am going to be a chaperone then I should get a little bit back out of the ordeal.
Can I come along? I like cards...and hooch...
I've done a few chaperoning gigs.
Interesting. And the kids are usually much funnier than you would think they would be (once they get used to you)
Judging from what I know of you Fuzz, the kids are in for one helluva time.
Definitely keep us posted.
Should we start calling you "Uncle Fuzz"? ;)

~Michael

:P fuzzbox said...

Uncle Fuzz; I like the sound of that.

Shay said...

Oh that sounds like it could be fun. Except for the fifth and sixth graders >.<

I volunteered as a research assistant once for a woman studying bats - it was a lot of fun but I got hundreds of moskito bites - through my jeans!

:P fuzzbox said...

Those sound like some wicked mean mosquitos.