Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I Got Shit In The Mail


Many thanks to Mel over at M80 for sending me these three action figures from The Turd Collection. They are from left to right Tough Shit, Shatman, and Jack Shit. They also came with a funny logbook describing each character.

I loved the game site that I reviewed here. And the action figures found on their on-line store as you can see are the shit.

One problem has arisen though. I want to proudly display my shit on the entertainment center in the living room. Angry Joyce just wants to purge my shit to where she doesn't have to see shit.

Therefore we came up with a compromise. I gave Big D, Shatman to add to his Superhero collection. I am keeping Tough Shit to keep by my computer and now I am giving everyone a chance to win Jack Shit as a prize in Blugstuff's first ever contest, 'Talk Shit.'

The rules of 'Talk Shit' are simple. I will give you three subjects and it will be your task to talk shit about them. You must come up with at least two lines on each subject. You may leave your entry in the comment section on this post or e-mail it to me at my e-mail address located on my sidebar. The winning entry will also be featured on next weeks FOAD Thursday, where the winner will be announced. The entry deadline is Saturday, July 22 at 11:59 p.m. CDT. The judges will be Big D, Angry Joyce, and myself.

Here are your three subjects:
1. Ice Cream
2. Baby Kitties
3. Masturbation

Didn't think that I would make it easy, did you? Remember that this is for FOAD so there will be no deductions whatsoever for crudeness, vulgarity, or just plain bad taste and you may send in multiple entries. Good luck and let the shit talking begin!!!

30 comments:

ozymandiaz said...

Let me tell you a little story of what life is like after three days of consuming pretty much nothing but beer and whiskey. I wake up with a feeling like there is a badger masturbating in my intestines. The mutha fucka is well hung and chokin the chicken like there is no tomorrow. So I, pinching my sphincter with all of my might, proceed to run like a penguin with his legs tied to the crapper. With seriously little delay, as in before my ass is even on the seat, I start shooting what could easily be described as boiling ice cream out of my ass. We're talking Rocky Road here, or that Bunny Tracks stuff, ya know, insoluble nuts and lumps. It was as if I had swallowed a string of pearls...
But the funny part, yea there is a funny part, is the sound. I swear to god I thought I sat on a baby kitten. For as loose as my ass was after all of the gurgitation it still made a squeaky little meow sound. So now I'm laughing. You ever fart while running? Ya know how it comes out in pulses? Well, imagine me on the toilet, laughing hysterically, kicking out lumpy ice cream and baby kittens like a fuckin sprinkler...
No really, if you even try to imagine that your just one sick fucker...

Mike said...

Ice Cream - You know what's shitty about Ice Cream? When it give you the runs........if you're lactose intolerant that is. I didn't used to be, and I LOVE ice cream!! Especially chocolate with multi colored sprinkles. It make it kinda look like diarrea with little pieces of corn, carrots and other stuff that never did get digested in your stomach. I still eat it, but it make the who house stink when I let one rip. Thanks Mr Softy!!

Baby Kitties - They're so cute once they get to be about 4 weeks old. Until then, they just look like a little piece of thawed turd that has been hanging out of a bear's ass all winter. The fur is all wet and stuck to their bodies, and their eyes are like pieces of left over berrys.

Masterbation - The only time that masterbation is shitty is when you are constipated. You know you can't jerk off because you're all uncomfortable from the back up of nasty processed food pushing on your ball sack from inside your body. You're still all horney, so you force it and then right after you cum, you feel like someone just kicked you in the nuts.

BTW..........that last one is not from experience, so I just want to get that out in the open right away.

angel, jr. said...

As I am not that creative, I would like to wish everyone good luck in the contest.
Too bad you can't keep the shit together, it seems like a shame to separate them--then it just becomes like diarrhea. (that just made no sense)

oldfartswife said...

hahaha-now this is da big time shit fuzz! A klondike bar for all 3 of the judges....now I gotta come up with some weally weally good shit after reading the others.
sick, sick shit...and I want that Jack Shit Guy!
While the old fart is multi tasking(reading while on the crapper) he will be able to glance over at the Jack Shit sitting beside him... if I win! haha

oldfartswife said...

It is a sick world, and Jack is a very sick guy.
The only pussy he has ever had were 3 little baby kitties he found by the dumpster.
Masterbation has been his only relief.
He would keep ice cream bars in the freezer, and when he got a boner he would place the ice cream bar right on his ballz. His manhood would go limp and all his problems were solved.
Where do you think they came up with the phrase " frosts my ballz", yep from Jack and that aint no shit!

I know I can do better than this...haha

starbender said...

Ha! What a great idea fuzz!
Well, I'll get started, and
I'll B back..........
Muwhahahahaa
:]

Perplexio said...

Here goes:

1. Ice Cream
What is it with Baskin Robbins? They're the cable TV of Ice Cream-- 31 Flavors?!?! Far too many choices!

2. Baby Kitties
Oh, you may think they look cute with all their mewing, but litter boxes are a pain in the ass to clean and those claws as they climb up and down your bare legs get to feeling like football cleats digging into your legs after awhile.

3. Masturbation
While it feels good and is a sure-fire way to score a "date" on a Saturday night, nothing beats the real thing-- besides if you do it too much there's the chafing factor... And it's a good thing I've got this braille keyboard or I wouldn't be talking shit about anything right now... Fuzz?!?! Is that you?!?! Are you still there?

Mimi said...

You should keep your turds. They would make a good and fitting decor theme for in your bathroom. Who else could say their bathroom is decorated in shit? Everyone else has seashells or some pansy shit like that.

Jenna Howard said...

I"m no good about talking shit about shit. So I'll read the comments and giggle because, man, people are so clever and shit.

:P fuzzbox said...

ozy: Great Start!

mike: I am thankful that I am not lactose intolerant.

angel,jr: It is a shame that they must be seperated but I hope that something good comes of sharing the love.

old fart's wife: It is an awe inspiring give away.

:P fuzzbox said...

starbender: I am looking forward to your entry.

mimi: It is a shame but hopefully the little turd will find a happy home.

jenna: So far there is some real doosies.

oldfartswife said...

I have shit to do tomorrow fuzz, so here is my entry...be kind

Ice Cream

All I want to know is what the hell happened to Mr. Softy?? This custard crap is NOT ice cream. The freezer burn shit on a stick that the din-a-ling guy brings around sucks.
Why do all those guys look like child molesters! FOAD to the ding-a-ling guy!!


Baby kitties

What is it with humans who treat their animals like children? People dress their baby kitties in cutesy clothes and then want me to kiss or pet the little fuckers. FOAD!!!! Fuck off and get the cat outta my face. If I want to kiss a pussy it will be a two legged one who can verbally thank me later.



Masturbation

What chaps my ass about masturbation is that some parents do not explain to their children that it is ok, and the kid goes through puberty or eternity-(ha-ha) feeling guilty about it. I think it is a parents duty to explain this to the kids (boys and girls and give a few pointers on getting the best they can out of it. Given the proper tools(similar to giving them a bicycle), I bet we would see more smiles, and less teen girls having babies. Maybe more girls would learn early on, that it is NOT better to give than to receive.
FOAD to all the phuckers that say they would never do it, but lie about it!

Green Eyes said...

Now this, is the SHIT, Fuzz! Woo Hoo!

Big Pissy said...

Jenna's comment was better than anything I could have said.

Can't wait to read all the comments that are sure to come.

After all: who doesn't want to win a piece of shit?!?!

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: This is going to be tough to judge. Thanks for the link over at your place.

old fart's wife: Cool entry.

green eyes: Woo Hoo is right. I am eagerly awaiting your entry.

big pissy: There have been some great entries but I know that you could come up with some shit.

rockyjay said...

I can't do it... no matter how hard I try, but when you're up to your nose in shit, keep your mouth shut.

So, I'm shutting up!

Catch said...

Fuzz I am simply speechless! LoL

Crazy Dan said...

I must be confused I thought the contest was just talking shit not about shit. I would also like to know how long the deadline will be I am pretty sure I can do this all week. So first entry for Crazy Dan goes like this

Kittens - I hate those furry little jizzmoppers I want to pick them up by their fucking head and swing it around like a chicken until the neck breaks and the body flys off their big heads and smashes into a wall leaving a god damn bloody mess. Then I wanna watch to see if like the chciken it will start running around without a fucking head and then for good measure and so the cops know not to fuck with me I am going to cum all over the hairy bloody pile shit.

Masterbation - You want me to talk shit about masterbation well fuck you how about I talk shit about the people that cant handle watching a guy masterbate to old episodes of the Andy Griffith Show. I mean give me a break you pile of monkey cum that show is fucking classic. If you cant handle it when I accenditial shot you in the face the bend the fuck over and I will fuck your ass until it bleeds and puss comes out. Thats what I wanted to do in the first place.

Icecream - Icecream is for pussies and if you want some real cream get the dick out your mouth and go to to the flats, take a quater with you because those crackheaded motherfuckers are not going to give you change.

Keshi said...

1.Ice Cream

I always wondered why Ice Cream cones didnt come in the shape of a u-know-wut. Nevermind I'm licking unhealthy sh#t anyways!


2.Baby Kitties

Love lil kitty-cats in mah living room. Love em as long as they dun act like genuine 'Pussy' cats!


3.Masturbation

What is it with the sh#tty electricity today? yeah this could be one way of executing 'kitties'!


Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

rocky jay: I understand. Take care.

catch: I find that hard to believe. ;)

cd: I am looking forward to all of your entries.

keshi: Woo Hoo! Thanks for the entry. I'm luvin' it!

Ranea said...

Ice Cream - Why bother to eat the shit. Why don't you just rub it on my hips and thighs!
Baby Kitties - Kittens just grow into cats that will one night wake you up fucking under your bedroom window!
Masterbation - For Christ sake get out of the fucking bathroom. Other people have need in there! And your not convincing anyone that the lotion on you night stand is for dry skin. Dry foreskin maybe!

phred said...

Ice Cream = WAY overated. Give me a bloody steak instead.

Kittens= I hate cats, always have. Cats do not know their place in the chain of command.God gave man dominion over the animals. Give a cat an order and see what happens.

Masterbation= Everybody does it, but nobody will admit it. Why ?

Laurie said...

LOL.. I had fun reading the entries!

You've got a tough crowd to pick from there, judge ;-)

:P fuzzbox said...

ranea: Cool, Thanks for the entry. You Rock.

phred: Those that say they don't are usually the ones that probably do it the most.

laurie: I know it is a toughie.

Vic said...

I don't think I know how to talk shit Fuzz. How about some sexy shit…
…Mmmmm, I love ice cream. I like rubbing it all over and then letting someone lick it off. The cold on my hot body is the perfect combination. Everything gets all wet and sticky and creamy. Vanilla is best as the color looks just like, well you know.
…And then you want me to talk about kittens? You mean cute little pussies? Well, that just hardly seems appropriate for someone like me. I mean, I have the more experienced kind. No, I think instead we should talk about the kind that’s mature and trained and well in control, while still knowing how to be playful.
…And finally, masturbation. Well, I guess it just had to cum to this. It’s a necessary evil you know, that no one wants to admit, especially the chics. I do it daily because if I don’t I’m the pissiest, nastiest bitch around. You can do it anywhere you know. My right hand is my best friend. Course, I’m also partial to my drawer full of toys, a few stiff throw pillows on the couch, the corner of my desk and the washing machine. Oh dear, I think I have to go now.

Phats said...

did i miss the contest!?

Fuck Ice Cream
Fuck kittens
Fuck masturbation, wait a minute don't fuck masturbation

I was just hoping to win by saying fuck alot, did it fucking work?

the weirdgirl said...

I'm gonna play too! I'm just still mulling over my entry also building up some nice hormone induced rage - hee hee! (Celebrating anger is so much fun.)

oldfartswife said...

contest entry

So Jerry Fartwell and Tammy May Baker are sitting side by side at their computers.
Tammy is licking on a Klondike ice cream bar with one hand and bluggin with the other.
Jerry is watching porn on his. Masturbation for dummies is the name of the movie.
Jerry is getting worked up and falls to his, crawls under the table, lifts Tammy’s skirt and chows down on her pussy. He seems to be doing a great job, because he keeping hearing sounds like little baby kitties when they are first born. Eooowww, mmmeww,ommmeww,ewww,yeowww. He stops and Tammy seems bewildered, slaps him upside his face and says hey I aint done yet! As he wipes the brown juice from his lips, he asks her what all the noise was about. She grins and says she had her some bushes baked beans last night. Jerry (wide eyed) takes off his boxers, taking great pains to make sure the skid marks are inside, and wipes his mouth.
He says I got 2 words fur ya Tammy
Guess what they were?

Get BEANO

I am a sick person, and I want Jack Shit!

starbender said...

Oh, U got u'r work cut out 4 u......
heheheeeeee......
;]

oldfartswife said...

hey fuzz
thanks for all the comments on my blog-you are something else. If I win Jack-please give him to crazy dan-turds of brother should stick together.
take care now, ya here!