Thursday, July 27, 2006

FOADT: The Winner's Circle

The judges are hopelessly deadlocked on the shit talking contest with three different choices. So the tie-breaker is up to you, here are your three finalists. And thanks to all who entered by leaving a comment or by e-mail. Remember there are no losers here. Well maybe me but that doesn't count.
*****
Old Fart's Wife

Ice Cream:All I want to know is what the hell happened to Mr. Softy?? This custard crap is NOT ice cream. The freezer burn shit on a stick that the din-a-ling guy brings around sucks.Why do all those guys look like child molesters! FOAD to the ding-a-ling guy!!

Baby kitties: What is it with humans who treat their animals like children? People dress their baby kitties in cutesy clothes and then want me to kiss or pet the little fuckers. FOAD!!!! Fuck off and get the cat outta my face. If I want to kiss a pussy it will be a two legged one who can verbally thank me later.

Masturbation: What chaps my ass about masturbation is that some parents do not explain to their children that it is ok, and the kid goes through puberty or eternity-(ha-ha) feeling guilty about it. I think it is a parents duty to explain this to the kids (boys and girls and give a few pointers on getting the best they can out of it. Given the proper tools(similar to giving them a bicycle), I bet we would see more smiles, and less teen girls having babies. Maybe more girls would learn early on, that it is NOT better to give than to receive.FOAD to all the phuckers that say they would never do it, but lie about it!

*****
Crazy Dan

Listen hear Fuzz you needle dick kitten raping cum guzzling queen if you don't start coming up with some original posts I am going to have you lick icecream out of my ass and punch you in the face while listening to Elvis's greatest hits CD.

*****
Mike

Ice Cream - You know what's shitty about Ice Cream? When it give you the runs........if you're lactose intolerant that is. I didn't used to be, and I LOVE ice cream!! Especially chocolate with multi colored sprinkles. It make it kinda look like diarrea with little pieces of corn, carrots and other stuff that never did get digested in your stomach. I still eat it, but it make the who house stink when I let one rip. Thanks Mr Softy!!

Baby Kitties - They're so cute once they get to be about 4 weeks old. Until then, they just look like a little piece of thawed turd that has been hanging out of a bear's ass all winter. The fur is all wet and stuck to their bodies, and their eyes are like pieces of left over berrys.

Masterbation - The only time that masterbation is shitty is when you are constipated. You know you can't jerk off because you're all uncomfortable from the back up of nasty processed food pushing on your ball sack from inside your body. You're still all horney, so you force it and then right after you cum, you feel like someone just kicked you in the nuts.

*****
Now a specal FOAD to Blogger. I have been unable to load a pic for this post all week and yesterday and this morning I have been unable to access any blog on blogspot until just now. So who knows if this will even publish.

For more FOAD posts click here and if you do a FOADT post remember to link back to that link and get yourself listed.

35 comments:

Leigh said...

This was a great post. I am lmao...

Have a great day.

Bruce said...

Now you know why I switched to Typepad...

My vote goes to Mike, because I can identify with everything he said.

Green Eyes said...

Oh, man! I hate making decisions!

Old Fart's Wife

Not surprised you guys couldn't agree on one winner!

starbender said...

I'm with green eyes!!!
oldfartswife!!!!
;]

Jenna Howard said...

Hmm...who to vote for...

I'd say Mike because I can identify with everything...well except his masterbation rant. Wrong equipment.

There's Dan because he threatens to make you lick ice cream out of his ass and I'd pay money to see that...

Or OFW because I loathe the dingaling guy and his dumb ass dingaling song.

Choices...choices... *closes eyes and points at monitor and lands on...* Mike.

Big Pissy said...

I vote for Mike.

The others were great too, of course, but Mike's was the best! :)

:P fuzzbox said...

Well it looks like blogger might actually run a little bit this afternoon. Thanks for the votes everyone. It is a shame that everyone can't get a free turd but that's the breaks.

BTW just to give a full disclosure on the judges choices. Big D nominated Crazy Dan, Angry Joyce nominated Mike, and I nominated Old Fart's Wife.

starbender said...

so is it a tie????
do u have 2 split the little turd
three ways???
:o

phred said...

This IS a tough one, soooo, I vote for Dan.
Because he listens to Elvis.

Catch said...

I vote for old farts wife....but they are all hysterically funny! Its hard to know who to give the shit to!

LisaBinDaCity said...

Other than that, how was your day? ;-)

Big D said...

You didn't put his first shit talking up. What's up with that, don't be a communist, man.

angel, jr. said...

Great post.

:P fuzzbox said...

Big D, I only put up the submissions that were nominated. Old farts wife had several submissions also. Since this was the one that you said was best, that is the one that I put up.

The Phoenix said...

I'm still trying to figure out the masterbation-constipation-combination.

phred said...

Phoenix..I`m with you. I don`t see the correlation.

Pixie said...

I thought about it and Old Fart's Wife just has the edge IMO

Keshi said...

haha some great ones there!

Keshi.

oldfartswife said...

I vote for crazy dan

:P fuzzbox said...

leigh: It was a great day. I hope yours went well also.

bruce: I have thought about switching platforms but this place just feels like home. Dysfunctional and all.

green eyes: It is a toughie, huh.

starbender: This one is going to go down to the wire.

jenna: Is it just me or do those songs get more irratating every year?

:P fuzzbox said...

big pissy: Thanks for the vote. All the entries were great.

phred: It's hard to vote against an Elvis reference.

catch: It is tough to pick the best shit sometimes.

lisa: Fantabulous.

angel, jr: Probably one of my best since it was others that wrote it.

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: That is a conundrum.

pixie: It did take a lot of deep thinking in the temple of contemplation for me to make a decision.

keshi: And yours was good to!!!

old fart's wife: It's good to see you back!!!

:P fuzzbox said...

I will leave the contest open until tomorrow night since blogger was down this morning.

Jenna Howard said...

Could you imagine having to listen to that soundtrack? All the time? No wonder the dingaling guys look psycho. It's the MUSIC!!!

Mike said...

Thanks to everyone that voted for me. *tear* It's just an honor to be nominated!

Phoenix - I just thought to myeslf, "why wouldn't someone want to masterbate? That's just crazy talk. Maybe when their stomach hurts". My RainMan brain just took it from there.

Jenn said...

I'm voting for Mike:

One, cause he's my husband
and
B, cause he makes me almost pee my pants with laughter on a regular basis. Which is one of the reasons I married him.

David Amulet said...

I have to vote for Crazy D. Short and to the point.

-- david

Metal Mark said...

They were all good, but I vote for Mike. It's more of how I think so I can to relate to it better.

oldfartswife said...

Good luck to Mike and Crazy Dan, may the best shit talker win!

I still want Dan to win the Jack, the three brothers and the the 3 turd guys belong together.

jane said...

I couldn't decide between 2 of the comments, so I turned to the king...no,not elvis you dumb redneck, but TARZAN! And Tarzan says the best shit talker is:
Mike's comment about the kittens

:P fuzzbox said...

After the tally of votes, I must announce a big Congratulations to Mike who has been deemed the Shit Talk Champion!!!

oldfartswife said...

congrats Mike!

Moobs said...

Bah! I came to vote for Mike and it's too late! Can he have this vote as a downpayment on the next competition

grasshopper said...

It's too late to vote, for real, but I can not resist commenting. Imagine my mortification should ayone suppose I lack opinions on these topics!
Crazy Dan's rant was ripe and vivid, but in my limited imagination too difficult to figure out physically. Was there a sequence I missed? Is he tall enough to take on another person, both ends at once?
I'm right there with FOAD on masterbation.
Mike's contribution re: onanism is interesting, if icky and esoteric.
His ice cream and kitten responses hit bull's eyes. (Sorry FOAD I prefer frozen custard to real ice cream. Eating real ice cream reminds me too much of dessert with relatives watching my every swallow. I don't eat too much and never did, but I also have never presented the daintiness they cherish so whenever anyone's eating around them. Frozen custard's an outside treat, stuffed in a cone, and I can lap it up however I want.

Mike said...

I have som many people to thank. First I'd like to thank my wife for not complaining too much about the stench the eminates from the bathroom, and my daughter for showing me that shit can come in all colors and shapes. Also, thanks to everyone who voted for me. I will display Jack Shit on my mantle along with my winning entry. I will remember this moment forever!