Vacation Lowlights

Before I moved into the office, my job on the night shift allowed me plenty of time to catch daytime boob tube. So on one of my days of vacation, I decided to catch 'The Tyra Banks Show'. I had heard about it and decided to see if it was as bad as I had heard. Oh yeah it was that bad and a rotten bag of chips.

I would say that it was Jerry Springer lite but that would be giving it too much credit. The show had all the sleaze of Jerry Springer but none of the self-effacing humor of the master of trash tv. The show actually tries to take itself seriously.

The particular episode that I caught was a story of love gone wrong. First they trotted out the wronged young man . Tyra explained that he had caught his girlfriend cheating on him by finding Poloroids of the momentous occasion. He went on to say that the two of them were trying to work things out but it was hard to regain trust. He further said that she was the first person that he had a strong connection with. Tyra went on to grill him and he admitted that wasn't the only first, as she had busted his cherry.

Next they brought on the skank that had wronged him. When questioned on how it had happened, she explained in as much detail as network smellovision allows. The details were as follows. She was meeting up with a girlfriend for a girls only campout at the lake. Her friend then got sick and she went with the other girls that she hardly knew. When dark was falling the other girls got scared and called over a group of guys. Most all of the other girls and guys partnered up and left her alone with one other girl and four guys sitting around the campfire drinking. She got a little drunk and when the other girl started kissing her, she just went with the flow. Someone broke out the camera and snapped a few shots of her performing oral sex with the other girl and some of the guys.

This is the time on Jerry Springer where the shit starts happening but this is the time on Tyra Banks where the shit starts getting boring. There was no cursing, no one got bitch slapped, no chairs were thrown, and no one even flashed their boobs. Instead Dr. Drew, the biggest spewer of pop-culture psycho-babble out there today, enlightened all with his steaming pile of drivel. He surmised that she had been involved in a relationship where things were chaotic, either being cheated on or abused. By doing this deed and leaving the poloroids for the boyfriend, she was trying to bring instability into a type of relationship that scared her.

Bullshit. They don't need Dr. Drew. What they need advice from a redneck with common sense. I don't know about the common sense part but most everyone that I know will attest to the redneck part, so here is my piece of advice on the situation.

Number One to the wronged geek, grow a set dumbass. She didn't just cheat on you, she munched a rug and blew four drunk sleazebags and left Poloroids for you to find. Leave the skank.

Number Two to the skank maybe it's time to give up your amateur status and go pro.

Number Three to Dr. Drew. Blow it out your ass, you condescending blowhard. A gutless weinee is a gutless weinie and a drunken ho is a drunken ho.

Number Four to Tyra. You are a model not a social worker get over it.

And Lastly Number Five does any of you bungholes on this show have any copies of those Poloroids.