Friday, November 11, 2005

Another Black Mark

I escorted my wife to a funeral this afternoon. The father of her half-brothers passed away and we went to pay our respects. We took our seats on the last pew, some pews behind the family. The service started as most services with the congregation joining in a couple of hymns. Afterwards two of his step-daughters gave a eulogy. A wizened old woman shrunk from age approached the podium and I asssumed that she was going to say a few words of eulogy for the departed but then the hillbilly gospel music started up.

I knew then that I should not just leave but run as far and as fast as my legs could carry me. Things that most others find mildly amusing or even distasteful, I find hilarious. But it was if demons themselves were pinning me to my seat forcing me to bear witness to some strange ritual. Then she started singing with a voice cracked from old age.

When she started singing I was reminded of the John Mellencamp Album 'Scarecrow', where his grandmother sang a song about a baby crying on a train and a small giggle escaped me. Then my mind wandered to a thought that this sweet little shrunken old woman looked like Maxine of the Twisted Hallmark cards with her wild shock of white hair and owl glasses peering over the podium and a small giggle escaped me. Then I recalled the stand up routine of Kathy Griffin, where she talks of having the church giggles, and although when I heard her routine I thought that I knew what she was talking about but I did not have a clue as to the depth that this condition can overcome one's senses. I experienced sheer physical pain from the conflicting emotions. On one hand, this was just too funny to keep from laughing and on the other hand a funeral is not the place to break out in hysterical laughter and must be avoided at all costs. After I snorted while trying to suppress my laughter, it caused Angry Joyce to laugh. When she started laughing, I could no longer contain myself so I faked a coughing fit and fled from the church.

I was able to suppress myself for the most part until I reached a respectable distance from the church; about a half block away. Then I was able to bust out laughing; a thigh-slapping, gut-busting, tears rolling down my eyes, relief of hysteria. For this I know that another black mark will be entered in the book of life by my name. If there were any doubts about my destination after death, these questions are now answered.

18 comments:

Big D said...

It's were all the cool kids are going anyway.

Add two letters to my verification and it's bedrock!

Reiki said...

so fuxx, do you really think the punishment for laughing at a dead hillbilly's funeral is an eternity in the firey depths of Hell?

Rocky said...

I'm also guilty of finding humor in inappropriate places. So I guess I'll see you in hell!

:P fuzzbox said...

big d: Glad I want have to miss the party. All I have to add is the u and my word verifacation letters are yfuckin.

dear jane: I don't know about a firey damnation maybe just a level of purgatory, where you are forced to watch The Tyra Banks show and dine on Cold Spam Sandwiches on moldy Wonder Bread while listening to Dueling Banjos twenty-four hours a day.

rocky: Maybe we can set up a poker game with Attilla the Hun, Savannah, and Sid Vicious. That would be cool.

Ann Alsex said...

Wherever you go will be heaven, Fuxxie :D

Tina said...

Nice Picture, :P Fuzzbox. I think I've seen that somewhere before. You little naughty thief!

:P fuzzbox said...

tina: We both use a lot of vernon stuff don't we. I was going to use tank girl for veterens day but had noticed that you had already used it. I had been saving the devil girl for when I had done something damning. By the way I went to the quiz link on your girl next door site and only rated an overall second level of hell. If I can lower my lust score, maybe I can kick it into limbo but I think I will just try my debating skills and bullshit my way in.

phred said...

We can`t take you anywhere..

jane said...

oh what i would have given to be a fly on that wall! of course, i would have been a hellbound fly by the end of the service, but still...woulda been good laughs!

whoami929 said...

I was at a funeral with some friends and the line was out the door and down the street so we did what you would normally do in that situation, we went for a drink first. By the time we got to the funeral we were smashed. We had to go to the funeral because it was a childhood friend who had died unexpectedly while at college. Want to talk about inappropriate and enternal damnation? I, when I drink, tend to be the most vocal and I am, usually, the one left to entertain the rest. While we were standing in line for AN HOUR, improperly buzzed, I said to my friends, "Boy, I hope this isn't the wrong funeral. That'll suck." We lost it. I followed it with, "So if it's the wrong viewing would it be inappropriate for me to say, "Who's this fuckin' guy?" outloud when we get to the casket?" My friend laughed so hard she had to leave the viewing. Everyone thought we were so upset about this girl dying because we had tears streaming down our faces.

See you in hell! I'll be the one pushing the boulder up the hill for all eternity.

whoami929 said...

Just double checked my spelling, that's eternal damnation not enternal. So maybe I won't be pushing the boulder up a hill, I'll be forced to attend an eternal spelling bee.

:P fuzzbox said...

phred: That is just what Angry Joyce said. But she was just mad that I made her laugh eventhough she was digging her thumb into her palm hoping that the pain would keep her from laughing.

jane: I am sure the mere sight of my head bobbing and turning red while struggling to keep my composure would have been a sight to see. I am just surprised that none of the other mourners were forced to flee to the parking lot with me.

whoami:That is cool. I have gotten sloshed after funerals but never before them. It would certainly help on some of the ones that I have attended. And I think that I would rather push that boulder than attend an eternal spelling bee.

crallspace said...

That always sucks when you're supposed to be quiet but can't withhold the laughter. Been there many times.

elvira black said...

Maybe if you just let it out you could have somehow made it sound like you were sobbing uncontrollably. In any case, you may at least be headed to the green room in purgatory for that one.

:P fuzzbox said...

crallspace: Yeah it sucks. But at least I have found a singer for my funeral if I die shortly before Maxine passes away.

elvira black: Wonder what kind of snacks they keep in the green room? I'm hoping for devils food cake or death by chocalate.

Laurie said...

I was giggling reading that post, but at least I'm in my kitchen ;-)

The Phoenix said...

Dude, you're going to hell in a breadbasket.

:P fuzzbox said...

laurie: It would certainly be safer to giggle in the kitchen than during the service.

phoenix: He who has not sinned can throw the first stone. But seriously, I would dare anyone to hear this funeral tune and not at least giggle.