Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Campfire Cookin'

This weekend while browsing in Target, I saw a handy dandy kitchen appliance; an electric tabletop barbeque grill from Crockpot, that can hold three racks of ribs. Although it is against my religion to call anything cooked indoors barbeque, this looked handy for those times when the West Texas wind is barreling across the plains or the occasional hard rain, although I have carted the pit under the car port in times of need. To prove my dedication, I have even barbequed during a tornado watch patiently watching my smoking pit as the neighbors scurried for the storm cellers. When the all clear signal went up, I was taking up my ribs as the heads of the neighbors peeked from the ground like a bunch of mullet headed snake charming gophers.

Living in Redneck, America, the fine art of the barbeque is not only a prerequisite but an intuitive thing ingrained in the womb. I consider myself a fair hand at cooking anything that doesn't dodge bullet or bumper but I generally do not do much in the area of cooking in a dutch oven except for a cobbler or chili, but once I had a hand in producing one of the most dangerous pot of beans known to man.

A group of friends and myself decided to have a kegger/cookout about 20 miles from civilazation out in BFE. After the meal had been devoured and buckets of beer had been drank, the only two left standing were Charlie and myself. We were both night owls with a renowned prowess in the drinking arena. When the first light of false dawn arrived, we felt the inevitable hunger pangs associated with any all night drinking binge. Upon searching the campsite, we discovered that the only foodstuffs were some dried out tortillas and about two pounds of beans left out by the fire.

The crusted over beans more closely resembled a dried out creekbed than anything edible. Therefore we doctored it up by pouring in a generous amount of Budweiser from the keg and put the pot back on the fire. We also figured that anything that crusty had to have lost much of it's taste so we added a copious amount of salt. As the sun peaked over the horizon, the pot was bubbling with an eery intensity.

These beans were fantastacal. Not only were they crazy tasty but they produced intestinal gas that is legendary to all the other campers/victims that arose to the stench wafting through the West Texas Plains. I have not ate any dish since that created in my digestive system such a lethal and toxic flatulance. The lasting power, volume, and stench of the maloderous eminations were an incredible once in a lifetime acheivement.

Beans anyone?

14 comments:

Reiki said...

fuxx, what's BFE?

:P fuzzbox said...

dear jane: BFE is a generic term for the middle of nowhere. It stands for bum fuck Egypt.

Reiki said...

fuxx...geography, not my specialty. But I did suspect it was some bumblefuck euphemism. Beans, not my favorite either...especially now.

Crazy Dan said...

I agree the lasting power is quite amazing for even years later you are still one stinky ass motherfucker.

Laurie said...

I am sooooo wanting some BBQ now!

We yanks are pretty good at it, too.. some of us, anyway. We've been known to bbq in subzero temps ass-deep in snowdrifts at this house.

I cannot imagine the gas produced by beans cooked in beer... that's almost scary. Level 4 biohazard, for sure.

:P fuzzbox said...

cd: thanks for the compliment.

laurie: Down here we don't have to worry about the ass-deep snow but I have bbqed in just about every other adverse weather. And frijoles con cerveza is a delicassy not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach.

Mojotek said...

Wow... beans slowed cook with Bud Heavy, and plenty of salt. Did you start spoonin' with your buddies that were left drinkin? Just so they could be at ground zero when the biohazard started...

Anyway, that's what I would have done... probably crawled right in their sleeping bags with 'em.

:P fuzzbox said...

moj: It may be a sick world but not that kinda sick in this neck of the woods. If you crawled into a buddies sleeping bag in this part of the world, farts wouldn't be the only thing blowing out your ass. Most likely someone would shoot another hole in it for you. And I like mine fine the way it is.

Crazy Dan said...

Mojo - Fuzz didnt tell you the complete story, do not let that comment confuse you. Fuzz loves the cock.

Ann Alsex said...

Don't anyone be fooled by the goat fucker. Fuxxie is a licklishus ladies man.

Big D said...

You are deadly in enclosed places without the added bonus of beans.

Johnny Wadd said...

Beans are the only food on the planet i'd rather starve over than eat.

Rocky said...

Fuzz, I don't know how you were passed over for a starring role for the campfire scene in the movie Blazing Saddles.

:P fuzzbox said...

big d: I haven't killed anyone yet.

mic: Angry Joyce feels the same way and even goes as far as banning them from the house except those rare occasions when she is trying to make brownie points for some reason.

rocky: I could have been a contender.