Wednesday, November 16, 2005


I feel like a must give a short prologue to the following post. I rarely write things here in my blog of a deeply personal nature. In the first place my life is a generally mundane thing and secondly I am a very private person by nature. But as I am attempting to use this as a journal of my thoughts, I felt that I owed it to myself to jot this down. I was going to post this last month when the incident happened but every time that I sat behind the keyboard to write, I erased it. But this time I will post it although I might delete it when I post again. Until then I am sorry to all readers if I seem self-pandering and long winded for I know it is not what anyone came here to read. Don't say that I didn't warn you and give you a chance to click away now.

Over a year and a half ago, an old and at one time very close friend of mine passed away. She fought with her internal demons and finally lost to them finally succumbing to complications from anorexia.

I knew her my whole life. We started to Kindergarten together. In Junior High, I went on my first real date, when I took her to see Jaws at the local movie theater. As young adults we helped each other through first her divorce and then an engagement of mine that went sour.Then time, distance, and circumstance drew us apart and I had not talked to her in a few years.

When I got the call that she had passed, I spent a good deal of time in a stupor; shocked that it had come to this. The last time that I had seen her she seemed thin but I did not think that it was a life threatening thing. My mind was momentarily crippled by the what-ifs:what if I would have realized her problem and what if I had done something about it. But as the weeks passed by a realized that even if I had been able to see her problem and tryed to help her, It would most likely have been for nothing. If she or those close to her at the time could stop this from happening then nothing that I could have done would have helped.

The week preceeding my high school reunion, I kept having a recurring dream. My friend would come to me in my sleep and warn me of something. I could feel her frustration at my inability to understand her. When I woke up in the morning, I could never understand or remember just what she said or tryed to say. Then a day before homecoming the dream stopped and has not returned.

I am by nature a cynic so I do not beleive this was her actual spirit coming to warn me of any approaching doom or danger, also I am very leery of Freudian mumbo-jumbo so I really do not think that it was feelings of guilt resurfacing. No, I feel that sometimes the mind gets so full of memories that we must put some of them in a zip drive in the back of our consciousness to make room for more. Though I will never completely purge myself of these feelings of guilt and remorse, it is time to shove them back to the far corner of my mind and seal them away.

I will always remember the good times and bad times that my friend and I shared but I no longer have room for regrets and what-ifs. Vaya con Dio's my friend , I hope that you have found peace.


Big D said...

Sorry bro.

phred said...

Old friend, the older I get..the more I know that ...I don`t know...

Rocky said...

FUZZ - Sorry for your loss. No apologies needed for the post, as sometimes you need to just get things off your chest and/or mind. On the dreams: Maybe your friend was simply trying to tell you she'd be there at the Homecoming in spirit.

Laurie said...

sorry about your friend.. losing someone like that is the hardest thing, especially when there's the "what ifs" involved.

your blog is your blog - it's about you, and what's on your mind.. it's nice to see more of you, fuzz :-)

Crazy Dan said...

I will let my man Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails speak for me, although Hugs can be received upon request.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

Anonymous said...

It was nice to see a different side of you. Don't apologize at all. I had a friend, R, who I was very close with but we had a falling out and stopped talking. One night, late, he called and I was rude to him. I think I even hung up on him. A couple weeks later they found him hanging in his closet. Don't beat yourself up with the what-ifs. I'm glad you realized that the time for self-pity is over and it's time to remember the good. Hopefully your friend is happier and I hope mine is, too.

Reiki said...

fuzz, i would have never guessed you were a very private person, so your sharing this means even more. And no need to apologize for your writing...ever. well said.

RAVEN the PITA said...

its always hard losing a friend, especially when you've been through so much - but you always have the memories...glad to see you letting loose fuxxie...

:P fuzzbox said...

Everyone: Thanks for everything. You are all much too kind.

jane said...

Realizing our limits & closure are so very important. I'm new to your blog, but I hope you stay true to yourself, writing about what you want/need to.
Your friend suffered from a terrible disease, one that is sadly too common in our society. I'm sorry for your loss.