Friday, November 04, 2005



Phone-A-Friend

The last time my brother-in-law and I got together, we hoisted a few cold ones and swapped the shit. Our conversation eventually came to old stories of stupid things that we had done while drunk. It seemed to us that of all the stupid things that we had done could have been averted if we had a friend, that would have told us that this was stupid and guided us through the situation. Whenever we committed a stupid act, either there was no friend to be found or our friends encouraged us in our drunken stupidity.

My brother-in-law told the story of one Super Bowl viewing at a local bar. He won the first quarter of the squares game and proceeded to celebrate by getting drunk and buying rounds for the house. A young vixen that he was now drinking with won the second quarter and the party kept on a-rollin'. The next morning in the dark he heard a sexy voice greet him good morning. She explained to him that he had left his vehicle at the bar and he then asked if she could give him a ride to his vehicle so that he could get back to work. That is when he was hit by the tsunami waves as she arose from the bed. The next day he called in to work to take a mental health day and went to the bar, where his friends who had witnessed the event bought him drinks to commiserate his misfortune.

I then related the story of one night of drinking heavily in a bar during my college days. I can distinctly remember the tequila shot drinking contest but the rest of that night are a god given blur. The next morning, I arose with the sun nude laying in the bed of my truck with the mother of all hangovers. My clothes thankfully were beside me so I dressed and went back to my dorm room. I then proceeded to ask my friends just what the hell had happened. They said that close to closing time they came to me and explained that they were ready to leave and told me so but I was having fun dancing with two rather robust women and they were going to give me a ride home. That is where my knowledge of what happened thankfully ends as I never saw the Rubinesque young ladies again (to the best of my knowledge).

We decided that most friends will go ahead and let you do something stupid just so they will have the opportunity to laugh at you and so they will have something to hold over your head when they do something stupid themselves. There should be a service for people when they are drunk and their thinking processes are askew. There should be someone who will help you when you are thinking of getting back with an ex-spouse or ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, when you are hooking up with someone that you shouldn't, or any other of the hundreds of stupid things you can do when you are drunk.

We decided to start a new venture; a business with unlimited growth potential:Phone-A-Friend. For a nominal fee, we will enter you in a data base and issue you a pin number and our 24 hour a day hotline number. If you find yourself drunk and about to do something stupid, give us a call. We will drive to where you are and with a specially designed tool we will knock you the fuck out and drag your drunk ass home. The next morning we will call you making sure you were able to wake up and allow you to heap your gratitude, and a nominal surcharge, upon us for being a true friend and not allowing you to do something that will embarass you for the rest of your natural born life.

We are currently producing a marketing campaign with a tv ad as the centerpiece. The commercial will feature an Average Joe with a black eye and a gash on his noggin, who says,"I could have ended up with her if it wasn't for Phone-A-Friend." Fade to a shot of a green toothed woman with a tube top on and a body that looks like a can of biscuits that has blown up in the sun. Then fade back to Average Joe saying, "Thanks Phone-A-Friend."

To sign up for this much needed service, all you need to do is dial 1-800-RUF-UKED. Operators are standing by so that we can be ready to rescue your drunk ass.

16 comments:

Johnny Wadd said...

Yup, friends don't let friends fuck fat chicks.

phred said...

Mic is right.
Someone once told me..fat chicks need love too, while this might be true,I have found through experince that I am not mentally able to deal with the repercussions of a gin soaked weak moment.
I would like to subscribe to Phone A Friend.
How much ? $$$$
( I do have one freebee , right ?)

Laurie said...

does that include fat guys, too?

my girlfriend needs that number.

problem is, most drunks don't think that they are doing something stupid in the heat of the moment, so they won't call...

Crazy Dan said...

friends are there to make sure you are the biggest dumbass you can be. Whats is their use if they cant help guide you into trouble as long as the bail you out in the morning.

:P fuzzbox said...

mic: Sounds like you have a better lookout for your buds than mine have.

phred: I look forward to personally handling your call.

laurie: We have female associates standing by to handle drunken feminine stupidity but it seems to me that most females do a better job of talking their friends out of ignorant predicaments. Also we are aware of the mental state of drunks, so we have put out a multi-facited list of things to look out for including # 17 if during a hug, you can't reach around and touch your fingers on the back side, give us a call.

cd: Friends with bail money is always a plus.

phred said...

Laurie, I resemble that remark...

Crazy Dan said...

I guess I am going to have to be the odd man out here because I think big is beautiful. You can have your skinny little women I have learned that the best thing for a hangover is a hearty breakfast prepared by a good cook. The bigger they are the better cooks they are. I have never had a thin mint make me breakfast after a night of binge drinking, but large women they will make you breakfast and wash the puke out of your clothes. Need I expand the list. God Bless the love handles.

The Phoenix said...

I think you're onto something. It's a great business concept, and one that could really save the world.

Big D said...

Phone a friend this is Big D, I think I've found someone bigger then me can you help me?

whoami929 said...

Excellent concept. I could've used that service a time or two. I just found your blog and I love it. I'll be back.

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: We felt that it was overdue and it gave my brother-in-law something to think about other than deflating his ex-wifes fake boobs, which he had bought her six months before she r u n d o f t.

big d: You know you like it.

whoami: It does seem to be a universal problem. Thanks for dropping by. I went over and checked your blog. Cool.

Laurie said...

phred - what remark?

Reiki said...

so i guess cd is a more cushion for the pushin kind of guy. Good to know if I ever go on an eating bindge and gain 200 lbs.

fuxx, although a benevolent concept, I think most drunks get mean when you try to talk them out of any kind of sex...whether that be the good, the bad or the fugly.

:P fuzzbox said...

dear jane: That is way we have a strict no haggle policy. We knock 'em out and drag 'em off. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

phred said...

Laurie..about fat guys..
I`m not really that fat, just a little middle age bulge.

Master - Baiter said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.