Friday, October 14, 2005


Reflections and A Warning

This week an eight year old girl donated a lost tooth to the American Red Cross so that the tooth fairy could donate to the hurricane relief. It takes quite a bit to touch the heart of a grizzled old fart like me but I must admit that this somewhat worked in redeeming my faith in human compassion.

This week the 14 year old girl that lives in my home and calls me Dad when she needs money was given one day of in school suspension and three days lunch detention. I was not able to further reprimand her because I must take partial blame for her offence. She was disciplined due to the fact that she is an unsufferable smartass, even when she doesn't realize it. I am sure that both my tutelage in the ways of the world and the fact of being sprung from Angry Joyce have much to do with this fact. Both nature and nurture have conspired against her and you are what you are. Her history teacher, who is also a football coach (why is it that jock wannabes and high school history go hand in hand), is plagued by premature male pattern baldness and tries to hide it with a spectacularly ugly combover; is there any other kind. So the spawn politely asked him just how the beautician cuts his hair so that it is short on one side but can whoosh around his head and cover his baldness and further asked him how bald he actually is. She swears that she meant no disrespect and even if she did I'm sorry but that's funny. I thought of sending him an e-mail telling him that when I started going bald, I shaved my noggin to even up my hairline and he might try the same unless his head is to bumpy, lumpy, or scarred up, but I decided that it might cause her unneeded trouble with him in the future; since evidently this is a source of great embarressment for him. If she has any more problems, I will be forced to go and make fun of him in person.

Now for the warning. In the New York Times Bestseller, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" by Marc Leynor and Billy Goldberg, M.D., it is reported that you can get hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet too long. They state that when a person is sitting on the toilet, the anus is truly relaxed and that this is the only time it is fully relaxed and fills with blood and if the veins fill too much they can swell and voila you have 'roids. The solution move the bowels quickly and get off the pot. So don't sit there reading porn until your legs go to sleep or you will regret it later.

18 comments:

RAVEN the PITA said...

What a sweetie! Gotta love it when kids do things like that...

She got one day in school suspension and three days lunch detention just for THAT?!?! And why the fuck do guys DO THAT? Like nobody is going to notice - shave the shit off! Women prefer baldies... it's so much fun to rub their head!! heehee (Yeah I went there)

LOL Mystery solved - now it makes sense - I always wondered why Dad took so long in the shitter - and now I know why he bought stock in PrepH!!!

phred said...

Ahhhh the joys of child rearing.
I`m glad I got that all behind me.
I gotta tell you the truth ..You think, By God, someday I`ll get them raised..
I swear, you NEVER get them raised.
One of mine lives 3 blocks away, and the other lives about 10 blocks.
I told their mother - QUIT feeding them or we will NEVER get rid of em !!

:P fuzzbox said...

Pita: I don't think that sweet and spawn have been used in the same breath before. But at the risk of being labeled as a mr. mommie blogger, I must give a small addition to the story. Upon hearing the gossip of demon spawns (as Angry Joyce calls her), the lunch ladies and janitorial staff now gives Coach History total shit about his hair.

Phred: My advice is sell the house and move to McFlats under an assumed name and new identity, when it undergoes Construction.

cleveland said...

hell yeah to the spawn opionated is good speaking your mind can be good in alot of instances, (i have lived with one for 13 yrs now holy shit i must be a gulton for punishment) smiling liz loves to speak her mind every chance she gets and does get a damn who is listening and is well versed in all the dirty words and some she made up her self

.: raven :. said...

i heard about the little girl who sent her tooth to the Red Cross ... what a beautiful gesture ... i heard further that someone donated $500 in the name of "The Tooth Fairy" after hearing her story!

LOL re your offspring ... funny stuff. 1 day in school suspension and 3 days lunch detention seems worth saying that everyone else is thinking but doesn't have the guts to say. bet the princiPAL and the ass. pal were laughing their asses off behind closed doors before they had to come out with the stern face and hand down the sentence.

funny blog ~ have bookmarked ~ will be back ~ and thanks for introducing yourself!

:P fuzzbox said...

Cleveland: you are just a sucker for punishment or enjoy the whip.

:.raven:. Thanks for dropping by. The story went on to say that besides the $500 donation from the tooth fairy, this particular chapter has seen a rise in contributions but that this was the only donation that specifically mentioned the letter from the girl.

Reiki said...

my husband decided to dress up as the dirty old high school coach, since I am going to be the school girl for our party tonight. Made me think of you fuxx...

phred said...

Fuzz, if you can only focus that intelligence and mental energy - nothing will be able to stop the girl.
Good Luck.
P.S. WHY do I always get word verification that has eleventeen letters ????

:P fuzzbox said...

Dear Jane: I don't have to worry about you having a good time as a naughty schoolgirl but drink one for fuxx. God I luv that name.

Phred - I don't know about you but I'm thinking Ann Alsex could tell us another way to relax the anus.

Ann Alsex said...

you know me so well fuxx

phred said...

Fuxx, I figure you are right about Ann...but, do we really want a relaxed anus...I`m not so sure.

Oh, you were talking about the female of the species...OK .

Danielle said...

HAHA! "fuxx"..I just read that...

Anyway, who is this 14-year-old? Is she Angry Joyce's daughter and you're the stepdad? I haven't caught any of your "personal life" but only in a few choice sentences. Aubrey shaves his head sometimes. I like it ... he's soooo sexy... he's growing everything out again. I like it when he does that because after a while, he shaves everything off and I'm like WOWWOOIEE WOW WOW!

I don't believe that hemorroid stuff. Hemmoroid are from you being constipated and pushing too hard to get the crap out. It busts the veins and voila! hemorroids. Plus, the doo doo scratches them, also. HAHA! My sister has them because she pushes too damn hard. HAHA! OMG.

About the nipple thing... dude's have nipples because we are conceived as female first, then the clit starts swelling and the ovaries drop and VOILA! it's a BOY! plus.. they're fun to suck on.

RAVEN the PITA said...

Danielle: Right on sister!! lol

:P fuzzbox said...

danielle: Yes,the spawn is my stepdaughter and Angry Joyce's daughter. She has been since she was three and she has not seen her biological father since she was 10 months old; when he left out. And I try not to delve too much into personal issues for I don't want to sound like some simp who either whines about his small problems or gloats over his small acheivements. But at times I will start posting more than glimmers of my life and times.

'Roids are caused by both these reasons you and I stated but they are also caused by heavy lifting, long haul trucking, and severe coughing.

As for how I was schooled in "Why Men Have Nipples". All embryos start as females until the y chromosomes makes it's appearance and the nuts form and drop and the manhood thrusts forth. And that is why some are born innies and some are born outies. But it has been awhile since me and formal education parted ways. That is why I get the scientific explanation and the words of the sage mixed up. When asked how he had managed to sire three females but not a single male, he would say,"It's those goddamned docs. The heavy handed sumbitches flipped em over and slapped the dick off all three of 'em."

:P fuzzbox said...

Addendum: I meant no disrespect towards anyone in my last comment. The small problems and small acheivements that I spoke of are entirely my own. See Spawn does take after me, I sound like a smartass when trying to be sincere.

Laurie said...

LOL - I hate combovers! Just shave it all off!

Kudos to your spawn for her being outspoken and honest. I think that it's hilarious that he's now taking shit from his coworkers.

Breezy said...

You know, i never saw the point in ISS-it was much funner than regular school. The only draw back was the tiny rooms.

Danielle said...

Wait... the innie, outie thing: Are you talking about bellybuttons? Cause that depends on how the doctor ties the embilical cord stub.