Reflections and A Warning

This week an eight year old girl donated a lost tooth to the American Red Cross so that the tooth fairy could donate to the hurricane relief. It takes quite a bit to touch the heart of a grizzled old fart like me but I must admit that this somewhat worked in redeeming my faith in human compassion.

This week the 14 year old girl that lives in my home and calls me Dad when she needs money was given one day of in school suspension and three days lunch detention. I was not able to further reprimand her because I must take partial blame for her offence. She was disciplined due to the fact that she is an unsufferable smartass, even when she doesn't realize it. I am sure that both my tutelage in the ways of the world and the fact of being sprung from Angry Joyce have much to do with this fact. Both nature and nurture have conspired against her and you are what you are. Her history teacher, who is also a football coach (why is it that jock wannabes and high school history go hand in hand), is plagued by premature male pattern baldness and tries to hide it with a spectacularly ugly combover; is there any other kind. So the spawn politely asked him just how the beautician cuts his hair so that it is short on one side but can whoosh around his head and cover his baldness and further asked him how bald he actually is. She swears that she meant no disrespect and even if she did I'm sorry but that's funny. I thought of sending him an e-mail telling him that when I started going bald, I shaved my noggin to even up my hairline and he might try the same unless his head is to bumpy, lumpy, or scarred up, but I decided that it might cause her unneeded trouble with him in the future; since evidently this is a source of great embarressment for him. If she has any more problems, I will be forced to go and make fun of him in person.

Now for the warning. In the New York Times Bestseller, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" by Marc Leynor and Billy Goldberg, M.D., it is reported that you can get hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet too long. They state that when a person is sitting on the toilet, the anus is truly relaxed and that this is the only time it is fully relaxed and fills with blood and if the veins fill too much they can swell and voila you have 'roids. The solution move the bowels quickly and get off the pot. So don't sit there reading porn until your legs go to sleep or you will regret it later.