Monday, August 29, 2005

The Fine Art of ManScaping:
A Head to Toe Primer for The Young Hairy Male

As men grow older, we all find that hair can pop up in the most unappealing and unhoped for places. To the best of my knowledge no one has attempted a total body grooming guide for the real man so I have took it upon myself to tackle the subject.
1) The noggin - Remember that there is no such thing as a good combover and a good rug is hard to find and damned expensive. Most rugs look as if you have a dead animal camped out on your head. If you are balding you might as well shave the whole damn thing provided you have a good smooth noggin free of any scars, blemishes, or bumps. If you do wear a cap or let your bald spot shine on.
2) The eyebrows - Unless you are attempting a world record or have entered a drag queen Brooke Sheilds look alike contest trim your eyebrows before they start rubbing your sunglasses.
3) The nose - For god's sake trim your nosehairs before they merge with your moustache. That is nasty and no one needs to see that. Get one of those rotary cutters that you just stick in your nose and voila no hair. It works for your ears too.
4) Facial Hair - This is a personal preference issue. Clean shaven, bearded, or goateed is all good provided it is kept trim and neat. Long beards might work for ZZ Top and Santa Claus but not so much for the rest of us and Elvis sideburns are out of the question. As an old sage told me long ago, "Never cultivate anything on your face that grows wild on your ass".
5) Chest Hair - Don't worry about it. A lot of women dig it unless it grows so thick that it doubles for a turtleneck sweater. The only others shaving it are body builders, gays, or extremly pussy-whipped sissy boys. If you don't fit in these four catagories, forget about it.
6) Back hair - If you have a significant other have them shave it. It shows love on their part and an obscene amount of backhair is sick. If you have the bucks opt for lasar hair removal.
7) Pubes - Trim if you want more trim. From your significant other to the skank on the street, they all will go down quicker if they don't have to choke on two foot pubic hair.
8) Ass - Let it go wild. Kiss my hairy ass sounds so much better than just Kiss my ass.
9) Legs - Unless you are an athlete needing taped or living on the pink side of life don't worry about it. The exception that proves the rule are those with mermaids tattooed on their calves. No one wants to see a bearded fish woman.
Hopefully this guide will be helpful. Remember it is not a comprehensive map but only a starter guide. Try to remember that you want to be presentable enough to score with the ladies but not so prissy that you score with the men. So get a beard trimmer and a nose hair clipper and embark on your way to avoid being mistaken for a Sasquatch.


phred said...

I do have one of those round nose hair thing - works pretty good. What burns me is those that grow out the side of your nose.

Crazy Dan said...

why didnt waxing ever come up?? Your scared arent you.

:P fuzzbox said...

Have you ever waxed? It is freaking medievil. If you are into the whole pain thing feel free but don't ask me to condone self-torture.

Big D said...

That was an enlightening post, if not a frightening one.

Breezy said...

I would like to advise some of you to listen to the man and take some of his advise into action ;)