Thursday, June 01, 2006

Primed For A Man

This weekend, my redneck neighbor was sunbathing in her backyard. I would like to thank her for her modesty. She pulled her car into the backyard and had it parked where it would obstruct my view. If she looked anything like the model to the left then I would have been pissed. But as she does not resemble this woman in any way, shape, form, or fashion, I was appreciative of her kindness.

Last week she started an exercise regime and died her hair blonde. It won't be long before the courting rituals begin. There is no better cure for the Summertime blues than the sight of Redneck Courtship.

I can almost picture in my mind the line of potential replacements to the mullet man pulling up next door in their pick up trucks. The love ballads of Conway Twitty filling the air. The breaking out of brand name beer. Men walking to her door with their hair slicked back wearing their cleanest tee shirts and their best overalls. Men bearing gifts such as flowers or hunks of meat.

Love is truly in the air.

50 comments:

phred said...

Ahhhh, Springtime is in the air.
Fuzz, beware not to fall victim to the Mulletman rejects ploys to ensnare a new mate.
Mulletman is probably in jail somewhere and unable to provide financial support. She needs cashflow.
( Enter Angry Joyce with rolling pin in hand).

michaelm said...

I can almost smell the love, Fuzz.
Or is it bacon?
~m

ozymandiaz said...

I can just hear her mating call now..."I'm so wasted!"
Oh, and thanks for the babe. Glad to see you getting back to form...

Crazy Dan said...

Nice picture what are all those squggile things next to it??

Sherri said...

Oh my, the bottle blond out already! She's moving fast! LOL!!

Big D said...

OK. I believe it's time for an intervention. Fuzz, brother. Blogging is hurting you and your family. Please stop the insanity! People love you you. I know I speak with Angery Joyce and the hellspawn when I say we miss you!

Mimi said...

I am surprised her car blocked the whole view, from the way she sounds ;)

Green Eyes said...

This sounds better than television! We could sit on your porch, while drinking our beer, and watch the rednecks court. I promise not to be too mean, k?

LisaBinDaCity said...

You are SO funny!

Redneck courtship is SUCH a scary thing ;-)

:P fuzzbox said...

phred: I can guarentee that I will not be tempted in the slightest.

michael: As in makin'bacon?

ozy: I have been getting off track here lately as far as pin-ups but there is always the sweetie on the header and footer.

cd: It isn't important.

sherri: She is probably hungry. In more ways than one.

:P fuzzbox said...

big d: People love with me? Why wasn't I invited?

mimi: Her cankles were showing. I will leave it at that.

green eyes: Wow, you have great willpower. I can never make that promise.

lisa b: It is scary but in a lovely way.

:P fuzzbox said...

I should have embedded an auto play of Conway Twitty's tune, 'Redneckin' Lovemakin' Night' or possibly 'A Tiger in Those Tight Fittin Jeans.' But I felt that the backlash would have been horrific.

Ranea said...

Was her dye job a good one or does she have multi colored hair?

Bruce said...

Was her car up on blocks, fuzz? That's a guaranteed way to get a man...

Crazy Dan said...

Alright dude the time has come in every bloggers life where you must set aside the blog and grab some boobies or a beer instead. With your families help I am sure this disease can be cured. SImple things like take your boy fishing, camping. We implore you to go on a vaction and relax away from the evil internet.

Vic said...

So tell me again...is there something wrong with Conway. Mmmmm - polyester pants and man perms. Those were the days.

:P fuzzbox said...

ranea: It's nothing like a rainbow wig. But I am sure it would not impress the queer eye guys.

bruce: That is one of the many tools in the arsenal.

crazy dan: Why don't you and big d just come out and say it? I would be happy to introduce y'all to my neighbor. Bring a case of Natural Light for her and I will make the introductions.

vic: Man Perms? I always thought his hair was naturally that way.

Pixie said...

Not to worry Fuzz, I am sure there will be a new cooler & Pit under that carport again. ;)

siren said...

It sounds very exciting. Maybe in lieu of bleaching her hair and dieting, she should buy a new BBQ grill to entice her potential mates. All she'll have to do is light the grill, pop open a Natty Light and wait...like moths to a flame.

Jacquie said...

Sounds like a great time for all. Keep us posted, I will check back.
Redneck neighbour watching is one of my hobbies.

angel, jr. said...

Sounds just like a coutry song.
"My neighbor's bikini is her pick-up truck".

Green Eyes said...

Fuzz, I said I would TRY, but you know, once I get started with my people watching, it could get nasty. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that?

Are you feeling the love from your brothers? Now, where's that free beer?

The Phoenix said...

I have read that Redneck Courting is similar to Amazonian monkeys getting it on.

Metal Mark said...

When I was kid there was a family that lived down the road and they must have had 10 kids from three different families living there at any one time. One of the older guys drove a beat-up black plymouth with "Batmobile" written in crooked red paint on both sides. In the summer they would clear out a big field and drive a big beat-up tractor trailer cab around in circles over and over for fun. My mother actually wrote a book about dealing with this people, but wasn't able to get it published.

Curare_Z said...

Fuzz - Big D and Crazy Dan are concerned about your well being. It starts with blogging about your neighbor, then it escalates into a case of Natty Light at her house and, horror of horrors it ends with you dreaming about your neighbor. Stop the insanity. Or Angry Joyce may stop it for you. :-) hee hee

Bruce said...

Fuzz, my brother...I've been recruited by Crazy Dan to aid in your rehabilitation. Frankly, I think I'm in more need than you, but that's just me.. :)

guerrilla blogger said...

i can hear the wooing now, "hey darlin, i brought you this side of beef, wanna go to my double wide and listen to some david allen coe?"...

guerrilla blogger said...

oh, and you have a problem and your freind crazy dan asked me to help, and since i like you a lot, i am concerned...there, i said it...

Angry Joyce said...

Fuzz, Honey we miss you! Pleases come back!!

:P fuzzbox said...

pixie: I hope sooner rather than later. Apparently my brothers have contracted an addiction to her.

siren: Or even to a bug light.

jacquie: I will be sure to keep you posted. Thanks so much for popping in.

angel, jr: She does have a bra on it.

:P fuzzbox said...

green eyes: It is more love than I can handle in one sitting.

phoenix: With the screeching and everything on top.

metal mark: That should have been published. Many need a copy of that sort of how to book.

curare: I really don't see that happening.

bruce: The first part of his user name should give it away.

gb: Can't wait to sing along to 'You don't have to call me darlin' and he is crazy you know.

angry joyce: Is that really you? I don't recognize a note from you that doesn't have the word sumbitch in it.

ozymandiaz said...

Fuzz-The double D's (you know who they are) say you have a problem, a drinking problem, as in you use both hands type which leaves a grand total of no hands to hold a beer. This concerns me. There must always be one free hand to either hold a beer or necessary body appendages. I mean I guess you could get one of those beer hats but the tool must be hand held. With out the properly maintained beer induction certain side effects may occur. Politics, religion, social concerns...these things may well end up in your blog and the next thing you know you're like that so and so over at "Common Sense" running for congress or something taking yourself all serious and stuff.
Oh, and something about your family missing Ya or something like that.
So do yourself and all of us a favor and surf some porn, drink some beer and jerk off (not necessarily in that order).

Metal Mark said...

Take it easy, Fuzz. You run a hectic blogging schedule. I know what it's like when I start spending too much time on the computer. I know it because I am probably doing it right now.

phred said...

Fuzz, maybe you should '' slow down ''.
Your family needs you.
You know .. you really do have ALOT of friends .
I fear the Chupacabra Hunt and all the other hero stuff you have been involved in has taken it`s toll on you.

Your Phriend , Phred

Catch said...

well I had to come right over here...Crazy Dan asked me to help with an intervention....Fuzz you need a privacy fence...asap.when those red necks start with the mating call...well..its not pretty!before you know it they will be out in the yard with the radio blaring cooking a groundhog over the spit. and all the public displays of affection that you can think of. You know what they say...you can pick your nose but not your neighbors.

April said...

An intervention? WTF??

Rednecks mating...*shudder* Ah, the procreation of those who should not...viagra is definitely in the air...

Big Pissy said...

Always lots of redneck courting going on here in hell.....mating season is year round....

that's why I do so many genetic tests...

take pictures of the activity.

we can compare techniques!

:P fuzzbox said...

ozy: How did you know I used a beer hat while blogging? And yeah, Congress, I can picture it now. I could be the next Sonny Bono. I have never picked up snow skiing so I should have a long career.

mark: It really isn't hectic. I am too lackadaisacle to put any real effort to it.

phred: Ah, maybe it is time for another hunt.

catch: Nor can you pick your neighbors nose.

april: The little blue can do pill would help her if she could spike their natty lite. Hopefully she has not discovered that little secret.

pissy: Taking pics? That is just plain scary.

Ann Alsex said...

Fuxxy Dear, I was also asked to help with the intervention.There are a lot worse addictions than blogging honey. As long as it is not taking away quality time with Angry Joyce (in and out of the bedroom)and with the kids, I think your blogging is okay ;)

starbender said...

...by all accounts, shouldn't she be dating her brother?
;]

Anelize said...

Did I not tell you a new redneck mullet was right around the corner? LOL!

David Amulet said...

I'm sorry, I didn't comprehend a word. Every letter had me looking back to that picture.

Who actually wears that swimsuit?!?

-- david

Jamie Dawn said...

I've seen some pretty skanky looking rednecks where I live here in AR.
I was in the waiting room of my ob-gyn in order to get my annual exam. Of course, there were a lot of pregnant ladies in there waiting too.
Dear GAWWWD!
How much trouble would it be to put on a clean shirt?
How much trouble would it be to comb one's hair?
Do you even OWN a toothbrush?
There is NO WAY all that fat is from the baby!
There were many tattoos on display, and not a single one was remotely pleasant to look upon. I am not a fan of tattoos any way, but some are better than others.

It's been awhile since I've posted about my hick surroundings, but you've got me going again with your post.

:P fuzzbox said...

ann: As far as addictions go it is pretty tame.

starbender: I believe she is an only child. The world can be thankful for that anomoly.

anelize: Yes but I was living a fools dream.

david: It is a rather eye catching outfit. But I don't think that it would be very functional for actual swimming.

jamie dawn: It will be better when all Wal-Marts have an OB-GYN clinic. It will free up a lot of other offices.

dragonflyfilly said...

Redneck courtship? sounds revolting.

but i actually came over to tell you i'm a bit worried about crazy dan...he seems to think you blog too much....what's with THAT?

anyway, it seem unanamous that we are willing to help out if it involves free beer...seems fair to me.

pj

the weirdgirl said...

I think you should save your eyes, fuzz, and leave some sunless tanner on her porch... from a "secret admirer". That should get the courtship juices flowing.

:P fuzzbox said...

dragonfly filly: I might go along with it for free beer. But I'd have to have to take a gander at the beer first. I would be leery of the old bait and switch.

weirdgirl: You are a genious. I will have to find one with a good shade of day glo orange. That would be cool.

rockyjay said...

Um... I'm here for the intervention; crazy_dan sent me here. But I got so distracted of that sexy babe...

Where was I? Right, he says you need help?

He is such a hypocrite.

Sorry, but I've got to go back to my blog now; posts to write, blogroll to read...

dragonflyfilly said...

yeah, i hear you...i like Sleeman's Honey Larger myself, and occasionally i can tolerate a nice dark Guinesse, and yesterday i discovered that i like Japanes beer (but i can't remember the label)...I do not like Coors, or Budweiser or most light beers...was not much of a beer drinker until about 5 years ago, but my fave is definitely Sleeman's honey larger...for now anyway....but what's up with Dan?
cheers,
pj

:P fuzzbox said...

rocky jay: Thanks for popping in. It's been quite awhile. Glad you liked the pic. Angry Joyce was not to amused but such is the price I pay for the sake of art.

pj: I have tried honey lagars but I can't recall ever trying Sleeman's. I will have to give it a try. I am a fan of many beers from dark beers like Shiner Bock to Heffenweisen Beers, although the sediment floating around on those take some getting use to, and sometimes a pale ale hits the spot. I also like Budweiser when the occasion calls for it.

I don't know what's up with cd but he could get a job as a spammer now after building up his resume.