Friday, June 09, 2006

Another Rerun


Since if today is like any other day this past week, Blogger will blow up and no one will either be able to read or comment on this post. I didn't want to waste either your's or my time on a new post so instead I have decided to repost this little bit of fluff from fairly early in this blog's history. My brother-in-law, who is mentioned in this story, will be visiting for a couple of weeks starting Monday so if the next couple of weeks you notice that I am not around as much you might know why. (We will most likely be drunk and acting like total idiots.)

Phone-A-Friend

The last time my brother-in-law and I got together, we hoisted a few cold ones and swapped the shit. Our conversation eventually came to old stories of stupid things that we had done while drunk. It seemed to us that of all the stupid things that we had done could have been averted if we had a friend, that would have told us that this was stupid and guided us through the situation. Whenever we committed a stupid act, either there was no friend to be found or our friends encouraged us in our drunken stupidity.

My brother-in-law told the story of one Super Bowl viewing at a local bar. He won the first quarter of the squares game and proceeded to celebrate by getting drunk and buying rounds for the house. A young vixen that he was now drinking with won the second quarter and the party kept on a-rollin'. The next morning in the dark he heard a sexy voice greet him good morning. She explained to him that he had left his vehicle at the bar and he then asked if she could give him a ride to his vehicle so that he could get back to work. That is when he was hit by the tsunami waves as she arose from the waterbed. He described her as weighing 400 pounds if she was an ounce. The next day he called in to work to take a mental health day and went to the bar, where his friends who had witnessed the event bought him drinks to commiserate his misfortune.

I then related the story of one night of drinking heavily in a bar during my college days. I can distinctly remember the tequila shot drinking contest but the rest of that night are a god given blur. The next morning, I arose with the sun nude laying in the bed of my truck with the mother of all hangovers. My clothes thankfully were beside me so I dressed and went back to my dorm room. I then proceeded to ask my friends just what the hell had happened. They said that close to closing time they came to me and explained that they were ready to leave and told me so but I was having fun dancing with two rather robust women and they were going to give me a ride home. That is where my knowledge of what happened thankfully ends as I never saw the Rubinesque young ladies again (to the best of my knowledge).

We decided that most friends will go ahead and let you do something stupid just so they will have the opportunity to laugh at you and so they will have something to hold over your head when they do something stupid themselves. There should be a service for people when they are drunk and their thinking processes are askew. There should be someone who will help you when you are thinking of getting back with an ex-spouse or ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, when you are hooking up with someone that you shouldn't, or any other of the hundreds of stupid things you can do when you are drunk.

We decided to start a new venture; a business with unlimited growth potential:Phone-A-Friend. For a nominal fee, we will enter you in a data base and issue you a pin number and our 24 hour a day hotline number. If you find yourself drunk and about to do something stupid, give us a call. We will drive to where you are and with a specially designed tool we will knock you the fuck out and drag your drunk ass home. The next morning we will call you making sure you were able to wake up and allow you to heap your gratitude, and a nominal surcharge, upon us for being a true friend and not allowing you to do something that will embarrass you for the rest of your natural born life.

We are currently producing a marketing campaign with a tv ad as the centerpiece. The commercial will feature an Average Joe with a black eye and a gash on his noggin, who says,"I could have ended up with her if it wasn't for Phone-A-Friend." Fade to a shot of a green toothed woman with a tube top on and a body that looks like a can of biscuits that has blown up in the sun. Then fade back to Average Joe saying, "Thanks Phone-A-Friend."

To sign up for this much needed service, all you need to do is dial 1-800-RUF-UKED. Operators are standing by so that we can be ready to rescue your drunk ass.

37 comments:

:P fuzzbox said...

Yeah, Blogger is going to be a pain in the ass again today. I got an error message on this post saying that it could not be published due to an html error. I checked the box that said 'Do not show html errors for this post' and hit publish again and voila it is up. But for how long only blogger knows. Strike that Blogger doesn't know either.

oldfartswife said...

funny story fuzz
I would prob have to be drunk to even tell some of the stupid things I have done.
Really, I do not have to be drunk to do some stupid crap... then wonder what the hell was I thinking.
Have a great weekend!

Crazy Dan said...

Yeah we was being using this for a while. Remember that time I got wasted and Phred had to call you guys before I had sex with his dog. His dog still loves me. That was a crazy a crazy night.

Mimi said...

I am sure Phone A Friend would be a successful business! Have fun with your bro in law!

Laurie said...

LOL - that's one of my all-time favorite posts of yours!!

Blogger sucks - which is why I dumped it six months ago!

michaelm said...

I've put the # in my cell address book.
In my younger days, I lived by the idiom: Never do anything that weighs more than you do.
It's just too damn risky. You might break a rib, maybe your "willy" for God's sake.
LMAO, Fuzz...

~m

Gerald Ford said...

No kidding. I always manage to post when Blogger goes tits-up. Then I get to clean up my own posting mess later. I make it a habit of copying and pasting my post to Windows Notepad just before I click on "Publish". I've lost many posts that way.

Anyway, have fun drinkin'!

:P fuzzbox said...

old farts wife: This was one of my tamer shit that happened when I was wasted stories. Have fun this weekend, just not too much fun.

cd: Animals just luv you don't they.

mimi: It is a much needed service.

laurie: I think that I will be off to a domain of my own soon. It is just getting worse all the time.

michael: That is a wise rule to live by.

gerald: I haven't lost many posts but the ones that I have were so unlike the rest of my drivel that they could be considered works of art and I didn't save them. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

dragonflyfilly said...

WELL FINALLY, after two days i have something up...but not what i wanted...i still have lots more photos...but i am having such trouble with my Blog (and now my coffee's gone cold!)...anyhoooo, here it is.....

hope you have lots of fun with your brother....BUT....NO, absolutely do not phone me when you are drunk...there is nothing that irritates me more than trying to talk to a drunk person, or listening to their maudlin drivel...very rarely does a funny drunk come along...so have fun. and i will chat with you later.
cheers,
pj

Big D said...

Hello this is Phone-A friend Big D speaking?

What the woman your kissing has a hairy lip. That's not a woman, friend. I'm dispatching a case worker right now. Whatever you do, do NOT leave the bar.

:P fuzzbox said...

dragonfly: Don't worry. I am sure that Angry Joyce will keep us in line.

big d: That sounds like one serious call. Glad you were manning the lines.

dragonflyfilly said...

GOOD, I'm glad you have someone looking after you...i still want to be able to blog with you...and by the way, i didn't get any pics of AC/DC t-shirts,sorry, and i was very polite about staying out of the men's dressing room (altho' i found out later that they welcomed female voyeurs) but i will post what i have, actually i do not have a digital camera, and i ran out of film...but i will share what i have...please try not to get alcohol poisoning...

phred said...

The dog still has ''emotional issues''.

Pixie said...

Funnt story, I am sure that you would make a mint with your venture. Although I never get drunk enough to not know what I am doing , I'm far too cautious (that and I dont think the hangover is worth it) ;)

:P fuzzbox said...

dragonfly: Don't worry, I learned long ago when to say when.

phred: Maybe you should take poochie to a pet psycholigist. I have been watching the one on Animal Planet and would be happy to consult for free beer during consultations. Being as Crazy Dan can be so traumatizing it might take quite a few sessions. I would suggest buying a keg.

:P fuzzbox said...

pixie: And I would think that flying would be a bitch when drunk.

Catch said...

lol...you are a hoot! I bet your fun to drink with!!

phred said...

A keg would be a cheap price to pay for '' pet mental health ''.

Do you think, while you`re at it,you could talk to him about that annoying habit he has of licking his ass?

Big D said...

Always Available to help out.

:P fuzzbox said...

catch: As long as I stay out away from tequila, I can manage to stay clothed. Most of the time ;)

phred: That is a tough one. Might have to break out the gin bottle for the heavy headshrinkin'.

big d: I noticed you called me phats on your comment section. You still cheesed over the Dubya comment?

siren said...

I could have really used your services about a week ago :) What a great idea!

Ranea said...

I've got an idea. Have you and your brother-in-law considered making those necklaces like for the elderly. The one's that when you push the button they send help. Maybe a phone isn't always available.

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: I try to always be ready to render services. :)

ranea: That would be too cool. Kinda like, I am falling down drunk and I can't get up.

angel, jr. said...

Yay, I can read blogs again and leave comments. Blogger has been down for awhile. How were you able to post?

:P fuzzbox said...

It wasn't easy but where there is a will there is a way. Commenting has been the biggest problem.

Leigh said...

I love the phone a friend business idea, I think you should try to get a goverment grant to start it up. I think it would quilify as a public service.

:P fuzzbox said...

That is an excellent idea. It truly is in the public's best interest. Thanks a lot for stopping by and commenting Leigh. I appreciate it!!!

phlegmfatale said...

"It seemed to us that of all the stupid things that we had done could have been averted if we had a friend, that would have told us that this was stupid and guided us through the situation"
Uh, it's called a babysitter.

I think you'd be too fucked up to remember to call for help.

phred said...

Please define '' robust women ''.

Pounds or inches will suffice.

Gerald Ford said...

gerald: I haven't lost many posts but the ones that I have were so unlike the rest of my drivel that they could be considered works of art and I didn't save them. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

It's your blog...anything you say. ;p

P.S. I love your avatar pick. Where's that from?

Bruce said...

Since I no longer drink(it's been 16 years), with my luck, I'd be the only one who anybody would call. I can just hear it now, "Call Bruce! He's always sober!"

:P fuzzbox said...

phlegmy: Kinda like a manny.

phred: Let's just say ton of fun and leave it at that.

gerald: It is a portion of a larger work by Chris Dien entitled, ' Size Doesn't Matter.' The full piece is in my archives on a May 26, 2006 post. Just a short time ago.

bruce: Cool. Now I will know who to call.

tubawench said...

This service would be great because people don't appreciate guidance and help from actual friends. Been there, done that, don't call me.

:P fuzzbox said...

That is soo true. A friend is the last person that most people take advice from when they are drunk.

Keshi said...

I think I need that service lol!

Keshi.

:P fuzzbox said...

I think many of us do.

Keshi said...

aha aha :)

Keshi.