Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Words To The Groom


My baby brother, Crazy Dan, will be getting married soon so I thought that I would share with him a few things that I have learned over the years.

1. The person that came up with the adage to never go to bed angry was either a complete moron or did not need much sleep.
2. Don't sweat the small stuff. A woman is a myriad complexity of feelings and emotions. Men think of five basic things; either you are hungry or full, horny or sated, drunk or sober, sleepy or well rested, and then there is sports. If you let your wife have her way with the other things in life then it is easier to get what you want out of those five basic things.
3. At the outset of pre-menstrual syndrome, defend yourself with pre-manstrual syndrome.
4. There is rarely an argument that is so large that it cannot be solved by make up sex or at least a good grudge fuck.
5. A big smile and a 'Yes Dear' said just the right way is better than harsh words during an argument.
6. The first year that you are married put a quarter in a big jar everytime you make love. For the next nine years take a quarter out every time that you make love. On your tenth year anniversary take a nice vacation with the money left in the jar.
7. A wife will change her mind at least five times on any task. So wait for her to ask you five times before starting any 'honey do' job. This will give her adequate time to decide just what she wants done and in fact may get you out of doing the task altogether.
8. There will be tough times in every marriage. Remember that every parade is due for a rain every now and again. That's okay though because the homecoming queen looks good in a wet tee shirt.
9. Find the one sappy love song that your wife absolutely can't stand. Memorize one line of that song. When she goes to bed and is just drifting to sleep, sing that one line softly over and over again. It's always good for a few laughs.
10. I have oft heard the expression, " A woman marries a man thinking that she can change him and a man marries a woman thinking that they will never change. They are both wrong." So just roll with the changes. You've got to keep on rolling, keep on rolling, ro-olllll with the changes.

34 comments:

Catch said...

This is very sound advice Fuzz..you only left out one thing.....whats hers is hers....and whats yours is hers too!!;))

Bruce said...

It's always good to take advice from REO Speedwagon; they know their shit...

Pixie said...

LOL Fuzz, some good advice there. I have to agree with Catch though. you missed out the most important one ;)

Leigh said...

That was great advice, where were you when I got married.... I do like number 11 that catch came up with.

Have a great day.

siren said...

That's great advice, Fuzz :) It sounds like a fool proof plan for success.

Laurie said...

Fuzz, you are so very wise.. I think I'll print this out and insert it into every wedding card I have to send from now on :-)

Vic said...

Great advice Fuzz! Could you do a little counseling for Hubby? ;-)

ozymandiaz said...

You forgot that if you want to make your wife sound like a porpoise just place the head of your cock against her sphincter...

Sherri said...

Very wise words fuzz!

Curare_Z said...

Make sure to sign the guestbook like The Antidote and I do for EVERY wedding we've attended since getting married:

"We hope you're as happy as we thought we would be."

Green Eyes said...

#8 was brilliant, Fuzz!

:P fuzzbox said...

catch: That is a wise addition.

bruce: Angry Joyce hates them with a passion. I have memorized High Infidelity for those special moments. She will see the humor in it one of these days.

pixie: It was a great addition. I could also add that whatever is yours will be hid so you will be forced to ask where anything is.

leigh: Thanks, Have a great day yourself!

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: It can't hurt, much.

laurie: I should get a job at Hallmark. Me and Maxine could try to outcrust each other.

vic: I don't know how qualified I am at counseling. It might do more harm than good.

ozy: That squeel can be ear splitting. And saying that it was only an accident only works so many times.

:P fuzzbox said...

sherri: Thank You!!!

curare: That is damn good.

green eyes: One always has to look for the silver lining.

Jenna Howard said...

Wise words. Fatten it up to a book and give Dr. Phil a run for his money.

starbender said...

Hahahaaaaaa......
P R I C E L E S S !
;]

Breezy said...

gee thanks for your wise words of advise, but just for the record, i think you should add on that he is always wrong and i am always right...

Phats said...

this list was awesome, loved it! I didn't know you were dan's brother huh learn something new everyday

did you get a ton of votes in for big brother?

:P fuzzbox said...

jenna: Thanks, but he has probably got the bald man advice market cornered.

starbender: Thanks!

breezy: That is a given that every wife thinks that they are always right. It is good for a husband to let them believe it until it interferes with the five basic things that every man needs. See rule # 2.

phats: I got in my fair share and a couple of others.

angel, jr. said...

Amazing advice. And all of them hold true--I'm told. I haven't walked towards that direction yet. But the quarter thing--makes me want to try and prove it wrong--that it will be like the first year, every year.

Perplexio said...

1) Props on the old school REO Speedwagon song quote!

2) When I was still just dating an online friend/mentor type person shared similar advice about handling the opposite gender but his list was considerably shorter. I do remember a few of his tips though:

1. Men, don't rely on your charm-- you're flatting yourself, you have none. Just be yourself.

2. No matter how well/poorly you're equipped downstairs, the human tongue is plenty long enough. When you can't get the job done with one, make sure to use the other.

3. When all else fails, as long as you have a jar of vaseline and a right hand you'll always have someone to date on a Saturday night.

Jamie Dawn said...

You gave your bro some good advice.
Don't forget to tell him that ladies love to be told how pretty they are, and tell him to NEVER answer the question, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" There is no good answer to that question. He must skirt around it by saying, "You look so pretty no matter what you wear."

:P fuzzbox said...

angel, jr: I hope you can prove it wrong. But I'm not going to bet the farm on it.

perplexio: Those are excellent tips!

jamie dawn: That is a wonderful way to get out of that question. I generelly break out in the old Billy Joel tune, 'I love you just the way you are.' Yes my life is one weird musical.

jane said...

I must admit, you are THE man!

::::bowing to Fuzz::::

Ol' Lady said...

Priceless advice Fuzz!!! I think I'm going to print it for son-in-law to be (July 22) I'm sure he will appericate it :)

Big Pissy said...

Excellent excellent advice!

Ben O. said...

Why do I suddenly feel itchy all over?

Yikes, Ben O.

michaelm said...

Intelligent words from a man that obviously knows...
Wonderful stuff, Fuzz.
When's the big day?
Are you a "best man"?

~m

:P fuzzbox said...

jane: Awww, you're embarrassing me. ;)

ol' lady: Hopefully he can get some use out of it.

big pissy: Thanks!

ben o.: Is it hives?

michael: I am merely a spectator. I am not even going to stand when they ask if any one knows a reason why the two need not be married unless I need to bitch slap a goat down.

Perplexio said...

Fuzz: Have you ever heard REO Speedwagon's long out of print and near impossible to find debut album? I was able to find a copy of it in mp3 format (ripped from the vinyl record no less) awhile back, it's actually pretty damn good. It's pre-Kevin Cronin, their original lead vocalist, Terry Luttrell's voice isn't anywhere near as annoying as Cronin's which added to my enjoyment of the album IMMENSELY.

:P fuzzbox said...

Where'd you find it?

Perplexio said...

Online, one of those P2P sites.

The Phoenix said...

I see the logic behind the never go to sleep angry argument. If you don't settle the disagreement before bed, you're in for "One lonely night...that's all it takes to, completey break you."

:P fuzzbox said...

Phoenix, thats when the grudge fuck comes in handy.