The Hunt: Episode One - The Hunt Is On

Friday after all of the A-Team were off work. We gathered up and went to 'Tips Liquor Store, Grocery, and Adult Supercenter' for last minute supplies. Big D had already stocked up on his supply of Jim Beam, but Phred needed Gin, Cleveland needed various and sundry exotic ales and brews, I needed Cuervo along with a cooler full of Bud, Crazy Dan isn't finicky about liquor but we had to drag him out of the adult supercenter aisle. (He was a bit pissed as we told him we didn't have time for him to pick out the perfect inflatable party sheep.)

We arrived at the Goat Ranch well before dark and set up our campsite far from the goat herd. After quickly pitching our tents, we sat around and proceeded to discuss our plans while drinking from our stores of liquid courage. The goat herd was situated in a box canyon with only one entry. I thought that this would fall into our hands perfectly. With only one way in and one way out the chupacabras would have to use this corridor. Although the sighting of the chupacabra was reported to have wings, he was not seen to be flying. I hypothesized that maybe it was like a turkey or a quail and could not fly long distances or was loathe to fly and would only do so as a last resort.

We decided that Phred should take up point at the top of the box canyon as he had brought his deer rifle with a high powered scope. If the chupacabras attempted to escape by flying out of the canyon then he would be ready to bring them down when they reached the top. Big D with his collection of Lord of the Ring replica weapons and Cleveland with a sawed off shotgun would position themselves on either side of the entrance to the canyon. This was for two reasons if they had a chance at a good shot or stab at a chupacabra, they would be in a good position and if any Bigfoots (or as they are known here, Dickens County Treehuggers) tried to get in on the action then they could pounce on them. Crazy Dan, armed with a .357 and I , with my PS-52 laser slingshot, would sneak in amongst the goats and be right there should a chupacabra attack.

Come nightfall, we positioned ourselves for the hunt. We were well fortified with liquid courage and eager for action. Crazy Dan and I blended in with the goats and waited. Even with all the cautions for complete silence, Dan was driving me crazy rating the individual goats as if they were potential hookups at a singles bar. Just as boredom started setting in, a strange noise came from a pocket of cedar trees, the noise sounded strangely familiar and I knew that it must be the vocalizations of a Bigfoot, I wheeled around and through my night vision goggles I saw a large ugly hairy face staring towards me with a hideous brown eye. I took quick aim with my PS-52 laser powered slingshot and let fly. I knew that I hit my mark when I heard a blood curdling scream but was surprised when the screaming turned to cursing. I walked over to the creature and discovered that the vocalizations were the ring tones from Cleveland's cell phone and at the time he received his call, he was doing what came naturally to bears in the woods. As he rubbed his ass in pain from the slingshot ball, I apologized and cautioned him to set his phone to vibrate.

Just as Cleveland and I repositioned ourselves a terrible racket issued from the top of the canyon. I feared for Phred's safety so Big D and I rushed up the canyon to see what was going on. When we reached Phred he was on all fours being attacked by a Whitetail Buck. Big D chased it off with a sword and I went to see if Phred was hurt. I asked him why a damn deer had attacked him. He replied, " I was worried about the scent of human chasing away the chupacabras and so I rubbed deer lure comprised of doe in heat urine on myself." It was just his bad fortune to be attacked by a horny buck. The buck had come out of nowhere and knocked him down and separated him from his weapon. He was extremely fortunate. If Big D and I had not gotten there in time and if not for the tough denim of his Wrangler jeans, Phred would have been anally probed and we hadn't even seen any aliens.

After we had calmed Phred down, Big D and I climbed back down the canyon and repositioned ourselves once more. Nothing more happened that night. I suppose all of the commotion from the incidents of the night scared away all beasts whether natural or unnatural. We headed back to camp. The A-Team was dejected but I had no fears for success Saturday night for I had the will, the firepower, and a new plan. Success would be guarenteed.

To be continued......

The Authorized Version.