Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Getting Back To The Funk

A while back I was undergoing a bit of a rough time. The details are not important to anyone but myself. I sat down and wrote a post of what I was feeling at the time but I thought better of it at the time and deleted it. Although the feeling passed and I am my old self once more, I remembered this post with an uncanny clarity like some of my favorite posts written by both myself and others. At the time that I wrote it, I suppose I was worried about what people would think. My post of a couple of days ago made me really think. I have cheated myself. I want this post in my archives. I don't think that anyone else will care to read it but this post is for me. Perhaps I am being selfish but hey it's my blog.

Funk

I've been in a funk lately. I guess that funk is far to mild of a term for my feelings of the past month or so. Sure, I put on my happy face, I smile, I laugh, and I do all that is expected of me. Just like one of those stupid fucking clowns with the painted on smile and the god-awful big-ass shoes, I smile for the world to see but inside I rage like a two dollar crackwhore with a cock in her mouth and a knife in her front pocket waiting to cut the damn thing off before it spews in her mouth.

There is no one moment in time when I can place my finger and say it started here or this is what set it off. No blinding flash of rage and hatred but a slow simmering pissed offness that has finally built to a boiling point. I want so desperately to unleash this fury upon the next asshole douchebag cocksucker that crosses my goddamned path but no I keep on grinning like a fucking monkey and show the world a happy face, a great big smiling shitfaced grin that means absolutely shit.

Fuck It.

Back to the now, My step-daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl. So now Fuzz has a grand-daughter, Faith.

32 comments:

:P fuzzbox said...

Yeah, I know the difference between a clown and a mime, in case you were wondering.

Michael said...

Sometimes all we need is a little faith, Fuzz.
I can personally relate to your post because I too, "wear the face" from time to time. The difference between us is how we choose to react to it. I am glad to see you've found a way to wrestle the monster to the mat. Enjoy your newfound "Faith". Life can be so ironic, huh?

Michael

:P fuzzbox said...

michael: I ate a bowl of ice cream. What did you do?

ella m. said...

The more I am getting paid the easier the "face" becomes to wear, but it starts getting hard to remove it when I'm off duty....not good, so I can see why you would feel that kind of rage.


On happier notes, congrats on being a grandad!

Big D said...

I can make lots of comments about the last sentenace. Instead I'll wear my face and say nothing.

Crazy Dan said...

In the words of all the parents of the women I have gone out with. "I have a bullet with a name on it." but for you I have some white out and can add the name of your choice! On a side note its not good to hide your anger, come to the darkside with me we always need assholes.

The Phoenix said...

Sounds like a little depression there...sometimes a situation or circumstance can trigger it. Other times it might be from a bunch of things sort of piling up, and it finally just reaches a breaking point. Ice cream is a known anti-depressant, actually. Good home remedy.

What a beautiful name for a new baby. I hope you might post some pics????

Vic said...

Its tough to be honest sometimes - even with this crowd.

Grandfather? Oh my gosh. Should I change the image of you I have in my head? Seriously...congrats. Beautiful name.

Bruce said...

I've been there, Fuzz; more times than I care to remember. But somehow, I find my way back. It's not always easy, but then no one ever said it would be.
Congrats on becoming a grandpa, btw...

starbender said...

Fuzz~I wear the same face everyday!
Congrats on that new adition 2 the family! I luv the name!
:)

angel, jr. said...

First of all congrats on the granddaughter.
I think I've been in the same sort of funk. I'm not happy where my life has been or even currently where it is at. But I have faith that God will get me through it. And I know that there will be an event that will let me know that the funk is over, that the good times will start rolling again. Hang in there buddy. You'll reach the shore sometime soon, storms can't last forever.

Green Eyes said...

I'm glad you went ahead and posted that, Fuzz.

And congrats on the baby, glad everyone's doing well!

:P fuzzbox said...

ella: Payment does help. Thanks,soon I will be sitting on the front porch whittling and whistling through dentures. Nah I don't see that happening for a while.

big d: :)

cd: I do have my darkside moments. But even Vader came back from the darkside in the end.

phoenix: I never knew that about ice cream. Maybe that is why I smile every time I pass a Dairy Queen. I will ask Angry Joyce if she minds. She is a stickler for anonymity.

vic: I am only 41 so I am a bit on the young side for a Grampa so picture me any way you wish. I liked the name too. Thanks.

bruce: I get these feelings less and less as I get older. I was prone to them quite often in my 20's. I guess we get used to dealing with them. You are very right sometimes it is hard to get back. But no one said that it was going to be easy.

starbender: Thanks, I appreciate it.

:P fuzzbox said...

angel jr: I know that you will find your happy place once more. You are probably in a busy and stressful place in your life with your boards coming up. I have found my place in the sun. Your faith should lead you to yours.

green eyes: I was worried how folks would react. Thanks for everything. And thanks all are well.

ozymandiaz said...

So the line of Fuzz carries on. Congrats on the bratz. As for the funk, well, everyone likes to dump on depression but I say enjoy it while you got it. You know the old saying "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone"? Well it's true. The only damn thing in this life that may be yours and ONLY yours is your depression. So wallow in it when it comes along. Let others wonder how you haven't capped yourself yet because you experience such anguish. Then get really fucking drunk, that’s what my analyst says.

ozymandiaz said...

Oh, and if it weren't for depression I wouldn't have any good poetry.

Ranea said...

Vent all you want. We will listen. We might be of much help, or comfort. But we will listen.
Papaw Fuzz,that rocks! Are you going to get Faith a baby battle axe?:D

Mimi said...

Congratulations Grandad! Faith is a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl!

I am glad your rough time passed. And I am glad you shared your feelings on it. I will always be happy to lend a ear (or should I say eye) to you!

Perplexio said...

Fuzz: This is a bit unrelated but I was just reading Dantallion's Can[n]on blog and his most recent post seems like an exceptional topic for the Beauty vs. the Beast blog. I don't believe he reads that blog, but I am going to point him in that direction as I think he has the potential to be an interesting guest poster there (if he were ever approached to do so). Just wanted to share-- now back to the regularly scheduled insanity.

siren said...

Congratulations, Fuzz, on the new granddaughter. A beautiful name :)

And it's your blog, you have the right to say what you want. People can take it or leave it. We can't be sunshine and rainbows all of the time. I think it makes you a real person, and I'm glad you share that side of you.

:P fuzzbox said...

ozy: I thought it was, 'Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and I'll give you something to cry about you little bastard.' Or that's the way I remember it from my father.

ranea: That would be cool. Wonder if they have one in a teething ring.

perplexio: I went over there and checked his post out. If he contacted me, I would gladly give him a shot.

siren: Thank you. You are far too kind.

Perplexio said...

Fuzz: Even if he isn't interested in contributing I think he may have stumbled upon a good topic for a future posting over on B vs. B

April said...

oh, congratulations, Grandpa!! :)

Don't mention clowns....omg, how I hate clowns...

Everybody gets in those funks sometimes. Damn part of life.

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: I don't know it was pretty much a one sided diatribe against cheating women. Maybe the guy has issues but maybe it could be reworked.

april: I think everyone hates clowns except for maybe Ronald. I'm luvin' it.

the weirdgirl said...

I know how you feel. I get in those moods, too, every once in a while. Mostly I can deal with it internally (i.e. not take it out on those around me) but if my hubby starts acting like a jackass - whoo, does he get it! Since he's usually more cranky than I in general (I'm usually pretty upbeat) he always looks a little blindsided when I do that. (I guess in every relationship you have one person crankier than the other, hmmm?)

And I think you should always feel free to vent about whatever you're going through. That's how I use my blog. Congratulations on your granddaughter! That's my baptismal name (one of my middles).

Perplexio said...

I agree, right now it's just the male perpspective... If we could find a female perspective on the same topic, then you'd have material for a post.

Michael said...

Fuzz-
Usually three fingers of Ouzo and a few beers does the trick for me.

~Michael

Keshi said...

WC to the world Faith! Congratts Fuzzy on becoming a granpa :)


**and I do all that is expected of me.

isnt this what most of us do...try to live up to the expectations of the society..I hate it...and I try not to live that way altho it's really hard.

When u have time, read this post 'Masquerade' that I wrote some time back...

http://keshigirl.blogspot.com/2005_10_05_keshigirl_archive.html

It shows exactly how I feel too, sometimes...sad but the way of the world is such.

I hope ur feeling much better today and that ur mask-free :)

TC mate,
Keshi.

Keshi said...

Fuzzy I just left some comments in few of ur recent posts that I couldnt reply to u b4...:)

Have a great long weekend!
Keshi.

Fuckkit said...

Where's the point in having a blog if you can't air your true feelings?
Glad to hear ya feelin more yourself, grandad ;)

:P fuzzbox said...

weirdgirl: I am pretty much one of those permagrin guys although mine looks more like a smirk. You are absolutly right about one thing. When the grin comes off you can get peoples attention.

perplexio: That's what's great about BvB. There are two sides to most every story.

michael: That should work just as good.

keshi: You are right. We should all be content to walk to the beat of our own drummer. Sometimes when the beat gets to erratic, I have a tendency to walk to a more familiar tune and I get a little jerky.

fuckkit: Thanks, I appreciate it. I try to keep it upbeat around here since that is how I am most of the time. It's good to know that when I am not, people understand.

Reiki said...

fuxx, you'd be surprised how many people have felt the same way. people just don't like to talk about feeling that way because our society rewards those who wear the biggest fucking smiles on their faces - genuine or not. fyi, i am glad you posted it, but you can save it "offline" by keeping it a draft. That's what I did with all my previous posts because I didn't want to delete them completely. congrats grampa fuxx!