Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The Hunt: Episode Two - From The Jaws of Victory
When we arrived back at camp, the gang were tired and hungry. The only other member of the hunt to bring any sort of foodstuff was Phred, who had brought a case of vending machine goodies topheavy on the granola bar side of the food pyramid. Crazy Dan immediately harassed Phred over his choice of victuals. He launched his assault, "Damn Phred Phucker granola bars aren't food. That shit is what you put out to bait squirrels." Sensing an escalation in hostilities, I retrieved the sandwiches that Angry Joyce had packed for us. I was scared to eat them myself for Angry Joyce's last words to me were, ' Here's your damned sandwiches. I have been up since the crack of noon making them. Hope you and those morons enjoy.'
I offered the guys the sandwiches and grabbed a granola bar saying that I wasn't really all that hungry and a granola bar was all that I needed. When the guys opened the bag, I was happy that Phred had brought the vending machine grub. I do not know where Angry Joyce was able to find the culinary delights served up by 'Fear Factor' but she really had outdone herself ( I am going to have to ask her where she found a banana slug on such short notice.) As Cleveland, Phred, and Crazy Dan were staring at their sandwiches with a look of horror and shock, Big D was putting those sandwiches away like a starving man at an all you can eat T-Bone Steak Buffet. After Big D had finished his fill of 'Fear Factor' sandwiches, and the rest of us had consumed a portion of the vending machine goodies, we all tucked in for a days rest.
When we awoke and drank a bit of cowboy coffee and snacked on a few granola bars, I told them of my plan. " The problem last night was that we were just situated in the wrong spots, " I said. We then reformulated our set up. Crazy Dan and Phred would guard the entrance to the canyon. This would alleviate Crazy Dan of the temptation of the goats and he could also keep a close eye on Phred in case any deer in the area mistook him for a doe in heat. Cleveland would keep an eye out on top of the canyon. This would save him from being shot in the ass if he had another attack of loose bowels. Big D and I would sneak in amongst the goats and bag the chupacabras when they attacked.
The plan was working perfectly. Eventhough we had been waiting patiently for hours, there was none of the hi-jinks of the night before. As the moon broke between the clouds, Big D and I spotted two chupacabras hopping through the brush. We waited until we saw the whites of their eyes through the moonlight and attacked. I was able to get off a clean shot from the PS-52 laser slingshot. One of the chupacabras was knocked flat out. Big D rushed the other one in a surprise attack and completely beheaded the beast with the replica sword of Anduril.
Victory was ours as we had managed to kill one chupacabra to roast over the campfire and had one live chupa to give over to scientists for a nominal fee. The rest of the A-Team rushed over and we rejoiced greatly in our victory making our way back to the camp.
We tied the live chupacabra to a mesquite tree and when he came to you have never seen such a damned racket in your life. They are vicious little beasties, have no doubt. Phred and I proceeded to gut and clean the other chupacabra as Crazy Dan and Big D went to stoke up the campfire. Cleveland ran to his tent and produced a bottle of hot sauce that he had brought especially for the wings.
Just as we finished cleaning the Chupa, I heard those vocalizations again. I stared a hole through Cleveland but he immediately stated that he had set his cell phone to vibrate. No sooner had the words escaped his mouth, when a mighty roar erupted and the sounds of clanging metal and the blast of gunfire shattered the silence of the night. The smell of the blood of the chupacabra must have aroused the BigFoots and we were under attack.
To be continued.....
The Authorized Version.