Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Hunt: Episode Two - From The Jaws of Victory


When we arrived back at camp, the gang were tired and hungry. The only other member of the hunt to bring any sort of foodstuff was Phred, who had brought a case of vending machine goodies topheavy on the granola bar side of the food pyramid. Crazy Dan immediately harassed Phred over his choice of victuals. He launched his assault, "Damn Phred Phucker granola bars aren't food. That shit is what you put out to bait squirrels." Sensing an escalation in hostilities, I retrieved the sandwiches that Angry Joyce had packed for us. I was scared to eat them myself for Angry Joyce's last words to me were, ' Here's your damned sandwiches. I have been up since the crack of noon making them. Hope you and those morons enjoy.'

I offered the guys the sandwiches and grabbed a granola bar saying that I wasn't really all that hungry and a granola bar was all that I needed. When the guys opened the bag, I was happy that Phred had brought the vending machine grub. I do not know where Angry Joyce was able to find the culinary delights served up by 'Fear Factor' but she really had outdone herself ( I am going to have to ask her where she found a banana slug on such short notice.) As Cleveland, Phred, and Crazy Dan were staring at their sandwiches with a look of horror and shock, Big D was putting those sandwiches away like a starving man at an all you can eat T-Bone Steak Buffet. After Big D had finished his fill of 'Fear Factor' sandwiches, and the rest of us had consumed a portion of the vending machine goodies, we all tucked in for a days rest.

When we awoke and drank a bit of cowboy coffee and snacked on a few granola bars, I told them of my plan. " The problem last night was that we were just situated in the wrong spots, " I said. We then reformulated our set up. Crazy Dan and Phred would guard the entrance to the canyon. This would alleviate Crazy Dan of the temptation of the goats and he could also keep a close eye on Phred in case any deer in the area mistook him for a doe in heat. Cleveland would keep an eye out on top of the canyon. This would save him from being shot in the ass if he had another attack of loose bowels. Big D and I would sneak in amongst the goats and bag the chupacabras when they attacked.

The plan was working perfectly. Eventhough we had been waiting patiently for hours, there was none of the hi-jinks of the night before. As the moon broke between the clouds, Big D and I spotted two chupacabras hopping through the brush. We waited until we saw the whites of their eyes through the moonlight and attacked. I was able to get off a clean shot from the PS-52 laser slingshot. One of the chupacabras was knocked flat out. Big D rushed the other one in a surprise attack and completely beheaded the beast with the replica sword of Anduril.

Victory was ours as we had managed to kill one chupacabra to roast over the campfire and had one live chupa to give over to scientists for a nominal fee. The rest of the A-Team rushed over and we rejoiced greatly in our victory making our way back to the camp.

We tied the live chupacabra to a mesquite tree and when he came to you have never seen such a damned racket in your life. They are vicious little beasties, have no doubt. Phred and I proceeded to gut and clean the other chupacabra as Crazy Dan and Big D went to stoke up the campfire. Cleveland ran to his tent and produced a bottle of hot sauce that he had brought especially for the wings.

Just as we finished cleaning the Chupa, I heard those vocalizations again. I stared a hole through Cleveland but he immediately stated that he had set his cell phone to vibrate. No sooner had the words escaped his mouth, when a mighty roar erupted and the sounds of clanging metal and the blast of gunfire shattered the silence of the night. The smell of the blood of the chupacabra must have aroused the BigFoots and we were under attack.

To be continued.....

The Authorized Version.

32 comments:

Green Eyes said...

Arm yourselves! LMAO!

This just keeps getting better and better!

Curare_Z said...

I love it when a plan comes together.

If the Bigfoot turns out to be B.A. Baracus, I'm going to choke.

cleveland said...

not phunny my ass still hurts (thinking of shaving)

Ranea said...

Don't leave us hanging. Are the teenage girls safe or not!LOL:D

angel, jr. said...

Hilarious!
Nothing like hunting.
Do you think Chupa skin will make for a great pair of shoes? A much more airborn football?

:P fuzzbox said...

green eyes: Thanks, I appreciate it.

cz: No BA but plenty of BS in the next installment.

cleveland: That might be a good idea.

ranea: From the Beasties or Crazy Dan?

angel: Their hide is pretty tough. Maybe it would make for some tough longlasting boots.

Anonymous said...

I BET THAT THING TASTE LIKE AN OWL

siren said...

I'm on the edge of my seat :) Nice move, separating Crazy Dan from the goats, it sounds like your plan came together perfectly. And you'll have to let me know if the buffalo chupa wings were any good :)

ozymandiaz said...

Just like them f'n mythelogical beasts to protect each other.

:P fuzzbox said...

anon: When you are hungry enough it doesn't make a hoot how it tastes.

siren: Did you check out the link to the hot sauce? That's gotta be good.

ozy: An incestuous bunch huh. How bout them Gators?

guerrilla blogger said...

kick ass adventure...
Jon Krakauer has nothing on you...

Sherri said...

This is a damn good story!! Love it! LOL

I think you need a chupa skin cap. :D

Ben Heller said...

This needs to be serialised for a TV series Fuzz. Keep it going.

:P fuzzbox said...

gb: Thank you. I love the way Johnny Depp describes the motivation he uses to describe the way he looks at charectors so I will do it form my little story. It is basically Night of the Sasquatch meets Deliverance meets Star Wars.

sherri: Thanks, That would make a cool cap.

ben: Good idea and now that Peirce Brosnan is out of the James Bond thing. I think he could be great as me.

The Phoenix said...

Mmmmm...chupa chalupa.

Laurie said...

LOL... this story is great.

Chupa chalupas, I think the Phoenix is on to something. Taco Bell's latest creation?

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: That does have a nice ring to it.

laurie: Thanks :)

siren said...

Fuzz - Ha! That hot sauce sound like it would set your ass on fire...literally :)

the weirdgirl said...

Are you going to go into business? Now opening a Chupa Bell near you?

Keep it coming, fuzz!

David Amulet said...

You have me on the edge of my seat! Was there a heinous attack? What became of our intrepid warriors?

Where's the beef?

-- david

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: What a label? Scary.

weirdgirl: Next month, lesbian sci-fi erotica. Gonna put in a good word for me? ;)

david: Stay tuned tomorrow. Same Bat Time Same Bat Channel. The answers to these questions and many more await.

Reiki said...

Fuxx
Is this graceful enough? I don't think your posts are crazy in the slighest...

:P fuzzbox said...

dear jane: I can't remember the last time I was called fuxx. I luv it. Be back tomorrow and I guarentee you will call me certifiable.

kornfedrednek said...

fuzz ya had me until you said angry joyce mad ya'll shit samiches. say it aint so!
between the granola and the wings,........woooo doggies.
I will have to get some of that hot sauce.
I see a book signing in your near future......ahh...who would Billy Bob play in the movie?

4/4/06

:P fuzzbox said...

kfredneck: If Billy Bob grows out a good Texas Size moustache, he has the part of Phred.

Keshi said...

ROFLMAO!

**granola bars aren't food. That shit is what you put out to bait squirrels

thats so true..I dunno how my sis eats that fish food lol!

Keshi.

Metal Mark said...

Man, all the cool game must be Texas. Just deer and rabbit here in Maryland.

starbender said...

haha... So far, so good! I missed yesterdays, :"( But now I'm all caught up! U'r killin me fuzz. This is hilarious!!! Yrs. ago, I worked 4 videoHits 1, and everyone there called me Cleveland! Hahahaa!
I've been trying 2 rent chupacabra at Blockbuster-but it is NEVER in.
So tell us - does it taste like Chicken???
;]

kornfedrednek said...

I have been pondering...again,
you got 2 of em. were they male or female, and how could you tell the diff, and which one did you eat, and which one did ya save?
evil grin here

:P fuzzbox said...

keshi: That is a wonder.

metal mark: The best game here could be called exotic.

starbender: Episode Three tells the tale.

kfrednek: ;)

jane said...

This is much like reading the Hardy Boys, except they didn't have loose bowels, cowboy coffee, chupacubras, EXCITE!, or fear factor burgers.

:P fuzzbox said...

Hardy Boys for a new generation. I like the sound of that.