Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Hunt: Episode Three - Truths Revealed



As the sound of clanging metal, the blast of gunfire, and the roar of an unnatural beast shattered the stillness of the night, Phred, Cleveland and I rushed to the sound of the Bigfoot attack. When we arrived, Big D and Crazy Dan were being tossed around like rag dolls by three of the largest mangiest beasts that I have ever seen. Not waiting for the others behind me, I launched myself for the attack. Just as I reached the foul smelling beasts, the entire area was bathed in an eery green light and a strange throbbing hum vibrated me to my very bone.

The Bigfoots covered their ears and howled in pain then ran through the brush. I turned around and Phred and Cleveland were staring up into the night sky with a wondrous look of awe on their face. As I turned to look at the direction of their gaze, I saw a strange craft in the night sky. It looked almost like an old camper trailer but it seemed to me that the thing was held together by duct tape and a prayer. Just as I mused on the bravery that it must take to ride in such a rust bucket, a shaft of light shot out of the craft. I felt as if a cat had walked across my grave and every hair on my back stood upon end and then all was dark.

When I regained my senses, I realized that I had been transported to the alien craft. I looked around and it appeared that I was the only member of the hunting party to be transported to the alien craft. I was alone in the midst of various extraterriestrial creatures. Some appeared alien much like the classic vision of aliens in popular culture but there was one creature that appeared human and seemed to be the leader of the group. He walked up to me and said, " Fuzz, I'm yo Daddy." I could not run and was too shocked to fight, so I sat and waited for an explanation.

The alien explained to me that in 1965, while on a routine scouting mission from the planet Yonder with his mate and infant son, his ship experienced craft trouble. ( I could not doubt the idea of craft trouble. If this was the same craft. I don't know how he got it out of the garage, much less travel through space.) He repaired the craft to the best of his ability but was afraid of being able to complete the return journey. Both him and his mate were concerned for the safety of their infant son. Since their appearance was a duplicate of human they waited by the side of the road waiting for a car to come along and offer assistance. A young couple came along down Highway 82. The aliens took the young couple into their confidence and they agreed to care for the child as their own until the aliens could return if they were able.

The alien then explained that due to various complacations he had not been able to return for quite some time. He had been on various search missions to find me but his ship had never before regestered my genetic markers. He then seemed animated as he hugged me and told me that I could now go home. He then paused awaiting my response.

While letting the whole story soak into my brain, I asked the alien where my friends were. He replied that they were being prepped for anal probing. I told him to stop. These were my friends and should not be subjected to any sort of probing, particularly of the anal variety. The creature, who claimed to be my father, then instructed one of the strange looking extraterrestrials to go and halt all examinations of the humans.

After only a few more seconds, the impact of his speech hit me in full force and I formulated my response. "I have always known that I was a bit out there so I guess it isn't a complete shocker to be from out there. But this is my home and here I must stay." , I replied.

The alien, who told me his name was Slix Bob 69, appeared saddened but then told me that I must learn of my heritage. He took me to what appeared to be a computer monitor and affixed various wires to my head. It was just like in 'The Matrix', images pored into my brain and soon I knew the entire history of the planet of my birth ( actually I was born on a moon of the planet Yonder, known as OverYonder.). I learned of my father and mother and the sacrifice that they had made to ensure my safety.

The aliens then transported us back to our campsite. I told the others of what had happened to me. They did not appear to doubt me. I suppose that they had seen enough strange things this night, that this seemed believable. We then turned our attentions back to the chupacabras but they were gone. In their place were only the tracks of theiving Bigfoots.

The hunting trip was over. We went our seperate ways for we had a lot to think about. The world is indeed a strange place. I noticed that Phred walked with a slight gimp while heading to his truck. I asked him what happened. When he turned around, I could see the answer in his eyes. Sorry I didn't speak up sooner, my friend.

The End. For now.......

The Authorized Version.

40 comments:

kornfedrednek said...

lmao,
you are one of a kind fuzz
you will be telling this one to your grandchildren
poor phred, I bet if it was his story, you'd got the probe ;)

Ranea said...

Poor Phred he always gets the short end of the stick.Or should I say he always gets the stick. ROFLMFAO!!

ozymandiaz said...

Uh...
Remind me, if it ever comes up, to offer an emphatic "NO!" if you ever ask me to go hunting with you, OK? If for no other reason than the possibility of your repressed anal probing tendencies may arise...

p.s. I think i could glean a pretty good poem out of all this

cleveland said...

the shave went nicely and impecable timing fuzz but i dont think phred will ever go hunting with us again

:P fuzzbox said...

kfrednek: It's probably a good thing that I am one of a kind. Both Phred and Big D are writing versions of the hunt. They are to be found on my sidebar as Phred's World and West Texas Rocks. I believe Cleveland will be doing a summary over at Clutchput soon. That is also on my sidebar. Crazy Dan might be doing something soon over at West Texas Rocks.

ranea: That was probably a little Crazy Dan influence on me.

ozy: The poem idea is great. If you would like to post one, here on Blugstuff, I would be honored. If you would like to do it on your site, give me a holler and I will link you.

cleveland: Glad you enjoyed the fresh shave.

Sherri said...

LOL! Now that you've met your birth father, do you plan on keeping in touch??

:P fuzzbox said...

Also, there is a new post up at Beauty vs. The Beast. My thanks to Metal Mark and Mimi for guest posting. I will write a bit of a lead in post tomorrow, but for now, I would appreciate everyone going over there and checking it out.

Green Eyes said...

Who would have thunk it? I bet it all makes perfect sense to Joyce.

Over Yonder, roflmao!

Perplexio said...

So, are aliens the true and original source of the Indigo children that Phoenix recently posted about over on his blog?

:P fuzzbox said...

sherri: My wife has always wanted to go to an exotic locale for a vacation. Maybe I can arrange for a trip to my homeland ;)

green eyes: I am sure she wasn't surprised at all.

perplexio: I do not give any credence to the new age mumbo jumbo of 'indigo children'. Personnally I feel that it is a way for these hippyster parents who mollycoddle their kids, to say that their kids are special and not want to admit that they are spoiled brats.

angel, jr. said...

Cartman and the Anal Probe--one of my favorite South Park episodes.

Wow,aliens, chupacabras, and bigfoot!!! Great adventure. You should make a movie. It would be better than "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe".

Mimi said...

Are you sure you didn't eat a slug that Angry Joyce packed? I am sure that could cause hallucinations.

Curare_Z said...

Your "dad" had the nerve to come back after all this time to try and reclaim you as his own. How dare he. ;-)

But, at least you now know "your story." And knowing is half the battle.

:P fuzzbox said...

angel jr: I will need to do some good casting. Have any suggestions?

mimi: Didn't touch the stuff? If they gave me 50 G's to do it on 'Fear Factor', I might but not for nothing.

cz: He was just doing the best he could. If you would have seen that rust bucket you would understand what he went through to find me ;) It's a lot like my work pick-up.

siren said...

So it's true...the answers are out there :) Thanks for sharing your story, Fuzz!

Perplexio said...

Fuzz: I know what you mean about spoiled brats... I find them only slightly less annoying than spoiled brawts. I mean you've got to get them soaking up that beer right after you open up the packaging. Spoiled brawts are any brawts that aren't cooked in beer. And keep the sauerkraut and mustard handy too!

the weirdgirl said...

Ah, fuzz, this explains so many things. But don't you have brothers? Where does that put them in relation to your mightly alieness?

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: The answers are indeeed out there. Way out there.

perplexio: Beer makes everything better. Brats are more tolerable and Brauts grill up better.

weirdgirl: I don't really know. That is something to think about. Maybe I am their step-alien and they are my step-humans.

Big D said...

I don't believe Phred was anally probed. His heriocs helped saved the team.

Perplexio said...

GOOD beer makes everything better. There are truly some beers which are not fit for human consumption.

The Phoenix said...

Did you happen to see Bob while you were up there? He's from West Texas.

:P fuzzbox said...

big d: He was a big man to take one for the team.

perplexio: Sometimes one has to suffer for effect. The cheapest can of beer still grills up some fine beer can chicken.

phoenix: Just Slix Bob. Of course, I didn't see the anal probe room though.

Perplexio said...

Beer for cooking vs. Beer for drinking are two different standards by which to judge beer.

For cooking you can get away with Natty Light or Old Milwaukee's Be(a)st.

For drinking I need something stronger, darker, less carbonated... something like Guinness, MacEwan's, or Spaten.

Crazy Dan said...

What an adventure that was, though I think you were being a bit of a prude you should have went ahead a let me give phred the cure for anal rape.

jane said...

If ever there was Jerry Springer material, this is it! I'm glad you survived & sorry to hear about Phred's puckerbutt. Maybe he'll be a gentler soul on the dance floor next time, eh?

:P fuzzbox said...

perplexio: If you like dark beers, get some Shiner Bock if you get a chance. It is good stuff and their lagar, Shiner Blonde, is good stuff as well.

cd: Sometimes the cure is worse than the sickness. Shoot me an e-mail will ya, I seem to have lost your address.

jane: He will certainly be light on his feet for awhile.

phred said...

OORAH !!
I twisted my ankle whilst defending humanity. OORAH !!

ELVIS Lives!!!!!

phred said...

ARRRRRGH !
The rumors of my violatation have been Greatly exaggerated !!

:P fuzzbox said...

Don't be ashamed for taking one for the team, phred. You are still a hero in my book.

phred said...

violation??

RAVEN the PITA said...

Oh sure creat a hilarious sci-fi coverup story that has poor phreddie buttplugged just so you could get out of telling everyone you shot zilch!!

RAVEN the PITA said...

...and dont call me on that typo cuz then I'll have to call you on yours! ;-)

Metal Mark said...

Bigfoot,chupacabras and aliens, oh, my! (Bet you can't say that three times real fast).

Keshi said...

lol good end good story!

Rock on Fuzzy!
Keshi.

starbender said...

I luv sci-fi! U did a great job! POOR PHRED! (maybe he should have been held together with ducktape!)
:o

David Amulet said...

Great job! But I have to ask ... any good, solid evidence of the alien encounter?

-- david

phred said...

David, I have a picture( taken by Cleveland ) of their space craft on my blog.

:P fuzzbox said...

phred and pita: I never call typos on commments they need to put spell check on these damn things.

metal mark: I wouldn't even try.

keshi: Thanks :)

starbender: Ouch, I don't know about duct tape. You do remember the breakfast club scene.

david: Like all good alien encounters only fuzzy pics and eyewitness accounts.

phred: He should have got elvis.

Perplexio said...

Fuzz, thanks for the beer recommendation. I live for dark beers! Sea Dog puts out a "Hazlenut Porter" that I thoroughly enjoy. Have you ever tried that? It can be found at some of the more upscale wine/liquor stores out there. They also put out a "Blueberry Wheat" which is "interesting" it's worth having once in awhile, but the blueberry flavor gets old FAST.

:P fuzzbox said...

I have tried several different varieties of wheat beer but never with blueberries. I will see if I can get some Sea Dog but I have never seen it in this region. Thanks for the heads up.