Friday, April 28, 2006

Blogger Ate It

I generally write my posts late in the evening, save it as a draft, and publish my post the next morning. Last night I wrote a post, stuck in four links, and pasted a pic that took an hour and a half to find. This morning it is gone I really don't have time this morning to rewrite it but I like to have a fresh post up daily. Therefore I decided to dig up an old post from the archives. It is from a while back so hopefully it will be new to most everyone.

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The Fine Art Of Manscaping:
A Head to Toe Primer

As men grow older, we all find that hair can pop up in the most unappealing and unhoped for places. To the best of my knowledge no one has attempted a total body grooming guide for the real man so I have took it upon myself to tackle the subject.

1) The noggin - Remember that there is no such thing as a good combover and a good rug is hard to find and damned expensive. Most rugs look as if you have a dead animal camped out on your head. If you are balding you might as well shave the whole damn thing provided you have a good smooth noggin free of any scars, blemishes, or bumps. If you do wear a cap or let your bald spot shine on.

2) The eyebrows - Unless you are attempting a world record or have entered a drag queen Brooke Sheilds look alike contest trim your eyebrows before they start rubbing your sunglasses.

3) The nose - For god's sake trim your nosehairs before they merge with your moustache. That is nasty and no one needs to see that. Get one of those rotary cutters that you just stick in your nose and voila no hair. It works for your ears too.

4) Facial Hair - This is a personal preference issue. Clean shaven, bearded, or goateed is all good provided it is kept trim and neat. Long beards might work for ZZ Top and Santa Claus but not so much for the rest of us and Elvis sideburns are out of the question. As an old sage told me long ago, "Never cultivate anything on your face that grows wild on your ass".

5) Chest Hair - Don't worry about it. A lot of women dig it unless it grows so thick that it doubles for a turtleneck sweater. The only others shaving it are body builders, gays, or extremly pussy-whipped sissy boys. If you don't fit in these four catagories, forget about it.

6) Back hair - If you have a significant other have them shave it. It shows love on their part and an obscene amount of backhair is sick. If you have the bucks opt for laser hair removal.

7) Pubes - Trim if you want more trim. From your significant other to some skank on the streetcorner, they all will go down quicker if they don't have to choke on two foot pubic hair.

8) Ass - Let it go wild. Kiss my hairy ass sounds so much better than just Kiss my ass.

9) Legs - Unless you are an athlete needing taped or living on the pink side of life don't worry about it. The exception that proves the rule are those with mermaids tattooed on their calves. No one wants to see a bearded fish woman.

Hopefully this guide will be helpful. Remember it is not a comprehensive map but only a starter guide. Try to remember that you want to be presentable enough to score with the ladies but not so prissy that you score with the men. So get a beard trimmer and a nose hair clipper and embark on your way to avoid being mistaken for a Sasquatch.

42 comments:

:P fuzzbox said...

Siren and I have a new post up on BvB. It is not a head to head battle but it is a fun post. Hope you get a chance to check it out.

The Phoenix said...

Sorry blogger ate your post. I hate when that happens.

As far as body hair goes, I'm fortunate that I'm not a hairy person. The back hair thing has to be the nastiest!

Scientifically speaking, body hair and the goosebumps reflex are supposed to work together to keep you warm. Thank God human ingenuity invented sweaters.

Crazy Dan said...

I think it is just a case of NOt doing shit on friday. But I think we will forgive you this rehashed post although my picture of the hairy back with the hart shaved it it was better.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait until Crazy_Dan shows me his post about this!!

April said...

Thanks for the public service announcement. I, as a woman, greatly appreciate it!

BUT...ewwwwwwwwww. Don't ever ask me to shave your back hair. It is SO not a good thing. The ex would ask me to do it. NO fuckin' way.

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: I thought goosebumps were ghost detectors.

cd: That was a cool pic.

anon: I can't wait til he brings back AGS.

april: Angry Joyce isn't to happy about it either but she would rather do that than braid it.

ozymandiaz said...

My wife actually likes the olong kinky hairs that grow from my eyebrows. Wierd eh? She doesn't go so far as to get mad when I cut them or anything but she says they are cute. Whatever.
Fortunatley for me my bloodline isn't furry.

Mimi said...

Very good guidelines. They should be handed out to every man when they are 21. Or sooner in some cases. I think its a sexy look when balding guys just shave it. And as far as body hair, I am not wild about how it is sprouting up all over my husband the past few years. But unless he becomes an ape, I don't want him shaving more of his body than I do mine.

Catch said...

I agree with Mimi about guys who are bald...I think they are generally very sexy looking. I once had a date with a guy who had hair sticking up out of his shirt...ewwwwwwwww..I knew I wasnt gonna go out with him twice! This is a very good list Fuzz!!!

Ann Alsex said...

Bald is so sexy!

Vic said...

Very informative Fuzz! I'm especially with you on the noggin! Bald head are soooo sexy, Ann is right! Example: American Idol Chris. Hello? Yummy! But, I must question the ass hair. That's just wrong!

:P fuzzbox said...

ozy: If only Angry Joyce was that understanding. She is always comparing my brows to caterpillers when I go to long without trimming.

mimi: Just how much shaving do you do? ;)

catch: I have an old friend with the turtle neck look when he wears a tee shirt. Crazee stuff.

ann: I speak for all bald men when I say thank you for that.

vic: But it helps get a handle on the situation in certain situations. ;)

guerrilla blogger said...

i need to find a chick who digs balding guys with hairy tattooed backs...not for me, for my, um..."friend"...i like writing in the evening, sadly i can't now, i miss it...

starbender said...

fuzz~ U crack me up! This was once again a great post! heheee, Luv'd the ..."Never cultivate anything on your face that grows wild on your ass"!
Yes, old posts can be Good Posts!
;]

I haven't had any posts eaten, but I can't 4 the life of me, post ANIMATIONS!!! What's the problem? Anybody know? I have many really cool ones, they just won't post! :"(

Green Eyes said...

I've never had to deal with a man with back hair, but I'm with April. Go get a wax Fuzz, save Angry Joyce!

My exhusband had the Elvis sideburns, He asked me to trim them with the clippers and I accidentally went too high and messed them up. Ooops! *evil grins

:P fuzzbox said...

gb: When a person finds one they certainly shouldn't let go.

starbender: I really don't know about animations. Perhaps there is a way to embed a player. If someone out there knows about that.

green eyes: Good work on the sideburns. But waxing? That is just barbaric. The Horror!!!

dragonflyfilly said...

oh my gosh, is this photo for real...i like chest hair on a man...but this is a bit much, even for me....sorry man...whoever you are...[the hot wax is always on simmer, - so come on over is you can stand a little short-term pain...lol!]

cheers,
pj

Anonymous said...

that is seriously the hariest guy I have ever seen! Yikes!

Anonymous said...

That has to be the FUNNIEST shit I have read in a long time! Thanks for the laugh!

Bruce said...

That dude makes Robin Williams look like a Mexican hairless.

Green Eyes said...

Oh, Fuzz, I'm so disappointed. A man like you, who hunts chupacabras for sport, is afraid of a little thing like waxing?

:P fuzzbox said...

dragonfly filly: That guys pain might not be such short term with a waxjob. YEEEOOOWWWW. Thanks for dropping in. BTW, I think your user name is way cool.

anon 1: To quote School House Rock,' He was a hairy bear. He was a scary bear. So I retreated from his lair and described him with adjectives. Man that was one big ugly bear.'

anon 2: Thank you so much. I appreciate that greatly.

bruce: He is a fuzzy one for sure.

green eyes: It is not fear of the pain. It is a fear that by ripping out the amount of hair that it would call for would rip the top layer of my hide off. Leaving me like a denuded Chia pet.

siren said...

Another valuable public service you've provided, Fuzz. I saw that pic and had a flashback to Planet of the Apes.

Laurie said...

I went out with a guy who shaved his legs for swimming - and I have to say that razor stubble on a guy's legs weirded me out totally!

And yeah, bald is beautiful! A combover or toupee is just wrong.

CT said...

LOL, that was great... down with the monkey men... LOL

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: Flashbacks are my specialty.

laurie: That reason for a guy shaving his legs never occured to me. Cool. Razor stubble on the legs can be weird especcially if it rubs your ears the wrong way ;)

ct: That guy is definantly the missing link.

Metal Mark said...

When the hair started falling out of my was about the same time it started to grow in a bunch of places where I don't want or need it.

the weirdgirl said...

I hate it when these blog apps eat my post!! One of the Typepad helpdesk people was actually giving me grief because I don't compose my posts in the app, but cut and paste it from Word. They wanted me to stop doing that (because it's easier for them). And I told them their helpdesk wasn't very helpful.

:P fuzzbox said...

metal mark: It doesn't really fall out does it. It just relocates.

weirdgirl: Helpdesks rarely live up to their name no matter what outfit you need help from. When I find one that actually is, I appreciate it greatly and will let them know.

Michael said...

Fuzz-
You would have thought I'd learn by now. I can't read your blog first thing in the morning. You're costing me a fortune in new underwear. This was really funny and better still, I could relate to every single "grooming point".
I know a few guys that have so much hair they resemble silverback gorillas. Eewww..
As far as the noggin' goes, when I turn 75, I want to start a GB/Wedding band and call it "Comb-over 5000"
Awesome post.

~Michael

:P fuzzbox said...

Thanks, just don't send me your laundry.

David Amulet said...

Excellent post, and a good guide. Thakfully, you didn't describe hair on the palms.

-- david

:P fuzzbox said...

That might have pushed my PG-13 rating.

dragonflyfilly said...

hey there :p fuzzbox, i like your name too, curious about it's meaning, if any??? - BTW, I have the four plastic "artifacts" who inspired the name, on my balcony, much to the chagrin of my neighbours! lol...

pain...yeah...well you know, it was the Buddha i think who said: "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"...he could take a Rx. painkiller before the, uh...waxing...i wonder if he would be cooler w/o all the "fur"?

...come over and see me sometime...

cheers for now,
pj

:P fuzzbox said...

My user name is something that I rarely think about much anymore as most people including myself shorten it to Fuzz. Actually my name denotes me as a lesbian trapped in a mans body. The first name :P was taken from someone who e-mails me at work and invariably uses that tongue sticking out icon. The second name is well I will let you guess that one.

I will stop by and in fact will add you to my blogroll. Give me a holler back if you want me to take it off. I get a bit twisted at times.

Keshi said...

hahaha what a HAIRY post!

**you want to be presentable enough to score with the ladies but not so prissy that you score with the men.

LOL!

Keshi.

Perplexio said...

One of my friends and I once discussed writing a horror movie about a woman with an unkempt vagina-- We were going to call it Snatchsquatch. (or would that just be a female Sasquatch?). I don't mind a little hair, but when one needs to get out the hedge clippers or a machete to get through her tropical rain forest-- well better watch out for... SNATCHSQUATCH!

:P fuzzbox said...

keshi: It's a thin line.

perplexio: It can be a jungle out there.

dragonflyfilly said...

a hairy vagina!!! i don't think so Perplexio; the last i checked it is a 5-6 inch muscular tube containing acids that help to prevent bacterial infections...perhaps you are thinking about the mons pubis, which IS normally covered in hair...i chuckle at the thought of your movie (i do like the title) ...and agree with fuzzbox that it can sometimes be a jungle out there..but i'm hoping that it is not fear that is burried under your humour...we really do not want to swallow you guys up whole you know!!

Perplexio said...

Dragonflylilly: One day when I was using the bathroom and not particularly awake. My wife had left out some of her feminine hygiene products and my sleepy eyes misread "cardboard applicator" as "carbonated applicator"-- so you're right certainly no such thing as a hairy vagina-- but perhaps with a carbonated applicator there could be such a thing as a "Fizzy" or "Bubbly" Vagina...

dragonflyfilly said...

heh heh hehhhhhhehehhhehhheh heh hehhh, < that's me giggling really loud -- alrighty then....!

:P fuzzbox said...

I prefer the word effervescent.