Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Roast

A while back my friend EZ thought that it would be a good idea to have a roast in order to celebrate the fact that Blugstuff crossed the 50,000 hit mark. I agreed that it sounded like a great idea. I have never been one to take myself to seriously. Just look at the crap that I post. How could I take that seriously at all. Thanks to all that have submitted something for the Roast and go ahead and raise a little hell in the comment section. I can take it. I hope.

*****

Catch: Fuzz was in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Hey" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

You guys all remember when Fuzz went on the school trip with the kids....I bet he dont go next year!!!

I have to raise my glass in a personal toast to my friend Fuzz. Your a good guy Fuzz...Im glad to have you for a friend. I love your sense of humor!!!
Now lets drink up so I can get to bed!!! Huggs to you Fuzz!..Your friend ~ Catch

*****
Michael: I wondered what I could possibly say about the man, myth and legend. Not knowing what the twisted bastard does for a living gave me a different idea.
This might not even be what he's looking for but fuck him, he asked for it.

Maybe Fuzz was a 911 operator?
Fuzz: 911. What's your emergency?
Woman: Please dear God, help me! My husband is choking on a chicken bone and I don't know what to do!
Fuzz: (provocatively) hmm, what are you wearing?
Nope. Definitely not a 911 operator.

Maybe he's a grade school teacher?
Prof. Fuzz: Alright class, settle down, settle down, sett - Shut up! You little fuckbubbles! (pause) That's better.
Now, I don't feel much like reading or writing or any of that algebra shit because I'm a bit pissed off. Some grey-haired shitball cut me off as I was pulling into the school parking lot. I don't know about you kids but boy, oh boy, it really frosted my ass.
I want to find out what frosts your stones so from now on Thursdays will be FOAD days, ok?
Susie Bumcakes: What does FOAD mean, Mr. Fuzz?
Prof. Fuzz: Oh, come on, Susie, you little 15 year old, MySpace.com tramp, it means Fuck Off And Die! Everyone knows that!
A school teacher? Ahhh, I don't think so.

How about a sculptor?
Fuzzangelo is working feverishly in his studio on the latest of his great works of art, works highly coveted by people all over the world. His beautiful and curvaceous wife walks in and takes in his latest creation.
"What do you think, my dear?" He asks.
"It looks like everything else you sculpt, Fuzzy," she answers.
"And what does that look like, my dear?"
"It's my ass, Fuzzy. And a very nice facsimile thereof. Looks like you're up to your eyeballs in ass and loving every minute of it."
Sculpting? Maybe not.

I decided to just accept the fact that a world without Fuzz just wouldn't be any damn fun at all. Actually, it would be quite boring. He is an original cowboy that marches to the beat of a very different drummer (though sometimes the drummer likes to drop multiple tabs of acid).
Whenever I visit Blugstuff I keep in mind that old boy scout motto: Be Prepared.
You never know what Fuzz has up his sleeve.
He's also one of my favorite bloggers and though we've never met, I almost consider him a brother.
Keep on rockin' in the free world, Fuzz.
The blogosphere would be lost without you.

*****

EZ

Fuzz is a wiz
He is a wiz because
Because because
Of all the blunderful things he does.

The young vixens flock
The old ladies stalk
For the stimulating talk
And occasional gawk

The guys come for the hunt of the turd
The pictures, the music, the word
The purvs show up to read the dirty bird

Guess what I just heard
Fuzz is the word
and he is my favorite turd

*****
Pure Evyl: Here is a little top five list.

The Top Five Reasons that Fuzz is a +50,000 hit blogger.

5. Search Terms: Does anyone think that you are going to get a lot of hits from subjects like babbling babies, cute puppies, or world fucking peace. If you do then you are sadly mistaken. No search terms that get the hits are on subjects of sickness and perversion. And with subjects ranging from transvestite strippers, geriatric sexplay, and on any other sick twisted deviant crap that one can dig from a polluted mind, Fuzz is a sick search term destination deluxe.

4. Diversity: Have you looked at the Blogroll. There are doctors, lawyers, sex therapists in training, business people, strippers, ex-strip club deejays, stay at home moms, and just about every profession around. The blogroll is comprised of just about every religion, ethnicity, geographical area, and even many people from around the world.

3. He's full of shit: If you comment on a post then it is a virtual guarentee that he will say something back. He might be nice but chances are he will have something smartass to say. And who doesn't like to hear a smartass when he is on top of his game.

2. The Ultimate Blogwhore: There is not an ass that he won't kiss for a hit.

1. One Word. Chupacabra!!!!

22 comments:

Paige Burns said...

Well said! I know it's been a crazy busy week when I can't get my Fuzz fix! Bravo Fuzz, Bravo.

starbender said...

My favorite---
The Ultimate Blogwhore: There is not an ass that he won't kiss for a hit.
hahahahaaaaaaa,
I will miss U'r sickness and perversion humour!

...and the poetry

One day when U aren't even thinking about it, I will stop in and say hi!
Until then, take care of U'rself, and angry Joyce!!!
luv,
starbender
; ]

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your 50,000.. Everybody knows, sex sells. I guess perversion does too.
Hate it that I missed the roast thing, I could have lit you up.
There does seem to be some confusion as to your line of work.
I know everybody will sleep better tonight knowing that you carry a gun...
I wish you had not mentioned chupacabras.. the nightmares had just about stopped.
What have you done with Big D ? He is seldom heard from anymore.
I would still vote for you for Mayor of McFlats.

Have a good New Years. And remember, what doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your 50,000.. Everybody knows, sex sells. I guess perversion does too.
Hate it that I missed the roast thing, I could have lit you up.
There does seem to be some confusion as to your line of work.
I know everybody will sleep better tonight knowing that you carry a gun...
I wish you had not mentioned chupacabras.. the nightmares had just about stopped.
What have you done with Big D ? He is seldom heard from anymore.
I would still vote for you for Mayor of McFlats.

Have a good New Years. And remember, what doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger.

michaelm said...

Very cool post, Fuzz.
I had a blast writing it.
Here's to the next 50K, bud...
Rock on and the best in the new year.

~m

Bruce said...

Sorry, I don't have anything to say; I thought this was a roast for Fozzy Bear...

Anonymous said...

phred needs an oil change-haha

roast the sumbitch in the comment section till he's toast!

I raise my glass to fuzzbox(which by the way, aint no hairy virginia)
I love him now, and wish I knew him when he had all his hair!!
rock on fuzz

Lolly said...

I hesitate (but only for a second) roasting someone I hardly know….. but he did ask for it. And he has kissed up real nice-like, putting me on his blogroll and making that whorely one-time visit, leaving a comment….
So, having never roasted anyone before, I can’t think of a better suspect on whom to try my hand at throwing out some good-humored slanderous remarks.

Since Michael brought up the subject of Fuzz’s profession, I’ll contribute my theory. I think it’s pretty clear he has some sort of association with law enforcement. Everyone knows its ranks are full of various persuasions of perverts. Fuzz, of course, happens to be the rarest type of all, one that can write! I can see him now, working up a new ditty to the rhythm of his barbell workout. I wonder if he uses a recorder, actually reciting his luridness out loud. Or does he pump a few repetitions, then hurriedly set it down and grab his pencil and jot down a few lines, then pick up the weights again. If he puts as much energy into catching criminals as he puts into his composing, his little corner of West Texas is a pretty safe place. Then again, maybe the windswept plains are rife with iniquity and chupacabras because the Fuzz is parked at the donut shop with his eyes glued to his steno pad and his mind conjuring up scantily-clad Santa elves!

Whatever, it seems to be a good recipe for a successful blog, of sorts.
So you’d better visit me again soon, P Fuzzbox, or I’ll think you’re holding a grudge or something…. :)

Jim said...

you're a guy!! all this time I thought you were a woman, you seem so fond of pictures of women's clothing...

but, I hope you have great 2007!!!!!

vkuowgbg<--how they pronounce 'Barack Obama' in West Texas

Big Pissy said...

That was great! *LOL*

Happy New Year!!!!

writer chick said...

Well Fuzzy, I think you been roasted, basted, toasted and are ready to be served. Good one. Happy 50,000th!
Love,
Annie

Anonymous said...

Life is good when you can laugh at yourself.
You must have a good life :)
Happy New Year to you and yours :)

Anonymous said...

FANTASTIC ROAST! LOVE IT!

And damn. DAMN. You have some fans. I found you through Dear Jane and keep coming back for more. Little SAHMmie ass blogger that I am.

Congrats on 50,000. You ARE the stuff Fuzz. Don't go changin'.

:P fuzzbox said...

paige: Thanks!!! I appreciate you to no end.

starbender: I can't believe that you are leaving the blogworld. I will miss you to no end. I am heartbroken that another of my long time blog buddies is leaving. You will be missed and I hope you will come back.

phred: It is getting where you post more than him. That's just crazy. I don't know if it's the best posts but I enjoyed our little chupa adventure more than any other blog posts.

michael: Thanks so much for your part on this post. I love ya like a brother, my friend.

bruce: Loose from the lair with jokes to spare from here and there. Wocka Wocka Wocka.

ez: I think he got the nervous twitches. It's either that or too much holiday gin. What is it Phred? And thanks for everything. You always bring a smile to my face.

:P fuzzbox said...

lolly: I will head over and check out your posts. It seems that all I get is the same Christmas post from the first of December. It might be blogger being a pain in the ass again. And how do you know that I am not just hanging out busting scantily clad Christmas elves?

jim: Have a great 2007. And yep the hair on my back proves that I am a man. Or a Bigfoot.

pissy: Have a Happy New Year and stay safe.

wc: Thanks, I have really enjoyed getting lambasted. I am ready for more.

ol' lady: Sometimes it's laugh or cry and I always choose the former. I wish you and yours the best in the coming new year.

andie: Don't be going all humble on us. I appreciate you and wish you and your family the best in '07.

Anonymous said...

That is quite a list! I can barely type, I'm laughing so hard!

Happy new year, Fuzz :-)

Http://www.lisabindacity.com

Catch said...

Hello Blogdaddy!

The roast was fun and it just goes to show how much we love you! Congrats on 50,000. It was a pleasure to be part of your roast. Have a safe and happy 2007.Hugs from Catch

rockyajay said...

WISHING YOU PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR 2007!

:P fuzzbox said...

lisa: Thanks, everyone did great. It makes a guy proud.

catch: And I wish you a terrific year as well. All the best in '07. Thanks again for your part in the roast.

rocky jay: And best of luck to you in the coming year.

Leigh said...

Wishing you a very Happy New Year! Thanks for the great posts in 2006. All the best to you in 2007.

:P fuzzbox said...

All the best in '07, Leigh, you deserve it.

Green Eyes said...

Fuzz, you know I can't roast you! I tried, but I just love you so damn much, man! *sniff

You're the best! Now, where's the beer? And, please, no Schtiz crap!