Thursday, December 21, 2006

Shitty TV

The other night I was having a hard time going to sleep and so I trudged into the living room at three in the morning and flipped on the tube. Since Angry Joyce was the last one watching the tube it was on a channel that invariably turns into paid programming in the wee hours of the morn.

I haven't seen any new infomercials in a while so I sat there and preceeded to learn about some fascinating new product. A good infomercial can make a person really desire to buy the most crappy product imaginable. The last one I watched that actually made me want to buy it was for a barbeque grill that ran off used newspaper. I didn't want to buy the product that I saw on this weeks insomniafest but it was a fucking trainwreck and I could not quit watching it.

The infomercial was for a product called Double Cleanse and it told the sorted story about how toxins, herbicides, pesticides, and hormones in today's food supply has clogged our innards and the path to better health, stamina, and vitality runs straight through the shitter. The infomercial went on to state that the average person walks around with 22 pounds of shit stacked in their intestines. Damn, that's like walking around with a small child in your guts packed up to your ass.

One of the inventors signature methods for describing how we can tell if we need cleansed was to ask if your bowel movements were the same in relation in size as an infants or small child. Now I am a father and changed a few diapers in my day and if I shit like my son in relation to my size, I would have a pile of dung that no industrial size toilet could ever flush in three tries. I am sorry but if that is what's needed, then no thanks. I will keep walking around full of shit. First of all it suits me and no one would ever recognize me otherwise and secondly if I had such an elephantine shit my bunghole would be sore for weeks.

So no Double Cleanse for me. I am keeping my shit to myself.


:P fuzzbox said...

Next Thursday I will be doing a Fuzz Roast. If you want to submit something just pop me an e-mail.

Anonymous said...

I`ve been told I was full of shit before.. I had no idea..

Ben said...

I feel the same as you Fuzz, I've worked hard to insert all this shit in myself over the years.

David Amulet said...

I'm happy with my crap load. But it's good to know that American entrepreneurship is working on important issues like this.

And what's with the Jenny McCarthy theme this week?

-- david

Anonymous said... I feel shitty...

The Phoenix said...

Those cleasing products just instill fear. If you got rid of everything, you'd also be getting rid of good bacteria that our digestive system relies on to keep us healthy.

Just eat some bran muffins.

No need to make a big pu pu platter.

Curare_Z said...

I have to say, though, that 22 lbs of shit is certainly a lot. If I had known that when I was still in the Army, I would have "cleansed" before every weigh in to avoid any worries about being over the prescribed weight limits! :-)

Bruce said...

Erp...this post just reminded me that I need to re-schedule my colonoscopy. Crap...

writerchick said...

next thing you know they'll be selling colonoscopy's in a can - that comes with it's own nifty telescope. Good shit, buddy.

angel, jr. said...

I actually like watching some of those infomercials during the wee hours of the morning--the acting of the supposed audience members is a lot better than the acting of some of those late night movies.

Anonymous said...

hey fuzz
everybody gots to poop, a colonoscopy will do the same cleaning out thing. I saw a special on Oprah where they talked about poop. Very interesting.
I think kinders and first graders should be taught the practice of a clean wipe before they learn their colors or numbers-
you know the honeymoon is over when you have one pot and you can take a crap while your mate is showering-yeah you bet your azz I have! 8)

:P fuzzbox said...

phred: Huh, I have never heard that. ;)

ben: Glad to see that someone feels the same way as me about this shit.

david: Damn that's observant. Good to see that you caught that.

ol' lady: Maybe a bran muffin would help out.

phoenix: Yep, you gotta take the good with the bad.

:P fuzzbox said...

cz: I wonder if this is what they do on 'The Biggest Loser' before weigh in.

bruce: Sorry about that and good luck on the colonoscopy.

wc: I keep thinking back to a fake commercial on SNL for 'Colon Blow' cereal flakes.

angel, jr: I am amazed that they can find people that can seem so enthused. I wonder if they pick them from mental wards.

ez: Your comment reminded me of a bit by Carlos Mencia. He said,'A woman should never use the restroom in front of her man. When my wife did this I jumped on her ass and when she asked why, I told her. Sometimes I eat at that resteraunt.'

Catch said...

Oh never fail to bring a smile to my face...and this post has me laughing out loud.

starbender said...

Oh My God, ---
It's true then,
That explains soooo much!!!

Again, wishing U and Angry Joyce all the Happiness Of the coming Holidays!

Be safe hon, and for Christs sake---
Take that dump!

' ]

starbender said...

Believe it or not.........
Marijuana is an Excellent stool mover!
(...and is probably much better and safer for U than over-the-counter drugs) Now I'm not advocating the use of an illegal substance here, but----
hmmmmmm, *clears throat* I guess that's EXACTLY what I'm doing! Ha!

' ]

michaelm said...

Maybe you could try a few bowls of 'ColonBlow'...

:P fuzzbox said...

catch: Thanks. I appreciate that.

starbender: So a Doobie a day keeps the enema away. Cool.

:P fuzzbox said...

michael: If only I could get a box of that shit. I would have a big family breakfast and barricade myself in the bathroom. Bwuhahaha!!!

LisaBinDaCity said...

Yea, no shit on keeping your shit to yourself. LOL!

Happy Holidays Fuzz :-)