Thursday, December 14, 2006

Ohh Shit Am I Supposed To Be Jolly

For the past 11 years I have realized just why the Grinch hated Christmas for the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE. He, like me, was forced to attend the annual School Christmas Concert. This year, the school has a new band director. I hate to be disparaging, but after the concert, I wouldn't mind too terribly seeing this man shot in the face with a fucking bazooka. I can tolerate most Christmas Carols, no matter how badly mangled. But a Christmas rap tune and a Negro Spiritual song sang by a bunch of junior crackers that have not an ounce of damned rhythm and lasts longer than a damned Led Zep tune? Give me a fucking break!!! And of course I had to sit through the whole freakin' thing since my boy is in the 5th grade beginning band. They have only been practicing since mid-September. Yeh, it was music to my ears just like the sounds of a couple of cats getting busy. The kicker to it all. The douchebag director decided to split the concert in two by doing the elementary kids one night and the Jr. High and High School bands later this week. Gee Thanks asshole, I hope no one goes postal and starts another school shooting and blasts that goofy Christmas tie off your fucking neck.

Does every commercial have to have a Christmas theme? Any day now, I expect to see a commercial for Yuletide Fresh Feminine Hygiene Spray with the tagline, ' Get your jollies with a coochie snorcher that smells like holly.'


Just a little note: I am now taking e-mails for a roast of your's truly. Send all disparaging remarks, parodies, poems, and trash talk of all kinds to


Bruce said...

LOL at coochie snorcher. Must be a West Texas thang...

Big Pissy said...


This post took me back!

and not in a good way... ;-)

I used to hate sitting through those concerts, but you do it anyway 'cuz you're a good parent.

Keshi said...

**But a Christmas rap tune and a Negro Spiritual song sang by a bunch of junior crackers that have not an ounce of damned rhythm and lasts longer than a damned Led Zep tune? Give me a fucking break

LOL sorry but that was really funny! :)


:P fuzzbox said...

bruce: Actually I got it from watching, 'The Vagina Monologues.' I loved the word and use it all the time much to the disgust of Angry Joyce. Maybe that is why I use it so much.

pissy: I don't know if it makes me a good parent or just a sucker.

keshi: Thanks darlin. :)

To All Of Those On Beta Blogger: WTF, I can't comment on none of your blogs. I will try again tomorrow.

angel, jr. said...

Yeah, the holiday commercials are a bit much!!
And those school plays with children who don't really want to be up there are really not all that jolly.

Catch said...

Feminine products....what a bunch of crap anyway....why dont they just try some soap and water? lol

I remember those school programs....does anybody enjoy those things?

Anonymous said...

Holiday commericals are painful. Even more painful are remakes of classic holiday cartoons and clay-mation specials. I love the original Charlie Brown special, but I've seen remakes done years later that sucked. I watched the Grinch, which was fun, but then they had a "behind the scenes" show for the Grinch that sucked up 30 minutes of my life that someone owes me back.

*sigh* TV really is just an idiot box sometimes.

writer chick said...

OMG how many Christmas concerts like that have I been to? Too fricking many. The rap thing sounds like something that would have sent me to the parking lot for a few smokes.

a roast of you? I can't think of anything to say that isn't positively glowing.

Phats said...

Wow merry christmas to you! ha I was in swing choir seemed like all 4 yrs we did the exact same show for our concert, but it was always titled different.

how'd your kid do?

:P fuzzbox said...

angel, jr: The only good thing was that there was not a single nose picker in the bunch. That was a really surprising thing.

catch: Maybe there are a few masochist's but I would not trust them.

gerald: I love the Grinch but the guy that narrates the special needs to stick to Hollywood Squares. Damn he is irritating.

wc: I am sure that you could come up with something.

phats: My kid is giving percussion a shot. For this little venture, he played the xylophone. He looked stylish on it. I will give him that much.

Ben said...

With all the TV build up to christmas a lot of people can't wait for the day to be over so they can return to their normal boring lives.

Anonymous said...

Not much worse than a band director trying to be hip.



Pixie said...

LMAO Poor Fuzz.

Ray Van Horn, Jr. said...

this might be one of the more colorful holiday rants I've read so far...reminds me of The Simpsons' first Christmas episode and how miserable Homer looked

Jim said...

a tough choice, listening to Christmas rap tune and a Negro Spiritual song sang by a bunch of junior crackers or sliding down a hundred foot razor blade

the weirdgirl said...

I'm with you, Fuzz. I've been feeling a might cranky this holiday season, too.

I need a fucking bazooka.

foundme said...

Last year they split up the age groups, to cut down the crowd, so I got to sit through TWO HOURS of music programing, all the while attemtping to NOT kill myself in front of the innocent children... It was rough. Worst idea EVER!

Green Eyes said...

Oh, Fuzz, how I have missed you! Give me a hug! Great post.

Now, how long do I have to submit something?

Anonymous said...

I would have to say that one of the largest reasons that people go crazy around Christmas is the school concerts...if you really hate someone take them with you :)I have been lucky in all the years I have only gone to a couple...but they did have an everlasting effect on me...I still shake when someone mentions one

:P fuzzbox said...

ben: There is a lot to be said for normalcy. I have never tried it myself but I hear that it's great.

lisa: And another little kicker from the High School concert was a little ditty called 'Saint Nick Salsa.' Which was 'Jolly Old St. Nick' with a Latin kicker. Aaarrggghhhh!!!

pixie: That's alright what doesn't kill you only makes you weaker until you slowly die anyway.

ray: Thanks!! I do resemble him around this time of year.

jim: I will choose playing slinky with a roll of razor wire.

:P fuzzbox said...

weirdgirl: If I had one, I wouldn't mind firing off a few rounds.

found me: I am thinking that next year, I should fill a Sprite bottle with Vodka. Maybe Booze will deaden the pain.

green eyes: It sounds like it would make a perfect Thursday rant. Can't wait to see your submission. I have a couple of doosies already lined up.

ol' lady: It's a gift that keeps on giving.

Mimi said...

Aww man don't give those hygeine spray people any more ideas!

Paige Burns said...

Our kids music teachers must be in cahoots, because we had a Christmas rap and Negro Spiritual too. Sung by 1st graders. Um, yeah. My Kindergartener did great on the first song but once he realized I could actually see him, he clammed up. Though he did say it was fun being surrounded by girls.

I'm sooo going to dread his teen years...

jane said...

How about pine scented douche? They'd have to have some catchy tagline connecting a pine tree & a bush. Yanno?

Oh man, does my heart go out to you about the Christmas programs. I bet you that teacher gets paid a stipend for each performance, or something like that. If not, he's just a sick fuck!

Who knows? Maybe Santa will bring you a Bazooka gun. ;)

Merry Christmas to you & yours.

The Phoenix said...

I'm amazed how often one kid passes out during one of those concerts. I think it's a combination of both nerves and standing up straight for too long.

I think half of the programs I've ever attended had some poor kid just completely fall over. One kid even cracked his tooth.

At least it gave the show a little pizzaz.

phlegmfatale said...

You know, some Christmas music has so overworn its welcome that I'm sick of hearing some tunes the very first time they drag them out - songs like "Santa Baby" as sung by Ertha Kitt in particular, but sung by anyone in general, too. Yuck. And Paul McCartney? Yuck. Don't wanna hear Paul OR Yoko. Ew.

starbender said...

Oh-oh! Something is wrong!
I went 2 my daughters concert, and actually had a good time. The music and the singers were very good.
...maybe they improve with the older students vs. the 'lil kids.

Curare_Z said...

LOL. Your rant hit home. I used to be one of those band kids...and I hated it then. You mean I'm going to have to suffer through more if I let my yet-to-be-born daughter join the band? Reason enough to introduce her to marijuana instead....

David Amulet said...

You poor bastard. Christmas carols are generally awful as it is--except for the versions I sang, which I just posted about. With those horrible modern versions you experienced, you must have been bleeding out of your ears.

-- david

:P fuzzbox said...

mimi: Sorry, I am a born sick idea man.

paige: It does sound like he is hitting the ground running. Good luck!!

jane: My luck he will shoot me with it.

phoenix: One thing that surprised me was that there was not one single nose picker in the whole bunch. Weird huh.

phlegmmy: Today I heard some new guy singing Feliz Navidad that sounded like Jose Feliciano with his cojones caught in a vise. Aaarrrggghhhh.

starbender: You must tell me what you were drinking.

cz: So you were a former band geek? Cool!!!

david: It is hard to find good Christmas tunes from the plethora of choices. I will have to check out your story. For every one that I love their are a score that I detest.

Mike said...

I hate all Christmas Music. Period.