Artsy Fartsy

Due to my anal bleaching my ass has been to sore to sit at my computer and post. No wait that's not me, guess I must have picked that up on a mafia mommy blog somewhere. The truth is not a damned thing of interest has happened this week.

I felt like posting anyway so I went back to a comment on a post from last week where it was brought up that I might have a little artsy-fartsy in me. So I figured that I would give poetry a try. Since it is a barnyard tale of sorts, Gary Hams artwork here seems apt. Anyway here goes with my first attempt at poetry since my school daze.

Porky

When I was a boy, no more than three,

I had a dog that was named Porky.

Not cause he was fat or big,

But because he was caught fucking a pig.

Well there is my attempt at poetry not half bad but not quite Wordsworth either.

Snakeman

It is the time of the year here in West Texas when the rattlesnakes start heading for the hills for their long winters nap. Almost every day on my commute to work, I see a snake or two crawling across the highway on their travels or having failed in their quest, I see them squished on the road. Yesterday after seeing a particularly large squished speciman, I couldn't help but be reminded of my old drinking bud, Greg.

One day, while riding around with my brother Dave and Greg, we came across a rattlesnake crossing the road. Like any good redneck we pulled over to kill the snake. I know it might not be politically correct and pisses off the PETA crowd but a loose venomous snake is one snake that might live to bite your ass in the future.

While Dave and I scrambled to find a weapon, Greg calmly walked up to the snake stepped on it's head and pulled the rattlers from it's tail and kicked him into the barditch. I didn't venture into the barditch to find out if the snake was dead or alive. If he was alive, I am sure he was one pissed off, rattlerless snake hellbent on biting the first redneck that crossed his path.

I do not know whether it was the liquid courage, bravery, or sheer stupidity that allowed him to pull off this feat but this was long before Steve Irwin and his Crocidile Hunter exploits. I suppose he was an ignorant redneck ahead of his time.

Random Thoughts

From Hints from Heloise comes the handy dandy hint to keep stray cats from your yard. Just sprinkle around coyote urine around your property and cats will avoid it like the plague. Where you get the coyote piss is your business.

Yesterday in Juarez an attempt to set a Guinness World Record for group hugging saw an estimated 14,000 people hugging one another. Gives new meaning to the phrase, "Is that a gun in your pocket."

Congrats to Ashton and Demi on their wedding this weekend. From hot flashes to flash in the pan, I don't know who made the worst choice.

It has been awhile since I posted a t&t pinup. Here is an Olivia portrait of Betty Page, the ultimate pinup model.

On a more personal note, after two days of running the gambit from the silent treatment to disparaging remarks of my sexual affilliation, Angry Joyce has started speaking to me again. Saturday we purchased the DVD game "Name That Tune: The 80's Edition". I trounced her in two straight games. I must admit the second game was somewhat an embarassment but I can only offer in my defense that as one that was a teen and a young adult in the time when MTV actually showed videos and ruled the airways, I was forced to watch a wide variety of music no matter what my actual tastes were and are. The three songs in the order that I smoked her in from 2 to 5 seconds, "Do you really want to hurt me" by Culture Club, "Faith", by George Michael, and "I want it all" by Queen. So now you know why she made crude remarks questioning my sexuality in the 80's. Only a man secure in his masculinity would actually publish this in his blog, so now I am going to scratch my nuts, belch, fart, watch football, curse, and flip through a fuck book in order to get in touch with my inner man.

Home Improvement

Up until recently the hardware store or lumberyard was mostly the domain of men. Now with the popularity of the home improvement megastores like Lowe's and Home Depot and the spate of female oriented home improvement television programs like Trading Spaces and all of it's copycat's, it seems that more and more women have become the primary shoppers of home improvement supplies and their husbands have been reduced to loading the cart and attempting to answer questions with a dazed look on their faces.

Changes in the stores and products and designing practices from days of yore have intensified. Once when painting a wall, you picked a color got out the paint roller and brush and slapped a couple of coats up. Now do to the influence of these shows my living room is a montage of color, which includes a base coat, a sponged on lighter coat, and a sponged in an even lighter coat over it all. But it could have been worse, while watching some of these shows, I have seen everything from whacked out designers stapling plastic flowers to the wall, to pouring out paint on fabric and riding over it with a scooter to make designs and using this as a wall hanging, to hanging velvet rope as trim.

The shows also give a false idea of home improvement. They come in with a gang of pros and wham, bam, thank you maam it is all done in one or two days. In real life it is a monthlong adventure in exasperation.

Angry Joyce recently decided to take a break from the workforce and has been bitten by the home improvement bug.When Angry Joyce, the kids, and I first moved in to this house we moved the living room to the back of the house but as half of the kids have grown up and ventured out, we are now moving the rooms back to the original layout with the living room in the front of the house. Nobody ever got the idea of the walkway to the backdoor with the exception of my brothers and so most visitors found themselves shuffling through the girls bedroom, which was at most times a hazardous maze filled with dangers and pitfalls. Our daughter will move into the master bedroom and Angry Joyce and I will be moving to the room that is now our living room, though I don't quite know how my vintage Kiss posters will look on a three toned pink wall.

She has ripped out the what appears to be 70's era shag carpeting in the new/old living room and hallway and next week the sanding of the hardwood floor and the staining and treating of the floor. After that will come the painting of the walls and putting up new trim.

This time I have put my foot down as far as the color being a more masculine freindly color but other than that since she is doing the work, she can do whatever she wants. Other than the fact that it is a little effeminate she did a good job on our old living room and I am sure that our new one will be nice.I just hope she doesn't staple any damn flowers to the wall.

Phrases, Crazes, and Convicts

From the animated SciFi program,"Tripping the Rift", comes a pickup line sure to get you bitch-slapped. "Let's play Army. I'll salute and you can blow me away.

Tuesday night I caught the new fall show "Earl". It was all it was hyped to be, a hilarious slice of white trash life. It lives up to the NBC Must See Lineup. It ranks up there with the best of white trash entertainment such as a six-pack of beer and a bugzapper or eating Cheetos and watching porn until your pecker turns orange.

Angry Joyce and I were discussing the recent conviction of the Twin Tyco Twits of Kozlowski and Swarz for embezzlement and she was reminded of an episode of "Designing Women". In the episode they were discussing white collar criminals in the country club prisons. The character of Mary Jo played by Annie Potts states that she can picture one of the cons fed up with having a hard time getting a tennis court says, "I have had all I can take. Tonight I'm going over the hedge." (Yes you have seen everything. Me quoting Designing Women on Blugstuff.)

Harvest Moon

Although the temperature here in West Texas is still in the upper 90's and the humidity has been a bitch, the calender says it is now officially Autumn. So now it's time to get out the rake or the leaf blower and piss off the neighbors by moving all the leaves into their yard.

Random Thoughts

Yes I got spanked with my football picks this week. Not in a good way like from a dominatrix but in a humiliating way like a little boy running around in Wal-Mart getting whipped by his 300 pound mother with her gold pointy toed I Dream Of Jeanie houseshoe.

I recently came across the fact that dolphins have a prehensile penis. Thats right a cock that can reach out and grap you. If they could walk, they would rule the world with a tool like that. Wonder if transplants would work.

The ultimate Country and Western title comes from the new C.D. by Banjo and Sullivan, "I'm at Home Getting Hammered (While She's Out Getting Nailed.)

Aftermath

In the wake of Katrina the best and the worst of human nature can be found. It seems that no other phenomena can bring this out like a natural disaster. From the outpouring of help for the Gulf Coast to the ones taking advantage of the disaster the whole scope of human experience has come forth.

Even in the midst of disaster some people find a way to keep a sense of humor. You can never underestimate the power of a smartass as the initial survivors list came out and some joker managed to slip in a couple of false names. One was the old standby Mike Hunt and the other though new to me seems to be my new favorite fake name Heywood Jablome.

It seems that with the massive hit to the insurance companies Katrina brings, they will not take giving out their money easily. The Attorney General of Mississippi is now bringing suit against five insurance companies including State Farm, Allstate, and Farm Bureau for skirting claims. These douchbags are offering their clients money up front on a contingency basis but when they sign the paperwork in fine print they are admitting flood damage so the insurance companies are able to blame all of their damage on flooding and disallow the claims. I sincerely hope that these douchbags get whats coming and the Attorney General slaps the insurance companies like they slapped the tobacco industry.

During all of the looting going on a group of fat cops being pissed that they could not catch the younger faster looters, decided to arrest 73 year old Marlene Matlin. For the offence of taking a sausage from a deli in order to eat the elderly deaconess was jailed for 16 days and given a 50,000 dollar bond. The efforts of the AARP, FEMA, the family, a private attorney, and even the deli owner went to no avail in getting her out until the story broke on the AP and then a upper level judge was able to get her released.

Yes the good, the bad, and the ugly have all been displayed but the human spirit will survive and my best wishes to all in the region.

This is the end of fairy week and I will leave the week with a final parting word. We can't all be magical creatures but we all can spread some magic around. Thanks to those that do.

A Little Ditty

No not about Jack and Diane, from an old Irish Drinking Song - "I know a girl whose name is Lucy. Little bitty feets and a great big pussy."

The Wit (and Wisdom?) of Crazy Christine

Crazy Christine has moved from Angry Joyce's and my life after her divorce and subsequent relocation from our area but no amount of time can make me forget her. Many is the morning when I came home from work and saw her golfcart pulled up in my front yard. I would walk into the house and there she would be, with size 40 Double D's flopping inside a pink fuzzy housecoat and her feet shod in tubesocks and a pair of mules and her spawn climbing the curtains, sucking up coffee like it was bottomless cup day at Starbucks.

As crazy as she was, she was always good for a laugh and had an uncanny knack of cutting through the bullshit and seeing people for who they really were. She detested her in-laws and could keep us in stitches for hours with tales of their stupidity and looks. Of her husbands cousins, who happened to be our neighbors, she gave the names of "Banjo Boy and the Butt-Faced Bitch" and would speak of their Annual Pilgramage to Graceland. I can think of them only as her names for them because they fit far better than their real names.

She also gave us the term for home shopping. This is where you find your in-laws away from home and take a shopping bag and raid the fridge.

Yes Crazy Christine is gone but not forgotton and as time goes by I will give out more phrases and sayings of hers along with the Sages.

Random Thoughts

Last week in the Ninjang province of China, the city busied itself with passing laws in order to beautify the place in preperation for the upcoming Olympics. They have banned cabdrivers who are bald, have long hair, have moustaches, or wear too much makeup. In a neighboring province a local eatery was inspected due to the fact that they advertised tiger meat and tiger meat though prized in the area as promoting vigor and strength comes from an endangered animal. When confronted the proprietor came clean and explained that the meat was donkey meat soaked in tiger urine. Now I am not a tour director or anything but I would much prefer a bald cabbie than eating sweet and sour donkey marinated in tiger piss.

The average male ejaculates at 28 miles per hour. No data on how fast the average female swallows.

I thought that Monday Night Football had a high enough redneck quotient with Hank Williams Jr. doing the opening montage so why in the hell do they now do a halftime highlight show with Tim McGraw. I can only hope that he gets canned as quickly as Dennis Miller.

This is the first time I have used an anime drawing on Blugstuff. High time I suppose.

Faerie Week

This week the pinups will feature faeries for three reasons:

#1) Faeries have always fascinated mankind. Small winged beautiful creatures no bigger than a butterfly represents the ultimate unattainable woman.

#2) All my fantasy football players and every pick I made in the pro picks played like a bunch of fairys.

#3) The two different spellings, faerie or fairy, frankly freak me out.

Phrases and Crazes

Phrase #1 - From the T.V. Show Wanted - "Good Sex on a bad day is better than no sex on a good day."

Phrase # 2 - Wisdom from the Sage - " That girl is so good looking that I would give five dollars to sleep with her brother."

Phrase #3 - From a review of the T.V. show "Lost" - "It left more questions than an eight-year-old boy in a sauna full of transvestites."

The pinup "Tribute to Gypsey" came to my mind when I scoped out the blog, Dirty Laundry. This blog rates high in the Blugstuffs book and deserves a look.

Summer Days Numbered

With Labor day come and gone and the football season officially kicked off, it now feels to me that summer is finally winding down. Here is a classic pinup from the 30's that has that feel for me. It just seems like it is from a late summers eve.

The Words of The Sage

( I would like to give my apologies in advance to anyone who will be offended to the words of the sage. In his defense, I will only say that he came from a different time. It was a time of segregation in the south and not the multi-cultural world in which we live today. He also came from the world where the role of woman in society was not held in the esteem that we are working towards today. So to all races and sexes who find offense I am truly sorry.)

I can still recall the voice of the sage as he told me of lifes lessons and truths. It came as from a deep well in a rich and gravelly resonance. It was a voice honed by untold quarts of cheap whiskey and sharpened by roll-your-own cigs of homegrown tobacco. I remember many of his stories and parables but one story remains in my memory more clearly than any of the others.

When I was a young boy no more than eight years old, he told me a story of his youth. "Boy, when I was your age you could go down to the flats and get a piece of pussy or a chicken sandwich for a quarter. And I ain't never ate a chicken sandwich in my life."

Lessons, I do not know if this parable leaves a lesson for todays generation or not. Many of his values do not hold up in todays world. But this much I do know, the cost of hookers has skyrocketed past the cost of chicken sandwiches, and for good or ill, the world is a different place for it.

Coming Soon to A Theatre Near You!!!

TombRaper III: Tits for Tut

Random Thoughts

Last week a South African scientest unveiled her latest invention, an anti-rape condom. It is inserted by the woman like a tampon and when some asshole rapist inserts his penis, his pecker is sheathed in unremovable hooks. The only way to get their cock free is to have the device surgically removed. Damned fine idea but the sissy liberals at the ACLU would never allow this shit here. It would have come in handy for all those looting, raping, waste-of-cums who took advantage of the situation after Katrina hit.

Recently a man set a record by being the only man to cannonball himself from one country to another by shooting himself from Tijuana to San Diego. If he really wanted to be a daredevil he would have shot himself from Laredo to Nuevo Laredo and dodged all of the Mexican drug cartel bullets.

Idea of the week: Since I am always coming up with money making schemes that only work for others, I figured that I'd just give this one away. An edible sex lube named Phuckers. With the tagline, "With a name like Phuckers, It's gotta be good."

Moving Daze

I detest moving. I don't mind helping others move because it is not the actual moving that I hate. What I hate is all the packing and living out of boxes for an undeterminate time. Angry Joyce and I joke about the hatred of moving being the main reason that we are still together since neither one of us wants to move out. If either of us leaves we will probably leave all of our shit with the other and buy new shit and we are both to stubborn to leave the other our shit.

We have a few moving stories of our own. From the time she was unpacking at the new place and I hauled a full fridge 30 miles and then received a royal ass eating, when it got there with spilt ketchup and various other food plastered to the inside to the time and a brand new recliner being dropped and broken. But for the most part, our moves have been without mishaps.

I would be remiss if I didn't jot down a few stories of freinds and family. An old freind of mine has stated that she was the Queen of the Midnight Move. Her ex-husband was a louse and so they were constantly moving away from the wrath of an angry and unpaid landlord. She got so crafty at the art of moving that once when her ex told her they had to do a quick move on a spur of the moment, she loaded up a sink of dirty dishes into the back of the truck and after packing all of their stuff up, she power washed the dishes at a carwash on the way to the new place.

Another freind was moving back to her husband from a hiatus in marital bliss and her mother-in-law stuffed her christmas tree in the back seat of a car. She didn't take off the ornaments, lights, icicles, or anything else. It leaves the impression of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas stuffing the christmas trees up the chimney and into his sleigh.

The toughest move that I was ever a part of was helping my parents move when dad got out of farming and moved to town. After 20 plus years in the same place, it is amazing how much shit can accumulate and my parents are both somewhat packrats. I must admit that I have inherited the same packrat tendencies so I think that Angry Joyce and my marriage will last for a while yet.

Yesterday I helped my little bro Big D move to his new digs. It was about time he split the renting world and bought a home of his own. His roomate and brother Crazy Dan had already set up shop. Guess that he was ready for a new spread. Good luck in the new dig guys and hope you enjoy this housewarming pic of Poisen Ivy.

Phrase of the Weekend

"I would't piss up his ass if his gut's were on fire."
This phrase should successfully get you through the urge of killing some worthless waste of cum this weekend.

Happy Labor Day Weekend to All!
( threw some pink in there for the readers with homosexual tendences and mommie bloggers. My sincere regrets to everyone else)

Random Thoughts from a Scattered Mind

With the NCAA jumping on the politically correct bandwagon and banning teams with Native American Mascots from showing their mascots in post season play, isn't it strange that the NCAA is headquartered in Indianapolis, Indiana?... It takes on average 350 pulls off of a cow's teat to get a gallon of milk. Who's counting?... Tulsa, Oklahoma is the city with the greatest number of convenience stores per capita in the US. Will they change the words of the old Country tune to "Take me back to Tulsa, I need a freakin Yoo-Hoo"... Earlier this week someone stole the ruby slippers that Judy Garland wore in "The Wizard of OZ". I am no FBI profiler but I would be looking for a Drag Queen Catburgler... The pic on this post is the Dorothy action figure from the alternative Universe Wizard of Oz from the McFarlane "Monster" collection. Twisted little fuck ain't he.