Kiss My Ass: Big Brother

First you make me wear a fucking seatbelt so I don't kill myself driving, next you tax my smokes to the nth fucking degree, and now the bastards in NYC are trying to ban trans-fat from restaurants to save me from having a fat ass.

Fuck off and Kiss My Hairy Ass Big Brother. If you want to do something fucking useful then fix the damn roads, kill all the terrorist asswipes, and keep all the pedophiles and dangerous asschunks behind fucking bars. Leave me the fuck alone. Who in hell died and made you my fucking daddy? It sure as fuck isn't in the damned Constitution. Take a few fucking minutes and read the son of a bitch you fucktards.

Click here for the NY bullshit.

Another Shameless Plug

I really enjoy working on the posts over at BvB during Siren's absence. I am sorry if my posts and choice of topics have lost a few of her fans but I can only be myself.

This week's topic is a revisiting of a previous post but with a little more venom added for an extra bit of spice. That is why I chose for the guest posters, two bloggers that pull no punches. On the Beastly side is Pure Evyl. He is new to my blogroll and is a man after my own heart in so many ways. On the Beauty side is Yellowdog Granny. Her wit and attitude is a refreshing change of pace.

So head on over there. It is guaranteed to either piss you off or have you laughing your ass off.

Ode To A Sock

Oh noble garment so oft abused
Thrown under the bed soiled and used.
You keep my feet so warm and snug.
Sorry I hid you under the rug.
But what to do when your as crusty as a rock,
After I have used you as my spank sock.

What Was That?

During the Pittsburgh - Cincinnati game, I caught a blurb of commercial on my way to the can. It was for Inside Edition or Entertainment Tonight. I wasn't paying enough attention to catch which one. The commercial stated to stay tuned tomorrow for the story on Clay Gaykin and Anna Nicole Smith. I hope to God that I misheard the commercial and this is actually two unrelated stories. I don't think that I could handle it if I found out that the new baby of Anna Nicole's is actually the love child of Clay Gaykin. My heart would go out to this poor child. Rather than kindergarten, he would most likely be going to rehab.

Kiss My Ass: Workplace Fucktards

Most workers are hard working and try to get the job done but every place of employment usually has an unsupporting cast of pure fucktards. I know that you all know the types but I would like to list a few of these assbiscuits that I despise the most.

The Spy: This chikenshit douchebag asswipe waits in the shadows constantly searching for the minor mistakes of others. The spy is to busy backstabbing fellow employees to ever degrade themselves by actually doing any fucking work themselves. His or her only justification for keeping their miserable fucking jobs is to throw their fellow workers to the fucking wolves of upper management.

The Ass Smoocher: What's the difference between an asskisser and a brown noser? Depth perception. An ass smoocher is another waste of space fuckbubble. The get by on the mere fact that there is no ass that resides higher in the pecking order that they will not stoop to kiss. These asschunks usually are a raging dickhead/bitch to those underneath them on the corporate food chain. That is why karma is such a harsh bitch when these assmuffins eventually are booted down the ladder. Ass kissing without any substance to back it up will only let you slide for so long.

The Chameleon: Whenever there is work to be done and whenever someone is needed, the chameleon manages to blend into their surroundings and hid from any work related activity. Damn those bastards can hide. I think what pisses me off the most is that I never can figure out their hiding places.

These are just a few of the chickenfuckers that piss me off the most. I will not go into idiot supervisors, middle management fucktards, and corporate shills. That is a totally different can of one eyed wonder worms.

So to all those work a day cumbuckets that make the workday a piss of shit for the rest of us, Kiss My Ass. I hope you get fucking fired.

What Do I Look Like? Fabio

Although I thoroughly enjoy all the erotic authors on my blogroll, I have never posted anything remotely erotic as Fuzz so maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew but I decided to let it rip over at BvB. In order to help me I called on the aid of the lovely and talented Greeneyes.

I know that I will catch a good deal of grief over this post. It is certainly far different than my posts on Peeping Toms catching transvestites, dogs licking guy's balls, inmates and Fifis, and the numerous twisted tales that I post here. But such is life. So head over there if you will. And either laugh with me or laugh at me. Either way let it rip.

The Hole

Tom was an inmate in Cell Block A.
Passing time playing checkers with his cellie Jose.
He never caused trouble not even once.
The hole sucked hard and he wasn't a dunce.

But one day it happened and his rage did break free.
He caught Jose in the shower with his brand new Fifi.
After beating Jose half to death ( which was his goal)
He was unceremoniously chunked in the hole.

He will miss all his buddies on Cell Block A
He will miss his smokes and the checkers to play.
But most of all, he will miss his Fifi
And the times shared in Shower Stall Three.

Just a plain plastic bag, warm water, and a splash of shampoo.
Depending on how hard he squeezed, It was always fresh and new.
Now what can he do for his daily bit of joy,
Without the aid of his favorite toy?

With his head on his hands as he sat on his cot,
He came up with the most delightful thought.
When lunch rolled around his new love would be
A small dab of spit and a warm slice of balogney.

The Words of The Sage: My Pretty Pony

I haven't quoted The Sage in quite a while. But something happened the other day to bring him to my mind so I thought that I would share some of his wit today.

The Sage was partial to short round women. As he said, 'I like to keep a Thoroughbred in the house and a Shetland Pony in the barn. A Thoroghbred is good for showing off but the pony will give you a hell of a ride.'

Kiss My Ass: Quikie Stop Wannabe's

Wednesday Morning while stopping at the convenience store on my happy assed way to work, I was bombarded by the sonic boom of rap being played to the maximum output of a cheap ass boombox. I went to the store to refill my coke and grab a pack of smokes. I did not go to the store to hear some scruffy, baggy pants hanging off his ass, gangsta wannabe dickweed rapping about how they wanted to hit it with some ho with a big bouncy ass. If I wanted to listen to that fucking shit then I would steal an album of that crap my damned self.

So to those motherfuckin' asshole convenience store workers that can't live through the day without listening to this infernal racket then for God's sake buy a pair of fucking headphones. There is no damned sense in making the public at large suffer just because you have a shitty assed taste in music. And while you are at it buy a fucking clue, steal a personality, and pull your head out of your ass!!!

Back From The Range

Three months out on the range Big Joe stepped into the saloon
Dusty and Dirty a ripe grizzled goon.
Stepped up to the bar and ordered a shot of rye
Knocked it down turned around and looked low and high.

By the poker table he spied Diamond Lil
A soiled angel of the west in black hose and black heels.
He grabbed her up quick and took her out back
After so long on the trail, he had no time for tact.

He peeled off his duds in a dust and a flurry
And got down to business in a frightful hurry.
It didn't take long just a second or three
Then he put back on his pants and paid his fee

He said, 'Sorry darlin', It's been a while on the trail.
Ridin' drag, seein' nuthin' but cattle tail.
But I guess I did all right cause I can tell I curled your toes.'
She replied, ' Well, next time Cowboy give me some time and I'll pull off my hose.'

Remembrance

Today marks the fifth anniversary of the tragic day that gripped our nation and the world. It was a rude awakening to a terrible new world. It was a harsh and violent reminder that none of us are truly safe from those who wish death to not only our way of life but to our very lives.

I can remember the shock and confusion that I felt that day. In many ways, I am still living that shock but I am no longer confused. The radical Islamic extremists have made it painfully clear. They wish us death for to them there is no such thing as innocent lives. They live in a world of hatred; a world without love, humor, or even the smallest shred of human compassion.

On this fifth anniversary, I mourn the loss of lives from this day. I also celebrate the lives that were so wrongly taken in hatred. I celebrate the many acts of heroism and bravery on that fateful day and in it's aftermath. I also remember those who have died defending our freedom in the war against terrorism.

Outside my window, the thunder rumbles and lightning streaks across the sky. The sky's have opened up and rain falls as if the heavens themselves can no longer hold back their tears. May we never forget. For if we do then another day will come when we must remember yet another tragic day.

Kiss My Ass: Rockstar Supernova

I must admit that I am a big fan of the show 'Rockstar: Supernova.' The show has been filled with some really talented singers and only a few hacks. What pisses me off is the tracks by Stupernova. It seems that Stupernova has fallen into the same problems as most every stupergroup. Put three hard rockers from different bands and a fresh new artist and it should rule but that is only on paper. The reality falls far short of the promise.

The first stupergroup to hit my attention was Damn Yankees. Yeh, yeh, I heard a few groans there. I will admit that they had a few decent tunes but by and large the Damn Yankees were a damn crying ass shame, Uncle Ted and all.

The next to hit my sights were Van Hagar. Van Halen rocked, Sammy Hagar rocked, Van Hagar sucked shit through a fucking straw. Nuff said, Right Now.

The most recent group to hit my radar was the teaming of Rage Against The Machine and lead singer Chris Cornell from Soundgarden. It falls far short of Rage Against The Garden. There is no rage only sappy regurgitated crap.

So to all you hard rocking superstars, before you think that you are too big for your fucking group, take a good look at the ones that have decided to go supergroup. Odds are you will just turn out to be a super fucktard.

Moonlight Surprise ( With Updated Ending)

When lights grew dim and the sun sank low,
Young Tom crept out by the moons first glow.
To Old Man Johnson's house,
In order to peep upon his spouse.

For Old Man Johnson was a rich old coot,
Who married a stripper wearing thigh high boots.
At the windows edge he climbed a stump.
And what he saw there made his heart go thump.

Mrs. Johnson was using the can.
Pissing straight up just like a man.
When she turned around his heart grew sick.
She had great big boobs but a great big dick.

From his throat came a wee shrill squeel,
And off he bounded down the hill.
At the bottom tired and winded,
He made a vow, 'No more peeping until my life has ended.'

Now Old Tom sits, nose to the screen lost in a dream
Surfing fetish sites with sticky keys from masturbation cream.
What once was his horror, has become his fix.
As he is lost to the cyberworld of Chicks with Dicks.

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A reader gave me a message that my ending did not live up to the high standard of a happy man in a sick world. I gave great credence to his opinion and decided that he was right. I should not have ended the story with his being sickened by the twisted side of life but rather he should be embracing it.

I appreciate the input and hope you like the new paragraph.

A Breath Of Fresh Air

When a man first gets married, he might be under the impression that he has married an angel. But soon afterwards, he realizes that she is only human. This happens the first time she lets rip a fart whose fumes come from the bowels of hell itself. Yes that's right, she has been tricking you and saving up that stench for that oh so special first ripper.

A woman might not fart as much as a man but speaking from experience when she does it will gag a maggot off a gut wagon. Last night while dozing, I heard a rip and then the fumes rippled through the sheets and the full assault on my nasal cavity began. While laying there in a stench induced fog, I came up with a marvelous new product idea; The Fantastic Fuzz Fart Fan Induced Febreze Fanny Plug. It is built on the same premise as the air fresheners that you install in your cars vent. It can come in two different models: The simple no-nonsense econo-model and the Super Deluxe. The Super Deluxe Fantastic Fuzz Fart Fan Induced Febreze Fanny Plug also has a built in music machine that is activated by the fart gases passing through the fan.

As this product can be used by both sexes, besides making your life better, it would make a great gift idea for that crazy uncle that is always asking someone to pull his finger. It would also work wonders to alert you when the co-worker, who is adept at the fart and run SBD fart, lets it rip.

So hurry up and put in your order. The Fantastic Fuzz Fart Fan Induced Febreze Fanny Plug can't be found in any store. Supplies are limited. Don't be the last one on your block to own this wonderful innovation.

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Speaking of topics where the honeymoon is over. On BvB, two great bloggers, Sugar Daddy and Ol' Lady, take on the topic of Marraige and Sex.

Kiss My Ass: Animal Loving People Hating Fucktards

The animal loving, people hating chickenshits in this country have made the rights of animals more protected than the rights of human beings and the idiocy must stop. Last Friday, my daughter was attacked by a group of dogs walking to the grocery store. Luckily she escaped before being severely bitten. When I talked to the police officer he stated that there was nothing he could do. The law forbids him from doing anything with the animals without the consent of their owners except in case of eminent danger. Since no one would claim these dogs, he couldn't do squat by law. He told the city office of the problem and they stated that they know of these dogs but have not been able to catch them. They have ordered live traps but it looks like they are taking their sweet ass time getting it done. I told the police officer that he might want to look the other way when I drove down this alley at night to take care of the problem my damn self. So for all those asswipes that care more for a bunch of violent stray muts than human life; fuck you and kiss my hairy ass. I hope you are fucking mauled and maybe then you will realize just how big a fucktard you really are.

Four's Company

A Fundamentalist Mormon with more than one wife
Joshua sat back and examined his life.
Four lovely brides and a dozen tykes
A garage full of cars and a yard filled with bikes.

All of the shopping at Sam's and Costco
Buying in bulk is the only way to go.
To keep up with the milk, he bought him a cow.
To keep up with bacon, he bought him a sow.

He didn't realize how happy he could be
Except for that special time of the month when it is PMS times three.
And somehow it doesn't seem right.
How can three women have a headache on the same night?

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Michael and Writer Chick take on the topic of polygamy at BvB this week.

What A Way To Go

I normally do not give much thought to my death or funeral service but I recently read a story that changed my thoughts on this subject. Recently in China, five people were arrested and police have started a crackdown against strip tease funerals.

I had never heard of this practice. What an awesome idea. I have never wanted a traditional service with people either mourning or trying to suppress the church giggles as they showed up to make sure that I was really dead and not just perpetrating a cruel hoax.

Instead of a minister hosting the event, a strip club DJ would officiate. Instead of some old woman singing some lame hymn, the entertainment would be dazzling with hot strippers. Instead of eulogies, their would be outrageous toasts as bikini clad shot girls dispensed kamakazis and tequila.

Oh what a great day as I receive one last lap dance before the final long dirt nap. Shave my balls with a rusty razor, if this isn't one of the most awe inspiring examples of just why I am a happy man in this sick and twisted world.

Click here for the Yahoo news story.

Once More Into The Breech

Once again, I will be hosting the festivities over at BvB while Siren is on blog vacation. I am hoping to follow the format that I followed the last time that I was hosting this site. Once weekly there will be two guest author's tackling their opinion on a given subject and once weekly there will be a topic posted for all readers to give their opinion.

Thanks Siren for allowing me to keep your great site going once more. If anyone has topic ideas or wishes to be a guest author, just post a comment either here or there, or shoot me an e-mail. Thanks to all in advance for your help and support.

Kiss My Ass: Not So Fine Dining

Every day I add to the list of assholes and bitches that can Kiss My Ass. Here a couple of additions that make the list in the Food Service Industry.

Okay, I order my medium rare steak with all the fixin's, the waiter brings me a cold cerveza, and I happily saunter to the salad bar. What I see there makes me see fucking red; BIG LETTUCE!!! Oh you lazy ass cocksucking douchebag salad bar preparer! Would it be too fucking much to cut up the damned lettuce. It looks like you just grabbed the whole fucking head and shook the living piss out of the son of a bitch until it had shaken lettuce syndrome. Run the motherfucker through a fucking salad shooter, Amazing Moulee, or a damned food processor. For Christ's sake chop that shit up!!! Do you know how fucking stupid it looks to cut up a damned salad with a steak knife? You get all the rest of the shit precariously perched on the big fucking lettuce and go to cut the shit and a fucking cherry tomato rolls out of the damn salad plate and cruises down the fucking aisle spreading cheese and bacon bits in it's wake. So you think, I will just try to use my fork skills to pierce the big lettuce roll the bitch over and pierce it again till you have managed to get it into a serviceable size, you get the fucker two centimeters from your mouth and this rubberized piece of shit explodes and smears dressing all over your damned face. So for any motherfucker out there subjecting innocent patrons to this horror: Kiss My Ass!!! I hope you fucking choke on a big slimy brown chunk of rotten lettuce.

The other day Angry Joyce and I had the misfortune of going to a restaurant and drawing an extreme waiter. You know the type. The jerkwad that would be better off being a used car salesman. This cumbubble's service bordered on sexual harassment his nose was so far up my ass. Business was pretty light but damn don't these assholes have something better to do. I swear to God that by midway through our meal, this asshole had his hands laying on the table with his chin propped on them making idle chit chat. At least he was handy for drink refills. But still. Kiss My Ass and get a damned life. Your tip isn't going to increase by hovering. You are just pissing me the fuck off. I don't know what's worse a waiter that forgets your fucking alive or one of these douchebags.

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If you want to join the ranters or just want to know where to find a few good ones, go here and check the blogroll.

Now That's Amore

Granny was feeling horny and hot.
But Pa, he was not.
Pa was feeling a little down and out
His mind was only on his gout.

Granny decided to try a trick or two
She crushed up a little blue pill and slipped it in his stew.
Pa slurped it down to the very lastest spoon.
Then Granny donned a wicked grin cause Pa would soon need poon.

As the pill coursed through him and the blood began to flow,
By the leer in his eye, Granny knew he was good to go.
Granny said to Pa, 'What cha thinkin', you old goat.'
Pa said back to Granny, ' I think I'll rock your boat.'

They soon retired to their orthopedic bed.
He knew that she still cared as she started giving head.
For she had left out her Poli-Grip
And a no denture adventure is one awesome trip.