Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Ghost Chokes Mr. Chicken

There's a ghost in my bathroom named Mr. Crook.
So before you enter knock before you look.
For what you see there may make your heart go bump.
In seeing what makes the nightly bump.

Perched upon my porcelain throne
He fills the night with an eerie moan.
All through the infernal night,
He chokes his spectral chicken with all his might.

Beware this ghost and what he does at night,
For it is far worse than the usual fright.
It is a rude awakening for your morning whiz
To step into his ghostly jizz.

Monday, October 30, 2006

How About A Hug

After last Thursday's rant, I needed to find a story that would reaffirm my love for my fellow humans. I found just the story from China.

In China, a campaign for 'free hugs' has not really caught on. The concept of embracing is seen as a foreign tradition there. One girl is quoted as saying, ' Though some people refused. I hugged twenty people in one minute.'

It seems to me that with all the hostility in the world. A few good hugs could do everyone a great deal of good. I plan on going out today and giving out as many hugs as possible. So if some big bald dude comes up and gives you a big old hug today, don't call the cops or slap him. I am just trying to spread the love.

For the full story, click here.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Kiss My Ass You Hypothetical Bastard

In yet another glaring example that justice in America is a commodity sold to the highest fucking bidder, a new autobiography is being written by OJ Simpson.

Reportedly it contains OJ talking about how he could have hypothetically killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. This douchebag has not paid one single cent towards the settlement in their wrongful death and now he is going to make a killing on a fucking book with the working title, ' If I Did It.'

I say strap the bastard in the chair, stick me on the breaker switch, and let me make a mint off my book, ' If I Fried The Fucktard.'

For the story, click here.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Halloween Dreams

For me the costumed cuties rule the night.
Keep to yourself the shrieks and frights.
As for me, I'll take the jungle babes, the french maids
The wishes from the genie in a bottle and dark angels of all grades.

Naughty Nurses with push up bras,
Sexy vixens with cat claws,
Superbreasted Superheros like Wonder Woman and Storm.
Help the coldest Halloween stay cozy and warm.

Wishing all of you a Sexy Halloween with Vampire Brides
Geisha Girls, Jungle Babes, and Dark witches besides.
The best of times with latex and lace
When you can be what you want and not be out of place.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I Just Know That I Like It

Metal Mark finally lost his mind and allowed me a guest post slot on his Heavy Metal Revue site, Heavy Metal Time Machine. I broke from his traditional format and reviewed one of my favorite bands, ZZ Top, on one of their early albums, 'Tres Hombres.' I have to give them credit as being one of the first bands that I heard that really made me rock. I have never written a music revue but there is a first for everything. I hope you enjoy it over there.

I also have a personal reason for my first musical revue to be ZZ Top. I didn't know it at the time but I actually inadvertently stole one of their songs long ago. When Crazy Dan and Big D were very young, I would belt out ZZ Top's, 'TV Dinners', whenever Mom would have to work and I would slip in some TV Dinners for dinner. I never actually said that I had written the song but I never told them that it was a ZZ Top tune either.

Just last year, CD and Big D told me that they were watching a movie at the theater when 'TV Dinner' by ZZ Top was played. They both left the theater thinking that some group had stole my song. On returning home they looked up the song and found that I was not the original author of 'TV Dinner.' Maybe their image of me was tarnished a bit but I bet they were the only kids in Pre-K to know both the entire lyrics to a ZZ Top tune and the complete definition of hermaphodite ( but that is another story altogether). I guess I helped educate them right.
This week's rant has been postponed until this weekend. Don't worry, I still have plenty to be pissed about.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Inmate Greeting Cards

Soon To Be Sold At Quality Prison Commisary's Everywhere. Here a few sample greetings.

So I don't get raped in the poke.
Could you send a pack of smokes.
My dear, I love you so.
Thanks for suitcasing that gram of blow.
When I get a case of the droops,
I open up a package of soup.
Thanks for putting money on my commissary.
The mattress is thin and the food is hell.
Life sucks at the county jail.
But here is a little birthday cheer.
Be thankful that you aren't here.
I'm sorry that love hurts.
Thanks for being my prison bitch.
I may be a prisoner of love.
But next cavity check could you lube your glove.
Say hello to all my kin.
The judge just gave me five to ten.
Thanks for sending me that pic of you at the ocean.
It comes in handy with a bottle of lotion.
I knew that it would be tough behind bars of steel.
But I never thought that you would run off with my brother, Bill.

Wonder what the pic has in common with the post. Check this out.


BTW, Go to Sar's and vote for me. Woo Hoo. One of my captions was finally nominated.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man Is Snoring

Sorry for the no show, both here and at your sites. I haven't had a day off in quite awhile but I have one Tuesday. See ya then. Until then does anyone know where to get an ark, it is raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Google My Ass

After seeing what a great job that Google has done with blogger, I can't wait to see how Google plans on fucking up You Tube.

Why the fuck can't they make vending machines for plastic bottles like the old machines for glass bottles where you just put in your money, opened the door, and pulled one out of the machine. Fuck No, now it rolls around for fifteen minutes and comes out with the explosive power of a 10 kiloton bomb.

And for you football fans, Cowboy fans in particular, I have a question. Who is the biggest fucktard, Drew Bledsoe for his lousy play or Bill Parcells for not pulling his ass?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

In The Name Of Science

Ever since the first human invented the wheel
Science struggles to find the newest deal.
The How, The Why, The When, The Where
But sometimes I wonder why we care.

That mosquitos attack feet for their stench,
That finicky dung beatles at nasty shit will flinch.
Does it matter why nails on a chalkboard makes our spine squinch?
Or how many pictures does it take for a group shot with no eyes that flinch?

Some research is extremely vital
Like how to stop disease deadly and viral.
Or how to find someway to replace our dependence on gas.
But why do I need to know that one way to cure hiccups is a finger up your ass.

For the story that gave me inspiration, Click here.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The Twisted Test: Quiz #1

Taking on-line quizzes is a guilty pleasure of mine, so I decided to come up with a Blugstuff quiz. This quiz will help you find out if you have what it takes to be a happy person in a sick world. Each question has two answers. Just pick the one that pops in your head as correct.

1) Bambi:
A) A Cartoon Disney Deer.
B) A Blonde stripper with big fake Double D's.

2) Dirty Sanchez:
A) An illegal alien after a rough border crossing.
B) A somewhat deviant sexual practice involving face painting.

3) Snowball:
A) A round ball of packed snow for wintertime fun.
B) A truly disgusting sexual practice involving the swapping of more than spit.

4) The Olsen Twins:
A) Weren't they cute on Full House?
B) Now that they are legal, why haven't we seen them naked?

5) Floaties:
A) What children put on before going into the kiddie pool.
B) Ejaculate floating in the water after hot tub sex.

6) Tool:
A) A device used to perform a mechanical function.
B) An asshole that really pisses you off.

7) Hershey Highway:
A) A freeway in Pennsylvania named after the famous chocalate.
B) The name for the rectum when describing anal sex.

8) Rabbit:
A) A cute long eared mammal that munches on garden veggies.
B) A really funky new fangled sex toy.

9) Wang:
A) A proprietor of an all you can eat Chinese Buffet.
B) A Penis.

10) What the internet is best for:
A) Communicating with others across vast distances in a massive world community.
B) Porno Baby. HARDCORE PORNO!!!!

Now count the number of B's that you answered and check your score.

0 - Mary Poppins is a fictional character and Mother Theresa is dead. Who the hell are you?
1-3 - Shouldn't you really be at NickJr.com?
4-6 - You should know that sitting in the middle of the road will only get your ass run over.
7-9 - Just a few more steps down the road and you will be truly twisted.
10 - You sick freak, Welcome to my world!!! Wanna' do a guest post?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Kiss My Ass: It Ain't For Everyone

I recently received an e-mail from a long time reader. In the e-mail, she responded that she was upset over my language used in these Thursday rants. So I stuck in this parental advisory for readers sensitive to coarse language. Now that you have been properly warned, these readers can click to one of the PG rated blogs in their favorites list and kindly get the fuck out. But come on back now, ya hear.

What kind of perverted fucking world do we live in? Sure I am down with a certain amount of sickness. As long as it is hurting no one, I have to say no harm no foul. But what a fucking week.

Some fucktard goes and kills Amish girls and is only stopped from sexually abusing them by the police's quick response. And fucking Foley. I can't believe this perv is an elected official. When does he have any time to do anything but send nasty messages to boys? And why the fuck have his cronies and the fucking media been sitting on this story. Isn't the media's job to give us the fucking news?

There is a special corner in hell for pedophiles. I hope they all get there as quick as fucking possible. And that goes for all the asshole fucktard rejects that help them get away with it and put them back on the damned streets.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


Delbert was a hillbilly from the Arkansas sticks.
He moved to the hills of Kentucky in 2006.
He loved the grass of vivid green
And the whole land was a lovely scene.

He loved the folks, friendly and warm
The whole place had a wonderful charm
He loved the food from the grits to the ham
But he just couldn't get his favorite jam.

As much as he loved the grits
The Kentucky Jelly gave him the shits.
It had a bad taste and left a film from his mouth to his belly.
There was just no eating that KY Jelly.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Sick World Rules: Part One

The British bible of etiquette, Debrett's, has updated this year to keep up with modern times. Among topics discussed are; how to conduct a sleeze free adulterous affair, safe sex, and how to smoke at parties.

One choice quote is, 'Avoid dark alley gropery and unladylike fumbling in the back of a cab.' I might add a few choice tips for more mannered debauchery.

A lady never spits. Think happy thoughts and just swallow.

Do not answer a phone while having intercourse. Ringing sounds might have been sexually stimulating to the Hunchback of Notre Dame but not to the average man.

Never ask for favors or material possesions to a man after intercourse. Sure he is at a weak point and could be induced into just about anything but there is a word that sums up sex for material gain; prostitution.

Click here for the Yahoo News Story.