Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Just Say No To What?

I was watching a little American Idol and caught an anti-drug commercial. The commercial was a silent animated thing. Some yo-yo was sitting with his gal on a park bench toking on a joint when an alien landed his ufo in the park. The pothead offered the alien a toke off his doob. When the alien refused the offer, the girl ran off with the alien and they flew off into the sunset.

I suppose the message was that if you smoke some ganja then your old lady may run off with an alien but I have to wonder. I figure she ran off because she was some sort of freak and wanted to see just what a good alien anal probe felt like.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

A Fart In Time Saves Nine

I have a cold. The miserable cold that I had thought that I had killed with the usual tequila and Ny-Quil remedy has returned with a vengeance. I don't really feel that bad but I have a terrible cough. This morning I had one of those coughs that are the worst. Have you ever coughed so hard that a fart that wasn't ready to be farted was ripped from your ass and it felt that your asshole was torn apart? Yeah, it was one of those. But every cloud has a silver lining, at least I didn't shit myself. Ahh, happy day.

Monday, January 29, 2007

A Night With A Classic

Last night, I watched a movie on the American Movie Classic channel. When one thinks of American Classics, one might picture Casablanca, The Grapes of Wrath, or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I did not watch any of these flicks. I watched Happy Gilmore.

I really had to think of this one. Does Happy Gilmore deserve the moniker of Classic? So I went through my mind and thought of what makes a classic and tried to see if Happy Gilmore stacks up.

1. A classic has strong identifiable characters. Casablanca had Rick; a strong male figure if ever there was one. Happy tried to stab a guy with his skate now that is manly as it comes.

2. A classic has a provoking central theme. The Grapes of Wrath showed the struggle of the common man against a hostile and sometimes cruel world and taught that no matter what nothing can destoy the dreams of the common man. Happy taught us that if we just find our happy place then we can do anything.

3. For a comedy to be a classic it has to hold it's humor over a test of time. The non-stop zaniness of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is still as funny to me as the first time that I saw it. Will Happy whacking a housewife off the balcony of her home from 400 yards away ever lose it's power to make a person laugh? I really don't think so.

So I suppose that Happy Gilmore does deserve to be a classic. Now Waterboy, the jury is still out on that one. After all Foosball is the debil.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Like A Virgin

In a strange twist, a Komodo dragon has spawned five little dragons without the aid of any contact with a male Komodo. Seems the zoo folks are baffled as they didn't know that Komodo's could reproduce asexually.

Now I am no scientist but I sincerely hope that I am not on the Heroes list and have some weird power to knock myself up by masturbating. That would really fuck up a good jerk.

Click here to read the scoop on the Virgin Mary of the Komodo Dragon World.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Great Storm Of '06

The weathermen all said that this storm would be the worst winter storm since the great blizzard of '83. Well once again it would not have paid to put your money on the prediction. The great storm of '06 was nearly a complete bust. Don't get me wrong, there was some ice and it did get pretty cold but the umpteen days in a row of sub zero weather did not materialize. For that I am thankful. I don't mind a little bit of snow but I have a complete hatred of ice storms.

I have wrecked cars, gotten a concussion from falling on ice, and numerous other mishaps. I just plain hate the shit. So here is my little ode to ice.

Ice Ice Baby

Oh how I love you in a high ball glass
But when you're on the ground you're a pain in the ass.
You make me fall and you make me slip.
So laugh right now in your icy grip.
'Cause soon the day may come to pass
When global warming kicks your ass.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Basket Balls

freeballin' in sports is a god given right

let them jounce to the left and jangle to the right

let them bobble all around

as you take that shot from way downtown

why have your nuts in a jock squashed down flat

letting them swing about is where it's at

it could be the ultimate colored logo coup

with one of them black and the other one blue

Monday, January 15, 2007

Fulfilling The Tag

Catch roped me into another tag with an interesting meme. The tag is a list of subjects that have a dollar amount. I don't have to tell which ones that I am fined for but only give my final tally on the end. I guess this tag will help answer if it is a sick world and I'm a happy man or is it a happy world and I'm a sick man. My guess is that it is a little of both.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

My fine was $725.60 but I really should be able to drop 25 bucks off of the fine by pleading guilty to the others. It wasn't actually in church. It was at a church camp. That shouldn't really count.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm Back As If From The Dead

I have been trying to post for a few days but thanks to Blogger, I have not had much success. At times it has just been down, at times pics won't post, and yesterday I had a post disappear into the ether. But you can't keep a bad blogger down, and where there is a will there is a way. So to kill two posts with one stone, here is a little ode to Blogger that should fulfill both my twisted poetry and my weekly rant.

Google A Blog

Though others may heap upon you their scorn
And curse the day that you were born.
I will give you all my praise
Not just now but all my days.

For here is where I got my start
So I will give you a piece of my heart.
You teach me patience a virtue that I do not possess
By going from no trouble push button publishing to a complete fucking mess.

So Google lick my scrotum long and hairy
And clamp down on a dingleberry.
Wordpress is looking better every day
Because God knows that I am too damn cheap to pay.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Sick Toon For A Sick World

I was going through my saved pics in the hopes that something would magically stir my muse and I stumbled across this sick little toon that I have had saved for quite awhile. It didn't really stir my muse but it does make me wonder why in the hell I saved this particular toon. In looking at the toon again it makes me wonder if the toon is that funny or if the smiley face reminds me of someone?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Steve's New Year

At the New Year's party, Steve got shitfaced as hell.
And woke up naked tied to a bedrail.
With a poor aching head and a pain on his ass,
Wondering how he had come to this pass

He remembered dirty dancing with two robust gals
And the bruise on his ass from a pop with a towel.
Then he thought a little harder and furrowed his brow.
And wondered how he could get out of this jam and right now.

He heard the door squeek and the girls came in
And fed him some breakfast and gave him a grin.
They said they were sorry as they gave him a coffee cup
For leaving him hung over a tied the fuck up.

They stated that he had fell asleep before he got done
And he would have to finish what he started before he could cut and run.
Steve begged and he pleaded to be let free,
But the gals wouldn't budge or grant his plea.

So he thought happy thoughts and sucked up his pride,
And soon the big cowgirls had finished their ride.
Then they turned him loose and free as a bird
With not a single discouraging word.

The moral of the story is perfectly clear
And remember that you heard it right here
Before you get drunk and do something not smart
Pop a little blue pill so you can finish what you start.