Thursday, September 28, 2006

Kiss My Ass: Big Brother

First you make me wear a fucking seatbelt so I don't kill myself driving, next you tax my smokes to the nth fucking degree, and now the bastards in NYC are trying to ban trans-fat from restaurants to save me from having a fat ass.

Fuck off and Kiss My Hairy Ass Big Brother. If you want to do something fucking useful then fix the damn roads, kill all the terrorist asswipes, and keep all the pedophiles and dangerous asschunks behind fucking bars. Leave me the fuck alone. Who in hell died and made you my fucking daddy? It sure as fuck isn't in the damned Constitution. Take a few fucking minutes and read the son of a bitch you fucktards.

Click here for the NY bullshit.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Another Shameless Plug

I really enjoy working on the posts over at BvB during Siren's absence. I am sorry if my posts and choice of topics have lost a few of her fans but I can only be myself.

This week's topic is a revisiting of a previous post but with a little more venom added for an extra bit of spice. That is why I chose for the guest posters, two bloggers that pull no punches. On the Beastly side is Pure Evyl. He is new to my blogroll and is a man after my own heart in so many ways. On the Beauty side is Yellowdog Granny. Her wit and attitude is a refreshing change of pace.

So head on over there. It is guaranteed to either piss you off or have you laughing your ass off.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ode To A Sock

Oh noble garment so oft abused
Thrown under the bed soiled and used.
You keep my feet so warm and snug.
Sorry I hid you under the rug.
But what to do when your as crusty as a rock,
After I have used you as my spank sock.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

What Was That?

During the Pittsburgh - Cincinnati game, I caught a blurb of commercial on my way to the can. It was for Inside Edition or Entertainment Tonight. I wasn't paying enough attention to catch which one. The commercial stated to stay tuned tomorrow for the story on Clay Gaykin and Anna Nicole Smith. I hope to God that I misheard the commercial and this is actually two unrelated stories. I don't think that I could handle it if I found out that the new baby of Anna Nicole's is actually the love child of Clay Gaykin. My heart would go out to this poor child. Rather than kindergarten, he would most likely be going to rehab.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Kiss My Ass: Workplace Fucktards

Most workers are hard working and try to get the job done but every place of employment usually has an unsupporting cast of pure fucktards. I know that you all know the types but I would like to list a few of these assbiscuits that I despise the most.

The Spy: This chikenshit douchebag asswipe waits in the shadows constantly searching for the minor mistakes of others. The spy is to busy backstabbing fellow employees to ever degrade themselves by actually doing any fucking work themselves. His or her only justification for keeping their miserable fucking jobs is to throw their fellow workers to the fucking wolves of upper management.

The Ass Smoocher: What's the difference between an asskisser and a brown noser? Depth perception. An ass smoocher is another waste of space fuckbubble. The get by on the mere fact that there is no ass that resides higher in the pecking order that they will not stoop to kiss. These asschunks usually are a raging dickhead/bitch to those underneath them on the corporate food chain. That is why karma is such a harsh bitch when these assmuffins eventually are booted down the ladder. Ass kissing without any substance to back it up will only let you slide for so long.

The Chameleon: Whenever there is work to be done and whenever someone is needed, the chameleon manages to blend into their surroundings and hid from any work related activity. Damn those bastards can hide. I think what pisses me off the most is that I never can figure out their hiding places.

These are just a few of the chickenfuckers that piss me off the most. I will not go into idiot supervisors, middle management fucktards, and corporate shills. That is a totally different can of one eyed wonder worms.

So to all those work a day cumbuckets that make the workday a piss of shit for the rest of us, Kiss My Ass. I hope you get fucking fired.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What Do I Look Like? Fabio

Although I thoroughly enjoy all the erotic authors on my blogroll, I have never posted anything remotely erotic as Fuzz so maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew but I decided to let it rip over at BvB. In order to help me I called on the aid of the lovely and talented Greeneyes.

I know that I will catch a good deal of grief over this post. It is certainly far different than my posts on Peeping Toms catching transvestites, dogs licking guy's balls, inmates and Fifis, and the numerous twisted tales that I post here. But such is life. So head over there if you will. And either laugh with me or laugh at me. Either way let it rip.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Hole

Tom was an inmate in Cell Block A.
Passing time playing checkers with his cellie Jose.
He never caused trouble not even once.
The hole sucked hard and he wasn't a dunce.

But one day it happened and his rage did break free.
He caught Jose in the shower with his brand new Fifi.
After beating Jose half to death ( which was his goal)
He was unceremoniously chunked in the hole.

He will miss all his buddies on Cell Block A
He will miss his smokes and the checkers to play.
But most of all, he will miss his Fifi
And the times shared in Shower Stall Three.

Just a plain plastic bag, warm water, and a splash of shampoo.
Depending on how hard he squeezed, It was always fresh and new.
Now what can he do for his daily bit of joy,
Without the aid of his favorite toy?

With his head on his hands as he sat on his cot,
He came up with the most delightful thought.
When lunch rolled around his new love would be
A small dab of spit and a warm slice of balogney.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Words of The Sage: My Pretty Pony

I haven't quoted The Sage in quite a while. But something happened the other day to bring him to my mind so I thought that I would share some of his wit today.

The Sage was partial to short round women. As he said, 'I like to keep a Thoroughbred in the house and a Shetland Pony in the barn. A Thoroghbred is good for showing off but the pony will give you a hell of a ride.'

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Kiss My Ass: Quikie Stop Wannabe's

Wednesday Morning while stopping at the convenience store on my happy assed way to work, I was bombarded by the sonic boom of rap being played to the maximum output of a cheap ass boombox. I went to the store to refill my coke and grab a pack of smokes. I did not go to the store to hear some scruffy, baggy pants hanging off his ass, gangsta wannabe dickweed rapping about how they wanted to hit it with some ho with a big bouncy ass. If I wanted to listen to that fucking shit then I would steal an album of that crap my damned self.

So to those motherfuckin' asshole convenience store workers that can't live through the day without listening to this infernal racket then for God's sake buy a pair of fucking headphones. There is no damned sense in making the public at large suffer just because you have a shitty assed taste in music. And while you are at it buy a fucking clue, steal a personality, and pull your head out of your ass!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Back From The Range

Three months out on the range Big Joe stepped into the saloon
Dusty and Dirty a ripe grizzled goon.
Stepped up to the bar and ordered a shot of rye
Knocked it down turned around and looked low and high.

By the poker table he spied Diamond Lil
A soiled angel of the west in black hose and black heels.
He grabbed her up quick and took her out back
After so long on the trail, he had no time for tact.

He peeled off his duds in a dust and a flurry
And got down to business in a frightful hurry.
It didn't take long just a second or three
Then he put back on his pants and paid his fee

He said, 'Sorry darlin', It's been a while on the trail.
Ridin' drag, seein' nuthin' but cattle tail.
But I guess I did all right cause I can tell I curled your toes.'
She replied, ' Well, next time Cowboy give me some time and I'll pull off my hose.'

Monday, September 11, 2006


Today marks the fifth anniversary of the tragic day that gripped our nation and the world. It was a rude awakening to a terrible new world. It was a harsh and violent reminder that none of us are truly safe from those who wish death to not only our way of life but to our very lives.

I can remember the shock and confusion that I felt that day. In many ways, I am still living that shock but I am no longer confused. The radical Islamic extremists have made it painfully clear. They wish us death for to them there is no such thing as innocent lives. They live in a world of hatred; a world without love, humor, or even the smallest shred of human compassion.

On this fifth anniversary, I mourn the loss of lives from this day. I also celebrate the lives that were so wrongly taken in hatred. I celebrate the many acts of heroism and bravery on that fateful day and in it's aftermath. I also remember those who have died defending our freedom in the war against terrorism.

Outside my window, the thunder rumbles and lightning streaks across the sky. The sky's have opened up and rain falls as if the heavens themselves can no longer hold back their tears. May we never forget. For if we do then another day will come when we must remember yet another tragic day.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Kiss My Ass: Rockstar Supernova

I must admit that I am a big fan of the show 'Rockstar: Supernova.' The show has been filled with some really talented singers and only a few hacks. What pisses me off is the tracks by Stupernova. It seems that Stupernova has fallen into the same problems as most every stupergroup. Put three hard rockers from different bands and a fresh new artist and it should rule but that is only on paper. The reality falls far short of the promise.

The first stupergroup to hit my attention was Damn Yankees. Yeh, yeh, I heard a few groans there. I will admit that they had a few decent tunes but by and large the Damn Yankees were a damn crying ass shame, Uncle Ted and all.

The next to hit my sights were Van Hagar. Van Halen rocked, Sammy Hagar rocked, Van Hagar sucked shit through a fucking straw. Nuff said, Right Now.

The most recent group to hit my radar was the teaming of Rage Against The Machine and lead singer Chris Cornell from Soundgarden. It falls far short of Rage Against The Garden. There is no rage only sappy regurgitated crap.

So to all you hard rocking superstars, before you think that you are too big for your fucking group, take a good look at the ones that have decided to go supergroup. Odds are you will just turn out to be a super fucktard.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Moonlight Surprise ( With Updated Ending)

When lights grew dim and the sun sank low,
Young Tom crept out by the moons first glow.
To Old Man Johnson's house,
In order to peep upon his spouse.

For Old Man Johnson was a rich old coot,
Who married a stripper wearing thigh high boots.
At the windows edge he climbed a stump.
And what he saw there made his heart go thump.

Mrs. Johnson was using the can.
Pissing straight up just like a man.
When she turned around his heart grew sick.
She had great big boobs but a great big dick.

From his throat came a wee shrill squeel,
And off he bounded down the hill.
At the bottom tired and winded,
He made a vow, 'No more peeping until my life has ended.'

Now Old Tom sits, nose to the screen lost in a dream
Surfing fetish sites with sticky keys from masturbation cream.
What once was his horror, has become his fix.
As he is lost to the cyberworld of Chicks with Dicks.

A reader gave me a message that my ending did not live up to the high standard of a happy man in a sick world. I gave great credence to his opinion and decided that he was right. I should not have ended the story with his being sickened by the twisted side of life but rather he should be embracing it.

I appreciate the input and hope you like the new paragraph.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Breath Of Fresh Air

When a man first gets married, he might be under the impression that he has married an angel. But soon afterwards, he realizes that she is only human. This happens the first time she lets rip a fart whose fumes come from the bowels of hell itself. Yes that's right, she has been tricking you and saving up that stench for that oh so special first ripper.

A woman might not fart as much as a man but speaking from experience when she does it will gag a maggot off a gut wagon. Last night while dozing, I heard a rip and then the fumes rippled through the sheets and the full assault on my nasal cavity began. While laying there in a stench induced fog, I came up with a marvelous new product idea; The Fantastic Fuzz Fart Fan Induced Febreze Fanny Plug. It is built on the same premise as the air fresheners that you install in your cars vent. It can come in two different models: The simple no-nonsense econo-model and the Super Deluxe. The Super Deluxe Fantastic Fuzz Fart Fan Induced Febreze Fanny Plug also has a built in music machine that is activated by the fart gases passing through the fan.

As this product can be used by both sexes, besides making your life better, it would make a great gift idea for that crazy uncle that is always asking someone to pull his finger. It would also work wonders to alert you when the co-worker, who is adept at the fart and run SBD fart, lets it rip.

So hurry up and put in your order. The Fantastic Fuzz Fart Fan Induced Febreze Fanny Plug can't be found in any store. Supplies are limited. Don't be the last one on your block to own this wonderful innovation.

Speaking of topics where the honeymoon is over. On BvB, two great bloggers, Sugar Daddy and Ol' Lady, take on the topic of Marraige and Sex.