Just Can't Say Goodnight

I have been meaning to go on a hiatus or even pulling the plug on Blugstuff but I can't seem to do it. The truth is that I really just don't have the time to give this blog the attention that I once did. My posts have dried up to one or two a week and it is disheartening to me after the pride that I took at posting daily. It's not that I don't have anything to say. It is just that I don't have the time to say it anymore. So I will keep doing my occasional posts and limp along hoping that someday I can get back to posting more frequently.

I am also sorry that I do not have time to check on my blogroll and all my blogfriends as much as I would like. I try diligently to keep up but there are just not enough hours in the day. Yet, I do try and keep up even if it means setting aside one day to check on what everyone is doing all week long. Tuesday is that day, this week, so I will see you tomorrow and thanks so much for putting up with my half-assed blogging as of late.

In The Land Of No

In a land far away and a time long ago
Dwelt a cavegirl named Oola in the Land of No.
Her days were busy spent gathering seeds, nuts, and grasses
When her mate, Ug, came home from hunting, they were both tired off their asses.

Ug was always so tired that time spent mating was tight.
Leaving no room for Oola's delight
This made her feel lonely and all forlorn
But she was afraid to seek help fearing others scorn.

Yet one day her plight was noticed by Woonda, the medicine woman and High Priestess of the Great Cave Bear.
She spoke to Oola in a voice cracked with age, wisdom, and care.
Oola explained that her sex life was an out and out bore.
And could Woonda help her with her knowledge and lore.

With a gleam in her eyes, Woonda said that she had just the trick,
And from her medicine bag she pulled out a bone that had been rubbed slick.
She explained that when Oola had a spare minute or two, she should work the bone good
Just as she wished that her mate Ug would.

The next morning in her cave under the fires glow
Oola decided to give that bone a go.
She squelled and she moaned breaking out in a sweat
And knew that her bone she would never regret.

Every morning Oola made the time for a little bone play
And had a song in her heart and a smile on her face for the rest of the day.
But after a while the bone seemed quite tame
And the happiness it gave just wasn't the same.

One day while Oola was giving in to the bones temptation
She experienced a most delightful vibration.
A bee had flown into a hole in the bones marrow and was buzzing and shaking
Oola threw her legs in the air as her whole body was quaking.

So ladies remember Oola and give praise to her name
For a slicked up bone was never the same.
The very first vibe was Oola's greatest creation
Giving womankind the chance for good vibrations.

Gore And Whores Unite Against Global Warming

It seems that it is not just Al Gore that is protesting global warming. Bordello owners in Bulgaria are blaming global warming for a lack of staff with the stuff to stiff a staff. They claim that due to a lack of snow at resorts all the best prostitutes have fled to give tourists something else to do on those snowless nights.

I really don't have a damn thing to add to the story but the title came to my head when reading the news story and I would hate to waste a good title.

Click here for the scoop.

Googlin' Around

I generally use Yahoo to search for bits of odd news but nothing holds a candle to Google when it comes to finding pics. Just turn off the filth filter and any innocuous phrase is apt to show pics that would make a twenty dollar streetwalker blanch.

For a few examples, I typed in nuns and the first pic was titled five nuns in a bar and shows five nuns standing at a bar in short skirts with stockings, garters, and hooker heels. I typed in foot and on the front page was a pic of a naked woman licking another woman's foot. It was from a foot fetish blog and the post at the top of the page was entitled, 'Paint My Toenails And Cum On My Feet.' ( Quite the romantic, huh? ) And for the Creme-DE-La-Creme of pic searches was my find of the day. The search term underarm hair brought me to this choice site. Scroll down on the link and click on VT-10320 and prepare to be shocked and awed.

Now excuse me for a little bit. I am off googlin' around.

Out Of Tune Or Out Of Focus

I recently read a news story where the financial guru, Suze Orman, claims to be a virgin as she has never been with a man. Suze is a confirmed lesbian and evidently believes that lesbian sexual practices do not constitute a loss of virginity.

I really don't want this construed as anti-lesbian but I am reminded of the line quoted by Jack Nicholson in the movie, 'Goin' South'. " You can always tell a virgin by the whites of her eyes. It's because she is out of tune with nature. I don't mean to put callouses on my hand pattin' myself on the back but I have put a few women in tune with nature. "

Although she might have a point, I disagree with Suze Orman on the fact that she is a virgin. The old definition of penis in vagina sex as the only loss of virginity is just a little trite in today's world. Just because a gal has only licked, sucked, fingered, or fisted doesn't make her a virgin, it just proves the old maxim, different strokes for different strokes.

The Flower Power Of Madison Avenue

While watching Heroes last night, I saw a commercial for mutual funds that was filled with flower power images and using the tune In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly. I have always had not so fond memories of this tune. Every weekend morning my father would crank up this tune at level 11 on his state of the art 8 track stereo in order to wake me up to start the day of pipe moving, fence building, manure shoveling, or whatever passed for work on the farm and ranch. The commercial really got me to thinking of why a song that is basically a musical homage to dropping acid would make a good mutual fund seller. Maybe some other old tunes from the days of flower power could sell a wide array of products.

1. Jefferson Airplane's, White Rabbit would work great selling arthritis relief medication.
2. Donavon's, Mellow Yellow for Prozac.
3. War's, Spill The Wine for Shout Stain Remover.
4. The Dave Clark Five's, Everybody Get Together for Cialis.
5. Scott Mackenzies, If You're Going To San Francisco for Teleflora.
6. The Cowsill's, Hair for shampoo and conditioner.
7. Norman Greenbaum's, Spirit in the Sky for a mortuary service.
8. Bob Dylan's, Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 for Home Depot's line of paving materials.
9. Oliver's, Good Morning Starshine for Lunesta.
10. Mungo Jerry's, In The Summertime for Coppertone.

But I guess the reason for the commercial was simple, the other day I was reading a story on astronomy that stated we are now entering another age of Aquarius. Maybe that's the reason for all the hip hugger jeans and muffin tops that I have been seeing lately.

What's In The Name

I have always been amazed by the way that certain people's names just roll off the tongue. Names like Antonio Bandaras, Gerard Depardieu, and Hakeem 'The Dream' Olajuwan flow like the Missississippi River. These people had it easy by being born with them. Others weren't so lucky and had to make a new name for themselves like Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Linda Lovelace.

Stan 'The Man' Lee was a master at creating comic book hero names that flowed and could be easily remembered. Names such as Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, and Matt Murdoch with their twist of using repeating letters made them flow and etched them in the memory.

I wonder how many people think of this when creating a user name for their blogs. My user name is a twisted little bit of a joke. Most people when responding to me use the shortened version of Fuzz. No one really calls me by my first name. And I always liked :P.

BTW, the pin-up model from the '50's in the pic name is Betty Brossmer. Now that's a name that should be remembered.

Valentine's Day Do's and Don'ts

Just thought that I would try to give a little Valentines Day gift giving guideline for those guys that may be a little perplexed by the whole gift giving dilemma.

1. While giving your significant other a pearl necklace is a great all season gift, on Valentine's Day opt for a diamond.
2. While giving a cute little puppy or a fuzzy little kitty is a good pet to give for the occasion, crabs are not.
3. Unless your significant other is a diabetic, do not give her sugar-free candy. Even if she normally eats only sugar-free candy, she will think you are calling her fat.
4. Flowers are always a good bet but if you steal some from a cemetery remember to discard any R.I.P. cards.
5. Remember re-gifting is bad and sex toys are not recyclable.

If guys would remember these few short simple rules, then we all could have a better Valentine's Day. Remember you get more nookie with a cookie but it's hard to lose with the right amount of booze.

Farewell Anna

In many ways her life was a punchline for so many jokes. But say what you will, in a world where skinny waifs ruled the media, she brought back curves to the world of glamour. For that I am grateful. Farewell Anna.

Big Top Triangle

Lilly was the blonde beauty on the flying trapeze.

With the face of an angel and a body built to please.

She shared her nights in a trailer with Iron Man Fred,

The Strong Man with rippling biceps and a bright shining bald head.

This couple was magic and a wondrous sight

With her high flying antics and all of his might.

But one day the trouble came down.

When Lilly fell for Baby Faced Bill the Midget Clown.

Iron Man Fred was brought weak to his knees,

Wailing and crying he asked her, 'Oh Why, Tell me please!'

She hemmed and she hawed and her hands she wrung,

And she told him that, 'He's only four foot two but has a sixteen inch tongue.'

So now Lilly and Bill have a nice little nest,

Eventhough he has to stand on a milk crate to get to her chest.

What a position she thinks as they stand flat footed in their room

And still Bill stands tall licking her womb.

Just Say No To What?

I was watching a little American Idol and caught an anti-drug commercial. The commercial was a silent animated thing. Some yo-yo was sitting with his gal on a park bench toking on a joint when an alien landed his ufo in the park. The pothead offered the alien a toke off his doob. When the alien refused the offer, the girl ran off with the alien and they flew off into the sunset.

I suppose the message was that if you smoke some ganja then your old lady may run off with an alien but I have to wonder. I figure she ran off because she was some sort of freak and wanted to see just what a good alien anal probe felt like.

A Fart In Time Saves Nine

I have a cold. The miserable cold that I had thought that I had killed with the usual tequila and Ny-Quil remedy has returned with a vengeance. I don't really feel that bad but I have a terrible cough. This morning I had one of those coughs that are the worst. Have you ever coughed so hard that a fart that wasn't ready to be farted was ripped from your ass and it felt that your asshole was torn apart? Yeah, it was one of those. But every cloud has a silver lining, at least I didn't shit myself. Ahh, happy day.

A Night With A Classic

Last night, I watched a movie on the American Movie Classic channel. When one thinks of American Classics, one might picture Casablanca, The Grapes of Wrath, or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I did not watch any of these flicks. I watched Happy Gilmore.

I really had to think of this one. Does Happy Gilmore deserve the moniker of Classic? So I went through my mind and thought of what makes a classic and tried to see if Happy Gilmore stacks up.

1. A classic has strong identifiable characters. Casablanca had Rick; a strong male figure if ever there was one. Happy tried to stab a guy with his skate now that is manly as it comes.

2. A classic has a provoking central theme. The Grapes of Wrath showed the struggle of the common man against a hostile and sometimes cruel world and taught that no matter what nothing can destoy the dreams of the common man. Happy taught us that if we just find our happy place then we can do anything.

3. For a comedy to be a classic it has to hold it's humor over a test of time. The non-stop zaniness of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is still as funny to me as the first time that I saw it. Will Happy whacking a housewife off the balcony of her home from 400 yards away ever lose it's power to make a person laugh? I really don't think so.

So I suppose that Happy Gilmore does deserve to be a classic. Now Waterboy, the jury is still out on that one. After all Foosball is the debil.

Like A Virgin

In a strange twist, a Komodo dragon has spawned five little dragons without the aid of any contact with a male Komodo. Seems the zoo folks are baffled as they didn't know that Komodo's could reproduce asexually.

Now I am no scientist but I sincerely hope that I am not on the Heroes list and have some weird power to knock myself up by masturbating. That would really fuck up a good jerk.

Click here to read the scoop on the Virgin Mary of the Komodo Dragon World.

The Great Storm Of '06

The weathermen all said that this storm would be the worst winter storm since the great blizzard of '83. Well once again it would not have paid to put your money on the prediction. The great storm of '06 was nearly a complete bust. Don't get me wrong, there was some ice and it did get pretty cold but the umpteen days in a row of sub zero weather did not materialize. For that I am thankful. I don't mind a little bit of snow but I have a complete hatred of ice storms.

I have wrecked cars, gotten a concussion from falling on ice, and numerous other mishaps. I just plain hate the shit. So here is my little ode to ice.

Ice Ice Baby

Oh how I love you in a high ball glass
But when you're on the ground you're a pain in the ass.
You make me fall and you make me slip.
So laugh right now in your icy grip.
'Cause soon the day may come to pass
When global warming kicks your ass.

Basket Balls

freeballin' in sports is a god given right

let them jounce to the left and jangle to the right

let them bobble all around

as you take that shot from way downtown

why have your nuts in a jock squashed down flat

letting them swing about is where it's at

it could be the ultimate colored logo coup

with one of them black and the other one blue

Fulfilling The Tag

Catch roped me into another tag with an interesting meme. The tag is a list of subjects that have a dollar amount. I don't have to tell which ones that I am fined for but only give my final tally on the end. I guess this tag will help answer if it is a sick world and I'm a happy man or is it a happy world and I'm a sick man. My guess is that it is a little of both.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

My fine was $725.60 but I really should be able to drop 25 bucks off of the fine by pleading guilty to the others. It wasn't actually in church. It was at a church camp. That shouldn't really count.

I'm Back As If From The Dead

I have been trying to post for a few days but thanks to Blogger, I have not had much success. At times it has just been down, at times pics won't post, and yesterday I had a post disappear into the ether. But you can't keep a bad blogger down, and where there is a will there is a way. So to kill two posts with one stone, here is a little ode to Blogger that should fulfill both my twisted poetry and my weekly rant.

Google A Blog

Though others may heap upon you their scorn
And curse the day that you were born.
I will give you all my praise
Not just now but all my days.

For here is where I got my start
So I will give you a piece of my heart.
You teach me patience a virtue that I do not possess
By going from no trouble push button publishing to a complete fucking mess.

So Google lick my scrotum long and hairy
And clamp down on a dingleberry.
Wordpress is looking better every day
Because God knows that I am too damn cheap to pay.

Sick Toon For A Sick World

I was going through my saved pics in the hopes that something would magically stir my muse and I stumbled across this sick little toon that I have had saved for quite awhile. It didn't really stir my muse but it does make me wonder why in the hell I saved this particular toon. In looking at the toon again it makes me wonder if the toon is that funny or if the smiley face reminds me of someone?

Steve's New Year

At the New Year's party, Steve got shitfaced as hell.
And woke up naked tied to a bedrail.
With a poor aching head and a pain on his ass,
Wondering how he had come to this pass

He remembered dirty dancing with two robust gals
And the bruise on his ass from a pop with a towel.
Then he thought a little harder and furrowed his brow.
And wondered how he could get out of this jam and right now.

He heard the door squeek and the girls came in
And fed him some breakfast and gave him a grin.
They said they were sorry as they gave him a coffee cup
For leaving him hung over a tied the fuck up.

They stated that he had fell asleep before he got done
And he would have to finish what he started before he could cut and run.
Steve begged and he pleaded to be let free,
But the gals wouldn't budge or grant his plea.

So he thought happy thoughts and sucked up his pride,
And soon the big cowgirls had finished their ride.
Then they turned him loose and free as a bird
With not a single discouraging word.

The moral of the story is perfectly clear
And remember that you heard it right here
Before you get drunk and do something not smart
Pop a little blue pill so you can finish what you start.