Valentine's Day Do's and Don'ts

Just thought that I would try to give a little Valentines Day gift giving guideline for those guys that may be a little perplexed by the whole gift giving dilemma.

1. While giving your significant other a pearl necklace is a great all season gift, on Valentine's Day opt for a diamond.
2. While giving a cute little puppy or a fuzzy little kitty is a good pet to give for the occasion, crabs are not.
3. Unless your significant other is a diabetic, do not give her sugar-free candy. Even if she normally eats only sugar-free candy, she will think you are calling her fat.
4. Flowers are always a good bet but if you steal some from a cemetery remember to discard any R.I.P. cards.
5. Remember re-gifting is bad and sex toys are not recyclable.

If guys would remember these few short simple rules, then we all could have a better Valentine's Day. Remember you get more nookie with a cookie but it's hard to lose with the right amount of booze.

Farewell Anna

In many ways her life was a punchline for so many jokes. But say what you will, in a world where skinny waifs ruled the media, she brought back curves to the world of glamour. For that I am grateful. Farewell Anna.

Big Top Triangle

Lilly was the blonde beauty on the flying trapeze.

With the face of an angel and a body built to please.

She shared her nights in a trailer with Iron Man Fred,

The Strong Man with rippling biceps and a bright shining bald head.

This couple was magic and a wondrous sight

With her high flying antics and all of his might.

But one day the trouble came down.

When Lilly fell for Baby Faced Bill the Midget Clown.

Iron Man Fred was brought weak to his knees,

Wailing and crying he asked her, 'Oh Why, Tell me please!'

She hemmed and she hawed and her hands she wrung,

And she told him that, 'He's only four foot two but has a sixteen inch tongue.'

So now Lilly and Bill have a nice little nest,

Eventhough he has to stand on a milk crate to get to her chest.

What a position she thinks as they stand flat footed in their room

And still Bill stands tall licking her womb.

Just Say No To What?

I was watching a little American Idol and caught an anti-drug commercial. The commercial was a silent animated thing. Some yo-yo was sitting with his gal on a park bench toking on a joint when an alien landed his ufo in the park. The pothead offered the alien a toke off his doob. When the alien refused the offer, the girl ran off with the alien and they flew off into the sunset.

I suppose the message was that if you smoke some ganja then your old lady may run off with an alien but I have to wonder. I figure she ran off because she was some sort of freak and wanted to see just what a good alien anal probe felt like.

A Fart In Time Saves Nine

I have a cold. The miserable cold that I had thought that I had killed with the usual tequila and Ny-Quil remedy has returned with a vengeance. I don't really feel that bad but I have a terrible cough. This morning I had one of those coughs that are the worst. Have you ever coughed so hard that a fart that wasn't ready to be farted was ripped from your ass and it felt that your asshole was torn apart? Yeah, it was one of those. But every cloud has a silver lining, at least I didn't shit myself. Ahh, happy day.

A Night With A Classic

Last night, I watched a movie on the American Movie Classic channel. When one thinks of American Classics, one might picture Casablanca, The Grapes of Wrath, or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I did not watch any of these flicks. I watched Happy Gilmore.

I really had to think of this one. Does Happy Gilmore deserve the moniker of Classic? So I went through my mind and thought of what makes a classic and tried to see if Happy Gilmore stacks up.

1. A classic has strong identifiable characters. Casablanca had Rick; a strong male figure if ever there was one. Happy tried to stab a guy with his skate now that is manly as it comes.

2. A classic has a provoking central theme. The Grapes of Wrath showed the struggle of the common man against a hostile and sometimes cruel world and taught that no matter what nothing can destoy the dreams of the common man. Happy taught us that if we just find our happy place then we can do anything.

3. For a comedy to be a classic it has to hold it's humor over a test of time. The non-stop zaniness of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is still as funny to me as the first time that I saw it. Will Happy whacking a housewife off the balcony of her home from 400 yards away ever lose it's power to make a person laugh? I really don't think so.

So I suppose that Happy Gilmore does deserve to be a classic. Now Waterboy, the jury is still out on that one. After all Foosball is the debil.

Like A Virgin

In a strange twist, a Komodo dragon has spawned five little dragons without the aid of any contact with a male Komodo. Seems the zoo folks are baffled as they didn't know that Komodo's could reproduce asexually.

Now I am no scientist but I sincerely hope that I am not on the Heroes list and have some weird power to knock myself up by masturbating. That would really fuck up a good jerk.

Click here to read the scoop on the Virgin Mary of the Komodo Dragon World.

The Great Storm Of '06

The weathermen all said that this storm would be the worst winter storm since the great blizzard of '83. Well once again it would not have paid to put your money on the prediction. The great storm of '06 was nearly a complete bust. Don't get me wrong, there was some ice and it did get pretty cold but the umpteen days in a row of sub zero weather did not materialize. For that I am thankful. I don't mind a little bit of snow but I have a complete hatred of ice storms.

I have wrecked cars, gotten a concussion from falling on ice, and numerous other mishaps. I just plain hate the shit. So here is my little ode to ice.

Ice Ice Baby

Oh how I love you in a high ball glass
But when you're on the ground you're a pain in the ass.
You make me fall and you make me slip.
So laugh right now in your icy grip.
'Cause soon the day may come to pass
When global warming kicks your ass.

Basket Balls

freeballin' in sports is a god given right

let them jounce to the left and jangle to the right

let them bobble all around

as you take that shot from way downtown

why have your nuts in a jock squashed down flat

letting them swing about is where it's at

it could be the ultimate colored logo coup

with one of them black and the other one blue

Fulfilling The Tag

Catch roped me into another tag with an interesting meme. The tag is a list of subjects that have a dollar amount. I don't have to tell which ones that I am fined for but only give my final tally on the end. I guess this tag will help answer if it is a sick world and I'm a happy man or is it a happy world and I'm a sick man. My guess is that it is a little of both.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

My fine was $725.60 but I really should be able to drop 25 bucks off of the fine by pleading guilty to the others. It wasn't actually in church. It was at a church camp. That shouldn't really count.

I'm Back As If From The Dead

I have been trying to post for a few days but thanks to Blogger, I have not had much success. At times it has just been down, at times pics won't post, and yesterday I had a post disappear into the ether. But you can't keep a bad blogger down, and where there is a will there is a way. So to kill two posts with one stone, here is a little ode to Blogger that should fulfill both my twisted poetry and my weekly rant.

Google A Blog

Though others may heap upon you their scorn
And curse the day that you were born.
I will give you all my praise
Not just now but all my days.

For here is where I got my start
So I will give you a piece of my heart.
You teach me patience a virtue that I do not possess
By going from no trouble push button publishing to a complete fucking mess.

So Google lick my scrotum long and hairy
And clamp down on a dingleberry.
Wordpress is looking better every day
Because God knows that I am too damn cheap to pay.

Sick Toon For A Sick World

I was going through my saved pics in the hopes that something would magically stir my muse and I stumbled across this sick little toon that I have had saved for quite awhile. It didn't really stir my muse but it does make me wonder why in the hell I saved this particular toon. In looking at the toon again it makes me wonder if the toon is that funny or if the smiley face reminds me of someone?

Steve's New Year

At the New Year's party, Steve got shitfaced as hell.
And woke up naked tied to a bedrail.
With a poor aching head and a pain on his ass,
Wondering how he had come to this pass

He remembered dirty dancing with two robust gals
And the bruise on his ass from a pop with a towel.
Then he thought a little harder and furrowed his brow.
And wondered how he could get out of this jam and right now.

He heard the door squeek and the girls came in
And fed him some breakfast and gave him a grin.
They said they were sorry as they gave him a coffee cup
For leaving him hung over a tied the fuck up.

They stated that he had fell asleep before he got done
And he would have to finish what he started before he could cut and run.
Steve begged and he pleaded to be let free,
But the gals wouldn't budge or grant his plea.

So he thought happy thoughts and sucked up his pride,
And soon the big cowgirls had finished their ride.
Then they turned him loose and free as a bird
With not a single discouraging word.

The moral of the story is perfectly clear
And remember that you heard it right here
Before you get drunk and do something not smart
Pop a little blue pill so you can finish what you start.

The Roast

A while back my friend EZ thought that it would be a good idea to have a roast in order to celebrate the fact that Blugstuff crossed the 50,000 hit mark. I agreed that it sounded like a great idea. I have never been one to take myself to seriously. Just look at the crap that I post. How could I take that seriously at all. Thanks to all that have submitted something for the Roast and go ahead and raise a little hell in the comment section. I can take it. I hope.

*****

Catch: Fuzz was in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Hey" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

You guys all remember when Fuzz went on the school trip with the kids....I bet he dont go next year!!!

I have to raise my glass in a personal toast to my friend Fuzz. Your a good guy Fuzz...Im glad to have you for a friend. I love your sense of humor!!!
Now lets drink up so I can get to bed!!! Huggs to you Fuzz!..Your friend ~ Catch

*****
Michael: I wondered what I could possibly say about the man, myth and legend. Not knowing what the twisted bastard does for a living gave me a different idea.
This might not even be what he's looking for but fuck him, he asked for it.

Maybe Fuzz was a 911 operator?
Fuzz: 911. What's your emergency?
Woman: Please dear God, help me! My husband is choking on a chicken bone and I don't know what to do!
Fuzz: (provocatively) hmm, what are you wearing?
Nope. Definitely not a 911 operator.

Maybe he's a grade school teacher?
Prof. Fuzz: Alright class, settle down, settle down, sett - Shut up! You little fuckbubbles! (pause) That's better.
Now, I don't feel much like reading or writing or any of that algebra shit because I'm a bit pissed off. Some grey-haired shitball cut me off as I was pulling into the school parking lot. I don't know about you kids but boy, oh boy, it really frosted my ass.
I want to find out what frosts your stones so from now on Thursdays will be FOAD days, ok?
Susie Bumcakes: What does FOAD mean, Mr. Fuzz?
Prof. Fuzz: Oh, come on, Susie, you little 15 year old, MySpace.com tramp, it means Fuck Off And Die! Everyone knows that!
A school teacher? Ahhh, I don't think so.

How about a sculptor?
Fuzzangelo is working feverishly in his studio on the latest of his great works of art, works highly coveted by people all over the world. His beautiful and curvaceous wife walks in and takes in his latest creation.
"What do you think, my dear?" He asks.
"It looks like everything else you sculpt, Fuzzy," she answers.
"And what does that look like, my dear?"
"It's my ass, Fuzzy. And a very nice facsimile thereof. Looks like you're up to your eyeballs in ass and loving every minute of it."
Sculpting? Maybe not.

I decided to just accept the fact that a world without Fuzz just wouldn't be any damn fun at all. Actually, it would be quite boring. He is an original cowboy that marches to the beat of a very different drummer (though sometimes the drummer likes to drop multiple tabs of acid).
Whenever I visit Blugstuff I keep in mind that old boy scout motto: Be Prepared.
You never know what Fuzz has up his sleeve.
He's also one of my favorite bloggers and though we've never met, I almost consider him a brother.
Keep on rockin' in the free world, Fuzz.
The blogosphere would be lost without you.

*****

EZ

Fuzz is a wiz
He is a wiz because
Because because
Of all the blunderful things he does.

The young vixens flock
The old ladies stalk
For the stimulating talk
And occasional gawk

The guys come for the hunt of the turd
The pictures, the music, the word
The purvs show up to read the dirty bird

Guess what I just heard
Fuzz is the word
and he is my favorite turd

*****
Pure Evyl: Here is a little top five list.

The Top Five Reasons that Fuzz is a +50,000 hit blogger.

5. Search Terms: Does anyone think that you are going to get a lot of hits from subjects like babbling babies, cute puppies, or world fucking peace. If you do then you are sadly mistaken. No search terms that get the hits are on subjects of sickness and perversion. And with subjects ranging from transvestite strippers, geriatric sexplay, and on any other sick twisted deviant crap that one can dig from a polluted mind, Fuzz is a sick search term destination deluxe.

4. Diversity: Have you looked at the Blogroll. There are doctors, lawyers, sex therapists in training, business people, strippers, ex-strip club deejays, stay at home moms, and just about every profession around. The blogroll is comprised of just about every religion, ethnicity, geographical area, and even many people from around the world.

3. He's full of shit: If you comment on a post then it is a virtual guarentee that he will say something back. He might be nice but chances are he will have something smartass to say. And who doesn't like to hear a smartass when he is on top of his game.

2. The Ultimate Blogwhore: There is not an ass that he won't kiss for a hit.

1. One Word. Chupacabra!!!!

Breakfast At The Pole

Trudging home Christmas morning worn out and weary.
Santa was expecting a home warm and cheery.
But he got more than expected for there in his bed
Were three little elves cavorting with Mrs. Santa butt naked.

He shouted and fumed as he he broke out his gun.
You should have seen how those three shorties run.
Then he turned to Mrs. Clause and started to curse
Calling her names quite perverse.

Then he sank to the floor with his head on his chin
And calmly asked her how with elves, she could commit such a sin.
She slipped on her robe and sat down beside him
And explained how she came to be with them.

'So many nights I have sat bored and lonely as cold as a bone
As you delivered toys to the good boys and girls all alone.
So I invited some elves to play some Twister and I just couldn't stop.
It might have been the snap, or the crackle, but most likely it was the pop.'

Merry Whatever

Here at Blugstuff, there is absolutely no discrimination towards any race, creed, color, cult, national origin, religion, gender, sexual orientation, shoe size, eye color, or geograghical region. So here is a pic that I lifted off a fellow blogger, that just about covers it all.So from me to you whether you be Wiccan or Wiseass, whether you be Saint or Sinner, and no matter where you are from or whatever you call youself, I wish you a happy Christmas, Kwanzai, Hanakkuh, Bodha Day, Ramadan, Winter Solstice, and Festivus.

Checking The E-Mail

It has been awhile since I have done a Friday post but I have received an e-mail from a reader and I am sure that many readers might have had a similar problem.

Dear Fuzz,

I am writing to you in order to ask for your advice. Laying in bed spooning with my wife on a cold winters morning, she rattled a fart off of my leg. I called her a nasty bitch but now I am wondering if that was the proper response or if I should do something else.

Still Sickened

Dear Sickened,

A simple calling of a name and such an unoriginal curse is bound to leave you wanting a little payback. So give her the dutch oven treatment, elephant stamp her, and then sleep secure in the knowledge that you have responded correctly to such a crass affront to your dignity. But you might want to check all foodstuffs for poisons. Might I suggest a small dog and feed him from your plate before every meal to check for ill effects for a week or so.

Shitty TV

The other night I was having a hard time going to sleep and so I trudged into the living room at three in the morning and flipped on the tube. Since Angry Joyce was the last one watching the tube it was on a channel that invariably turns into paid programming in the wee hours of the morn.

I haven't seen any new infomercials in a while so I sat there and preceeded to learn about some fascinating new product. A good infomercial can make a person really desire to buy the most crappy product imaginable. The last one I watched that actually made me want to buy it was for a barbeque grill that ran off used newspaper. I didn't want to buy the product that I saw on this weeks insomniafest but it was a fucking trainwreck and I could not quit watching it.

The infomercial was for a product called Double Cleanse and it told the sorted story about how toxins, herbicides, pesticides, and hormones in today's food supply has clogged our innards and the path to better health, stamina, and vitality runs straight through the shitter. The infomercial went on to state that the average person walks around with 22 pounds of shit stacked in their intestines. Damn, that's like walking around with a small child in your guts packed up to your ass.

One of the inventors signature methods for describing how we can tell if we need cleansed was to ask if your bowel movements were the same in relation in size as an infants or small child. Now I am a father and changed a few diapers in my day and if I shit like my son in relation to my size, I would have a pile of dung that no industrial size toilet could ever flush in three tries. I am sorry but if that is what's needed, then no thanks. I will keep walking around full of shit. First of all it suits me and no one would ever recognize me otherwise and secondly if I had such an elephantine shit my bunghole would be sore for weeks.

So no Double Cleanse for me. I am keeping my shit to myself.

Santa's Favorite Elf

In a corner office in Santa's workshop
Works Santa's favorite elf non-stop.
From dawn to dusk making the toys
For the naughty girls and the happy boys.

She doesn't make cars, boats, or kites.
She doesn't make Barbies, Slinkies, or Lite-Brites.
She makes the toys that make the winter nights warm
With a sly little grin and a world of charm.

So if Santa brings something that makes your cheeks turn red
With a warm glow and a blush from your toes to your head.
It might not have came from an Adult Stores shelf,
You might want to thank Santa's Sex Toy Elf.

Ohh Shit Am I Supposed To Be Jolly

For the past 11 years I have realized just why the Grinch hated Christmas for the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE. He, like me, was forced to attend the annual School Christmas Concert. This year, the school has a new band director. I hate to be disparaging, but after the concert, I wouldn't mind too terribly seeing this man shot in the face with a fucking bazooka. I can tolerate most Christmas Carols, no matter how badly mangled. But a Christmas rap tune and a Negro Spiritual song sang by a bunch of junior crackers that have not an ounce of damned rhythm and lasts longer than a damned Led Zep tune? Give me a fucking break!!! And of course I had to sit through the whole freakin' thing since my boy is in the 5th grade beginning band. They have only been practicing since mid-September. Yeh, it was music to my ears just like the sounds of a couple of cats getting busy. The kicker to it all. The douchebag director decided to split the concert in two by doing the elementary kids one night and the Jr. High and High School bands later this week. Gee Thanks asshole, I hope no one goes postal and starts another school shooting and blasts that goofy Christmas tie off your fucking neck.

************
Does every commercial have to have a Christmas theme? Any day now, I expect to see a commercial for Yuletide Fresh Feminine Hygiene Spray with the tagline, ' Get your jollies with a coochie snorcher that smells like holly.'

************

Just a little note: I am now taking e-mails for a roast of your's truly. Send all disparaging remarks, parodies, poems, and trash talk of all kinds to fuzzbox_rox2000@yahoo.com.

The Hits

Come and gone 50,000 hits.
I never thought so many would click to see this shit.
Pin-ups, models, and risque pics reign
Useless drivel from my twisted brain.

I thank you all for coming to view
This site that exposes my thoughts askew.
For sharing some laughter and some rather gross jokes
For putting up with my rhymes that might go better with a quick toke.

Thanks for coming and the thoughts that you share.
Don't think for a minute that I do not care.
So come on back, I will be right here.
With a dollop of sickness and a dash of good cheer.

My Kind Of Joint

In Arizona an establishment that is reminiscent of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial has caught my attention. The Heart Attack Grill features real food fried in real lard with such favorites as the Quadruple Bypass Burger; a four patty mound of nutritional mayhem. But what really sets the place apart is the waitresses. Dressed as naughty nurses in cleavage bearing tops, high heels, and thigh high stockings some prudish nurses are complaining of the uniforms as an affront to their dignity. Personally I see not a thing wrong with the uniforms and there may be other professions that could be spotlighted to add a little zip to an eatery.

The Crazee Tastee Cafeteria - Dressed in Skin Tight uniforms, hair nets, and orthopedic shoes. The lunch ladies will cater to those with fantasies from their grade school past.

The Garage Grill - An eatery for the ladies, with greased up grease monkeys catering to their lubed up fantasies. It would probably work much better than a plumbers themed restaurant featuring food entrees to keep your pipes cleaned out and served by guys with the obligatory plumbers crack.

The Border Crossing Taqueria - Where if a waiter or waitress messes up, they are chased out by security guards dressed as Immigration agents. But make sure and take a shot of Pepto before going or you might get the runs.

Click here for the News Story of the Heart Attack Grill.

Old Mrs. Murphy

The Medic-Alert Dispatcher received the call.
'Mrs. Murphy, are you hurt? Did you fall.'
'Ohh God, Ohh Jesus, Ohh Yes,' was the only reply.
So the dispatcher called the ambulance and told them to fly.

The ambulance drivers called through the door.
'Are you hurt, can you get off the floor.'
With the screams and the moans of a woman in pain,
The drivers busted the door for entrance to gain.

What they saw there made them gasp and groan
Old Man Withers had Mrs. Murphy bent over and was driving his bone.
Her ass in the air as she give it a wiggle.
Even her moles were giving a jiggle.

Her in stockings and garter.
Him with an oversized goiter.
To the drivers it seemed like the ultimate folly,
But the old timers seemed to be getting their jollies.

Their hearing aids out they heard not a peep.
So the drivers backed out at the quietest creep.
This tale could have been different on a different tack,
The surprise could have given the seniors a heart attack.

So for safety's sake, here's a word to your granny.
Before getting jiggy, with your naked ass fanny.
Keep your Medic-Alert bracelet on the bed post and handy.
Not on your wrist, things get wild when the old folks get randy.

Merry Christmastime Damnit

I have always loved Christmastime. In fact, I find myself singing Christmas tunes all your long ( much to the disgust of Angry Joyce). But now that we recieved our first significant snowfall in the past two years, it really feels like Christmas. The cactus in my parents front yard makes for a great looking Christmas tree and the Christmas cactus in my bedroom is blooming wonderfully. This weekend the halls will be decked and the tree will be trimmed. Soon Christmas will be in full swing.

So Merry Christmas Damnit to all and to all safe shopping. And if you find yourself Out And About In West Texas look for me. I will be easy to spot, with a goofy grin on my face, a Santa hat perched on my noggin, singing Feliz Navidad, and stalking under some mistletoe. Gotta luv the season.

TV Bullshit

For the most part, I do not watch series on network TV. Recently though I have been hooked on the show, 'Hero's.' It seems to really try to make an audience care about the cast and is quirky enough to keep me guessing and keep my attention. But just as I was hooked they are trying to fuck the audience again. After the last episode, the commercial stated that next week would be the last episode until next year. Damnit to fucking hell. Didn't they learn a damn thing from the Soprano's. This split the series in half for the year bullshit is the exact reason that many quit watching the mob family show and that would include myself as well. If they want to split it up then that is what fucking reruns are for. If they keep this bullshit up then the series won't be a hero it will be a big fucktarded zero.

*****
While I am on the subject of TV, I would just like to say that the broadcasting group for ESPN's coverage of Monday Night Football has to be the most boring group of asswipes that I have ever had the displeasure of viewing. They make the freaking Weather Channel seem like must see tv. But I guess there is always the beer commercials during the game to look forward to.

Merv

Odds are that we have all been visited by our good friend Merv.
He is the blogworlds biggest perv.
When you get a search term hit for something filled with raunch
He's sitting there with his hands beneath his paunch.

What he does for giggles and fun
Is type in search terms like nuns on nuns.
Not like the common rubes
He'll type in terms like Beth Chapman's boobs.

When you see a search term like calf suck beastiality
Just think of Merv and let it be.
It's all in fun and a hits a hit.
Besides the search engine found that shit.

Making A List And Checking It Twice

The Thanksgiving leftovers are history so the silly season is officially started. In order to get the ball rolling and to insure that Old Saint Nick doesn't give me the shaft this year. I thought that I would go ahead and make up an early Christmas list. I can assure you that I will update the list as more stuff comes to my mind.

1. A new Tat. I still am undecided as to what to do in order to balance out my arms. I am thinking of a goth mermaid basking under a full moon. But a goth mermaid might just be a bit strange even for me.

2. A new weapon. Living in redneck America with only one handgun, one shotgun, and one rifle, I am woefully under armed.

3. New Neighbors. Although the Thanksgiving entertainment of a drunken free for all next door complete with the punctuation of a ton of gravel being thrown in the air saved me from a mundane quiet Thanksgiving. I suppose I am just never satisfied.

4. A rubber floor. If you have seen the beer commercial with the rubber floor, then you know this is a must have, if you haven't seen it then when you do you will know what I mean. It is too cool for mere words to describe.

5. Peace, love, and happiness for all of humanity or a bootleg copy of the Britney Spears sex tape. Whichever is easier for Santa to fork over.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today there will be no rants. There will be no bitches or gripes. Today I only wish to give my thanks. I am thankful that my family is well, that I am alive and free to breath the West Texas air under the blue West Texas Sky, and I am thankful for you, my friends in the blogosphere. I hope this holiday brings forth the best for you and yours. From the Fuzz Family to All of you, Happy Thanksgiving.

In closing I will leave you with my brother, Crazy Dan's, favorite blessing. 'Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Who eats the fastest eats the most.' Have a great one and see you next week.

Loud And Proud

When you say Redneck don't curl up your lips
Say it with pride with your hands on your hips.
Pick Up drivin', trailer dwellin', white trash of all ages.
Worshippin' Nascar Drivers as if they were sages.
Our numbers are growin' by leaps and by hops,
And if you don't believe me catch an episode of Cops.

We're everywhere and quite easy to see.
Wearing tube tops and tattoos and Dale Jr. tees.
Munchin' on Chee-to's and barbequed Spam.
And If you don't like it we don't give a damn.
Yuppies and Bluebloods should build fences or thickets.
Cause we'll soon be your neighbors thanks to winning lottery tickets.

Written By Angry Joyce

I Got Dragged Into This One

Yesterday I was asked if I could come in and work. I said yes and asked what time I needed to be there. I was then told 4 in the morning. I should have asked that first. See ya later today.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

I am sorry but I am just a little ambivalent over the latest Bobby Knight brouhaha. I have seen the video and I am sorry but it appears that it wasn't a violent slap but rather a little attention getter. I would be up in arms with the rest of the sports nation if it wasn't for the fact that the kid that received the pop and his parents all say that it is no big deal that it was nothing. I have always thought that no harm equals no foul. The only thing that gets me is the complete disregard that Bobby Knight always has had and always will have for every damned person on the face of the earth that does not bend over backwards to kiss his pompous ass.

He knows that with his history, the eyes of the sporting world and many that do not care about sports at all, are planted firmly on him. Yet he continually goes out of the way to prove to his detractors that he is the ass that they paint him out to be. So maybe the little attention getting slap was no big deal but it is just one more incident in a long line of incidents. When they are added up all together it paints a picture of how a winning coach is not necessarily a winner.

In case you haven't heard the story of the incident, click here.

Dougie

Little Dougie was happy as happy can be
He loved pissing bubbles for all the world to see.
So even when the bubbles covered his little chin
He faced the world with his wicked little grin.
What a lovely way for a little lad to cope
When his little potty mouth kept getting washed out with soap.

Hooray Breakfast

I have a rare Sunday off this week. I was able to indulge in one of my favorite activities; Breakfast. On workdays, I generally don't have time to stop for breakfast. I grab a honey bun, pop-tart, or granola bar and crunch it down on my way to work.

This morning, I was able to brew up a pot of coffee, scramble some eggs, fry up some hash browns and bacon, and flip some hot cakes. By the time the coffee was brewing, the boy was up ready to drink coffee and keep me company while I was whipping up breakfast. By the time the bacon had crisped, Angry Joyce was up in a better humor than usual. I guess the smell of bacon frying soothes the savage beast. And when it was done, I woke up the girl. ( Teens have to be firebombed out of bed. The smell of breakfast doesn't register for shit during their morning slumbers. )

Sitting here full and content I have to admit that all in all it was a great breakfast. Although I enjoy cooking breakfast, there is something to be said for going to a good roadside diner and ordering up breakfast. There is no more simple pleasure that can kickstart your day going like a good cup of coffee, chicken fried steak and eggs, and bullshitting with a quick witted waitress. I think that is what I need to do tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will come soon.

The Donkey Barbeque

I have been ranting on Thursday's for awhile. At first, I lined myself up with the FOADers and then I started calling it Kiss My Ass Thursday's but in a way this didn't sound quite right either. Recently while commenting to the lovely Georgia peach, Vic, on her blog I was reminded of an old saying that fits my Thursday rants to a tee. So sit back, take a load off and enjoy the donkey barbeque. And let's eat some ass.

*********

The past few mornings I have passed some true fucking idiots on my way to work. Why the fuck these douchebags are up at such an ungodly hour jogging down the street is beyond me. I don't call them idiots because they jog. I haven't anything against joggers. But if you are jogging down the street before the sun comes up, then for Chrissakes wear some light colored or reflective clothing. I don't want to be late for work because you have decided to commit suicide by jogging. And some poor slob that actually has a heart might make you roadkill and be filled with a lifetime of remorse. If you don't give a flying fuck for your own safety at least think of your fellow human beings. Fuck!!!

**************

Texas re-elected Governor ' Asswipe ' Rick Perry. This asshole is bought and paid for lock, stock, and mother fuckin' barrel by the insurance companies. This states insurance carriers are the sleaziest most overpaid and underrepresenting cocksuckers on the face of the damned planet. Congrats assholes for voting this asschunk in for another term. Maybe it's the fault of the new voting machines. I know how hard it is to spin a fucking dial and it is so much easier to just punch in a straight party ticket. But it would be handy if you dug your head out of your ass and not vote for the assholes that are proven fucking crooks.

*************

Far be it from me to say anything negative about Bush and his advisors but wouldn't it have been brighter to fire Rumsfeld before you get your ass handed to you. Fucktards!

*************

To check out the site where I nabbed the pic, click here.

Little Girl, Big Dreams

Jill was a little person standing four foot three
She had aspirations of getting an Ivy League Degree.
She tried for Harvard and she tried for Yale
Her grades were good but to no avail.

She hadn't the finances for such a big name school.
And when she couldn't find a scholarship for a dwarf from these Ivy League fools.
Then she found a scholarship that would give her a shot at fortune and fame.
She could be the leprechaun mascot for Notre Dame.

Current Ads: The Good, The Bad, And The Fugly

I consider myself a connoisseur of commercials. Most of the time the commercial advertisements are a sight more entertaining than the actual shows on television. Of the current crop of commercials on tv, I single three out as showing the epitome of the good, the bad, and the fugly.

The Good: Far be it from me to give any props to Geiko. I will never forgive them for foisting that damn Gecko into my consciousness but I love their ad with the movie voice over guy. I think that it would be too cool to have this guy follow me for a couple of days and do a voice over for all my conversations.

The Bad: Match.com has to have the stupidest campaign running on tv today. They are promising six free months if you do not find your perfect match in six months. If after six months all that a person has found is flakes, mamma's boys, fuglies, gold diggers, and other assorted losers, then why in hell would you want to subject yourself to six more months of degradation? I would think a quick kick to the groin would be a lot less painful.

The Fugly: Pepto Bismol's new ads sinks to a new low in bad taste. I can think of not many things more disgusting than a bunch of douchebags line-dancing to the tune of nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. I certainly hope that this dancing ailment ad does not start a trend. What's next: Everybody's doing a brand new dance now, come on baby do the yeast infection.

A Few Things That Suck

My work hours are from 6 am to 6 pm. This means that I go to work in the dark and drive back home in the dark. All daylight hours are burned up at work.

Mr. Roboto made VH-1's, 100 Greatest Songs of the '80's. Could I be the only one that felt that this song was a sign of the apocalypse or at the very least, the worse song ever produced by humans.

There was no fall here to speak of whatsoever. It went straight from sweat your balls off summer to freeze your ass off winter.

I haven't had enough time to blog as much as I would like lately but it sucks that so many of my old blogfriends have stopped blogging at all. I miss so many of them that have dropped out. Thanks to everyone else for staying around.

There is a horrendous stomach virus going around. It starts with massive amounts of flatulence and then screaming diarrhea. Angry Joyce fell it's victim last night. I will most likely fall it's victim soon. I have so much to look forward to.

The Ghost Chokes Mr. Chicken

There's a ghost in my bathroom named Mr. Crook.
So before you enter knock before you look.
For what you see there may make your heart go bump.
In seeing what makes the nightly bump.

Perched upon my porcelain throne
He fills the night with an eerie moan.
All through the infernal night,
He chokes his spectral chicken with all his might.

Beware this ghost and what he does at night,
For it is far worse than the usual fright.
It is a rude awakening for your morning whiz
To step into his ghostly jizz.

How About A Hug

After last Thursday's rant, I needed to find a story that would reaffirm my love for my fellow humans. I found just the story from China.

In China, a campaign for 'free hugs' has not really caught on. The concept of embracing is seen as a foreign tradition there. One girl is quoted as saying, ' Though some people refused. I hugged twenty people in one minute.'

It seems to me that with all the hostility in the world. A few good hugs could do everyone a great deal of good. I plan on going out today and giving out as many hugs as possible. So if some big bald dude comes up and gives you a big old hug today, don't call the cops or slap him. I am just trying to spread the love.

For the full story, click here.

Kiss My Ass You Hypothetical Bastard

In yet another glaring example that justice in America is a commodity sold to the highest fucking bidder, a new autobiography is being written by OJ Simpson.

Reportedly it contains OJ talking about how he could have hypothetically killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. This douchebag has not paid one single cent towards the settlement in their wrongful death and now he is going to make a killing on a fucking book with the working title, ' If I Did It.'

I say strap the bastard in the chair, stick me on the breaker switch, and let me make a mint off my book, ' If I Fried The Fucktard.'

For the story, click here.

Halloween Dreams

For me the costumed cuties rule the night.
Keep to yourself the shrieks and frights.
As for me, I'll take the jungle babes, the french maids
The wishes from the genie in a bottle and dark angels of all grades.

Naughty Nurses with push up bras,
Sexy vixens with cat claws,
Superbreasted Superheros like Wonder Woman and Storm.
Help the coldest Halloween stay cozy and warm.

Wishing all of you a Sexy Halloween with Vampire Brides
Geisha Girls, Jungle Babes, and Dark witches besides.
The best of times with latex and lace
When you can be what you want and not be out of place.

I Just Know That I Like It

Metal Mark finally lost his mind and allowed me a guest post slot on his Heavy Metal Revue site, Heavy Metal Time Machine. I broke from his traditional format and reviewed one of my favorite bands, ZZ Top, on one of their early albums, 'Tres Hombres.' I have to give them credit as being one of the first bands that I heard that really made me rock. I have never written a music revue but there is a first for everything. I hope you enjoy it over there.

I also have a personal reason for my first musical revue to be ZZ Top. I didn't know it at the time but I actually inadvertently stole one of their songs long ago. When Crazy Dan and Big D were very young, I would belt out ZZ Top's, 'TV Dinners', whenever Mom would have to work and I would slip in some TV Dinners for dinner. I never actually said that I had written the song but I never told them that it was a ZZ Top tune either.

Just last year, CD and Big D told me that they were watching a movie at the theater when 'TV Dinner' by ZZ Top was played. They both left the theater thinking that some group had stole my song. On returning home they looked up the song and found that I was not the original author of 'TV Dinner.' Maybe their image of me was tarnished a bit but I bet they were the only kids in Pre-K to know both the entire lyrics to a ZZ Top tune and the complete definition of hermaphodite ( but that is another story altogether). I guess I helped educate them right.
***********
This week's rant has been postponed until this weekend. Don't worry, I still have plenty to be pissed about.

Inmate Greeting Cards

Soon To Be Sold At Quality Prison Commisary's Everywhere. Here a few sample greetings.

*****
So I don't get raped in the poke.
Could you send a pack of smokes.
*****
My dear, I love you so.
Thanks for suitcasing that gram of blow.
*****
When I get a case of the droops,
I open up a package of soup.
Thanks for putting money on my commissary.
*****
The mattress is thin and the food is hell.
Life sucks at the county jail.
But here is a little birthday cheer.
Be thankful that you aren't here.
*****
I'm sorry that love hurts.
Thanks for being my prison bitch.
*****
I may be a prisoner of love.
But next cavity check could you lube your glove.
*****
Say hello to all my kin.
The judge just gave me five to ten.
*****
Thanks for sending me that pic of you at the ocean.
It comes in handy with a bottle of lotion.
*****
I knew that it would be tough behind bars of steel.
But I never thought that you would run off with my brother, Bill.
*****

Wonder what the pic has in common with the post. Check this out.

*********************

BTW, Go to Sar's and vote for me. Woo Hoo. One of my captions was finally nominated.

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man Is Snoring

Sorry for the no show, both here and at your sites. I haven't had a day off in quite awhile but I have one Tuesday. See ya then. Until then does anyone know where to get an ark, it is raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

Google My Ass

After seeing what a great job that Google has done with blogger, I can't wait to see how Google plans on fucking up You Tube.

*****
Why the fuck can't they make vending machines for plastic bottles like the old machines for glass bottles where you just put in your money, opened the door, and pulled one out of the machine. Fuck No, now it rolls around for fifteen minutes and comes out with the explosive power of a 10 kiloton bomb.

*****
And for you football fans, Cowboy fans in particular, I have a question. Who is the biggest fucktard, Drew Bledsoe for his lousy play or Bill Parcells for not pulling his ass?

In The Name Of Science

Ever since the first human invented the wheel
Science struggles to find the newest deal.
The How, The Why, The When, The Where
But sometimes I wonder why we care.

That mosquitos attack feet for their stench,
That finicky dung beatles at nasty shit will flinch.
Does it matter why nails on a chalkboard makes our spine squinch?
Or how many pictures does it take for a group shot with no eyes that flinch?

Some research is extremely vital
Like how to stop disease deadly and viral.
Or how to find someway to replace our dependence on gas.
But why do I need to know that one way to cure hiccups is a finger up your ass.

For the story that gave me inspiration, Click here.

The Twisted Test: Quiz #1

Taking on-line quizzes is a guilty pleasure of mine, so I decided to come up with a Blugstuff quiz. This quiz will help you find out if you have what it takes to be a happy person in a sick world. Each question has two answers. Just pick the one that pops in your head as correct.

1) Bambi:
A) A Cartoon Disney Deer.
B) A Blonde stripper with big fake Double D's.

2) Dirty Sanchez:
A) An illegal alien after a rough border crossing.
B) A somewhat deviant sexual practice involving face painting.

3) Snowball:
A) A round ball of packed snow for wintertime fun.
B) A truly disgusting sexual practice involving the swapping of more than spit.

4) The Olsen Twins:
A) Weren't they cute on Full House?
B) Now that they are legal, why haven't we seen them naked?

5) Floaties:
A) What children put on before going into the kiddie pool.
B) Ejaculate floating in the water after hot tub sex.

6) Tool:
A) A device used to perform a mechanical function.
B) An asshole that really pisses you off.

7) Hershey Highway:
A) A freeway in Pennsylvania named after the famous chocalate.
B) The name for the rectum when describing anal sex.

8) Rabbit:
A) A cute long eared mammal that munches on garden veggies.
B) A really funky new fangled sex toy.

9) Wang:
A) A proprietor of an all you can eat Chinese Buffet.
B) A Penis.

10) What the internet is best for:
A) Communicating with others across vast distances in a massive world community.
B) Porno Baby. HARDCORE PORNO!!!!

Now count the number of B's that you answered and check your score.

0 - Mary Poppins is a fictional character and Mother Theresa is dead. Who the hell are you?
1-3 - Shouldn't you really be at NickJr.com?
4-6 - You should know that sitting in the middle of the road will only get your ass run over.
7-9 - Just a few more steps down the road and you will be truly twisted.
10 - You sick freak, Welcome to my world!!! Wanna' do a guest post?

Kiss My Ass: It Ain't For Everyone

I recently received an e-mail from a long time reader. In the e-mail, she responded that she was upset over my language used in these Thursday rants. So I stuck in this parental advisory for readers sensitive to coarse language. Now that you have been properly warned, these readers can click to one of the PG rated blogs in their favorites list and kindly get the fuck out. But come on back now, ya hear.
*********************

What kind of perverted fucking world do we live in? Sure I am down with a certain amount of sickness. As long as it is hurting no one, I have to say no harm no foul. But what a fucking week.

Some fucktard goes and kills Amish girls and is only stopped from sexually abusing them by the police's quick response. And fucking Foley. I can't believe this perv is an elected official. When does he have any time to do anything but send nasty messages to boys? And why the fuck have his cronies and the fucking media been sitting on this story. Isn't the media's job to give us the fucking news?

There is a special corner in hell for pedophiles. I hope they all get there as quick as fucking possible. And that goes for all the asshole fucktard rejects that help them get away with it and put them back on the damned streets.

Delbert

Delbert was a hillbilly from the Arkansas sticks.
He moved to the hills of Kentucky in 2006.
He loved the grass of vivid green
And the whole land was a lovely scene.

He loved the folks, friendly and warm
The whole place had a wonderful charm
He loved the food from the grits to the ham
But he just couldn't get his favorite jam.

As much as he loved the grits
The Kentucky Jelly gave him the shits.
It had a bad taste and left a film from his mouth to his belly.
There was just no eating that KY Jelly.

Sick World Rules: Part One

The British bible of etiquette, Debrett's, has updated this year to keep up with modern times. Among topics discussed are; how to conduct a sleeze free adulterous affair, safe sex, and how to smoke at parties.

One choice quote is, 'Avoid dark alley gropery and unladylike fumbling in the back of a cab.' I might add a few choice tips for more mannered debauchery.

A lady never spits. Think happy thoughts and just swallow.

Do not answer a phone while having intercourse. Ringing sounds might have been sexually stimulating to the Hunchback of Notre Dame but not to the average man.

Never ask for favors or material possesions to a man after intercourse. Sure he is at a weak point and could be induced into just about anything but there is a word that sums up sex for material gain; prostitution.

Click here for the Yahoo News Story.