Monday, February 20, 2006
How To Talk Like A West Texan: Part One?
I like to think that I am carrying on the tradition of Mark Twain in my writing by injecting homespun phrases and colorful regional metaphors and not just the fact that I write this way because I am a hick from the sticks (call it self-delusional; if you must.)
I thought that I would post a few of my favorite sayings and words that I have grown up hearing. I know that some of these are not just local phrases but the way they are said or the way that they are used might be unique.
I will first list the word or phrase and then a definition. I know that you have probably heard me use some of these phrases and at times you might have wondered just what in the hell am I saying.
1) Richer than nine feet up a bull's ass. - Very financially secure.
2) Dryer than a popcorn fart. - The weather condition most applicable in West Texas.
3) Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock. - An unusual weather condition in West Texas.
4) Tighter than a little mouses ear. - A desirous quality of the female anatomy.
5) That girl is so purty that I would pay 5 dollars to sleep with her brother. - Used to describe a very attractive female.
6) Gooder than snot. - Used to describe a food item after someone has asked how it tastes. Can mean that it is actually good or can be used so as not to hurt the feelings of the cook.
7) Grubby little dick beaters. - A mans hands, most often used in conjunction with, 'Get those grubby little dick beaters off of me.'
8) Hornier than a three legged billy goat. - I have always wondered about this one. Is the goat horny because he is propping himself up with his penis or is he horny from dragging his pecker in the dirt? I really don't know.
9) Wilder than three cats f**kin'. - Listening to the sexual act of two cats is crazy enough but add a third and you have something.
10) Since Jesus wore knee-britches. - A long time indeed.
11) Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight. - Used when describing in-laws and less than intelligent co-workers.
12) I'm so happy I could shit. - Why? I don't really know but it is a sarcastic thing to say when someone asks how you are doing.
13) I wouldn't piss up his ass if his gut's was on fire. - Used when describing a very sorry sumbitch.
14) Sun's gotta shine on a dog's ass ever once in awhile. - Used to describe when some lucky incident comes your way.
15) She's so ugly that she'd make a freight train take a dirt road. - Now that is ugly folks.
The list could go on and on but I will stop at that for today. I might be able to crank off two or three posts with this topic. Because as they say around here, 'I'm so full of shit that my eyes are turnin' brown.'