Monday, February 20, 2006

How To Talk Like A West Texan: Part One?

I like to think that I am carrying on the tradition of Mark Twain in my writing by injecting homespun phrases and colorful regional metaphors and not just the fact that I write this way because I am a hick from the sticks (call it self-delusional; if you must.)

I thought that I would post a few of my favorite sayings and words that I have grown up hearing. I know that some of these are not just local phrases but the way they are said or the way that they are used might be unique.

I will first list the word or phrase and then a definition. I know that you have probably heard me use some of these phrases and at times you might have wondered just what in the hell am I saying.

1) Richer than nine feet up a bull's ass. - Very financially secure.

2) Dryer than a popcorn fart. - The weather condition most applicable in West Texas.

3) Rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock. - An unusual weather condition in West Texas.

4) Tighter than a little mouses ear. - A desirous quality of the female anatomy.

5) That girl is so purty that I would pay 5 dollars to sleep with her brother. - Used to describe a very attractive female.

6) Gooder than snot. - Used to describe a food item after someone has asked how it tastes. Can mean that it is actually good or can be used so as not to hurt the feelings of the cook.

7) Grubby little dick beaters. - A mans hands, most often used in conjunction with, 'Get those grubby little dick beaters off of me.'

8) Hornier than a three legged billy goat. - I have always wondered about this one. Is the goat horny because he is propping himself up with his penis or is he horny from dragging his pecker in the dirt? I really don't know.

9) Wilder than three cats f**kin'. - Listening to the sexual act of two cats is crazy enough but add a third and you have something.

10) Since Jesus wore knee-britches. - A long time indeed.

11) Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight. - Used when describing in-laws and less than intelligent co-workers.

12) I'm so happy I could shit. - Why? I don't really know but it is a sarcastic thing to say when someone asks how you are doing.

13) I wouldn't piss up his ass if his gut's was on fire. - Used when describing a very sorry sumbitch.

14) Sun's gotta shine on a dog's ass ever once in awhile. - Used to describe when some lucky incident comes your way.

15) She's so ugly that she'd make a freight train take a dirt road. - Now that is ugly folks.

The list could go on and on but I will stop at that for today. I might be able to crank off two or three posts with this topic. Because as they say around here, 'I'm so full of shit that my eyes are turnin' brown.'


Anelize said...

Hehe. I've heard a few of these, so they've made it out of West Texas. Namely, the popcorn fart one, and the full of shit eyes turning brown one. But, as we all know, our world is just getting smaller and smaller :)

I'm looking forward to more of these gems!

Big D said...

Dad always used to tell me "a buzzard shit on a flat rock and the sun hatched you." so add that one. I always knew I was adopted.

Vic said...

LMAO! I've heard a lot of those and I'm with you on the billy goat - never quite understood, but its still funny.'s the GA version - use as you see fit in your future compilations

Colder than a well diggers ass. Happier than 3 pigs in mud. Busier than a cat covering crap on a wood floor. I'll slap you into the middle of next week where you'll be looking both ways for Sunday. That's the best thing since sliced bread and chunky peanut butter.

Now, you MUST tell me about the me please.

Sherri said...

Well, I'm not from west Texas, but, I've got one.

'since Moby Dick was a minnow'

meaning-a really really long time.

phred said...

Fuzz, # 15 kinda struck a chord with me...see, I was an ugly kid.
I was sooo ugly...I had to trick or treat on the telephone.
And poor too...sooo Christmas we wuz broke, so mother cut the bottoms out of my pants pockets so I would have something to play with.
Now that`s phunny, I don`t care who you are.

phred said...

Sorry, I got off the subject a little.

Please explain the phrase...''Tighter than Dicks hatband''.

:P fuzzbox said...

anelize: The tube and the net along with the jet have indeed made the world a smaller place. These phrases or some very similar are probably spoken around the country if not the world.

big d: I think that is one of Dad's favorite sayings. We all got that one.

vic: Those are good. I especcially like the busy cat. I have a few more cat phrases for round two.

sherri: That is a looong time.

phred: I was going to add the pockets phrase when I was posting but decided against it as it was too much typing. But it damn sure is funny. The hatband one is kind of like the billy goat one to me. I hear it quite ofter but have no idea where the hell it came from. I always thought that it might mean a tight fitting condom but that is just the way my mind works.

siren said...

You should do one of those daily calendars with a "phrase of the day". Each day you'd have to incorporate the phrase into your daily routine - before long, we'd all be speaking West Texas style!

My favorite expression - "busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest".

Pixie said...

I'm so happy I could shit. I have heard people use this expression in the UK too .
My fave is 15 LOL

Jim said...

so ugly you'd have to hang a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her

Shay said...

"Tighter than a little mouses ear"

I will take that as a compliment the next time someone says that to me ^_~

Ben Heller said...

Great Post Fuzz !

The girl's so purty I'd pay $5 to sleep with her brother......priceless !

:P fuzzbox said...

siren: When I first started this blog, I posted a phrase of the weekend. I might do something like that again. I have always liked that one and busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

pixie: So I actually do speak some English, cool!

jim: That's ugly. There is also uglier than sin and so ugly that she could stop an eight day alarm clock.

shay: As well you should :)

ben: Thanks. She would have to be awfully good looking.

cleveland said...

ahhh yes the ebonics of west texas your post is "neater than a skeeters peter" had to add that one good post fuzz

Laurie said...

LOL.. those are funny!!

The sound of a kitty threesome.. hahahaha...

I just hope that y'all don't really do that to a mouses ear, though ;-)

Ann Alsex said...

Aaahh, fuxxie, that post was cuter than a speckled pup.

Ann Alsex said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
:P fuzzbox said...

cleveland: Nice addition!

laurie: Pretty Wild huh. And mice are strictly off limits, they have fleas ya know.

ann: Got a brother? ;)

The Phoenix said...

It seems the local color of language is built upon similes and metaphors. I think it's interesting how different parts of the country sort of have their own versions of these colloquialisms.

My favorite: "It's raining heavier than a bull pissing on a flat rock."

I'm not exactly sure just what the hell that means.

ozymandiaz said...

I'm familiar with most of these or at least variations like "she so tight you could put in cole and pull out a diamond". There's also "She's so fine I would munch five yards of shit crunching corn all the way just to get a look at that thing","Finer than frog snot", and "he's so ugly the cat tried burying him in sand box."

There there are these;
"Mad as a broke dick dog"
"three shakes short of fun"

Awsome post

Vic said...

Oh Fuzz, I just heard my coworker say at lunch..."That tastes so good that if you put it on top of your head your tongue would beat your brains out trying to get to it."

Bruce said...

One of my faves is "uglier than homemade soap".

My dad had a D.I. from Texas when he was in the Marines, and when he got pissed off at a recruit, he'd tell the guy, "I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your head and fart it dry, boy!"

:P fuzzbox said...

phoenix: All I can say is that a bull has a hell of a stream.

ozy: Good ones all. But don't forget the girl that is so good looking that you would drink her bathwater.

vic: I will have to remember that one. Anything that good would be crazzie tastee!

bruce: That DI sounds like he might come from just around the corner. And that is a good description of ugly. It seems that a lot of sayings are about how ugly something or someone is.

phred said...

More West Texas weather terms :

Hotter than a $2 pistol.

Dryer than a popcorn fart.

Keshi said...

lolz thanks for some intro to Texan slang :)

** That girl is so purty that I would pay 5 dollars to sleep with her brother. - Used to describe a very attractive female.

didnt get that tho...hehe...why would u pay $5 to sleep with a guy if ur a guy...ok Im dumb, just ignore!


Rocky said...

Haha!!! These are absolutely priceless phrases. I have too many favorites to pick just one. Hilarious post!

My Dad - an Iowan - has used a couple of those so he must have been inspired by a West Texan at some point of his life.

Here's one not on your list...
"Hotter than two rats screwing inside of a wool sock."

:P fuzzbox said...

phred: That is hot.

keshi: That is perfectly alright. Some of these sayings have tricky meanings. My guess on that one has to do with family resemblance. That and she is that good looking.

jane said...

I have brown eyes. Whatchu sayin bout me, Willis?
I'm gonna use #7 on Tarzan tonight! hehe
Maybe #8 means the billy goat cant mount a female billy goat with only 1 back leg?
Okay okay, so I am like a mouse's ear...but no, my brother isn't for sale! (at least not for $5. do we have a higher bidder?)

Had me in stitches, fuzz!

Keshi said...

**My guess on that one has to do with family resemblance

ROFL! Good one!


:P fuzzbox said...

jane: Thanks, but if you are packin' a #4 you might have to be quite vocal about the #7 to get him to back off.

keshi: Thanks :)

angel, jr. said...

Dryer than a popcorn fart!

April said...

Oh, being from the South as well...I've heard so many of these. I am definitely a hick from the sticks, but I have so completely never understood #8 or #12...I mean, come on.

And luckily, it's warm here today...or I'd say one of my mom's favorite things..."It's colder than a well-digger's butt in Idaho." Heh...

Thanks for visiting me, blogrolling me, and enjoying what I write. Nice compliment from such as you.

Divine Calm said...

I'm sure Mark Twain would get a chuckle or two out of your phrases.

:P fuzzbox said...

angel jr: That's dry.

april: The Idaho bit is new to me but the rest of the phrase is used quite often around here.

divine calm: You are much too kind. He might just roll over in his grave hearing me invoke his name on my drivel.

ozymandiaz said...

i forgot one of my favorites...
useless as tits on a hog

:P fuzzbox said...

Ozy, dang that was going to be on my next one. But they add a word around here and say, 'Useless as tits on a boar hog.' I've got plenty though.

Anonymous said...

re: "tighter than a mouses ear"
"tight" used to be slang for drunk, so, I think, at least at one point in time, the expression was of the same class as "three sheets to the wind/pink elephants/etc." rather than being an anatomical allusion. If it were the anatomical allusion that was intended, it wouldn't make much sense for Virginia O'Brien to have said it when singing "Did I get stinkin' at the Club Savoy" (a song about getting unintentionally wasted at a party).

Hilarious list. Some of them actually had me crying I was laughing so hard.

Mega Glide said...

In the rest of the country, 8 would be "Hornier than a two peckered billy goat", which makes way more sense.

bruslieboy said...

I think that phrase is "useless as fits on a boar hog".

bruslieboy said...

I think that phrase is "useless as fits on a boar hog".

Anonymous said...

I have heard: "being hornier than a two peckerd billy goat." Gez, who invents this stuff?