Thursday, December 01, 2005

West Texas Nutrition 101 - A

Before I start this series of posts, I would like to state that this is not meant to be a comprehensive guide on the subject. It is only a primer for those individuals who may for one god- forsaken reason or another find themselves in West Texas and do not wish to commit any social blunder concerning the cuisine of this area and for those residents who have forsaken their culinary roots and now wish to re-enter the fold. I am sure that certain omissions or vaguaries of terminology will occur so all suggestions for possible amendments, additions, or editing will be given due consideration. With that out of the way, I bring you:

Lesson 1 - Basic Food Groups

1) Fruits and Vegatables:
As far as vegatables are concerned, you cannot go wrong with the three staples; beans, 'taters, and corn on the cob. Other acceptable vegatables are okry, squarsh, jalepeno peppers, onions and home grown tomaters. As the old song tells us, 'There is only two things that money can't buy and that's true love and homegrown tomaters.' All other vegatables are suspect as you are essentially stealing the food source of real people food which is meat. If you are in a West Texas restaurant and are given the choice between salad or soup always choose the chili. This is important as it could affect the swiftness of the waitstaff when bringing beer refills.

Most all fruits are acceptable provided that they are cooked in an acceptable fashion, which is either baked in a pie, cake, or cobbler or if they are sliced up and swimming in Cool Whip.

2) Dairy Products:
Dairy products consist of: Milk which is essential for breakfast flakes. Butter for slathering on toast or cooking items which don't produce enough essential grease on their own. Cheese for burgers or hell everything is better with cheese and remember cheese in a can is not only handy but is nutritional gold in a can. Eggs which along with salsa and enchilada's is a key tool in fighting hangovers. Cool Whip and remember although Reddi-Whip is handy for sexual purposes has almost no nutriative value due to the laughing gas which releases the Reddi-Whip. Although that has uses of which I will not discuss here. Ice Cream which is essential for a decent cobbler.

3) Grains and Cereals:
This is an important part of the healthy diet of any West Texan as it is the essential ingrediant behind breakfast cereal, white bread, tortillas, and approved desserts such as cakes, pies, and cobblers.

4) Meat:
Now this is real food and includes any animal flesh that can be killed, caught, fished, or scooped off the side of the road after being runned over before it gets to ripe. From armadillos to zebras, all creatures can be made edible and even tasty if cooked using time tested methods. More on these methods in Lesson Three.

5) Gravies and Greases:
In West Texas, it is known that food is better when something is added to help make it slide down better for digestion and to enhance the taste. It is so important that it is a food group in and of itself, eventhough its ingredients are derived from the other food groups.

Gravies: The three main vareities of gravies includes cream gravy, brown gravy, and Tex-Mex gravy. In a future post, the uses of these gravies will be dealt with in greater detail.

Greases: It would be impossible to overstate the importance of good grease in preparing West Texas Cooking. Although lard has lost favor, it is still used by some but most of it's uses have been replaced by vegatable shortening and oil. In times past all kitchens had three coffee cans for catching the three main greases. These three greases are bacon grease, chicken grease, and fish grease and woe to the child, when it was their turn to clean up the kitchen and they poured a skillet of grease into the wrong can.

This concludes the first edit of West Texas Nutrition Lesson One and the next will cover condiments, drinks, sauces, and dips. My thanks to everyone who has contributed their suggestions and shown interest in the subject.


Crazy Dan said...

Good lesson but you forgot the ranch dressing. I have yet to see a female born in the West Texas area that did not eat ranch dressing. We have a saying the goes a woman will eat anything as long as it has ranch dressing on it. Some of the first blowjobs I received was because of ranch dressing so it is a vital part of any foor group.

:P fuzzbox said...

Crazy Dan: It is my belief that ranch dressing is the crack of condiments. Not only is it used for legitimate reasons such as you state but for much more heinous uses such as dipping (and I shudder at the thought) broccoli, cauliflower, and other previously inedible vegatables. The world would be a much safer place if this ungodly buttermilk concoction was never invented.

Anelize said...

Yikes. Miracle Whip?? I do believe I might have to starve. Although the idea of salsa with everything sounds scrumptiliuptumpsious!! I can't wait until the next installment :)

Laurie said...

I love all of that stuff except for armadillos and ranch dressing.. Dan-o, you'd have struck out with me, unless you were dipped in bleu-cheese! ;-)

:P fuzzbox said...

anelize: How can anyone not like the tangy zip of Miracle Whip? But seriously, I myself am a mustard man but as Miracle Whip is a key ingredient to the old bar-b-q standby, Tater Salad, I felt I must include it.

laurie: Good to see that you haven't been corrupted by the evil influence of ranch dressing. It has destroyed many and so few people are standing up against this scourge of society. But I am sorry to say that I must disagree on Bleu Cheese, it smells like feet and is spelled ass backwards. And that is just not right.

Crazy Dan said...

I myself do not like the ranch dressing but it is a fact that I have had to adapt too. as blugstuff knows the female creatures will suck a dick to get their fix.

Ann Alsex said...

I prefer French Dressing :D

Big D said...

I must add a few admentments to the condiments. Queso. Queso is made with cheese and salsa but can and should be labeled seprately. Also, BBQ sause must be added seperatly if ketchup is, as I tend to eat more things with BBQ sauce then Ketchup. Last thing added to the admentment, A1 sauce. This condiment is only used in dire circumstances, as in burnt meat.

As any real West Texas knows anything over medium rare is burning. All meat grilled should have healthy natural drippings so that a roll can be used to soak up after the meal.

:P fuzzbox said...

crazy dan: I feel your pain but one must do what he has to in order to survive, I guess.

ann: I thought you might.

big d: I agree with the queso and the bar-b-q sauce that was a severe oversight on my part. But I cannot condone the use of A-1 sauce because it is the devil. If meat is severely overcooked (above medium) then it should be made into jerky and not foisted upon anyone.

phred said...

Visit your nearest Road Kill Cafe, the menue includes..

''Grilled'' Bambie Burgers
'' Flattened'' blackened frog legs
and my favorite..
'' Windshield'' quail.
Make you slap yo mamma.

Fuzz, also include.. any homemade BBQ sauce should have beer as a ingredient .

Reiki said...

If it gets you off, it's got to be good. Can I adopt that as my motto? I think y'all should write a cookbook. This is vital information for the Yankee transplants living in the south.

:P fuzzbox said...

phred: You are right about the quail. It is pre-tenderized. And you are right about the sauce, I myself fix it semi-homemade by taken store bought sauce and adding my own spices and touch but I always add beer.

dear jane: Glad you liked the motto consider it yours. It is kinda like what George Thorogood said when Arnold bought the rights to 'Bad to the Bone'.'It just won't work for anyone else cause it fits too good on him.' And in later posts I will add a few downhome recipes.

jane said...

"Remember to be suspect of water cause everyone knows that fish fuck in the water"

Oh my gawd! You've got me in stitches here Fuzzbox! I LOVE water. But now, I dunno. I don't think I can ever drink it again without thinking about what I may be swallowing.

Laurie said...

Fish poop in the water, too! LOL

:P fuzzbox said...

jane & laurie: I have on occasion had to choose between extreme thirst and the suspicious beverage of water. And on those occasions, I have bellied up to horse troughs and climbed down and drank from stock tanks and on none of these occasions did I suffer any lingering aftereffects. It's just not something that I wish to risk on a daily basis.

:P fuzzbox said...

A great suggestion has come to me via big d from a loyal reader of this humble blog. This lovely lady has suggested that gravy has an importance of it's own here in West Texas and deserves to be a food group of it's own. While pondering this I happen to agree but with a qualifier so now I am off to edit the post and due to my own personal space constraints have elected to change beverages and condiments to a lesson on its own.

Shay said...

"okry" ? Is that like Okra? I luuuurve okra. ^_^

:P fuzzbox said...

shay: You got it and okry is the bomb.

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