Saturday, March 15, 2008

Oatmeal's Just Not Worth It

I caught a tip on The Food Network for oatmeal lovers on the go. Alton Brown showed how to make a good batch of oatmeal while staying in a hotel. He explained how the complimentary coffee pot in hotel rooms made for a perfect oatmeal cooking contraption. First dump your instant oatmeal packet in the coffee pot along with a packet of honey and a tub of jelly. then stick an herbal tea bag in the basket, add water, and crank it up.

First, I am thinking, 'You lazy fuck. Put on some damn pants and head downstairs for the complimentary Continental Breakfast. Eat some fucking doughnuts or if you have to be a health nut, eat a bowl of Cheerio's and shut the fuck up' Next, I am thinking that if you fucked up the coffeepot by making some damned oatmeal, you are going to piss the maid off in a bad way.

I can picture her going to clean up the room and spotting the crusted up oatmeal pot. 'Damn that sum beech, I have to clean up his spunked on Kleenex and now he leaves me thees shit. I will gut that pindaho like a feesh.'

The front manager would then have to go talk to Alton and inform him that he should leave the hotel immediately. They have let Consuela off for the rest of the day but if she returns things could get hairy.

I wouldn't blame them for kicking him out. Anyone who would rather screw up a coffeepot, than eat a free doughnut deserves to sleep in his car.


Lolly said...

I agree.

And nice drawing of young Consuela.

Phats said...

haha I love this post fuzz!

I am not a fan of oatmeal and I would never turn down anything free so Continental breakfast here I come, that is if I am awake for breakfast.

What a Lazy SOB!

ozymandiaz said...

I guess I shouldn't mention here then what I have done in motel coffee pots...
DUDE, glad to see you back amongst the vicariously living.

golfwidow said...

Was this before or after the episode where Alton Brown said he wouldn't feed instant oatmeal to a horse?

For that matter, was it before or after the doughnut episode?

Dammit, AB, pick an opinion and stick with it.

michaelm said...

I really like Alton Brown but it sounds like he's pushing the envelope here. He's a very creative guy but for cripe's sake, wake up and smell the complimentary coffee.
Lord only knows he has the money for Eggs Benedict 8 days a week.
Sheesh . . .

red said...

but what if i dont like oatmeal?

TOPolk said...

No love for grits? What a pity.

:P fuzzbox said...

lolly: Thanks!

phats: Hell yeah. Free stuff is the best stuff.

ozy: It's good to be back.

golfwidow: I try not to pay to much attention to Alton. Although I must say that his chili recipe and mine concur on one point. No Beans!!!

michael: And he should know some good enough chefs not to fuck with oatmeal in a coffeepot.

red: Go for the doughnuts.

topolk: Grits would clog up the coffeepot even worse. And no-one should eat instant grits. That's just wrong. Take it from Vinnie.