blugstuff

In Memoriam

2008-05-26T13:07:00.006-05:00

This is the day set aside to remember those valiant men and women, who have paid the highest price to protect our freedom. I am thankful for the liberties that these brave warriors fought for so bravely. Happy Memorial Day.

Crazee Tastee Chicken

2008-05-18T11:00:00.007-05:00

I am somewhat of an addict when it comes to barbecuing. Every weekend, you can find me out in my backyard with either my smoker or my grill fired up and a cold one in my hand. I haven't done a cooking post in awhile so I thought that I would share a method of cooking chicken that can't be beat.

I use my smoker but if you don't have a smoker any indirect cooking method on a grill will work. Here in West Texas, mesquite wood is yours for the picking. Drive down any dirt road and mesquite wood is just lieing there in the bar ditch. But if you aren't so lucky then charcoal on a Weber style grill with a roasting pan in the middle works fairly well.

First take a whole chicken and pull out all the innards that come packed in wax paper and shoved up the chickens ass and set them aside. Take a dry rub and sprinkle it on and pat it in. I use Stubb's because I am basically lazy and I love Stubb's barbecue but if I am out of Stubb's, I mix up black and red pepper, seasoning salt, garlic powder, paprika, cumin, and anything else that I can find in the spice rack that looks appealing.

Next drink about a quarter of a can of beer, then insert the can up the chickens wazoo. Perch the beer can chicken on your grill. And sit back and relax. You don't have to worry about flare ups. Just keep the fire going and the beer steaming up into the chicken assures that the chicken will not dry out.

Next for a tasty snack while waiting for the chicken to get done. Take a cast iron skillet and pour in about half a can of beer, a big dab of butter, the chicken innards, and salt and pepper to taste. It will be done quicker than the chicken and is good slathered over a chunk of bread.

Happy Mother's Day '08

2008-05-11T17:43:00.003-05:00

Happy Mother's Day To All.

Shots

2008-05-04T17:09:00.005-05:00

AJ saw a friend yesterday at the grocery store. Her friend is usually one of those women that dress at the height of fashion, with make up on, and hair just so, even when out only going grocery shopping. On this occasion however AJ's friend looked like she had been run through a ringer. She wore no make up and her hair was disheveled even worse than Ryan Seacrest.

AJ asked her what was up. The friend stated that about a week ago, her two year old's puppy had been hit by a car. Although the pup had not died, it was in very bad shape and had to be euthanized. The friend had explained to her child that the puppy would have to go to the animal doctor. There the veterinarian would give the puppy a shot. After that the puppy would go to heaven and have bunny rabbits to chase and would be able to run and play again just like before the car accident.

AJ still wondered why her friend looked like hell on this particular day so she asked her friend what she had been doing today. Her friend then told her that today was the day that she took her two year old in for her vaccination shots.

It must have been hell trying to convince the child that she wouldn't be chasing bunnies in heaven after a vaccination. I don't know but her friend should have thought about that trip a little in advance.

Cleavage For Christ

2008-04-27T17:02:00.004-05:00

AJ, the boy, and myself went to the city today to do a little shopping. We stopped and ate lunch at CiCi's Pizza. It isn't my favorite place in the world to eat but it has pretty good pizza, it's all you can eat, and it's cheap. All parents of pre-teen boys can understand the virtues of these three elements. We showed up around 1:00 pm and arrived after one round of After-Church eaters and before the next round.

We made our way through the buffet line and easily found a clean table, as the busboys were hastily cleaning the many recently vacated seats. Just as we started to eat, in walked the next round of After-Church eaters. It seemed that there was no end to the line of people walking in. One other thing caught my attention. The group was mostly women. And the great majority of them were very well endowed and wearing low cut dresses that showed off cleavage for days. Now I have never given thought of joining any cult but this group of large breasted women could very well make a believer out of me.

As they came off the line, they started pushing the small tables together. In short order they had surrounded us. Cleavage to the left of me, cleavage to the right, cleavage in front, and cleavage behind. We finished up our lunch and headed out on our merry way before being totally engulfed in breasts. (AJ seemed to be in a bit of a hurry.)

I can't help but keep thinking on a religion based on 'Cleavage for Christ.' The way that they showed such togetherness by pushing their tables together and breaking bread with one another. They seemed so inseparable that even a Cross Your Heart Bra could not keep them apart. It's enough to melt even the heart of a hardened cynic. Yes amazing breasts how sweet the sight that saved a wretch like me.

That's What Friends Are For

2008-04-18T19:56:00.003-05:00

Not being a big C&W fan for the most part, I generally don't watch CMT but as not a damn thing is on television Friday nights, I found myself watching, 'Can You Duet'. Tonight was the audition stage and since it is basically a reformatted country duo version of American Idol it used the same formula. Every once in a while a decent act followed by a dozen no talent bums. One duo got my attention though.

A couple of the contestants stated to the host before they went on that they were a group and there was no way that they would split up if the judges picked one but not the other. Sure enough it happened. The judges liked one of the girls but not the other. When asked if she would like to go on without her partner, the girl needed a few moments to think it over. They walked out into the hallway and the chosen girl cried and said she wouldn't do it. The passed over girl gave her a hug and said nothing.

What kind of friend is that? Friends don't hold friends back. She should have offered her congratulations, wished her friend luck, and told her that she would take care of her friends pets, plants, etc. and then if she needed to get even she could always bang her friends boyfriend. After all that's what friends are for.

On a side note, the chosen girl eventually told the judges that she would go on, the friends hugged and all was well.

Fat Chicks Can't Jump

2008-04-11T19:00:00.004-05:00

There is an ignorant redneck fuck driving around town in a jacked up pickup truck. All across his rear glass is a mural that reads, 'Lift It - Fat Chicks Can't Jump.'

I hate to tell this dumbass but while it might be true that Fat Chicks Can't Jump, it is equally true that a mob of large pissed off women can jerk him out of his truck and beat the living hell out of him.

A Lounge Around Post

2008-04-10T19:39:00.003-05:00

For a long time, I resisted lounge pants. In the summer, I wear shorts around the house and during winter, I wore my Wranglers both at the house and out and about. AJ had tried to get me to buy some lounge pants seemingly forever, but I refused. I never saw lounge pants as the manliest of garbs. I am not saying that I thought that a wearer of lounge pants was gay or anything, it just didn't seem right. Soft cotton on men seemed suited for t-shirts and drawers but I was always about some tough ass denim to protect me from the hazards of the world.

But a couple of years ago, AJ got tricksy. She bought me a pair of lounge pants for Christmas, but she didn't give them to me as a gift. No she was much tricksier than that. She had my young son give them to me as a Christmas gift. That way when I opened the gift in front of his bright smiling hopeful face, I was forced to say thank you and beam with dumb-eyed gratitude when he asked if I liked them. I was even forced to wear them.

And you know what, Damn them things were comfortable. And AJ had even bought a manlier pair than most that I had seen. They had tribal designs and skulls all over them. For the past two years, I have worn the everlovin' shit out of my lounge pants. I have never bought another pair but by god I wear these sumbitches all the time around the house. (I still would never be seen in public in the damn things.)

I leave em crumbled up beside my side of the bed when I'm not wearing them until AJ finally gets sick of it and hauls it to the laundry room. Hell, I just wear them around the house. How could they get dirty after one to two dozen wearings? But now my lounge pants have seen better days. And I know that no matter how many times that I tell AJ that they are fine and they are just now getting to their optimal comfort level, soon I will come home and find them missing. Like a favorite pair of holey underwear, or a well in broke barbecue-stained tee-shirt.

Yes soon I must shop for some more lounge pants. Maybe this time I won't get a pair with skulls but I do need a pair that is manly as lounge pants can get. Perhaps with large breasted naked women. Hell I'm just wearing them around the house. It could get me two fold entertainment value, in the first place it will make AJ even angrier and two if the Jehovah's Witness Man shows up at my door, I will give him something to pray about.

I'm Back

2008-04-09T18:12:00.004-05:00

I suppose it is strange but I couldn't stop hanging around this place and with every comment that I read, I felt like sticking up a post. I found in the short time that I was gone (compared to the long time that I was gone), that there are some things that I just can't say anywhere else. This was my first home in blogging. It is where I first found my voice to spew my nonsense at the world, and I can't post the pin-ups that I love so much at my other joint. So Fuzz is back. I have missed him.

Damn, I sound blogpolar. I really need to work on this multiple blog personality thing.

Buh-Bye

2008-03-30T08:34:00.004-05:00

I am killing off Fuzz. I have been blogging as :P Fuzzbox since July 17, 2005. It has been a blast and I truly appreciate every single reader who has ever came here. I have seen bloggers come and I have seen bloggers go and it always saddens me when a good blogfriend leaves. For a long time, I have had a multiple blogger personality. For these, I have had different blogs. At one time, I wrote for five different blogs on a regular basis. Maybe that is why I burned out and took a hiatus for three months.

I started one of my blogs after my brother, Big D, told me that Blugstuff had become fluff and that it had lost it's edge. After really looking at it through his perspective, I had to admit that he had a good point. I had become a blogwhore; worrying too much about what people would think rather than what I wanted to say. Although I could admit that I was a blogwhore, I was not prepared to stop being one here. At that time, I started another blog that was filled with venom, it was irreverent, dirty, and took no prisoners.

Since coming back from hiatus, it has become increasingly hard to find my voice here. But my voice on my other site, has grown exponentially. Therefore I am taking my act on the road, packing up my keyboard, and setting up shop at the other site. For those of you who do not know or haven't guessed my other site and want to keep on blogging with me, drop me an e-mail. I have to warn you that I am not so warm and fuzzy over there. Sure in the comment section, you will find that I am still the same old person that I always have been but the posts. Take my foulest most venom filled posts here and multiply it by ten and there you have at.

Until next time Blogosphere, Good Night, This is :P Fuzzbox signing out.

It's The Real Thing

2008-03-25T09:05:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I had my weekly indulgence of a real Coke. No I am not talking about Coca Cola Classic over Diet Coke, I am talking about a real honest to goodness Coke. I have always heard the rumor that the New Coke bullshit idea was just an attempt to pull the wool over peoples eyes thinking that the real Coca Cola was back. When the switch happened Coke was made with pure cane sugar. After the New Coke crap was shit canned, Coca Cola Classic came back sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. Like a lot of folks, I dropped my Pepsi can and came back to the close to real thing. But now I have found that Real Coke is still around. It's just a little harder to find and comes straight out of Mexico.

Pop the top on the 12 ounce glass bottle, and let the frost filter up the bottle and it is a trip back to the coke days of yesteryear. When a real Coke was the real thing. In all it's sugar rushed glory.

Pick Me The Winner

2008-03-23T11:04:00.005-05:00

Like every sports nut, I do up my brackets every March for March Madness. And just like most sports nuts, every year my picks suck swamp water. This year, Phat's invited me to join his bracket contest. This time around something miraculous happened. No I sucked just as bad as most years, but luckily I sucked the least in the West bracket. So far I have only correctly picked 5 out of 8 but so far UCLA is still in it to win it.

So thanks Phat's for letting me play. In case anyone wants to know. My picks for the final four are still in it to win it. So I will predict out the final four. In the East, I don't see anyone knocking off North Carolina. In the Midwest, it's a toss up between Kansas and Georgetown. They both look damned good but I have to give Georgetown the edge. In the South, I have to go with Stanford although I will be rooting for Texas. In the West, UCLA just keeps on finding ways to win.

In the final four, I think North Carolina and UCLA will come out on top. And in a barn burner, UCLA will find a way to come out with a way to win the big dance.

For those not interested in basketball brackets I have stolen and listed a few reasons why basketball is possibly better than sex.

There is always a coach that can tell you the best time to take it to the hole.
You know you are done when the horn sounds
Being double teamed is common.
You always try to score in 24 seconds.
There's always someone with a towel to come up and wipe up the wet spots.

Jokes stolen here.

Mr. Clean

2008-03-19T20:47:00.005-05:00

Here's a little tale of a man named John

A sexy motherscratcher with an apron on.

He dusted and polished and mopped up the floor

He washed the dishes did the wash and a whole lot more.

When asked why he did all these housekeeping chores,

His reply was simply, 'He shoots and he scores.

When the little woman sees what I've done all the day,

Then at night is when it's my turn to play.

When I give it all that I have

She even will dress as a schoolgirl gone bad.

For my inspiration, click here.

Now It's Really 'Ladies' Night

2008-03-18T10:19:00.007-05:00

Leave it to the Russians. Now they have created a vodka just for the ladies. It comes in lime, vanilla, almond, and straight up for cocktails. If ever they decide to go for the American market, they will have a tough time choosing a spokeswoman. Who to pick? There are just too many choices. I am sure that Paris, Lindsey, Britney, Tara, or any number of young drunken celebrities would work wonders for the new vodka brand. I would just advise the company not to use their mug shots for advertising.

And while the 'Ladies' brand is upscale perhaps they can market a cheaper brand. I think that 'Drunken Slut' pure grain alcohol would be a top seller.

For the Yahoo News story, click here.

The Burning Question in Politics Today

2008-03-17T09:39:00.003-05:00

With all the hullabaloo over sex and politics regarding the Crime busting governor of New York, I have only one question. Is she to be referred to as Spitzer's Spitter or Spitzer's swallower? Because if the taxpayers money was spent on a high class ho, I really hope she swallowed. It pisses me off when taxpayer money is wasted.

Oatmeal's Just Not Worth It

2008-03-15T19:54:00.003-05:00

I caught a tip on The Food Network for oatmeal lovers on the go. Alton Brown showed how to make a good batch of oatmeal while staying in a hotel. He explained how the complimentary coffee pot in hotel rooms made for a perfect oatmeal cooking contraption. First dump your instant oatmeal packet in the coffee pot along with a packet of honey and a tub of jelly. then stick an herbal tea bag in the basket, add water, and crank it up.

First, I am thinking, 'You lazy fuck. Put on some damn pants and head downstairs for the complimentary Continental Breakfast. Eat some fucking doughnuts or if you have to be a health nut, eat a bowl of Cheerio's and shut the fuck up' Next, I am thinking that if you fucked up the coffeepot by making some damned oatmeal, you are going to piss the maid off in a bad way.

I can picture her going to clean up the room and spotting the crusted up oatmeal pot. 'Damn that sum beech, I have to clean up his spunked on Kleenex and now he leaves me thees shit. I will gut that pindaho like a feesh.'

The front manager would then have to go talk to Alton and inform him that he should leave the hotel immediately. They have let Consuela off for the rest of the day but if she returns things could get hairy.

I wouldn't blame them for kicking him out. Anyone who would rather screw up a coffeepot, than eat a free doughnut deserves to sleep in his car.

When The Past Bites You In The Ass

2008-03-14T19:55:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if my life would make for a strange Cinemax soft core porn movie. Today I found out that a woman that I talk to on the telephone on a regular basis at work, I have known in the past. Actually we had what might be construed as a relationship, if only a mostly meaningless purely sexual relationship.

It's not that strange that I did not recognize her on the phone. After all it was some twenty years ago, she now goes by her married name and I knew her before she got married. I only had her voice to go by and there isn't much call for moaning on a business call unless the business is a phone sex line.

Leave Me In The Freakin' Dark

2008-03-13T20:04:00.003-05:00

While flipping through the channels, I came across a movie that I will never watch. I don't know what it is about and I do not wish to know. The title is so good that the movie could never live up to the title. I made that mistake with the television program, 'Wife Swap.' Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. No, I will keep the movie, 'Hot Fuzz', just playing in my head, blissfully in the dark as to the actual movie.

The Moment Of Truth

2008-03-12T12:41:00.005-05:00

I have been watching that freak show of a reality tv/game show, 'The Moment Of Truth.' Word to the wise to the contestants on this show, the moment of truth was when your dumb ass decided to appear on the show.

Anyone who would willingly subject themselves to a lie detector test and then sit in front of their boss, spouse, friends, family, a live studio audience, and the viewing public and answer questions about their fidelity, honesty, and work ethic is a blithering idiot. No matter how angelic a person thinks they are, I can guarenfuckintee that there is a question that could be asked that if answered truthfully will get your ass fired, divorced, kicked out of the will, or get your ass whupped.

If I ever decide that I need a good flogging I will either buy Angry Joyce a whip or buy a hooker specializing in bondage and discipline, I can without a single doubt state that you will never catch me on 'The Moment of Truth.'

Top Ten Things To Do On The Computer During Blog Hiatus

2008-03-11T18:17:00.002-05:00

10. Spider Solitaire

9. Texas Hold 'Em Poker

8. Weather Forecasts

7. Post snide remarks on American Idol fan sites.

6. Voting for Maxim's Hometown Hotties.

5. Checking actual news sites.

4. Checking for new recipes.

3. Did I already say Spider Solitaire?

2. Classifying MP3's by amount of chest hair and breast size.

1. Porno Baby Hardcore Free Porno.

A Sleepy Little Post

2008-03-10T18:32:00.004-05:00

I love the way tv ads quietly slip in side effect information. On the Ambian CR ad, they nonchalantly tell of the side effect of possible amnesia. I have heard of sleeping like a rock but this shit is ridiculous. I can just picture waking up after a good Ambian induced sleep, turning over to my wife, and saying, ' Excuse me ma'am, I really don't know where I am or who you are, but could you please answer a simple question? Where the fuck is the bathroom?'

Christmas On The Cheap

2007-12-07T19:31:00.000-06:00

When moneys tight and your luck's run hard,

When all your credit is maxed on the card.

Here is an idea or three

To make the most of cheap holiday glee.

There's Cousin Al fresh from the pen

He'll ink a homemade tat for a five or a ten.

And for a gift both fresh and dope

He can carve the Virgin Mary from a bar of soap.

For a kick try some arts and crafts,

It might be good for a couple of laughs.

I think that I'll be generous and give my neighbors, the hicks.

A Family Portrait made from Popsicle sticks.

Whether in the lean or in the fat

I hope your Christmas is all that.

It's not the cost but the thought counts more.

Even if it's from the Dollar Store.

Erotech

2007-12-01T09:59:00.000-06:00

With electronics high on the Christmas shopping list this year, it makes me think that a lot of todays technology is due to the porn industry. In the '80's, the proliferation of porn tapes made VHS popular and then later DVDs. In the '90's, the internet exploded in large part for it's ability to allow users to surf for free porn. I am guessing that the next trend will be robotics. When the porn industry comes up with a robot that can give a hummer with a song on it's humaniform lips and a song in it's mechanical heart, sales would be through the roof. If it is also be designed to cook up a mean lasagna, clean the house, and mow the yard, there will be one in every home.

Worse Than The Disease

2007-11-28T10:15:00.000-06:00

Commercials for medicines most always weird me out a little bit. They invariably give themselves a glowing report on how they are the best thing since aspirin but at the tail end always give a laundry list of side effects that make me wonder if the cure is worse than the disease.

The one that I notice the most is the new Cialis commercials. Sure it might help give you a stiffy for the next 36 hours but if you start losing your vision or hearing, you better check with a doctor. What's the good in having a good stiffy if you can't see where to put it? I can just imagine some poor guy's wife with some of those flags that are used by sailors on aircraft carriers, guiding the big boy in.

I think with all the side effects if I have a problem in the old e.d. department that I will stick to the tried and true stiffy maker: Porn.

A Time To Be Thankful

2007-11-22T07:31:00.000-06:00

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. After circumstances forced me to switch careers, I managed to come out like a cat thrown from a three story building: On my feet with only sore toes. Angry Joyce survived her heart attack and is as angry as ever. My granddaughter Faith is growing like a weed and babbling like a brook and is the apple of her Pop's eyes. The young un's still at home are doing well. In short, although it has been a trying couple of years, hopefully the storms have passed and it will be smooth sailing for a little while.

I am still enjoying this little blog thing. I don't post as often but I am still thankful to have this little outlet for my thoughts. As sick and twisted as those thoughts can be at times.

I hope all of you have a great day and a great Holiday Season. Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all.

Get Your Guns Up

2007-11-17T23:23:00.000-06:00

Texas Tech 34 - Not For Long #4 Oklahoma 27

Nuff Said!!!

Thanks To You

2007-11-11T14:55:00.000-06:00

The love that I have for my country and the sincere gratitude that I have for all of those that have fought for our rights as Americans is no secret. On this Veteran's Day, I would like once again to give my thanks to these brave and dedicated men and women. Your sacrifice is not forgotten. For keeping this the land of the free, I thank you.

Whip Me, Spank Me, Make Me Write Bad Checks

2007-11-04T11:01:00.000-06:00

I recently received an e-mail from the folks at Eden Fantasys about a potential link exchange and advertising opportunity. I have always held back from putting ads on Blugstuff because I do it for fun not profit and really how much profit is in ads on a blog anyway. But I have on rare occasions gave a heads up to products that I got a kick out of such as 'The Turd's', so I decided to give Eden Fantasy's a look. I must say that they have a lot of neat shit.

The teddy bear spank-her is crazy. Who in blue blazes would have thought about making a paddle look cute and cuddly. They also have paddles that make impressions. I can just imagine the impression on my noggin if I spanked Angry Joyce and impressed slut on her ass.

They also have a line of sex toys for gays and lesbians but I must admit to having a wtf moment while checking out the lesbian toys. What is the difference between a vibe made for a straight woman or one for a lesbian? I never could figure that one out but I was amazed by the waterproof model. What will they think of next? I am predicting an I-Vibe that not only has the traditional vibe functions but also will play mood music in MP3 format and show videos.

I still don't think that I am going to put any ads on my sidebar or anything. But there was enough cool shit on their site for me to say that places like Eden Fantasy's help make it the world that I love. For as I am fond of saying, 'It's a sick world and I am a happy man.' And there is nothing that quite says 'sick world, happy man' like a mood light vagina.

On second look through this post, it is actually a pretty damn good ad. Maybe they will send me a free sex toy. I just hope like hell my usual luck doesn't hold out. If so they will probably send me the magic butt plug. That's just what I need; another pain in my ass.

Happy Halloween '07

2007-10-27T15:27:00.000-05:00

Whether you are tricking or treating, have a Great Halloween!!!

Taste The Rainbow

2007-10-24T19:33:00.000-05:00

My dear Aussie friend, Anonymum, came up with the idea of doing a rolling post. I joined up late in the game but I thought that it would be great fun. And it was so here is the tale and those who have contributed. Thanks again, Mo, for having me and thanks to all who contributed. It has been a blast and I can't wait to see how it will end. I am sure that it will be Splendid.

MsMum

The curtains were drawn against the chill of an early winters evening. The only sound to be heard was a sigh as she poured over one of her interminable lists, this being for the coming weekends dinner party.

She was concerned how she would keep them apart after the recent unpleasantness.

It was unthinkable she not invite them both, but in doing the right thing by them, had created a problem for herself…..

Poseidons Muse

Drawing a soothing draught of red wine from her glass, she looked up from her list and stared across the room. A distant memory, like the transient flash of ‘his’ handsome smile, spurned her inner turmoil. She had developed feelings for Steven during her initial tenure at the University. Their first encounter seemed almost cliche. A fateful walk across an autumn campus, a stack of books falling upon golden autumn leaves, polite words spoken, lucid eyes meeting hungrily. Butterflies.

What had begun as an innocent friendship between colleagues (for Amy would later be introduced to Steven as a contemporary) later spurned into a brief, but torrid, romantic affair. When the couple resuscitated themselves from their grey moral vortex, they realised that they would make better friends than bed-fellows and had decided to remain in each other’s lives. Now, Amy had the task of playing chancellor and counsellor to her friend, as he struggled for a sense of equilibrium in his failing marriage. Once again, she sensed the butterflies.

Writerchick

Amy sealed both invitations, one for Steven and one for Margo, his estranged wife, and adhered a lovely tiffany art stamp to each. “I hope to God, they aren’t still arguing over custody of the dog or the chimp - helluva a dinner topic that will make.” She put the invitations aside for the post office run she would do in the morning and pondered the menu for the party. “Now what dish would both please Steven and compliment his lovely golden curls by candlelight - of course, curry!”

Michael

Amy sat on the couch contemplating the difficult intricacies of the seating arrangement when the phone rang.

“Hello?”“Ms. Neidelson, thank God you’re home. This is Dr. Shotzendach. I hope I’m not catching you at a bad time.”

“No, doctor. I’m just sitting . . . Is everything okay?”

“Well, I do believe we’ve found the source of your equilibrium problem and I’m glad you’re sitting down. You’re two months pregnant. And here’s the best part: You’re having twins! Congratulations! Ms. Neidelson?”

“Uh . . . I don’t understand doctor . . . I mean, I understand but . . . how do you . . .”

“Your lab results and the CAT scan images told us all we needed to know. Ms. Neidelson? Ms. Neidelson, are you still there?!”

Amy began to laugh hysterically. A bit too hysterically . . .

Evyl

The phone slipped from her spasming hand and crashed against the glass of wine. Her laughter morphed to sobs as she sat mesmerized by the bits of broken glass and the spread of the crimson stain against the polished hard wood floor. Bitterly she asked herself, how could she have come to this pass. She had been so careful all her life and yet one afternoon of unbridled passion had sent her whole world reeling.

For as long as she could remember, Amy had vowed not to conceive. She had worked her entire life to not only conceal but to expunge the story of her childhood. She had spent her early years raised in a traveling circus but not the romanticized life. Her father was not the Lion Tamer and her mother was not the Beautiful Lady on the Flying Trapeze. No that was only in her dreams. Her father was Wee Willy Winky, The Smallest Man in Northern America, and her mother was Woolly Wanda, The Bearded Woman. Tears ran down Amys’ face as she wondered if this life would be exposed if she was to give birth to two small bearded goat girls.

She berated herself but she knew that it could have been no different. She had not the power or the will to avoid succumbing to the charms of the Parcel Delivery Man. She had been in a high state of anticipation over the delivery of her lavender shower curtains when Dan rang her doorbell. One look at his glittering smile, the first glance at the sunlight shimmering off his baseball cap, and her heart and her loins melted.

But what now? How could she put on a brave face for the dinner party this weekend with her entire life in turmoil.

Red

After wiping away warm tears, Amy smoothed out invisible wrinkles from her dress and stood to look out the window. Her sniffles and tears subsided as mascara had run down her cheeks, staining her fair skin. As she watched from the foyer’s window, she noticed a few children playing in the snowdrifts across the street. This saddened the woman as she knew that she would never have normal looking children that didn’t need a daily shave at the age of four, but at least they’d stay warm during the chilly winter season.

Amy’s thoughts went to the Parcel Delivery Man and his wooly, sweater-like back hair. What a lovely sight, she remembers. It reminded her of her dear, late Mother. A heavy sigh escaped her as she shook her head, cursing herself at the thought of the dinner party, and the details that still needed to be finalized. “Woman, you must pull yourself together, if only for the weekend!”She pondered the guest list and thought of him, Steven.

Cowgalutah

As she went to the closest for the broom and dustpan she remembered the first night she spent in Steven’s arms…dinner and dancing till dawn at the officer’s club. He had looked so stunning in his military regalia. At their initial meeting as colleagues he had invited her to attend his official retirement from the Marine Corps to enjoy his teaching position full time. The butterflies increased but the evening had followed with the most intense love making that Amy had ever enjoyed and had since to be repeated. Even the afternoon spent with Dan was no match. If only she would have been as careful with her birth-control methods then.

She swept up the shattered wine glass and reflected on the fact that she had been drinking while her unborn children inhabit her womb. What type of life was she bringing them in to? Were her bearded babies lives to be hampered with an addiction to alcohol like hers had been? The circus life had been hard…sometimes the only thing her father would bring home from the store was alcohol to drown away the lonely life the family lead.

Poseidons Muse

With her dinner list complete, and the turmoil of the evening settling in her mind, Amy retired to bed for the evening. Her dreams were fitful and she tossed and turned violently in her sleep. She awoke the next morning with a vivid recollection of those troubling nocturnal thoughts. “Bearded children, military uniforms and broken glass” she murmured to herself as the first rays of dawn struck her face. “I need a strong cup of coffee,” she grumbled to herself as she rose out of bed and headed for the kitchen. As Amy stood waiting for the coffee to percolate, an agitated knocking sound rattled her awake. Thinking it was a dream, Amy ignored the sound and began pouring herself a strong elixir. “Bang, Bang, Bang!” this time the noise was penetrating, and very real. Amy nearly jumped out of her skin. Who would be calling at this hour?” she grimaced to herself angrily, stomping as she made her way to the front entrance. “I’m coming…” she yelled at the closed door, “please give me a second.” As Amy opened the door, she was surprised to find herself face to face with a furry humanoid face. EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk!” Amy shrieked and slammed the door suddenly.

“What in the world?” she exclaimed to herself as she pressed her back against the door.

Her thoughts were brought back to last night’s dreams; the beards, the bearded baby faces. Her heart was pounding furiously. Again, another set of three knocks, and the sound of a human voice. Upon recognising the voice, Amy opened the door cautiously. This time, she was greeted by Steven. “Uhm, hello Steven!” blustered Amy as she opened the door, “I’m sorry for my bizarre reaction, but I thought I actually saw a furry child on the front step when I first opened the door, and he/she startled the heck out of me!”

“Actually Amy, I know that it is rather early and the party doesn’t start until 6 pm, but I needed to ask you a favour,” chided Steven. His eyes were sparkling and his wry smile told Amy that he was either having nostalgic thoughts, or he was truly up to something devious.

“Sure Steven, what is it?” Amy queried, noticing the leash in his left hand, then added sardonically, “Don’t tell me you have a freaky bearded baby attached to that leash.”

Steven looked down and from behind his legs the leash slackened as a tiny chimpanzee padded her way to the threshold of her door. The chimpanzee looked up at Amy with deep, dark eyes. She had the cutest face. A bearded baby face. “It seems as though Margo and I are having a custody battle over Lola” lamented Steven, “and Margo is now threatening for sole custody of our dear little chimpanzee girl, so I was wondering if you would be able to help us out?”

With that question, Amy just stood there, scratching her head, as the chimpanzee reached across her furry backside in search of a “smelly preparation”, should her new “stepmom” fail to receive her with open and loving arms….

Karen

“What do you mean, ‘help you out’, Steven?”

“Well, could Lola stay with you for a few days? You see, the judge decreed that Lola must stay with a neutral third party while he deliberates his decision regarding Lola’s custody. And since you’re a friend to both of us, you seemed like the logical choice.”

While Steven was explaining himself, Amy stood transfixed by the wee little monkey face before her. Such a sweet, hairy little creature! Lola’s facial features so resembled Amy’s dear, departed mother it was uncanny. Why, it was almost like looking into the past.

“Well?” Steven said. “What do you think?”

Amy thrust out her arms to take Lola. “Oh Steven, I’d love to” she said. Then she stopped abruptly, arms in mid-air. “But the dinner party! I have hours and hours of food preparation ahead of me. Who will look after Lola?”

“Oh, I think you’ll find Lola quite helpful in the kitchen” Steven said with a glint in his eye. “Yes, veeeery helpful.” “By the way, are you still preparing Indian food for tonight?”

“Curry” Amy replied, once again holding her arms out to take Lola. She cradled the little primate in her arms, her body swaying back and forth rhythmically.“Did you hear that, Lola? Curry!” Steven grinned at Lola, who in turn exposed a mouth full of teeth at Steven in typical money-grin fashion and nodded her head up and down rapidly while screeching monkey sounds back at Steven. “Lola gets rather excited about cooking.” Steven explained.

“Okay, I guess it will work out.” Amy said. Oh this monkey reminded her so much of her dear mother!! Right down to the hand clapping and teeth exposure!

“Thanks” said Steven. “You’re a real lifesaver.” He gazed into Amy’s eyes meaningfully, and took a step closer. His blonde curls glinted radiently in the sunlight, momentarily blinding Amy. “I hope I can thank you properly later” he said softly.

“Oh” said Amy, trying to blink the spots out of her eye. “Oh yes, Steven.” She suddenly felt overheated and dizzy, then noticed that Lola had wrapped herself around Amy like a baby possum clinging to its mother.

“Here’s Lola’s diaper bag and some assorted toys. And at two o’clock she likes to listen to her CD of organ-grinder music. Helps her relax for her nap. She’s a great help in the kitchen; just give her things to mix up. She’s a whiz at mixing, aren’t you Lola-Ebola?” Steven chucked Lola under the chin, then turned to go. Amy and Lola waved goodbye to Steven until his car turned the corner.

“OK, my little Lola-Ebola,” Amy crooned, using Steven’s special term of endearment. “Let’s go cook!” Dropping Lola’s bag in the foyer, Amy took Lola by the hand and they walked into the kitchen. As Amy gathered ingredients from the refrigerator and cabinets, she didn’t notice Lola scurry out of the kitchen and back to the foyer, where she began rummaging through her bag. Removing the small packet of tumeric from her bag, Lola slipped it into her diaper and returned to the kitchen, her favorite organ grinder tune playing happily in her head…

Reg

As Amy started gathering ingredients in the kitchen, she stared thinking again about Steven; his gorgeous eyes, his pouty mouth, his blindingly shiny blonde curly locks. “I wonder what conditioner he uses”, she thought to herself. She would have to remember to ask him when this fiasco with Lola was all said and done.

She went to the cupboard to grab the fryer pan and pots she needed to begin cooking for the party. Behind her, a soft voice with a light, almost playful, british tone spoke:

“Oh, dear, you’ll need a larger pot than that i’m afraid.”

Amy swung around fast. In the doorway to the kitchen was little Lola, complete with a little pink ruffled apron! Amy stood, stunned. Did the little bearded wonder just speak?

“I’m sorry?” she replied.

“The pot,” Lola said, “is not large enough. Do you have a larger one?”

Giggling, Amy stood there. She didn’t know what to make of this. A talking chimp? With a British accent nonetheless? How completely amusing, and mad! Just as she was about to respond, she dropped the fryer pan from her hand and it hit the floor with a crash.

Amy awoke, startled. Sweat beading from her brow. She must have fallen asleep on the couch. “What a vivid dream”, she mumbled to herself.

She heard a loud bang coming from the kitchen. Cautiously, she grabbed the broom that was leaning against the wall and moved toward the kitchen doorway. Another bang. She jumped, then realized what the noise was. She had left the kitchen window open slightly and the shutter was banging against it. She felt a wave of relief and shut the window.

She looked the clock on the wall. 9:23a.m.. “Well,” she thought, “Now is as good a time as any to start preparing for this party.”

Amy started the coffee pot and began pulling the food and spices out to start her appetizers, and of course, the curry and roast she would be making. The scent of coffee filled the air and she took a deep breath.

“Things aren’t going to be so bad,” she thought, “Bearded babies are better than no babies. And certainly better than talking chimps!” She giggled at the thought of her wierd and vivid dream.Just then, a knock at the door. She wasn’t expecting a visitor, or even Dan, the hairy, yet handsome parcel packageman.

She started to open the door when someone came bursting in and almost knocked her on the couch. She quickly recovered her footing. It was Margo, Steven’s estranged wife, and she didn’t look too happy.

“You WHORE!“, she exclaimed, bursting into the room. She was moving quickly toward Amy, waving her finger in her face. Amy was backed against the wall.

“Steven just told me everything! He was hoping that by coming clean, we could possibly give our marriage one more chance. I knew he was a dirty dog, but YOU, Amy? How could you do this? I confided in you, told you of the trouble our marriage was having, and THIS is how you ‘help‘? My God! You better start talking Missy, and you better start talking FAST!”

Chris

“Margo, sit down and SHUT UP for a moment,” Amy hissed at her. “What in the hell do you think you are doing, bursting in on me, screaming your fool head off at me?” she asked. She slammed the door, and moved behind the counter to get a cup of coffee, and catch her breath.

Margo, to her credit, did sit down at the kitchen table. The tension grew as Amy poured coffee into mugs for herself and Margo, and brought them over to the table. As she sat across from Margo, Amy took a deep breath, and readied herself for the conversation that was ahead of them. For a brief moment, she thought about the dinner preparations, but decided they could wait. This conversation was too important, given her news of the previous day.

Amy began speaking softly and quickly, “I knew Steven was going to speak with you, I knew he would tell you, but it was not so he could start again with a clean slate. It was to convince you that it was over, that he wanted to move on.

“Swallowing hard, Amy continued “What made you think I wanted to hear your ‘confession’ that day? Why did you think I wanted to help? I wanted to get out of the room as fast as I could. Your sad story would have broken my heart, if I hadn’t known the other side of the story.”

Stuttering, Margo tried to interject, “But…..I….”.

A bit stronger now, Amy got up from the table, “Margo, I do not owe you explanations any more than you owe them to me, but get your act together, and stop acting like a jerk.”

She walked back around the kitchen counter and began to page through her lists, getting ingredients organized in the order she would need them, totally ignoring Margo, who still sat at the table in stunned silence.

“Go home Margo, make some sense of the mess your life is in,” Amy counseled, “and don’t you ever come in to my house raging like that again.”

Silently, Margo slunk out of the house. Amy went to the door to watch her drive off, and closed the door. She leaned back against the door and feeling lightheaded slid to the floor.
“What next?” she wondered.

GoingLikeSixty

While she was sitting on the floor, she noticed she hadn’t run the Swiffer over it lately. When she got up, she banged her head on an open cupboard door, blood poured from the wound. She leaned back against the door and feeling lightheaded slid to the floor.

Now It's Time For Me To Screw It Up:

Sprawed upon the floor feeling her lifes blood spill onto the floor like the wasted Cabernet, Amy's life flashed before her eyes like a rainbow seen only one section at a time. First she saw the blue of her childhood. The sadness of life as a child of freaks but the happiness of love and simple joys.

The red of passion shone through. First with Steven glowing bright at first but then dimming into a subdued pleasure of freindship. Then, the intense short lived burst of passion that was Dan.

The yellow peeked through. The spice of life. The curry, the turmerik, the parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. The thing that gives life meaning, the laughter, the lust, the happiness, the rage, the joy, all the emotions that make us human.

The green of life came next. The life growing inside her struggling to bring her back. The life and joy and love that beckoned her to not give up.

But the bright white light called. It promised to end this pain and confusion. Yet just as she felt herself rising to this tunnel of brightness, something seemed to dim the brightness. Something blocked her way. Something, could it be, brown?

I have found out that now Anonymum is taking votes to see who will finish up the tale. Bringing an end to this tale will be no small task.

A Match Made For Advertising

2007-10-20T11:37:00.000-05:00

Recently I caught the Macy's ad, starring Martha Stewart and Tim Gunn (of Project Runway fame.) I was amazed at the strange chemistry that they had in the ad. Sure he is swishier than the Queer Eye guys and Martha is well, Martha is about as butch as it gets without spiking her hair and wearing a Snap-On Tool tee-shirt. It leaves me to wonder what would happen if they spawned children. It also leads me to what other celebrities would make strange bedfellows.

1.) John Edwards and Marilyn Monroe. She's hot. She's dead. He talks to the dead. It's a match made in heaven.

2.) Carrottop and Roseanne. It has all that Jack Sprat thing going for it.

3.) The Old Spice Guy and The Marlboro Man. Brokeback Mountain meets Pirates of the Caribbean.

4.) Jenna Jamison and Oral Roberts. Hey they both have the Oral down pat.

5.) Dennis Rodman and Serena Williams. But who will wear the bridal gown?

Now Turn Your Head And Spit

2007-10-15T07:10:00.000-05:00

In Woodland California, a dentist is accused of fondling the breasts of 27 patients. The good doc is trying to defend himself by claiming that chest rubs are a legitimate dental process and that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain. One of the complaints was from a 31 year old woman that claims that the good doc groped her breasts six times over the past two years. She had even taken to wearing tight shirts with high necklines but the doc still kept getting to her goods.

Now, I don't know but I would think that she would have caught on by the first or second grope that something amiss was going on and did she really think that playing hard to get with her clothing choices really was going to help. Perhaps this just goes to show that modern dentistry has unlocked the secret to Victoria's Secret.

For the news story click here.

Pickin' The Hits

2007-10-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

Angry Joyce is a football widow. I am not saying that I am a fanatic but I live for football season, from the Friday night lights to NCAA football on Saturday to Monday Night Football and even the flex games on Thursdays, I watch all that I can. I play pick 'em football and I have an NFL fantasy football team. One thing that I never do though is bet on football except for the occasional squares game. The reason for this is simple. At picking winning teams, players, and any other outcome, I just plain suck.

Any underdog I pick ends up playing like the bums that they are, any favorite that I pick will end up getting beat by some Jr. High School for the Blind, any dynamic superstar player put on my fantasy roster will end up with a season ending injury in the first quarter, and any number that I pick in a squares game will change 5 seconds before the end of the quarter.

But hope springs eternal. This year after two humiliating losses to my fantasy team, I have managed to eke out three straight wins. I should probably quit now while I still have a winning record but I will forge ahead in hopes that this year will be my year, after all they say that the sun has to shine on a dog's ass once at least once in his life.

Now Phats has invited me to be a guest pigskin prognosticator in his weekly prediction post. I accepted the honor and hope that I will not humiliate myself, but chances are that I will suck like a Kirby. So if you want to see me humiliated, go ahead and check over at Phat's place after the games and I am sure that you won't be disappointed.

**********EDIT***********

I correctly picked 10 of 12 games and out picked the master prognosticator, Phats. I am glad that he let me goof off and be a guest guru and am really pleased that the Red Raider Fight Song is blaring away over at his place. The Red Raiders have broken into the top 25 with their win over the Aggies. In other Red Raider news, sales of some tee shirts were halted by a group of haters. The tee shirts had a pick of the Red Raider hanging the Aggies Dog mascot with the logo reading,'Vick 'Em.' Hater's have no sense of humor.

eHo-Money

2007-10-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

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Sick World; Happy Viewing

2007-09-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

Warning: If you are easily offended, what the hell are you doing here? Seriously, I am going to be a tad bit more explicit than usual. You have been warned!!!

I am so glad that the new tv season is upon us. Besides Heroes, My Name is Earl, and others, one of my favorite series is back this year; Cathouse: Series Two. It's back to the Bunny Ranch one more time. The first episode dealt with three newcomers to the bordello biz. One is an old hand in the adult entertainment industry, one is a mid-western girl next door who just loves sex in all forms and guises, but I am afraid that the other new girl just isn't going to make it.

The problem isn't her looks. She is arguably the best looking of the three with long blond hair, a shapely figure, and the face of an angel. Her problem is strictly one of attitude. She is totally against oral sex. The idea of a prostitute who will not give head is just wrong. It's like going to an International House of Pancakes that doesn't serve syrup with it's pancakes. Hell, I would hazard to say that many men that go to a prostitute do it for a blow job. They might be married to some gal that when she said, I Do, meant that I no longer will.

When I was looking for a pic for the post, I went to the Bunny Ranch Website and looked for a pic of the new girl who refused to google the hoogler but I couldn't find her. (The lengths I will go to for my readers knows no boundaries.) I was amazed. Most all the girls were really good looking but it amazed me the variety of women that are available at the Bunny Ranch. It reminded me of the scene in 'From Dusk Till Dawn' when the doorman played by Cheech Marin barks out one of the most awesome movie quotes of all time, 'All right, pussy, pussy, pussy! Come on in pussy lovers! Here at the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! All right, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, we got hot pussy, cold pussy, we got wet pussy, we got smelly pussy, we got hairy pussy, bloody pussy, we got snappin' pussy, we got silk pussy, velvet pussy, Naugahyde pussy, we even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy! Come on, you want pussy, come on in, pussy lovers! If we don't got it, you don't want it! Come on in, pussy lovers! Attention pussy shoppers! Take advantage of our penny pussy sale! If you buy one piece of pussy at the regular price, you get another piece of pussy of equal or lesser value for only a penny! Try and beat pussy for a penny! If you can find cheaper pussy anywhere else, fuck it!'

After writing this post and all the research that went into it, I feel like pancakes with syrup, lots and lots of sticky sweet syrup.

Is She A Skank?

2007-09-23T23:09:00.000-05:00

Yes my friends, Phone-A-Friend has a new quick and easy service. The question of whether that potential hook up is a skank is finally answered. When you are at your favorite watering hole and you are wondering whether it is the alcohol or the female sitting at the end of the bar, that is giving you the warm fuzzies, just snap a pic on your cell phone and send it over to Phone-A-Friend. Professional Skank Identifiers will peruse your pic and text you back with an immediate answer. No more going to bed with a 10 and waking up with a 2. You will know immediately that you are actually going to bed with a two. What you do with that information is up to you. Remember if you have listed with Phone-A-Friend and gave us your bottom level number, we will automatically come to your rescue if the pic to our Professional Skank Identifiers ranks lower than that bottom of the barrel number. Just read a testimonial from a happy customer.

I was sittin' in the Happy Horny Toad Saloon and this purty little thang kept givin' me the google eyes. I kin tell ya it was shore nuff givin me a warm feelin' in my Wranglers. I sent Phone-A-Friend a pic off my cell phone and they told me the reason that she was givin' me the google eyes is cuz she was googly eyed. Pershate ya, Delbert McScratchin.

And remember our service is equal opportunity. We know in this day and age, a woman needs our service just as much as a man. Hell if you get in bad enough shape you might even end up with someone like me.

I Am Always The Last To Know

2007-09-16T07:26:00.000-05:00

Too bad I didn't run across this site, back when I had three daughters at the house. Even though I am sure that this site is satirical, bringing back a bride price has a nice ring to it for a father of three future brides. At the site, the asking prices are from around $3,000 to $80,000. With the spawn that AJ and I have unleashed on the world, I doubt I could do any better than three or four goats and a used travel trailer. But hope springs eternal and perhaps with the last one that we have at the house, I could take the cash and invest in a square watermelon farm. I believe that the American consumer would go ass over elbows for a square seedless watermelon. It wouldn't take up as much space in a cooler or a refrigerator, and just imagine how many they could stack up in one bin at a Super Wal-Mart.

This way we are not losing a daughter, we are betting the farm.

Tag Thoughts

2007-09-09T07:49:00.000-05:00

This morning while getting ready, I had another one of my Adult ADD stream of consciousness moments. I reached for the can of TAG body spray. I noticed the line on the can that read, 'Uniquely designed to attract the ladies. You have been warned.' If it is uniquely designed to attract the ladies, if a woman put it on would she attract lesbians?..... If a woman that was attracted to men with hairy chests would she be attracted to hairy chested women?.....I wonder what percentage of women have hair on their chests?.....Why is that an Aussie depilatory cream is named after a testicle, 'Nads'? Shouldn't it be N0-Nads?.....Wouldn't No-Nads be an excellent name for a chemical sterilization process for child abusers?

Too Damned Early

2007-09-03T22:05:00.000-05:00

I woke up last night at 3:30 in the morning, coughing, hacking, and drowning in my own snot. The insane amount of rain this year is better for the pollen count than it is for the state of my sinuses. Flipping through the plethora of infomercials, I came across Early Today. WTF, is The Today Show doing on at three-thirty in the damned morning. The only folks up watching the boob tube at that ungodly hour are a small group of insomniacs, a fraction of late night workers, but mostly a bunch of jonesing meth junkies. I doubt that the largest demographic gives a rat's ass about the state of the world affairs, unless it is giving a list of the best places to get anhydrous ammonia, cold tablets, and other ingredients for their toxin of choice.

Maybe they should have a late night network geared to speed freaks. Here are some programming ideas.

1. Action Movies: Movies without such things as plot and with lots of visual stimulation would work best.

2. NASCAR: They always turn left. If you miss a few laps, so what, they will just be making another left in a second.

3. Cops 2.0: Who knows you might pick up a tip or at least see a friend or your dealer.

4. Animaniacs: Those cartoon idiots have to be tweakers.

5. Denise Austin: That bitch has to be on something. I'm guessing crack but who knows she might be tweaking. No one is that excited about jumping up and down at four freakin' am.

Yep, the Tweaker's Television Network is an idea that's time has come.

A Nation Of Wussies

2007-08-29T23:05:00.000-05:00

I just read an article about the decision of an elementary school in Colorado Springs, Colorado to ban tag. It seems that some of the children felt harassed and were chased against their will. My guess is a couple of fat, lazy, addicted to video games, junk food eating, weaned on freakin' Oprah, couch potatoes had to get up off their lazy asses and actually get some damned exercise. They were probably so traumatized by this tragic forced aerobic activity that they blurted out the whole event while choking down Oreo's in the back of their obese mommies SUV's. If the truth be told these chubby little bastards were most likely pissed because they got tagged right off the fucking bat and then spent the rest of recess wheezing like an eighty year old with a two pack a day habit since they couldn't catch a damn cold in a fucking blizzard.

OMG, first dodgeball gets the black eye and now freakin' tag. What the fuck is next; will they outlaw jump rope for it's connotation of bondage from the rope; will hopscotch face the axe due to teaching graffiti skills, when marking the boxes. When will the wussifacation of America end? When all children are taught to be a bunch of fat, whiny, sue happy, political correct, morons?

Stories like this, are becoming far too commonplace. The Morons are taking over and it damn sure ain't pretty.

A Graveside Service With Sprinkles On Top

2007-08-25T22:55:00.000-05:00

Today while driving down the road, I passed a graveyard. An ice cream van was just coming out of the cemetery. I don't know whether the ice cream van was visiting a relative or friend or just using the cemetery as a turn around spot. Whatever, it got me to thinking about ice cream and death.

I think that I will have an ice cream van show up at my funeral. It is damn near impossible to be sad while eating an ice cream. I can almost picture it. A friend stands up at the graveside to say a few words and the ice cream van pulls up blaring carousel music. Everyone would line up and get themselves a fudge bomb or an orange push up or maybe even one of those delicious Pink Thing's that are sold at Six Flags.

Heck, maybe I can even have the Good Humor Man officiate the thing.

It's Better To Get Nailed Than To Get Hammered

2007-08-21T21:44:00.000-05:00

In Des Moines, Iowa, (Of all places), Satin Delfrano, age 32, was apprehended when three women called to complain that they had been assaulted by a naked woman with a hammer. When the police got there they allowed the naked Delfrano to get dressed and then escorted her out of her apartment in handcuffs. She tried to walk out on her knees and kicked one officer. So adding insult to injury, she has also been charged with assault on a peace officer, criminal mischief, and disorderly conduct.

This story leaves me with a few unanswered questions.

1. Who the hell would name their daughter Satin? I can only guess that they wanted to pre-ordain her to be a stripper.

2. Did she think that she could get away with it? A naked woman with a hammer sticks out like a sore thumb (much like the thumb of a clumsy carpenter).

3. Where can I get my hands on a tape of that 911 call? Three women calling in hysterics about a nude hammer wielding crazy woman would make for great entertainment.

Click here for the news story.

Pup Tales

2007-08-18T13:29:00.000-05:00

I recently bought AJ a puppy. She has always wanted a miniature dachshund so I decided to surprise her and get her one since she has been a little down since her heart attack. They say that no good deed goes unpunished and my little gift proves the point. The pup has taken a greater liking to me than AJ. Giving her more fodder to be angry with me.

The little female pooch yaps and whines the whole time with AJ. The minute that I enter the room and speak, Muffy quiets down, wags her little tail, and falls asleep.

Although it comes as a shock to AJ, since my words of endearment to the mutt is generally calling it a furry turd with legs or a flea bitten varmint, it comes as no surprise to me. I have always had a way with the bitches.

Eau De WTF

2007-08-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

I am not much on frilly bath products. A good ol' bar of Irish Spring is all that I need. Since I started shaving my noggin, I don't even give a rats ass about shampoo. But yesterday I ran out of my Irish Spring so I reached for AJ's body wash gunk. I looked at the bottle of Dove Body Wash and noticed that the label was bi-lingual. What struck me as odd was the fact that besides English, the label was also in French. Now I know that I am but a simple hick from the sticks but aren't the French known for their aversion to bathing. I know French sounds fancy and all but why the hell do they label that crap in French for use in freakin' BFE Texas when they are a country of folks known for using cologne to cover up their funk rather than washing it off. Some marketing genius must be back on the pipe.

Jamie's Not Crying Anymore

2007-08-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

So now that Diamond Dave and Eddie are playing nice and plan on touring and making an album, what else '80's may come back.

Big Hair? I now have no hair so I will be completely out of the loop on this one.

Miami Vice Suits? Hells Yeah. Two Words: Rico Suave.

Gerardo? Hell No. I hate that damned song.

Dukes of Hazzard? That's already back.

Ah Ha? Uh uh.

Safety Dance? Hells Yeah! Midgets dancing in jester hats rule.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll? I don't know. Mostly sex for me consists of the hallway variety when AJ tells me to go f**k myself passing in the hallway, drugs consists of Tylenol and Pepcid, but I still crank my tunes up. One out of three ain't too bad.

Booze, Guns, Midget Cowboys, And Saloon Girls

2007-08-08T22:51:00.001-05:00

I don't really have a story here. I am just posting this for two reasons.

1. This pic tickles the hell out of me.

2. Posts containing booze or guns or midget cowboys or saloon girls get a ton of blog search hits. Or that's what I'm thinking.

Getting Mystical

2007-08-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

One of the gifts that Angry Joyce received after her return from the hospital was a glass elephant. Yesterday, Angry Joyce had me place the figurine up on a shelf in the living room with special instructions to point the rear of the elephant towards the front door. According to A.J.'s friend, the elephant is supposed to have mystical powers and when the figure is mooning the front door, money is syphoned into the home.

Being just another damned dumb redneck, I have no friggin' idea how this is supposed to work. The idea of an elephant's ass sucking up money is to my uncultured mind ridiculous. But what the fuck do I know A.J.'s friend comes from a land of deep mysticism, Canada. Go Figger!

I Smell Sex And Vicks

2007-08-03T20:34:00.000-05:00

I am not at all loyal to any particular brand of underarm deodorant. I generally just pick up the cheapest or most easily reached on the aisle. This time around though I have found a real freakin' winner. I have discovered that the smell of Speed Stick, Irish Spring Icy Blast when mixed with a hot days worth of sweat smells remarkably like Vicks Vapo-Rub. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Damn That's One Sexy Beast. And Damn you're so freakin' right. Now I'm wondering what it will do for ball sweat. I'm thinking it could possibly give me that warm fuzzy feeling on my scrotum that I so love.

So You Want To Be The Next President

2007-08-02T02:48:00.000-05:00

It is no wonder that Americans don't vote worth a shit. It lasts so damn long and we as a nation have a collective attention span of a one handed on-line porn junkie with the mantra, "Screw all the filler and just get to the good stuff." That and there are only three or four assholes with a meager shot at the big prize. The electoral college is a freakin' joke and no one except Poli-Sci grads and poli-geeks understands it anyway.

Therefore, I have a proposal. The next election should be set up like American Idol. There should be three judges who will canvass the entire nation and hold auditions. The contestants should meet the constitutional requirements ( 35 years old, born an American, no felony convictions, and at least a GED). If you meet the requirements then by God you get your shot.

The three judges should be fashioned somewhat like Idol as well. There should be one asshole that hates damn near everybody and is quick to call someone on the horseshit that they are dishing out. There should be some drunk chick that loves everybody and leaves them feeling good. There should be some guy who talks shit that no one can understand. I have the three judges in mind that would be a diverse segment of the nation. I would make a damn good asshole. I'm thinking that Barbara Walters on a tequila bender would make an excellent job. And who would be better at being hard to understand than Snoop Dogg.

Okay now that we have the judges, I need to set up a few more guidelines. None of the contestants can give their party name or say whether they are conservative or liberal. They must only give their position on subjects. During the final phase when there are only twelve contestants left a subject will be picked for them and they must discuss that subject and only that subject.

The audience will vote by call in method just like Idol and every week one of the contestants are voted off until only one is left. The winner gets to pick his VP since no one seems to give a flying fuck who the VP is anyway.

WTF it can't be any worse than the way it is now. Look at the last two jerkoffs that we have elected.

I'm Back

2007-08-01T05:25:00.000-05:00

Just peeking through the old keyhole to see if everything is safe and sound out here in blogland. Sorry for the long hiatus. I really didn't mean to be gone this long but shit happens. Namely A) Blown Modem from lightning storm. B) Sheer laziness. C) A case of walking pneumonia. and D) Angry Joyce's heart attack.

The modem is replaced, I am still lazy. I am over the crud. And most importantly, Angry Joyce is back at home safe and sound. She is recovering nicely and will no doubt have many years left to be angry.

My long absence has gave me a lot to think about and I am ready to get back to blogging it out of my head so be prepared. Hopefully absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know that I have missed this place and everyone that comes here. Thanks for being patient.

More Bang For The Book

2007-06-18T11:43:00.000-05:00

There are books and there are adult books. There are bookstores and there are adult bookstores. There are libraries but I have never heard of adult libraries. I really think there should be, but would the librarians of an adult library be hot young vixens like a porno edition of a naughty librarian or would it be the same image of a librarian with a bun, granny glasses, and a sour expression that comes to mind only wearing skanky underwear underneath their frumpy clothes and shushing people if they make any noise while checking out the fuck books? I don't really know but now I can't get visions of naughty librarians out of my head.

Yet More Wisdom From The Sage

2007-06-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

Life is like a bong. Unless you put some really good shit in it, you are just sucking up stale air.

Tagged For Food

2007-06-04T13:06:00.000-05:00

Usually I hate tags but The Weirdgirl tagged me with a meme I couldn't refuse. So here in no particular order are five restaurants that know how to fill that empty place in the gut with the tastiest of grub.

Orlando's - (Lubbock, TX) - They bill themselves as being a little Italian and a lot of fun. If you think that Italian and Texas cuisine aren't a match made in heaven, then just order up some Mafia Queso for your appetizer and prepare to be amazed. The pairing of a damn fine chili con queso and Italian sausage served with both tortilla chips and garlic toast will blow your mind. I generally follow that up with a spicy dish such as Sizzle Shrimp, which is shrimp served with a habenero sauce served over angel hair pasta. And if you have room, they serve some desserts that are truly decadent such as the Chocolate Rum Cake. Makes me hungry just writing about it. Natalie Maines was once a waitress at Orlando's but I hope any of you conservatives don't hold that against them.

Joe Allen's - (Abilene, TX) - Next to my barkyard grill, the best barbeque that I have ever wrapped my mouth around was some good ol' mesquite smoked brisket at Joe Allen's. And the big horse trough filled with iced down cold beer as soon as you walk through the door doesn't hurt none at all.

The SmokeStack Restaurant - (Thurber, Tx) - The Smokestack is an awesome experience. Housed in the old company store for the now defunct mine in Thurber, it has that awesome combo of having a great ambiance and some damn fine homestyle cooking. And when you're there don't forget to pick up some Dr. Pepper made the original way in Dublin, TX. It's Dr. Pepper the way that God intended it. Made with pure cane sugar.

Furr's Cafeteria - (Lubbock, TX and a whole lot of other places) - All you can eat, everything from fried chicken, sirloin and mushrooms, liver and onions, fried okra, the best damned mac and cheese ever made, and more stuff on their buffet line than you can shake a stick at. What more could you ask for? Pie, that's what. And they have got it. Just think of any type of pie that you have ever ate and chances are they will have it.

Texas Roadhouse - (Maybe there is one near you.) I am not usually one for big chain restaurants but the Texas Roadhouse is an exception. They have never overcooked my steak one solitary time and that is a big plus for me. When I want it medium rare, I don't want some overzealous cook to destroy a good chunk of beef by cooking all the juicy goodness. And just one tip, don't waste your time with some damned salad. Take the chili instead. They have a mighty tasty chili.

I could go on and on but I will limit myself to these five other than to say if you are going through Dickens, TX then you would be an idiot not to stop at TC's Ponderosa and grab yourself a sliced barbeque brisket sandwich, they could damn near feed two hungry bears. If for some ungodly reason, you ever find yourself in Spur, TX, then you best stop by Los Olivarez and get some of the best damn enchiladas that you will ever eat. And if you find yourself in Matador, TX then stop by Main Street and eat one of the biggest and best burgers ever concocted along with some crazee tastee Onion Rings, and if you tell 'em that Fuzz sent you, you will either get treated royally or kicked out on your ass. That's just according to what the proprietor thinks of my latest post.

Another thing that I got a kick out of was seeing how this meme has played out. Here is how it has got to me.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)

velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)

LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)

Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)

Olivia (London, England)

ML (Utah, United States)

Lotus (Toronto, Canada)

tanabata (Saitama, Japan)

Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)

Lulu (Chicago, Illinois, United States)

Chris (Boyne City, Michigan, United States)

AB (Cave Creek, Arizona, United States)

Johnny Yen (Chicago, Illinois, United States)

Bubs (Mt Prospect, Illinois, United States)

Mob (Midland, Texas United States)

Yas (Ahwatukee, Arizona USA)

Alicia(Idaho Falls, Idaho, USA)

Tug (Hell, Colorado, USA)

Bond (Memphis, TN, USA)

TopChamp (Glasgow, UK)

Kailani (Honolulu, HI, USA)

Amber (Henderson, TN, USA)

the weirdgirl (San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA)

Fuzz - ( Spur, America)

So now I will do something that I rarely if ever do. I will go ahead and keep the tag rolling. Here are the lucky tags. Michael at Smoke and Mirrors because I think that his and my tastes are similar and if ever I head up that way then I will know where to strap on my feedbag, Keshi at Viva Forever since I want to know what kind of tune she will put up memorialising food. Lisa B at Lisa B In Da City because I know she will know some awesome eateries (she's just cool like that), Rocky from Rocky Road Scholar because first of all I know he is a lot like me and loves some good eating and I do not remember him ever doing a tag, and Big D and Crazy Dan at West Texas Rocks just to see how much they will contradict me.

Some Things

2007-06-02T12:52:00.000-05:00

Some things in life are confusing at first but then are easily mastered. Like the first time as a teen that you encounter a front clasp bra in the front seat of your parents Pontiac.

Some things in life are always confusing like a Spanish speaking soap opera.

Some things make us happy when we are young but the thrill is gone as we age. Like partying until dawn.

Some things always make us happy like seeing a smile on a loved ones face or a good BLT sandwich.

Some things in life are painful at first but then become sweet later in life. Like discovering that the old high school sweetheart that dumped you has now become a fat ugly shrew.

Some things in life are always painful. Like like the cheerleader that you turned down back in high school is even hotter now than she was in high school.

Some things in life bother us at first but now put a smile on our face. Like when a sappy '80's pop song that you hated on the radio now has you singing along on a VH-1 retrospective.

Some things in life always bother us. Like remembering that hot drunken high school cheerleader that you wouldn't get with because you were faithful to your high school cheerleader that eventually dumped you anyway.

Some things in life suck at first but then we adjust. Like having to remember to put down the lid on the toilet after you take a piss.

Some things in life always suck. Like how the fuck could I have passed over the chance to bang that hot drunken cheerleader for that two-timing, backstabbing, fat bitch in the making, high school sweetheart.

Hi Tech World; Lo Tech Redneck

2007-05-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

Technology has done wonderful things for mankind. Sometimes though, I wonder if technology has gone just a little too far.

I left one of my thoughts on this subject in a guest post over at Jane's place. If you want too see me at one of my most profound moments click over there and get some food for thought. (Yeh right like I ever get profound. It's more like profane.)

And my thanks to Jane for having me. Hope your readers don't bolt, darlin'. Luv ya!

Thanks

2007-05-27T19:43:00.000-05:00

On this Memorial Day, I give remembrance to all the brave soldiers who have sacrificed in order to keep us free. Thank you!!!

Shits And Giggles

2007-05-22T20:05:00.000-05:00

Today at work, I went into Central Control and asked the officer in Central to answer a question for me. She has to answer umpteen thousand questions a day regarding security, safety, and matters of great import, so she just gave me one of those looks over the top of her glasses that basically said 'Why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself.' I gave her my best serious face and asked, " What are the words to Pop Goes The Weasel?'

After laughing her ass off and humming the song, she stated that she didn't know. I then went on my merry way. By the end of the day, she had called the tower, the front office, the supervisor, the Warden, and asked everyone in the facility that stopped by Central. By the end of the day everyone in the entire facility was singing Pop Goes The Weasel in varied lyrics.

If you cannot imagine what it is like for close to fifty adults to be walking around singing Pop Goes The Weasel, let me tell you it is funny as hell. And all because I was trying to get a rise out of one person. It made my day.

( As for the pic, I really couldn't post a pic of a weasel could I? I figured Lil' Bo Peep was a much better visual. Hey it's a nursery rhyme. That's close enough in my book. )

TrailerBilly Dreamin'

2007-05-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamed of inventing a new improved version of Fix-A-Flat. Instead of just plain foam in a can, it was a concoction of crystal meth and Everclear. It fixed flats like all get out but it made your car speed and stop to pick up ugly people of the opposite sex. So I guess I have a few kinks to work out.

Judge Not

2007-05-15T16:44:00.000-05:00

I was watching an episode of Judge Alex with Angry Joyce. I generally hate these shows but she was watching it so I sat there and wasted a half hour of my life that I will never get back. On this episode, a man had bought a stripper a couch and two months later moved in with her as a roommate. He was alleging that he owed her $2,600 for the couch. She was contending that it was a loan.

The point where he lost his case came, in my opinion, when he stated that he never wanted a sexual relationship with the stripper. I knew at this point that he was a complete lier. I told Angry Joyce that no man would ever move in with a stripper and not want to have sex with her. Furthermore, it is my contention that there has never been a man that has lived with a woman, that is not a relative, and not wanted to have sex with her at one time or another. Eventually in a state of either loneliness, horniness, boredom, or drunkenness, he will want to bang her.

At this point, I looked over and Angry Joyce was glaring at me with a look of sheer disgust. I told her that she could stop looking at me like a was a dog because it is just what every man would think, if he was honest. She said that was right; All men are dogs. She's most likely right, maybe I should buy her a couch.

A Simple Word Of Advice

2007-05-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

If you ever hear your wife make the statement, " I was a raving bitch at work today", it might not be wise to say, " So, you finally took your show on the road."

Oh well, as I always say, live and learn. Although some lessons are more painful than others. Anyone know how to take dents out of cast iron skillets?

Come See The Softer Side Of Me

2007-05-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

I guess Michael at Smoke and Mirrors wondered if I had a serious side. He asked me to stretch a bit and write a slice of life post. I wrote one that needs a crusty voice over by Wilford Brimley.

So yes, I have a serious side. It's just that it's a lot like the Red Hot Chili Pepper's members in concert, I keep a sock over it. So what are you waiting for? Click Here and check out ' The Pond'. While you are at it give Smoke and Mirrors a good read. He's got the skills and when he lets it rip, there's just no telling where he can take you.

Cinco De Geek

2007-05-02T19:13:00.000-05:00

I wanted to join Sugdaddy and all of Vic's friends in congratulating Vic on the completion of her Masters degree. He has proclaimed May 5th as Cinco De Geek and I wholeheartedly endorse it. Words seem such a poor thing to use in describing my admiration for my incredible friend. She is a survivor that can take what life can dish out and not only survive but thrive. She is a beautiful person both outside and inside. And most of all she is a woman of warmth and humor that manages to put up with my offbeat (lack of) wit. I am truly blessed to count her as a friend. That and she has some of the best damn HNT's around.

I would like to encourage everyone to stop by Vic's place and wish her congratulations. While you are at it, stop by and read a bit of her blog. You won't be disappointed. I never am.

While my words are a poor thing indeed, I hope that it would be some consolation to Vic that my favorite HNT pic's that she has done is now one of my favorite pin ups on this blog.

(And the pin-up by Garv on the left of this post has always reminded me of Vic. I hope she doesn't mind sharing a little of the glory in being the pin up of this post.)

No Crime Just Punishment

2007-04-29T10:19:00.000-05:00

The fifteen year old female that resides in my home screwed up and damn that makes me happy. She came in two hours after her curfew and I relish punishments. It is when some of those distasteful chores that I have to do around the house actually get done.

I came by this honestly. My father loved to catch me screwing up. He did not yell or curse but would only smile an evil little grin and put my ass to work. I worked on the farm every weekend but he would always save the shittiest chores for those times that I had either come home late or came home smelling like a brewery. Before the glow of false dawn, he would crank up Iron Butterfly's 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.' To this day, when I hear that tune, I feel hung over and pissed off.

Today while I am puttering around, barbequeing and putting down a few cold brews, she will be busy de-junglefying the back yard, straightening up the carport, and the list is only as large as my imagination. And damn doesn't that Iron Butterfly sound sweet!!!

Simple Sam

2007-04-22T08:05:00.000-05:00

Simple Sam had a mean little itch

And it was making his life one hell of a bitch.

He spent his days gouging and clawing

Thinking his days were soon to be drawing.

You see he had picked up a problem allergy

To his sweet little woman's sweet little coochie.

With normal sex his nether region went through hell,

But with oral it was worse when his face started to swell.

He tried Benydryl and Claritin D

He even tried several home remedies.

But nothing would cure that itching curse.

He could think of no ailment that could possibly be worse.

But the answer came to him in a bright flash of light.

He would broach the answer to his sweet little woman that night.

He told her his problem and the answer so clear.

Until his rash cleared up. Could he take her from the rear?

Texas Lil's

2007-04-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

The sun always shines on the place down the road

And to get me to go you won't have to goad.

At Texas Lil's Bar and Grill, Tittie Flop, Tattoo Parlor, Day Spa, and Exotic Meats.

Every visit is a dream voyage sticky and sweet.

The day starts at noon with a Grilled Cheese

And a gentleman's club par excellance with just a slight touch of sleaze.

Then it's off for a tat, either a tribal arm band or a touching tramp stamp.

And to close it all out to the Sauna to get a little damp.

Then bring home a little wild turkey

Or possibly a little armadillo jerky.

The possibilities are endless at this place not like home

I wonder what could be said by that wandering gnome.

Unsung Heroes: #1. Amateur Porn Director

2007-04-09T07:44:00.000-05:00

Here's to you, weird neighbor Phil down the block. Where would the world be without your dedication and diligence to the world of amateur perversion? Probably a thousand grainy video clips short in the old spam box.

Not many have the sheer stick-to-it, never say die, attitude, that makes you the freak that you are. When a starlet-to-be has that little accident on the anal scene, you are there with a clean towel and a kind word. When the mess is cleaned up and the lens dusted off, it's take two and full steam ahead. When the star of the shows get up and go gets up leaves, you are in your element. If that little blue pick me up doesn't get the job done, then by golly you damn sure can.

Oral, Anal, Girl on Girl, Guy on Girl, Bukake, BBW, S&M, Farm Animals Gone Bad; You can do it all. You are a true jack off of all porn trades. That's what makes you a great unsung hero.

So until Budweiser gets off their ass and makes you a star in their Real Men of Genius campaign, here's to you Amateur Porn Director, Blugstuff's first Unsung Hero.

( This post is dedicated to the lost but never forgotten blog, 'Accidental Goat Sodomy.')

Dreaming Of A White Easter

2007-04-08T15:12:00.000-05:00

Once again the annual Easter cold snap has hit. Yesterday we received a large snowfall. Although most of the snow melted yesterday afternoon, this morning the sky opened up and light snows fell on a crisp Easter morn. At least people don't have to color eggs in order to hide them good in the snow. Happy Easter, y'all.

Unabashed Randomness

2007-04-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

According to Peggy Post, an expert in manners, the tradition of pulling off your hat indoors started in the Old West. Cowboys would pull off their hats to prove that they were not hiding a weapon under them.

A short verse from the bawdy old folk tune, 'Rye Whiskey' : If the ocean were whiskey and I were a duck, I'd dive to the bottom and drink it all up. But the ocean's just water and I ain't no duck so I'll stay on dry land and just fuck...

Gus McCrae, from Lonesome Dove: A man who wouldn't cheat for a poke don't want one bad enough.

A country music title that could very well be about Sanjaya Malakar: 'I Would Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing.'

From Copenhagen Angel, by Chris LeDoux: She's got a plug in both her cheeks, She's got Copenhagen in her lips, She's got a roll your own between her teeth, and I've never even seen her spit.

Re-Run City

2007-04-04T16:44:00.000-05:00

I seem to be enjoying a trip down memory lane this week so what the hell. Here is a re-posting of a story that I did on November 9, 2005. I am sure the aroma of the post hasn't changed a bit.

Campfire Cooking

This weekend while browsing in Target, I saw a handy dandy kitchen appliance; an electric tabletop barbeque grill from Crockpot, that can hold three racks of ribs. Although it is against my religion to call anything cooked indoors barbeque, this looked handy for those times when the West Texas wind is barreling across the plains or the occasional hard rain, although I have carted the pit under the car port in times of need. To prove my dedication, I have even barbeque during a tornado watch patiently watching my smoking pit as the neighbors scurried for the storm cellars. When the all clear signal went up, I was taking up my ribs as the heads of the neighbors peeked from the ground like a bunch of mullet headed snake charming gophers.

Living in Redneck America, the fine art of the barbeque is not only a prerequisite but an intuitive thing ingrained in the womb. I consider myself a fair hand at cooking anything that doesn't dodge bullet or bumper but I generally do not do much in the area of cooking in a dutch oven except for a cobbler or chili, but once I had a hand in producing one of the most dangerous pot of beans known to man.A group of friends and myself decided to have a kegger/cookout about 20 miles from civilization out in BFE. After the meal had been devoured and buckets of beer had been drank, the only two left standing were Charlie and myself.

We were both night owls with a renowned prowess in the drinking arena. When the first light of false dawn arrived, we felt the inevitable hunger pangs associated with any all night drinking binge. Upon searching the campsite, we discovered that the only foodstuffs were some dried out tortillas and about two pounds of beans left out by the fire.The crusted over beans more closely resembled a dried out creek bed than anything edible. Therefore we doctored it up by pouring in a generous amount of Budweiser from the keg and put the pot back on the fire. We also figured that anything that crusty had to have lost much of it's taste so we added a copious amount of salt. As the sun peaked over the horizon, the pot was bubbling with an eery intensity.

These beans were fantastical. Not only were they crazy tasty but they produced intestinal gas that is legendary to all the other campers/victims that arose to the stench wafting through the West Texas Plains. I have not ate any dish since that created in my digestive system such a lethal and toxic flatulence. The lasting power, volume, and stench of the malodorous emanations were an incredible once in a lifetime achievement. Beans anyone?

Back To The Beginning

2007-04-03T15:22:00.000-05:00

When I first started blogging, besides the usual lame attempts at humor, I did weekly features of pin-ups. I would pick a theme and post pics. Sometimes I would tell a little tale and sometimes I simply posted a pin-up.

My very first theme was Cowgirl Week, so I will re-visit this theme to kick things off. This week I will be posting pics that I think covers my love of pin-up art and telling a few tales for good measure. Now to see if I can still do the daily post thing.

My first little tale of the week is a reposting of one of my faves. It is from October 12, 2005. I hope it has aged well.

Forklift Rodeo

For those individuals not familiar with the sport of Forklift Rodeo which is much like bullriding, I will give a few particulars regarding the rules and practice of the sport. First the forks of a large industrial forklift are driven into two stalks of 8" diameter polyethylene (plastic) pipe about 12' in length. Secondly, the contestant/victim straddles the two stalks of pipe close to the end of the stalks. Thirdly, a nylon strap approximately 14' in length is wound around the pipe much like a bullrope and is used to dally the hand the same as a bullrider. Then the forklift operator raises the forks so that the contestant/victim is about 3' off the concrete floor so that the contestant/victim will not bang the ground with his feet, revs the engine and pops the clutch. This procedure causes the pipe to bounce wildly and gives the contestant/victim one hell of a ride, that most of the time causes him to crash to the concrete floor.

The sport of forklift rodeo had been practiced for a while at the plant but the shift I was on perfected the sport. This was due to the makeup of the people on the shift. You have already been introduced to the supervisor, if you haven't just scroll down a couple of posts and read about him in Random Acts of Stupidity, there was also Bronco Billy, who was the supervisor's faithful yes-man, myself, and J. D. an ex professional bullrider; whose claim to fame was that in the mid-80's , he was the winner of the Hard Luck Award at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. You might have actually seen J.D. on television. The footage of his award winning performance has been on more than one clip show, I saw one entitled "Dangerous Games People Play". He made the full eight seconds but then got hung in the rope and was beat half to death. At times I wondered if he might have been stomped in the head a few too many times but I never doubted his courage. Every one of his stories ended up , 'And that is when I ended up at the hospital in (insert name of city here).

To give everyone a glimpse into the actual practice of the sport, I will relate a story of one event. We were training a new employee and the supervisor and Bronco Billy convinced the newbie to try out forklift rodeo. J. D. helped dally him down and I took up a spot close enough to the action to innocently spectate. After the newbie was strapped in the supervisor took his position as the forklift operator, reved up the engine to a deafening roar, and popped the clutch. On the first bounce, the newbie bounced 10' in the air and came crashing to the concrete floor. The supervisor and his faithful yes-man stared in horror at the prostrate body of the newbie wondering how they would get the supervisor's ass out of this crack. I was actually trying to keep a straight face after I saw that he wasn't dead, I can't help it for some perverse reason the pain of others amuses me. That is when J. D. walks over, turns his head and spits tobacco juice a polite distance from the newbies head, and says "Puss". I did manage to get mostly out of earshot before busting a gut.

( No Idiots were seriously injured or fired during forklift rodeo. And all names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

Pick That Skank

2007-03-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

I have always loved game shows. From the smarmy Chuck Woolery with Lingo, to the scowling Simon Cowell of American Idol, I have seen them all. One of my new favorites is Identity with the incomparable Penn Jillette. The object of the game is to identify a group of strangers just by sight. They match up swimsuit models, pre-school teachers, missionaries, cops, criminals, and just about every describable occupation, hobby, and quirks.

As much as I love the show and knowing TVs penchant for creating spin-offs for even mildly popular shows. I have an idea for a great spin-off. 'Pick That Skank' would test contestants ability to pick various types of females from a line up. The first episode would include a nun, a transvestite, a Sunday school teacher, a prostitute, a stay at home mom, a dominatrix, a college student that has appeared on a 'Girls Gone Wild Video', a school lunch lady, a porn star, a virgin, a bag lady, and Hillary Clinton. Future episodes could feature cowgirls, strippers, college professors, romance writers, convenience store checkers, lingerie models, female boxers, Ann Coulter, and the list is endless.

With the ability of make up and costumes to change the look of the various 'identities', I am sure that it would make for some hard choices. The secret to the success of the show would fall not only by the quality of the various identities but by the genius or idiocy of the contestants. I can imagine the look of shock when a contestant chooses wrong and picks a Nun for a porn star. I could also sympathize with the poor sucker that incorrectly chooses a transvestite as Hillary Clinton.

A New Tradition

2007-03-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's not traditional but one of my newest traditions is the yearly viewing of Leprechaun on the Sci-Fi channel. Like many horror movies it is nearly a complete waste of time. The only redeeming value to the movie is watching a young braless Jennifer Anniston prance around the TV screen.

As I have stated on previous occasions, I do believe that I suffer from Adult ADD. While watching the movie, I couldn't help but think of how Jen looked like a sweet girl next door type that no-one could help but fall in love with. That got me to thinking how she was dumped like an old throw rug when Brad Pitt got the hots for Angelina Jolie. This really got me wondering how many people would dump a sweet, good looking person for a oiled up hot crazed sexpot. This got me to thinking of an old girlfriend that I kicked to the curb because the rough sex just got too damned rough. She bit a damned chunk out of my chest that probably should have received stitches. This got me to thinking about how a humans bite is supposedly worse than any other animal's bite. This got me to thinking that the mosquito is the most dangerous beast due to it's transmission of malaria and other diseases. This got me to thinking of how a good friend of mine once drank only gin and tonics when drinking alcohol because he said that he was protecting himself from malaria due to the quinine in tonic water. This made me think of how the Three Stooges with their shooting tonic water, gouging, biting, hitting, kicking, slapping, and generally beating each other is one of the funniest damn things that I can watch. This made me realize that my wife and most women hate the Three Stooges but most of my male friends and most men laugh like hell at the stooges. This got me to wondering what else men and women find different in life.

Who would have ever thought that watching a bad horror movie from the early '90's would lead me to a philosophical discussion of the differences between the sexes? I guess I will go and revisit the old posts on Beauty v. The Beast.

In It To Win It

2007-03-15T21:50:00.000-05:00

Maybe I bit off more than I can chew but I could not turn down Phat's offer of letting me enter his brackets contest. I am lousy at making brackets. For some reason the Cinderella teams that I pick turn into the ugly step-sister and the big name big time programs that I pick turn into big time losers. I suppose that I am either very unlucky or my pick talents are about equal to my on court talents. Either way, to see how badly I will be stomped just click over to Phat's place and show some love. It should be good for a few laughs at my expense. And what could be better than that?

Just Can't Say Goodnight

2007-03-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to go on a hiatus or even pulling the plug on Blugstuff but I can't seem to do it. The truth is that I really just don't have the time to give this blog the attention that I once did. My posts have dried up to one or two a week and it is disheartening to me after the pride that I took at posting daily. It's not that I don't have anything to say. It is just that I don't have the time to say it anymore. So I will keep doing my occasional posts and limp along hoping that someday I can get back to posting more frequently.

I am also sorry that I do not have time to check on my blogroll and all my blogfriends as much as I would like. I try diligently to keep up but there are just not enough hours in the day. Yet, I do try and keep up even if it means setting aside one day to check on what everyone is doing all week long. Tuesday is that day, this week, so I will see you tomorrow and thanks so much for putting up with my half-assed blogging as of late.

In The Land Of No

2007-03-07T21:02:00.000-06:00

In a land far away and a time long ago
Dwelt a cavegirl named Oola in the Land of No.
Her days were busy spent gathering seeds, nuts, and grasses
When her mate, Ug, came home from hunting, they were both tired off their asses.

Ug was always so tired that time spent mating was tight.
Leaving no room for Oola's delight
This made her feel lonely and all forlorn
But she was afraid to seek help fearing others scorn.

Yet one day her plight was noticed by Woonda, the medicine woman and High Priestess of the Great Cave Bear.
She spoke to Oola in a voice cracked with age, wisdom, and care.
Oola explained that her sex life was an out and out bore.
And could Woonda help her with her knowledge and lore.

With a gleam in her eyes, Woonda said that she had just the trick,
And from her medicine bag she pulled out a bone that had been rubbed slick.
She explained that when Oola had a spare minute or two, she should work the bone good
Just as she wished that her mate Ug would.

The next morning in her cave under the fires glow
Oola decided to give that bone a go.
She squelled and she moaned breaking out in a sweat
And knew that her bone she would never regret.

Every morning Oola made the time for a little bone play
And had a song in her heart and a smile on her face for the rest of the day.
But after a while the bone seemed quite tame
And the happiness it gave just wasn't the same.

One day while Oola was giving in to the bones temptation
She experienced a most delightful vibration.
A bee had flown into a hole in the bones marrow and was buzzing and shaking
Oola threw her legs in the air as her whole body was quaking.

So ladies remember Oola and give praise to her name
For a slicked up bone was never the same.
The very first vibe was Oola's greatest creation
Giving womankind the chance for good vibrations.

Gore And Whores Unite Against Global Warming

2007-03-06T16:31:00.000-06:00

It seems that it is not just Al Gore that is protesting global warming. Bordello owners in Bulgaria are blaming global warming for a lack of staff with the stuff to stiff a staff. They claim that due to a lack of snow at resorts all the best prostitutes have fled to give tourists something else to do on those snowless nights.

I really don't have a damn thing to add to the story but the title came to my head when reading the news story and I would hate to waste a good title.

Click here for the scoop.

Googlin' Around

2007-02-28T21:48:00.000-06:00

I generally use Yahoo to search for bits of odd news but nothing holds a candle to Google when it comes to finding pics. Just turn off the filth filter and any innocuous phrase is apt to show pics that would make a twenty dollar streetwalker blanch.

For a few examples, I typed in nuns and the first pic was titled five nuns in a bar and shows five nuns standing at a bar in short skirts with stockings, garters, and hooker heels. I typed in foot and on the front page was a pic of a naked woman licking another woman's foot. It was from a foot fetish blog and the post at the top of the page was entitled, 'Paint My Toenails And Cum On My Feet.' ( Quite the romantic, huh? ) And for the Creme-DE-La-Creme of pic searches was my find of the day. The search term underarm hair brought me to this choice site. Scroll down on the link and click on VT-10320 and prepare to be shocked and awed.

Now excuse me for a little bit. I am off googlin' around.

Out Of Tune Or Out Of Focus

2007-02-26T00:01:00.000-06:00

I recently read a news story where the financial guru, Suze Orman, claims to be a virgin as she has never been with a man. Suze is a confirmed lesbian and evidently believes that lesbian sexual practices do not constitute a loss of virginity.

I really don't want this construed as anti-lesbian but I am reminded of the line quoted by Jack Nicholson in the movie, 'Goin' South'. " You can always tell a virgin by the whites of her eyes. It's because she is out of tune with nature. I don't mean to put callouses on my hand pattin' myself on the back but I have put a few women in tune with nature. "

Although she might have a point, I disagree with Suze Orman on the fact that she is a virgin. The old definition of penis in vagina sex as the only loss of virginity is just a little trite in today's world. Just because a gal has only licked, sucked, fingered, or fisted doesn't make her a virgin, it just proves the old maxim, different strokes for different strokes.

The Flower Power Of Madison Avenue

2007-02-20T12:18:00.000-06:00

While watching Heroes last night, I saw a commercial for mutual funds that was filled with flower power images and using the tune In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly. I have always had not so fond memories of this tune. Every weekend morning my father would crank up this tune at level 11 on his state of the art 8 track stereo in order to wake me up to start the day of pipe moving, fence building, manure shoveling, or whatever passed for work on the farm and ranch. The commercial really got me to thinking of why a song that is basically a musical homage to dropping acid would make a good mutual fund seller. Maybe some other old tunes from the days of flower power could sell a wide array of products.

1. Jefferson Airplane's, White Rabbit would work great selling arthritis relief medication.
2. Donavon's, Mellow Yellow for Prozac.
3. War's, Spill The Wine for Shout Stain Remover.
4. The Dave Clark Five's, Everybody Get Together for Cialis.
5. Scott Mackenzies, If You're Going To San Francisco for Teleflora.
6. The Cowsill's, Hair for shampoo and conditioner.
7. Norman Greenbaum's, Spirit in the Sky for a mortuary service.
8. Bob Dylan's, Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 for Home Depot's line of paving materials.
9. Oliver's, Good Morning Starshine for Lunesta.
10. Mungo Jerry's, In The Summertime for Coppertone.

But I guess the reason for the commercial was simple, the other day I was reading a story on astronomy that stated we are now entering another age of Aquarius. Maybe that's the reason for all the hip hugger jeans and muffin tops that I have been seeing lately.

What's In The Name

2007-02-17T21:31:00.000-06:00

I have always been amazed by the way that certain people's names just roll off the tongue. Names like Antonio Bandaras, Gerard Depardieu, and Hakeem 'The Dream' Olajuwan flow like the Missississippi River. These people had it easy by being born with them. Others weren't so lucky and had to make a new name for themselves like Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, and Linda Lovelace.

Stan 'The Man' Lee was a master at creating comic book hero names that flowed and could be easily remembered. Names such as Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, and Matt Murdoch with their twist of using repeating letters made them flow and etched them in the memory.

I wonder how many people think of this when creating a user name for their blogs. My user name is a twisted little bit of a joke. Most people when responding to me use the shortened version of Fuzz. No one really calls me by my first name. And I always liked :P.

BTW, the pin-up model from the '50's in the pic name is Betty Brossmer. Now that's a name that should be remembered.

Valentine's Day Do's and Don'ts

2007-02-13T17:29:00.000-06:00

Just thought that I would try to give a little Valentines Day gift giving guideline for those guys that may be a little perplexed by the whole gift giving dilemma.

While giving your significant other a pearl necklace is a great all season gift, on Valentine's Day opt for a diamond.
While giving a cute little puppy or a fuzzy little kitty is a good pet to give for the occasion, crabs are not.
Unless your significant other is a diabetic, do not give her sugar-free candy. Even if she normally eats only sugar-free candy, she will think you are calling her fat.
Flowers are always a good bet but if you steal some from a cemetery remember to discard any R.I.P. cards.
Remember re-gifting is bad and sex toys are not recyclable.

If guys would remember these few short simple rules, then we all could have a better Valentine's Day. Remember you get more nookie with a cookie but it's hard to lose with the right amount of booze.

Farewell Anna

2007-02-08T18:57:00.000-06:00

In many ways her life was a punchline for so many jokes. But say what you will, in a world where skinny waifs ruled the media, she brought back curves to the world of glamour. For that I am grateful. Farewell Anna.

Big Top Triangle

2007-02-07T21:04:00.000-06:00

Lilly was the blonde beauty on the flying trapeze.

With the face of an angel and a body built to please.

She shared her nights in a trailer with Iron Man Fred,

The Strong Man with rippling biceps and a bright shining bald head.

This couple was magic and a wondrous sight

With her high flying antics and all of his might.

But one day the trouble came down.

When Lilly fell for Baby Faced Bill the Midget Clown.

Iron Man Fred was brought weak to his knees,

Wailing and crying he asked her, 'Oh Why, Tell me please!'

She hemmed and she hawed and her hands she wrung,

And she told him that, 'He's only four foot two but has a sixteen inch tongue.'

So now Lilly and Bill have a nice little nest,

Eventhough he has to stand on a milk crate to get to her chest.

What a position she thinks as they stand flat footed in their room

And still Bill stands tall licking her womb.

Just Say No To What?

2007-01-31T21:24:00.000-06:00

I was watching a little American Idol and caught an anti-drug commercial. The commercial was a silent animated thing. Some yo-yo was sitting with his gal on a park bench toking on a joint when an alien landed his ufo in the park. The pothead offered the alien a toke off his doob. When the alien refused the offer, the girl ran off with the alien and they flew off into the sunset.

I suppose the message was that if you smoke some ganja then your old lady may run off with an alien but I have to wonder. I figure she ran off because she was some sort of freak and wanted to see just what a good alien anal probe felt like.

A Fart In Time Saves Nine

2007-01-30T11:38:00.000-06:00

I have a cold. The miserable cold that I had thought that I had killed with the usual tequila and Ny-Quil remedy has returned with a vengeance. I don't really feel that bad but I have a terrible cough. This morning I had one of those coughs that are the worst. Have you ever coughed so hard that a fart that wasn't ready to be farted was ripped from your ass and it felt that your asshole was torn apart? Yeah, it was one of those. But every cloud has a silver lining, at least I didn't shit myself. Ahh, happy day.

A Night With A Classic

2007-01-29T08:40:00.000-06:00

Last night, I watched a movie on the American Movie Classic channel. When one thinks of American Classics, one might picture Casablanca, The Grapes of Wrath, or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I did not watch any of these flicks. I watched Happy Gilmore.

I really had to think of this one. Does Happy Gilmore deserve the moniker of Classic? So I went through my mind and thought of what makes a classic and tried to see if Happy Gilmore stacks up.

1. A classic has strong identifiable characters. Casablanca had Rick; a strong male figure if ever there was one. Happy tried to stab a guy with his skate now that is manly as it comes.

2. A classic has a provoking central theme. The Grapes of Wrath showed the struggle of the common man against a hostile and sometimes cruel world and taught that no matter what nothing can destoy the dreams of the common man. Happy taught us that if we just find our happy place then we can do anything.

3. For a comedy to be a classic it has to hold it's humor over a test of time. The non-stop zaniness of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is still as funny to me as the first time that I saw it. Will Happy whacking a housewife off the balcony of her home from 400 yards away ever lose it's power to make a person laugh? I really don't think so.

So I suppose that Happy Gilmore does deserve to be a classic. Now Waterboy, the jury is still out on that one. After all Foosball is the debil.

Like A Virgin

2007-01-24T22:50:00.000-06:00

In a strange twist, a Komodo dragon has spawned five little dragons without the aid of any contact with a male Komodo. Seems the zoo folks are baffled as they didn't know that Komodo's could reproduce asexually.

Now I am no scientist but I sincerely hope that I am not on the Heroes list and have some weird power to knock myself up by masturbating. That would really fuck up a good jerk.

Click here to read the scoop on the Virgin Mary of the Komodo Dragon World.

The Great Storm Of '06

2007-01-23T07:29:00.000-06:00

The weathermen all said that this storm would be the worst winter storm since the great blizzard of '83. Well once again it would not have paid to put your money on the prediction. The great storm of '06 was nearly a complete bust. Don't get me wrong, there was some ice and it did get pretty cold but the umpteen days in a row of sub zero weather did not materialize. For that I am thankful. I don't mind a little bit of snow but I have a complete hatred of ice storms.

I have wrecked cars, gotten a concussion from falling on ice, and numerous other mishaps. I just plain hate the shit. So here is my little ode to ice.

Ice Ice Baby

Oh how I love you in a high ball glass
But when you're on the ground you're a pain in the ass.
You make me fall and you make me slip.
So laugh right now in your icy grip.
'Cause soon the day may come to pass
When global warming kicks your ass.

Basket Balls

2007-01-16T05:50:00.000-06:00

freeballin' in sports is a god given right

let them jounce to the left and jangle to the right

let them bobble all around

as you take that shot from way downtown

why have your nuts in a jock squashed down flat

letting them swing about is where it's at

it could be the ultimate colored logo coup

with one of them black and the other one blue

Fulfilling The Tag

2007-01-15T09:54:00.000-06:00

Catch roped me into another tag with an interesting meme. The tag is a list of subjects that have a dollar amount. I don't have to tell which ones that I am fined for but only give my final tally on the end. I guess this tag will help answer if it is a sick world and I'm a happy man or is it a happy world and I'm a sick man. My guess is that it is a little of both.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

My fine was $725.60 but I really should be able to drop 25 bucks off of the fine by pleading guilty to the others. It wasn't actually in church. It was at a church camp. That shouldn't really count.

I'm Back As If From The Dead

2007-01-10T21:48:00.000-06:00

I have been trying to post for a few days but thanks to Blogger, I have not had much success. At times it has just been down, at times pics won't post, and yesterday I had a post disappear into the ether. But you can't keep a bad blogger down, and where there is a will there is a way. So to kill two posts with one stone, here is a little ode to Blogger that should fulfill both my twisted poetry and my weekly rant.

Google A Blog

Though others may heap upon you their scorn
And curse the day that you were born.
I will give you all my praise
Not just now but all my days.

For here is where I got my start
So I will give you a piece of my heart.
You teach me patience a virtue that I do not possess
By going from no trouble push button publishing to a complete fucking mess.

So Google lick my scrotum long and hairy
And clamp down on a dingleberry.
Wordpress is looking better every day
Because God knows that I am too damn cheap to pay.

Sick Toon For A Sick World

2007-01-04T20:47:00.000-06:00

I was going through my saved pics in the hopes that something would magically stir my muse and I stumbled across this sick little toon that I have had saved for quite awhile. It didn't really stir my muse but it does make me wonder why in the hell I saved this particular toon. In looking at the toon again it makes me wonder if the toon is that funny or if the smiley face reminds me of someone?

Steve's New Year

2007-01-02T10:55:00.000-06:00

At the New Year's party, Steve got shitfaced as hell.
And woke up naked tied to a bedrail.
With a poor aching head and a pain on his ass,
Wondering how he had come to this pass

He remembered dirty dancing with two robust gals
And the bruise on his ass from a pop with a towel.
Then he thought a little harder and furrowed his brow.
And wondered how he could get out of this jam and right now.

He heard the door squeek and the girls came in
And fed him some breakfast and gave him a grin.
They said they were sorry as they gave him a coffee cup
For leaving him hung over a tied the fuck up.

They stated that he had fell asleep before he got done
And he would have to finish what he started before he could cut and run.
Steve begged and he pleaded to be let free,
But the gals wouldn't budge or grant his plea.

So he thought happy thoughts and sucked up his pride,
And soon the big cowgirls had finished their ride.
Then they turned him loose and free as a bird
With not a single discouraging word.

The moral of the story is perfectly clear
And remember that you heard it right here
Before you get drunk and do something not smart
Pop a little blue pill so you can finish what you start.

The Roast

2006-12-30T00:01:00.000-06:00

A while back my friend EZ thought that it would be a good idea to have a roast in order to celebrate the fact that Blugstuff crossed the 50,000 hit mark. I agreed that it sounded like a great idea. I have never been one to take myself to seriously. Just look at the crap that I post. How could I take that seriously at all. Thanks to all that have submitted something for the Roast and go ahead and raise a little hell in the comment section. I can take it. I hope.

*****

Catch: Fuzz was in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Hey" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

You guys all remember when Fuzz went on the school trip with the kids....I bet he dont go next year!!!

I have to raise my glass in a personal toast to my friend Fuzz. Your a good guy Fuzz...Im glad to have you for a friend. I love your sense of humor!!!
Now lets drink up so I can get to bed!!! Huggs to you Fuzz!..Your friend ~ Catch

*****
Michael: I wondered what I could possibly say about the man, myth and legend. Not knowing what the twisted bastard does for a living gave me a different idea.
This might not even be what he's looking for but fuck him, he asked for it.

Maybe Fuzz was a 911 operator?
Fuzz: 911. What's your emergency?
Woman: Please dear God, help me! My husband is choking on a chicken bone and I don't know what to do!
Fuzz: (provocatively) hmm, what are you wearing?
Nope. Definitely not a 911 operator.

Maybe he's a grade school teacher?
Prof. Fuzz: Alright class, settle down, settle down, sett - Shut up! You little fuckbubbles! (pause) That's better.
Now, I don't feel much like reading or writing or any of that algebra shit because I'm a bit pissed off. Some grey-haired shitball cut me off as I was pulling into the school parking lot. I don't know about you kids but boy, oh boy, it really frosted my ass.
I want to find out what frosts your stones so from now on Thursdays will be FOAD days, ok?
Susie Bumcakes: What does FOAD mean, Mr. Fuzz?
Prof. Fuzz: Oh, come on, Susie, you little 15 year old, MySpace.com tramp, it means Fuck Off And Die! Everyone knows that!
A school teacher? Ahhh, I don't think so.

How about a sculptor?
Fuzzangelo is working feverishly in his studio on the latest of his great works of art, works highly coveted by people all over the world. His beautiful and curvaceous wife walks in and takes in his latest creation.
"What do you think, my dear?" He asks.
"It looks like everything else you sculpt, Fuzzy," she answers.
"And what does that look like, my dear?"
"It's my ass, Fuzzy. And a very nice facsimile thereof. Looks like you're up to your eyeballs in ass and loving every minute of it."
Sculpting? Maybe not.

I decided to just accept the fact that a world without Fuzz just wouldn't be any damn fun at all. Actually, it would be quite boring. He is an original cowboy that marches to the beat of a very different drummer (though sometimes the drummer likes to drop multiple tabs of acid).
Whenever I visit Blugstuff I keep in mind that old boy scout motto: Be Prepared.
You never know what Fuzz has up his sleeve.
He's also one of my favorite bloggers and though we've never met, I almost consider him a brother.
Keep on rockin' in the free world, Fuzz.
The blogosphere would be lost without you.

*****

EZ

Fuzz is a wiz
He is a wiz because
Because because
Of all the blunderful things he does.

The young vixens flock
The old ladies stalk
For the stimulating talk
And occasional gawk

The guys come for the hunt of the turd
The pictures, the music, the word
The purvs show up to read the dirty bird

Guess what I just heard
Fuzz is the word
and he is my favorite turd

*****
Pure Evyl: Here is a little top five list.

The Top Five Reasons that Fuzz is a +50,000 hit blogger.

5. Search Terms: Does anyone think that you are going to get a lot of hits from subjects like babbling babies, cute puppies, or world fucking peace. If you do then you are sadly mistaken. No search terms that get the hits are on subjects of sickness and perversion. And with subjects ranging from transvestite strippers, geriatric sexplay, and on any other sick twisted deviant crap that one can dig from a polluted mind, Fuzz is a sick search term destination deluxe.

4. Diversity: Have you looked at the Blogroll. There are doctors, lawyers, sex therapists in training, business people, strippers, ex-strip club deejays, stay at home moms, and just about every profession around. The blogroll is comprised of just about every religion, ethnicity, geographical area, and even many people from around the world.

3. He's full of shit: If you comment on a post then it is a virtual guarentee that he will say something back. He might be nice but chances are he will have something smartass to say. And who doesn't like to hear a smartass when he is on top of his game.

2. The Ultimate Blogwhore: There is not an ass that he won't kiss for a hit.

1. One Word. Chupacabra!!!!

Breakfast At The Pole

2006-12-26T00:01:00.000-06:00

Trudging home Christmas morning worn out and weary.
Santa was expecting a home warm and cheery.
But he got more than expected for there in his bed
Were three little elves cavorting with Mrs. Santa butt naked.

He shouted and fumed as he he broke out his gun.
You should have seen how those three shorties run.
Then he turned to Mrs. Clause and started to curse
Calling her names quite perverse.

Then he sank to the floor with his head on his chin
And calmly asked her how with elves, she could commit such a sin.
She slipped on her robe and sat down beside him
And explained how she came to be with them.

'So many nights I have sat bored and lonely as cold as a bone
As you delivered toys to the good boys and girls all alone.
So I invited some elves to play some Twister and I just couldn't stop.
It might have been the snap, or the crackle, but most likely it was the pop.'

Merry Whatever

2006-12-24T07:33:00.000-06:00

Here at Blugstuff, there is absolutely no discrimination towards any race, creed, color, cult, national origin, religion, gender, sexual orientation, shoe size, eye color, or geograghical region. So here is a pic that I lifted off a fellow blogger, that just about covers it all.So from me to you whether you be Wiccan or Wiseass, whether you be Saint or Sinner, and no matter where you are from or whatever you call youself, I wish you a happy Christmas, Kwanzai, Hanakkuh, Bodha Day, Ramadan, Winter Solstice, and Festivus.

Checking The E-Mail

2006-12-22T06:47:00.000-06:00

It has been awhile since I have done a Friday post but I have received an e-mail from a reader and I am sure that many readers might have had a similar problem.

Dear Fuzz,

I am writing to you in order to ask for your advice. Laying in bed spooning with my wife on a cold winters morning, she rattled a fart off of my leg. I called her a nasty bitch but now I am wondering if that was the proper response or if I should do something else.

Still Sickened

Dear Sickened,

A simple calling of a name and such an unoriginal curse is bound to leave you wanting a little payback. So give her the dutch oven treatment, elephant stamp her, and then sleep secure in the knowledge that you have responded correctly to such a crass affront to your dignity. But you might want to check all foodstuffs for poisons. Might I suggest a small dog and feed him from your plate before every meal to check for ill effects for a week or so.

Shitty TV

2006-12-21T00:01:00.000-06:00

The other night I was having a hard time going to sleep and so I trudged into the living room at three in the morning and flipped on the tube. Since Angry Joyce was the last one watching the tube it was on a channel that invariably turns into paid programming in the wee hours of the morn.

I haven't seen any new infomercials in a while so I sat there and preceeded to learn about some fascinating new product. A good infomercial can make a person really desire to buy the most crappy product imaginable. The last one I watched that actually made me want to buy it was for a barbeque grill that ran off used newspaper. I didn't want to buy the product that I saw on this weeks insomniafest but it was a fucking trainwreck and I could not quit watching it.

The infomercial was for a product called Double Cleanse and it told the sorted story about how toxins, herbicides, pesticides, and hormones in today's food supply has clogged our innards and the path to better health, stamina, and vitality runs straight through the shitter. The infomercial went on to state that the average person walks around with 22 pounds of shit stacked in their intestines. Damn, that's like walking around with a small child in your guts packed up to your ass.

One of the inventors signature methods for describing how we can tell if we need cleansed was to ask if your bowel movements were the same in relation in size as an infants or small child. Now I am a father and changed a few diapers in my day and if I shit like my son in relation to my size, I would have a pile of dung that no industrial size toilet could ever flush in three tries. I am sorry but if that is what's needed, then no thanks. I will keep walking around full of shit. First of all it suits me and no one would ever recognize me otherwise and secondly if I had such an elephantine shit my bunghole would be sore for weeks.

So no Double Cleanse for me. I am keeping my shit to myself.

Santa's Favorite Elf

2006-12-19T00:01:00.000-06:00

In a corner office in Santa's workshop
Works Santa's favorite elf non-stop.
From dawn to dusk making the toys
For the naughty girls and the happy boys.

She doesn't make cars, boats, or kites.
She doesn't make Barbies, Slinkies, or Lite-Brites.
She makes the toys that make the winter nights warm
With a sly little grin and a world of charm.

So if Santa brings something that makes your cheeks turn red
With a warm glow and a blush from your toes to your head.
It might not have came from an Adult Stores shelf,
You might want to thank Santa's Sex Toy Elf.

Ohh Shit Am I Supposed To Be Jolly

2006-12-14T00:01:00.000-06:00

For the past 11 years I have realized just why the Grinch hated Christmas for the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE. He, like me, was forced to attend the annual School Christmas Concert. This year, the school has a new band director. I hate to be disparaging, but after the concert, I wouldn't mind too terribly seeing this man shot in the face with a fucking bazooka. I can tolerate most Christmas Carols, no matter how badly mangled. But a Christmas rap tune and a Negro Spiritual song sang by a bunch of junior crackers that have not an ounce of damned rhythm and lasts longer than a damned Led Zep tune? Give me a fucking break!!! And of course I had to sit through the whole freakin' thing since my boy is in the 5th grade beginning band. They have only been practicing since mid-September. Yeh, it was music to my ears just like the sounds of a couple of cats getting busy. The kicker to it all. The douchebag director decided to split the concert in two by doing the elementary kids one night and the Jr. High and High School bands later this week. Gee Thanks asshole, I hope no one goes postal and starts another school shooting and blasts that goofy Christmas tie off your fucking neck.

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Does every commercial have to have a Christmas theme? Any day now, I expect to see a commercial for Yuletide Fresh Feminine Hygiene Spray with the tagline, ' Get your jollies with a coochie snorcher that smells like holly.'

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Just a little note: I am now taking e-mails for a roast of your's truly. Send all disparaging remarks, parodies, poems, and trash talk of all kinds to fuzzbox_rox2000@yahoo.com.